Gilaha
Coke-a-Cola Addict XD
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2008
- Messages
- 4
This is the start to, I guess a sort-of fantasy novel I'm writing. Tell Me What ya Think 
It's in the beginning stages, and I know my main plot, but this is just what I have writen wise so far. I'm open to the brutally honest, so tell me EXACTLY you thoughts on how it could be better.
Garimthi was woken from the sound of the window opening. She lay stiff in the bed, afraid to even breath. She listened. No other sounds were coming from the room. 5…10…15 minutes went by without sound. She couldn’t take it. Patience wasn’t her presiding trait. She turned her head, ever so slowly to the right, towards her small, empty room. The window was wide open, and a rather uncomfortable breeze was blowing through. Garimthi was finally calmed enough to shiver. But, something else was odd about the room. She felt too…alone. She stared through the darkness at her brother’s bed. Somewhat Zombie like, Garimthi rose from her bed, and hesitated for a moment. She looked cautiously, again at the open window. It wasn’t left open the night before, was it?
“Rumdrim” She whispered her brother’s name into the shadows. Was he still asleep? How could he be in the winter conditions the room now contained? Now, she listened. For what, though? His breathing? A snore? A response to his name being called in the night? But he remained silent in his bed. Garimthi shivered again, but this wasn’t from the cold.
“Rumdrim?” She tried again, only louder. This time she got a response. Thundering hooves raced toward the open window. Garimthi leapt up in the air and landed back on her bed. She was careful not to scream, as to keep from alarming her aunt. A second later, a unicorn’s nose was sticking into the window, protruding from the foggy outside world. She looked at this curiously, and then tiptoed off the bed, to investigate the strange sight. Upon arriving at the window, she saw the piercing eye of the beast. A wonderful black onyx color.
“Garimthi? You must stop speaking. You’ll be sure to alarm her” A familiar voice spoke to her from atop the beautiful beast that stared into the room.
“Rumdrim” Garimthi was as quiet as could be “What are you doing, out on Lafassar at this hour?”
Rumdrim stopped a moment, trying to figure his answer carefully. “I’m running Garimthi.” Rumdrim certainly wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. “I cant be enslaved here my life. No, I WONT be. You shouldn’t stay here either, you’ll understand when you’re my age Garm, I promise you that.
Garimthi was speechless, taking it all in. Running? To where, and for how long? How could he just leave her? And his age was only 17. She’d be there in merely 4 years. “Where will you go?” She asked, actually quite tranquil for the way she felt.
Rumdrim again, thought. He wished they were talking face to face. “I’m joining ranks in the dragon wars against the southern kingdom. I’m not certain what will happen to Lafassar. I wont need him whilst I’m atop a dragon.”
“What? You don’t have a dragon, and unless you’ve been hording funds, you can’t buy one. Why would you do this? Aunt Evith was planning to send you to Granddad’s to work. You could even keep Lafassar.” Garimthi was angered. She felt he was being so very selfish.
“I know, for life. And then to send my earnings back here to her lazy ass. Listen to me, Garm, I want to make something of myself. I can do that on my own. As for the dragon? I have an egg. It’s so close to hatching, I can almost feel its heart beating. Whether you agree or not, I need to do this. For me.” Then He fell silent, the worst part digging itself up. “I’ll sell Lafassar, once the egg hatches. I can use the money on my journey anyhow.”
Garimthi couldn’t believe that. The beautiful unicorn he rode upon now was given to him as a young lad. The beast was white, with a fiery mane, dark purple and black. He had dark purple markings on his back, and his tail burned the same as his mane. He was magnificent, and his most striking feature…those eyes. Lafassar could catch and hold anyone with his stare. The unicorn understood the human as he spoke. But the beast was obedient, and even knowing his fate, would carry his master as far as they would go together.
“I’m sorry Garm, but this is how it is. You’ll find your own way some day, I promise. I must go soon though, before Aunt Evith awakes.” With that, Rumdrim turned the faithful beast around and strode off into the foggy darkness. Garimthi stood, silent, hardly breathing. She couldn’t believe what has just happened. Her mentor, her best friend, her protector just left her in the dust of the cold night. She looked around the room, which now seemed lonelier than ever.
