Working hard at description and dialogue

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Ranwulf

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I've been a writing fool lately *sigh* I'm taking a different direction in my learning, consciously trying to get better at description and character development. This isn't quite finished, please excuse the missing indentation for now, hope it isn't too bothersome:

There aren’t many things more beautiful than a heavy snowfall, huge crisp flakes of the white stuff falling steadily from the sky, so thickly that you can barely see twenty feet in front of you. There’d been so much recently that the lumineers weren’t even bothering to scoop the snow out of the street lamps and relight the candles anymore.
And so it was in a dark winter world that the lone figure trudged down the street, holding the front of his leather wintercloak closed against the cold. The journey to his destination would be, on a good day, no more than twenty minutes long, a tranquil walk amidst the gothic architecture of Intel City, but in the gathering snow it would likely take more than an hour.
Eventually he arrived at Ned’s Butchery, the town’s unofficial meeting and gossip center, and the start of his shortcut. Satisfied with a glance that no was around, he slipped into the alley and followed it’s rough brick walls to a rusty old ladder. Glancing over his shoulder once more, he began the hard climb, about thirty rungs to the top. By now the cold was getting through his boots and gloves, but the going would probably be faster on the roofs, though still excruciatingly long.

“Leah?” He asked through clenched teeth as he approached the sillhoute.
The figure sitting on the rim of the skylight leaped up, turned gracefully in the air, and landed, breathing like she’d just run a marathon. She too wore the standard leather wintercloak, a hooded longrobe built for warmth. Underneath the hood, white hair covered one eye and the left portion of a beautiful face. She tilted her head up at a considerable angle to see his face before yelling angrily, “Rulf! Way to be a creeper! For all I know you could’ve been some rapist or something!”
“Maybe you should be inside then.” He grinned
She laughed lightheartedly, “says you, look at yourself, a mile from home in the worst storm of the winter! Do your parents know you’re here?”
He shrugged nonchalantly, “I left them a note.”
She let out an exasperated sigh, “Oh, then everything’s fine, because nothing could happen to you out in the freezing cold in the middle of the night.”
“Eh, I can take care of myself.”
She shook here head, “still playing the soldier, huh? I see you are still wearing that ridiculous wintercloak.”
He looked down at himself. It was ridiculous, he couldn’t deny it. He took the cloak his parents gave him for Alms Day, dyed it the darkest black he could find, sewed a dozen pockets into it, and attached a strip of cloth to the hood to go across his mouth.
“Why did you come anyways? You couldn’t have wanted to see me *that* badly.” She said, hands on hips.
Rulf placed a hand on his heart and with a voice dripping with mock sadness said, “I’m hurt, you doubt my love for you?”
At that instant she flew forward, catching him completely off guard, bearing him to the ground, and pinching his ears…hard, “I definitely doubt your sanity, and will continue to unless you give me a good answer!”
“Uncle, uncle!” Rulf moaned, laughing.
Leah released his ears but refused to let him up. “Answer, now.”
“You’re so mean to me.”
She giggled and rolled off into the snow next to him.
“Alright, you’ve persuaded me, I’ll tell you why I’m here. Coincidentally, it happens to concern my uncle!” He exclaimed, emphasizing the last word with an outrageous sweep of the arm.
Leah’s eyes immediately went wide, “Larren the Lightwielder?” she asked with childish wonder.
“Of course, you know I only have one Uncle.”
“What about him?” She asked, eyes still full of bewilderment. She, like just about every other girl in town, had a fantasy crush on the Lightwielder, the town’s hero who became High Commander of the Republic’s forces.
“I don’t know if I can part with that information so lightly….” He told her with mock indecisiveness.
Leah leaned over and planted her lips heavily on his.
“A cold kiss if there ever was one, but I suppose it will do. Uncle Larren is coming here, to this very town, in three days.”
She squeeled with delight, and, with a faraway look in her eyes gushed “He’s so dashing.”
“Hmmpf, I came here to let you be the first to know, not to suffer such blows to my self-esteem.”
“You’re cute too” She said quickly, kissing him again, more lightly than before.
“Anyways, that’s why I came. What are you doing sitting up here?” He asked with interest.
“You dummy, you know I come up here on gorgeous nights like this all the time.”
“Oh yeah… But that’s usually when there are lots of stars out, not snow.”
“How would you know? This is the first time you were dumb enough to come visit during a blizzard.” She sighed
There was a pause as they looked up into the night, feeling the snow upon their faces.
“It is beautiful, it’s like I’m looking at time, little pieces coming from the sky straight towards me, making my future.”
There was another pause, lasting a few seconds.
“Wow, that was really…profound…not.” She said in a girlish voice. “You’re so absent minded sometimes…”
“Speaking of absent stuff, I can’t feel my fingers or toes, how about we go in now?”
Leah rose and brushed herself off, “Yeah it’s pretty cold, some hot chocolate would really hit the spot right now.”
Rulf stood up and followed suit, shaking all the snow off his back, “After you, milady.”
With her head lowering under the roofline she said “Why, so you can catch my leg and pull both of us off if you fall?”
Rulf just followed wordlessly, not wanting to escalate her friendly bickering.
As soon as she opened the door, Rulf automatically felt a bit warmer as the fire-heated air rushed past him. Despite the peculiar placement of a statue of some unknown man by the hearth, the inside of the home looked almost exactly like that of his. The whole first floor was one large and cozy room about as long as the distance one can sprint in two seconds, and only slightly wider. It functioned as the kitchen, living room, and dining room, and it smelled just like a home should, of fresh baking and burning wood. As if the fire those logs fed wasn't enough to chase the winter chill from one's body, there were blankets and furs everywhere, on the floor and covering every piece of furniture, the comfortable but simple couches and armchairs locally made. In the corner a flight of stairs led up to two bedrooms, a large one and a smaller one. Mrs. Bron looked up from her needlework at the pair. She had been sick for the last couple of weeks with the flu, and was just starting to recover, her warm round face gaining it’s complexion back as her white hair once again started showing the hereditary silvery hue. She smiled and said “Leah….and Rulf, didn’t see you there at first, your parents let you come here in this weather?”
“N..I mean yes, yes they are being more lenient in regards to my comings and goings and such.” Rulf said while hanging up his wintercloak
Mrs. Bron just smiled knowingly, “We’ve always got room for a friend, and fortunately I just brewed up a good sized pot of hot chocolate.” And with that she returned to her needlework.
“Aw, you didn’t have to Mom, I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough to do that though.”
Leah poured out two glasses of steaming warm hot chocolate. “We’ll be up in my room if you need anything.”

