Opening, Roughish, Draft for WIELDER

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Theo Hart

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The Cake is a lie.
Open to any constructive criticism you can throw at me.
WIELDER

Opening to Chapter One, Possibly

You know how most people can’t remember anything before they were able to speak, or around that time? That isn’t the case for me. Not at all. Of course, not withstanding that I couldn’t really speak coherently until I was five.

In any case, I can remember the vast majority of my childhood, save for my earliest years. Somewhat. I can remember a few things, but it’s like looking at a blurry photograph. You can tell the time of day, or, possibly, where you took it, but, other than that, barely anything shows up.

The only thing I can retrieve from my infancy that doesn’t have this problem is my emotions. And I can tell ya, they weren’t the most healthy things for a newborn to mature into childhood under. Loneliness is the most prominent, by far. There’s confusion and fear in there too, but loneliness had its fingerprints all over my mind. An intense, all consuming, loneliness. I suppose, in hindsight, that’s perfectly understandable, considering that I was just a know-nothing, helpless, infant. Without his mother. Or father. Or anything.


To be absolutely honest, I have no clue how I survived. None whatsoever. I mean, as I say, I was a newborn living in the ghettos of Balik.


Then, at this point, I start remembering things. I was three.
 

Naryaló S dú

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I just think all these thoughts should be spaced out a little, no offense but the narrator sounds like a chatty school girl =p
 

Theo Hart

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I just think all these thoughts should be spaced out a little, no offense but the narrator sounds like a chatty school girl =p
I'm not entirely sure where your critique applies. I went back to the draft and took out a few of the purposeful fragments to tighten it up a bit, but, specifically, what portions give you this impression?

Also, is this the only issue you had?
 

chrispenycate

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It's a touch contradictory.
You know how most people can’t remember anything before they were able to speak, or around that time?
fights with
In any case, I can remember the vast majority of my childhood, save for my earliest years.
which is, of course the case with most people. Are you trying to say that conceptualising, largely dependent on the symbol manipulation enabled by language, is a prerequisite for memory? (It might well be a prerequisite for analytic thought, but one can remember pictures, smells, sensations without requiring analysis, and most people do.
Since this excerpt is entirely about the difference between his mnemonic processes and those of others (something about which it is very difficult to have any solid knowledge, in a first person point of view) it seems strange that they would be so similar.
 

ctg

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Well I am going to agree for chance with the two other critics. Your opening chapter is somewhat confusing with the contradictions. Even though it opens a possibility to hook some of the people interest, it's not working on me, as I felt annoyed and not really sure should I want to read more.

If you're going to use memories, then please show us those memories rather then telling that you had them. Give us something to chew, please. Give us an image or two so that we don't have to go in our own head and pull them out and be annoyed because you later on tell us something else.
 
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