It's in the beginning stages, and I know my main plot, but this is just what I have writen wise so far. I'm open to the brutally honest, so tell me EXACTLY you thoughts on how it could be better.Garimthi was woken from the sound of the window opening. She lay stiff in the bed, afraid to even breath. She listened. No other sounds were coming from the room. 5…10…15 minutes went by without sound. She couldn’t take it. Patience wasn’t her presiding trait. She turned her head, ever so slowly to the right, towards her small, empty room. The window was wide open, and a rather uncomfortable breeze was blowing through. Garimthi was finally calmed enough to shiver. But, something else was odd about the room. She felt too…alone. She stared through the darkness at her brother’s bed. Somewhat Zombie like, Garimthi rose from her bed, and hesitated for a moment. She looked cautiously, again at the open window. It wasn’t left open the night before, was it?
“Rumdrim” She whispered her brother’s name into the shadows. Was he still asleep? How could he be in the winter conditions the room now contained? Now, she listened. For what, though? His breathing? A snore? A response to his name being called in the night? But he remained silent in his bed. Garimthi shivered again, but this wasn’t from the cold.
“Rumdrim?” She tried again, only louder. This time she got a response. Thundering hooves raced toward the open window. Garimthi leapt up in the air and landed back on her bed. She was careful not to scream, as to keep from alarming her aunt. A second later, a unicorn’s nose was sticking into the window, protruding from the foggy outside world. She looked at this curiously, and then tiptoed off the bed, to investigate the strange sight. Upon arriving at the window, she saw the piercing eye of the beast. A wonderful black onyx color.
“Garimthi? You must stop speaking. You’ll be sure to alarm her” A familiar voice spoke to her from atop the beautiful beast that stared into the room.
“Rumdrim” Garimthi was as quiet as could be “What are you doing, out on Lafassar at this hour?”
Rumdrim stopped a moment, trying to figure his answer carefully. “I’m running Garimthi.” Rumdrim certainly wasn’t the type to beat around the bush. “I cant be enslaved here my life. No, I WONT be. You shouldn’t stay here either, you’ll understand when you’re my age Garm, I promise you that.
Garimthi was speechless, taking it all in. Running? To where, and for how long? How could he just leave her? And his age was only 17. She’d be there in merely 4 years. “Where will you go?” She asked, actually quite tranquil for the way she felt.
Rumdrim again, thought. He wished they were talking face to face. “I’m joining ranks in the dragon wars against the southern kingdom. I’m not certain what will happen to Lafassar. I wont need him whilst I’m atop a dragon.”
“What? You don’t have a dragon, and unless you’ve been hording funds, you can’t buy one. Why would you do this? Aunt Evith was planning to send you to Granddad’s to work. You could even keep Lafassar.” Garimthi was angered. She felt he was being so very selfish.
“I know, for life. And then to send my earnings back here to her lazy ass. Listen to me, Garm, I want to make something of myself. I can do that on my own. As for the dragon? I have an egg. It’s so close to hatching, I can almost feel its heart beating. Whether you agree or not, I need to do this. For me.” Then He fell silent, the worst part digging itself up. “I’ll sell Lafassar, once the egg hatches. I can use the money on my journey anyhow.”
Garimthi couldn’t believe that. The beautiful unicorn he rode upon now was given to him as a young lad. The beast was white, with a fiery mane, dark purple and black. He had dark purple markings on his back, and his tail burned the same as his mane. He was magnificent, and his most striking feature…those eyes. Lafassar could catch and hold anyone with his stare. The unicorn understood the human as he spoke. But the beast was obedient, and even knowing his fate, would carry his master as far as they would go together.
“I’m sorry Garm, but this is how it is. You’ll find your own way some day, I promise. I must go soon though, before Aunt Evith awakes.” With that, Rumdrim turned the faithful beast around and strode off into the foggy darkness. Garimthi stood, silent, hardly breathing. She couldn’t believe what has just happened. Her mentor, her best friend, her protector just left her in the dust of the cold night. She looked around the room, which now seemed lonelier than ever.
