Lead Character Could Use Some More Meat

Theo Hart

Fragment Sentences=Style
Joined
Jul 5, 2008
Messages
22
Location
The Cake is a lie.
#1
Alright, here's the character proflie for my Lead in the story I'm cooking up. This is all I have so far, so, what are the important, or not so important, details I should add?

This is a very rough draft, I know, but I'd like a few more set of eyes.

Also, as this is set in my created world, there are a few terms that would need to be explained if you want, well... explenations. (Vagonu, Wielder, Moairs, The details within, and the leadup to, the story goal, etc...)

Name: Donik Carak

Character Type: Lead

Story Goal: To lead what’s left of his surrogate family and other families to safety.

Gender: Male

Age: 19

Distinctive Visual Traits: Big nose, olive skin, long hair tied in the back with a string of leather or blue ribbon, depending on the social context.

Height: 6 feet 9 inches
Body type: Long and lanky
Hair color: Golden Brown
Eye color: Dark Green

Mannerisms: Gesticulates when trying to make a point, smirks a lot, moves fairly gracefully, uses his eyebrows to convey displeasure or surprise, slides into a glance when doubtful or sneaky

Distinctive Speech Pattern: Casual with an intellectual twist and, occasionally, a strong spike of cynicism. In terms of tone, it’s high and nasal, like it’s coming out of his forehead.

Personality: Courageous, virtuous, has a self depreciating sense of humor, intelligent, a budding sense of calculation, aggressive

Background: Donik was born in the ghetto of a fishing and trade town within the City State of Vagonu and was abandoned by his parents for reasons unknown. He lived his early childhood as an orphan on the streets, but was taken in and “raised” by an older boy named Erkek, who protected Donik and taught him the basics of street fighting. A few years later, after Erkek had been killed in a fight and Donik was on his own, he was about to be killed himself when Marcus Carak intervened and saved him. Afterwards, Marcus and his wife Angela adopted Donik. He was then raised and educated along with the rest of the Carak children. After observing that Donik had natural talent in fighting, in addition to a long reach, Marcus personally tutored him in the use of staffs. Through this, he became both a budding scholar and a skilled, classically trained, fighter. Throughout his late prepubescense and teens, he traveled with Marcus and the rest of the family on diplomatic trips as his apprentice and page.

Personal life: When in Moairs, he lives with the rest of the Carak family in a large, well furnished, townhouse within Downtown Moairs. When on the road, they live in a lavish black stagecoach. His best friend is Harold Churchill (21), the son of a Wielder Delegate and his love interest is Harold’s younger sister, Anna Churchill (18). In terms of recreation, he talks with Harold and Anna and other sons and daughters of Delegates, or plays Go.

Private Life: When he’s alone, Donik reads or trains excessively, often into the wee-hours.

Work life: He is Marcus Carak’s apprentice and page. Duties include escort to all political events Marcus attends, transcription, retrieval of manuscripts and Motions, etc…

Strength: Mental resolve

Weakness: Over confident, prone to fits of anger
 

Naryaló S dú

Lord of Science
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
85
#2
I naturally liked this character from the start, but I have a couple comments.

"To lead what’s left of his surrogate family and other families to safety." Fromt he rest of your description it seems that Donik's life is at a peaceful and orderly stage. If your to write a story around him, I'm guessing there will gbe conflict and this stage will come to an end. Does this statement have to do with the story itself? I just think it "should be explained more. He wants to lead his adopted judicially and politically important family and other families to safety. He has more then one family? What's the danger that he tries to lead them from? This may be a description that would be read along with the story, but I find it confusing.

"Big nose, olive skin, long hair tied in the back with a string of leather or blue ribbon, depending on the social context.