“So, tell me more about this ‘news’” Leah asked while sipping her hot chocolate.
The two were sitting on the tigerskin rug in Leah’s room playing a game of checkers and talking away. “Why’s he coming?”
“To visit his beloved fans of course.” Rulf said with a wide grin, making Leah grin wider, “but mostly just to visit his family” he told her, just to see her smile fade.
“But all teasing aside, he’s sure to make some kind of speech or something like that, something you’ll like.” He winked.
“I can’t wait.” She giggled excitedly. “Maybe he’ll talk to me…”
“I’m sure I could arrange that if you want…for a price.” He joked
“Oh you, trying to steal more kisses.”
Rulf moved his last normal checkers piece to the end of the board. “King me!”
With a sigh Leah took one of his dead pieces and placed in on top of the newly appointed king. “How could such a dummy like you be so good at board games?”
 
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Well, you obviously don't need me for grammar and punctuation (which is why I didn't comment on your previous ones, by the way) Oh, there's an it's instead of an "its" and the capital "H" on "he joked" but that's the sort of oversight anyone can make.

She squeeled with delight, and, with a faraway look in her eyes gushed[/ quote] comma after "eyes" and, I think, "squealed" (if the alternative is transatlantically acceptable, please excuse me)

And I'd have used "had become" in
the town’s hero who became High Commander of the Republic’s forces
as it's further into the past.

So, technical. Twentyfeet in the big soft flakes? You'd be happy so see clearly for five. (New Hampshire? You get snow there) And is this region regularly exposed to snow, or is this a rare occurrence? If the former the roofs will have a slope on them, perhaps a shallow one to keep a nice thick layer of insulation, but enough that, when it melts, the water has a perferred direction (rather than straight down through the roof)
Walking along that with a nice coat of fresh is not a fast operation; and your "gothic architecture" sounds even steeper (yes, I have tried. It's easier with skis to keep your weight distributed.)

about as long as the distance one can sprint in two seconds,
doesn't sound like a reasonable form of measurement to me. Paces aremost likely, feet or cubits- but sprinting with a stopwatch? And you can't even use heartbeats instead of seconds, because they're variable while sprinting.
 
Well, you obviously don't need me for grammar and punctuation (which is why I didn't comment on your previous ones, by the way) Oh, there's an it's instead of an "its" and the capital "H" on "he joked" but that's the sort of oversight anyone can make.

So, technical. Twentyfeet in the big soft flakes? You'd be happy so see clearly for five. (New Hampshire? You get snow there) And is this region regularly exposed to snow, or is this a rare occurrence? If the former the roofs will have a slope on them, perhaps a shallow one to keep a nice thick layer of insulation, but enough that, when it melts, the water has a perferred direction (rather than straight down through the roof)
Walking along that with a nice coat of fresh is not a fast operation; and your "gothic architecture" sounds even steeper (yes, I have tried. It's easier with skis to keep your weight distributed.)

doesn't sound like a reasonable form of measurement to me. Paces aremost likely, feet or cubits- but sprinting with a stopwatch? And you can't even use heartbeats instead of seconds, because they're variable while sprinting.
Mm, thanks, those are the kind of oversights I'd never catch myself :p

I'm envisioning a town with mixed architecture, gothic for public buildings (town hall, churches, etc) and those of large corporations and red brick for private. The area is indeed regularly exposed to snow so it appears I'll need to work out either how they get snow off the roofs, or how they build them to be snow-proof, as you don't often see pitched roofs on brick buildings. Then again, I suppose I'd have to keep flat roofs for the "talking on the roof" scene.

Paces! Of course lol. I sat here for about ten minutes wondering how to express the length without using metric units.
 
I'd say that you've definitely achieved the "description and dialogue" part that you were going for here. It's an easy read and an enjoyable one at that.

As for the roof part, as was earlier said by chrispenycate:

And is this region regularly exposed to snow, or is this a rare occurrence? If the former the roofs will have a slope on them, perhaps a shallow one to keep a nice thick layer of insulation, but enough that, when it melts, the water has a perferred direction (rather than straight down through the roof)

If it is a rare occurence to have snow there then you could quite easily use a flat roof if you feel you need to for a later scene. Unless you're exposed to harsh snow a lot or storms etc, a flat roof these days is less likely to leak and more likely to last a lot longer.

Keep up the progress. :)
 
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