Part of the first episode of The Pete Files, opinions needed.

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Karn Maeshalanadae

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"Aw, Mommy, I don’t want to go to Earth!" Pete cried, getting stuffed into a large, brown sweater. It matched the color of his fur exactly and he sighed as he looked into the mirror.

"Mommy, I look naked in this shirt!" he complained loudly.

"Oh, shush up, Petey-boy," his mother said gently, smoothing the fur over her son’s head. "You’re out as a messenger. After all, we can’t have an intergalactic picnic without inviting the earthlings."

In the corner, Pete’s pet turkey snickered softly. Pete glared at the bird.
"It’s not funny, Tomathy!" Pete shouted. He sighed.
"Mommy, I can dress myself. I’m a nine hundred year old Martian."

"Fine, Petey, go right ahead," his mother said, folding her arms and watching her son struggle into a green pair of trousers.

"Mommy, why do I have to wear this outfit? I look like a tree!" Pete looked into the mirror. "No, wait…I take that back…I don’t look like a tree."

"Well, of course you don’t, Petey," his mother assured him.

"I look like a FROG in a tree."


Sorry, folks, thought I had more than this on my disk....I'll post more when I get my laptop fixed, sorry.
 

Erin99

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"Aw, Mommy, I don’t want to go to Earth!" Pete cried, getting stuffed into a large, brown sweater. It matched the color of his fur exactly and he sighed as he looked into the mirror.

"Mommy, I look naked in this shirt!" he complained loudly. [Show, don’t tell. By his words you’ve shown us that he’s sulky and complaining, then you tell us this too. Try just using "he said."]

"Oh, shush up, Petey-boy," his mother said gently, smoothing the fur over her son’s head. "You’re out as a messenger. After all, we can’t have an intergalactic picnic without inviting the earthlings."

In the corner, Pete’s pet turkey snickered softly. [I don’t know whether in your world turkeys can laugh, but you need to tell us something here. Bring in your narrator. Have him tell the reader that this behaviour is normal, or isn’t, otherwise we are left wondering how a turkey can snigger.] Pete glared at the bird.

"It’s not funny, Tomathy!" Pete shouted. He sighed.

[Can the turkey understand him, then?]

"Mommy, I can dress myself. I’m a nine hundred year old [nine-hundred-year-old Martian] Martian." [This sounds contrived. Would he really say that? You need to think about every line carefully and make the speech realistic. Perhaps you could write, “I’m old enough to dress myself, mother.” Then later you can tell or show us that he’s very old. Otherwise it sounds as if you are just trying to cram details in where they’re inappropriate.]

"Fine, Petey, go right ahead," his mother said, folding her arms and watching her son struggle into a green pair of trousers.

"Mommy, why do I have to wear this outfit? I look like a tree!" Pete looked into the mirror. "No, wait…I take that back…I don’t look like a tree."

"Well, of course you don’t, Petey," his mother assured him. [You don’t really need the speaker attribution here. Since there are only two people speaking, it’s clear who’s saying this.]

"I look like a FROG [Italicise, not capitalise]in a tree."




Well, if you don’t mind my honest opinion, I’m waiting for something to grab me and make me read on. I read that you wrote this in a sort of play-style, but writing in this way doesn’t give the reader much description. I want to know what the characters looks like - yet all I’m told is that one of them is a martian with fur. While reading this I’m picturing a bearlike creature, and the youngest resembles a cub, since he sounds - and acts - as a youth does. This is most likely wrong, but I have no specifics to go on. So, more details please!

Of course, these are just my opinions. Others may disagree. :)
 

Karn Maeshalanadae

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This was a very early excerpt and not nearly as far along as I thought. My edited version on my laptop explained Tomathy better, and it has a bit more description and such. I just posted this to give a very early idea in the hopes in how to improve what I haven't already. But thanks for the heads up, I'll go through it whenever my laptop gets repaired. :D And your bear assumption isn't that far off the mark, you kind of have to think of Chewbacca when you think of Pete and his race. :D
 
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