Height: 6 feet 9 inches
Body type: Long and lanky
Hair color: Golden Brown
Eye color: Dark Green"

Ha! Its rare to find such a physical description of a lead character these days..can you say "Ganandorf"? ( http://www.gamercenteronline.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/ganondorf_2.jpg )

"Mannerisms: Gesticulates when trying to make a point, smirks a lot, moves fairly gracefully, uses his eyebrows to convey displeasure or surprise, slides into a glance when doubtful or sneaky"

Good mannerism description, though this isn't a "must change" comment but the description that he's "long and lanky" conflicts in my head with the "moves fairly gracefully", though that may be how you want to portray him as a comment on how hes very graceful compared to his stature, the definition of lanky is "ungracefully thin and rawboned". Other words that could be used are gaunt, meager, rangy, or slender.


"Distinctive Speech Pattern: Casual with an intellectual twist and, occasionally, a strong spike of cynicism. In terms of tone, it’s high and nasal, like it’s coming out of his forehead."

Just my opinion that a man of that stature would have a regular to booming or deep voice.

I like his background and everything else. Well done for a rough rough draft! Oh, and I also think that you should desribe a sensitive side more in relation to his attraction to Anna, and when describing his past, describe the general setting a bit twisted with the events.
 

Theo Hart

Fragment Sentences=Style
Joined
Jul 5, 2008
Messages
22
Location
The Cake is a lie.
#4
"To lead what’s left of his surrogate family and other families to safety."
From the rest of your description it seems that Donik's life is at a peaceful and orderly stage. If your to write a story around him, I'm guessing there will be conflict and this stage will come to an end.
Yes, that is correct.
Does this statement have to do with the story itself?
Yup.
I just think it should be explained more. He wants to lead his adopted judicially and politically important family and other families to safety. He has more then one family? What's the danger that he tries to lead them from? This may be a description that would be read along with the story, but I find it confusing.
I can see why that would be confusing. It's sort of hard to write the plot into the character outline, as I feel it may become a bit of an info dump, but I'll do my best.

I should clarify this, as it'll help me sort out my ideas too: I threw the word, "Wielder," in there, along with "Wielder Delegate."

Let's see here, how to explain Wielders... They are a sub group of humanity that have superhuman-like abilities. Essentially, imagine a few thousand watered-down Captain America types. In the recent history of my world, Dono (tentatively named), there has been a movement to isolate and contain the Wielders in order to make sure they don't commit crimes, form vigilante or militia groups, overthrow governments, etc... due to their physical advantages.

"Wielder Delegates," like Marcus Carak, are like a fusion between lobbyists and lawyers, traveling the world to represent other Wielders and protect them from persecution, using their political power to influence local leaders.

Moairs is, essentially, something close to the capital of the world. There, within a bulding called "The Dome," issues that force descisions on a global scale are made, which is why Marcus and other Wielder Delegates make their pernament homes there.

The opposition to Wielders at The Dome is fairly strong, and occasionally violent, particularly amongst the Delegates from Hulenfjell, who are, by the way, Bears. (Now we're getting into the fantasy part of this.)

You can probably tell where this is going. Something happens. Wielders become hunted. Characters die. Etc...

He will be leading however many Wielder families he can hide, including what's left of his.
Ha! Its rare to find such a physical description of a lead character these days..can you say "Ganandorf"?
Nah, Gannie-po would kick Donik's butt, probably. :p

Yeah, you don't. Everyone's Anglo-Saxon. Actually, I was trying to make Donik Turkish.
...the description that he's "long and lanky" conflicts in my head with the "moves fairly gracefully", though that may be how you want to portray him as a comment on how hes very graceful compared to his stature, the definition of lanky is "ungracefully thin and rawboned."
I'll take it out; I was going for something other than the typical look of, "graceful," anyway, so it might be misleading.
Just my opinion that a man of that stature would have a regular to booming or deep voice.
That's logical. I'll make that change. (Still gonna' come outta' his forehead, though. :p)
I also think that you should describe a sensitive side more in relation to his attraction to Anna, and when describing his past, describe the general setting a bit twisted with the events.
Will do. The character of Anna is a recent creation; I still have lots of work with her to do.

Oh, yeah. I used to play Go a lot, then I sort of drifted away--still wanted to include it though. Throw in some Asian flare.
 
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