The Highlight Urpen Diaries

[Mark Robson]

Week 2 - day whatever!

0900 - The big stupid one washed my hair again. Fluff balls rule! It seems it was in preparation for going to a place called church. Hey, great place! Cool music, lots of cuddle monsters and lots of hilarity as big sister insisted that dad dance with her in the aisle during several of the songs. Even got a celebrity introduction by the main man himself at the front of the service. Now I know I'm born for greatness. If only I can rid myself of this brainwashing routine being enforced by the big people, I should be able to take over the world within a matter of weeks. The trick will be to break the tyrannical rule of the big people within the place called home. Once that is achieved, there will be no stopping me. Mwahahaha!

1200 - Currently working on an experimental measurement system - The Highlight Scale. This is a measurement scale rather like the Beaufort Scale mixed with the Richter Scale, measuring wind and tremors on a scale like none witnessed before. It is delineated in increments based on a direct comparison to my infamous Uncle Bob's ability to belch/break wind with huge decibel levels. Am currently varying wildly between, 'A Whispering Breeze - Must try harder' to 'A Devastating Blast - Uncle Bob would be proud', but am rapidly increasing in consistency. Will attempt to embarrass the big people with my newfound talents whenever possible.

 

[Chefo]

 

[Mark Robson]

Week 2 - Day - irrelevant any more. No one celebrated my first week at home, so why should anyone care?

2000 - Discovered a great new trick. I can now vomit at will through mouth and both nostrils simultaneously! Cool, or what?! Now I have 5 available orifices to plague the big people with. Will utilise this to full effect from now on.

2300 - bed time for the big people... Ha! That's what they think. It's really funny to watch them manipulate my day such that my final feed falls at 2300. I allow them to do this only because I always save my joker to play just when they are ready to try to get some rest. Today's special was the start of a whole new campaign. I have been working on this idea for a couple of days now and used it to devastating effect tonight.

2302 - Attach myself to mum's left breast - yummy.

2304 - Play the 'I'm fast asleep and nothing you're going to do will wake me up,' card.

2304-2315 - The big stupid one tries to 'wind' me. I oblige him with a couple of thunderous burps, each registering high on the 'Highlight' scale, and he's happy that I will now settle. Am put into cot.

2316 - The big stupid one lies down, reaches over and turns out the night light.

2316 and 10 seconds - I make the most agonised, pained groaning sound the world has ever heard. I mentally practised this for hours before hand and boy it was effective. It sounded like the straining of someone with severe constipation who has got a wasp down his shirt, stinging him repeatedly!

Pause.

Let out several small whimpers followed by another groan, equally as pained as the first one.

2316 and 50 seconds - night light comes on. Am attached to mother's breast again. Yummy! Suck for another 2 minutes.

2319 - Fast asleep. The world could end and I wouldn't notice.

2320 - Big people are getting frustrated already. This is working a treat. They put me back in my cot and put out the light.

2320 and 30 seconds - let loose with another groan.... and repeat above!

0140 - Big people are now tired, irritible and grumpy. Mission accomplished for tonight. Will perfect this technique over the next week.

 

[SilverLady]

Delightful! Reads quite well to ANY parent, I'd say.

 

[Mark Robson]

End of Week 2 - I am a fortnight old! Hurrah.

Still no party but am making great inroads into taking over the place referred to as home.

Last night the big people were invited out to a mulled wine and mince pies evening. A party almost... and they decided to take me along! Another chance for mischief and mayhem. The party was due to start at 1930. It was 1915 and the big ones were just making the final preparations to go out. I thought I might have misjudged it, but no - the one with the tasty breasts called downstairs to the big stupid one for him to change my nappy before we left. This was it - my chance to strike.

I'll give him his due - he was prepared for my usual fountain impression trick, but I was saving much more than just that for tonight. Tonight was special. How dare they go to a party when they hadn't celebrated my first week alive! It was payback time!

The big stupid one undid my nappy and started to clean up my nether regions with a cold cloth called a baby wipe. More inconsideration! It was the final straw. Where were the nice warm cotton wool balls? I really let him have it for that. First the fountain at full blast. Oh, he was quick to clamp a wad of tissue over my hose, I'll grant him that, but he was not prepared for my barrage. Screwing my face up in concentration, I pushed as hard as I could and fired from the back barrel simultaneously.

The effect was awesome! A scramble of hands for more tissue. He could see he wasn't going to be fast enough, so he shifted the tissue from the front to rear. I fired my second shot from the front. Lost for anything else, he clamped his hand over it to try and deflect the flow into the lower tissue. Another strain and I threw up - I didn't manage the nostrils as well, but three orifices at once was more than he could cope with anyway.

I stopped the front hose, so he removed his hand for tissue. I fired again, squeezing hard to get every last drop as far as I could. The hand came back. It was great. He was shouting to the mummy for help, but to no avail. She was no where near fast enough. With a final last ditch effort, I fired one final gargantuan blast from the back barrel and relaxed, secure in the knowledge that I had made my protest in the most spectacular fashion I was able.

We were a bit late for the party, but it was worth it.

 

[Mark Robson]

Week 3 - day 1

All set for another night of fun, keeping the big people awake.

2200 - just been fed. Hmm, an hour early tonight. The big people are trying to catch up on sleep. I'll show them. Hey, what's this? The one with the milk machines has just washed her hair and has deployed a new anti-highlighter disturbance device! She is pointing a blowing machine at her hair. It is making an incredibly soporific noise. Must not give in to its sleep inducing powers. It's no good. Resistance is futile. Must stay awake... can't concentrate... must stay awake long enough to ... Zzzzz!

0330 - Damn and blast! I'll have to find a countermeasure to the dreaded hairdryer. I could not resist its hypnotic lullaby and now the big people have had far too much rest tonight. Play time is never as much fun when they are rested. Will do my best for the rest of the night. WAAAAAAHHHHHH!

 

[Mark Robson]

Week 3 - sometime.

2230 - Discovered a sad truth of a limitation of my male body tonight. I cannot multi-task. This might make taking over the world take a little longer than I had at first anticipated. I was feeding when I realised. There I was merrily sucking on a yummy breast when I realised that I needed to offload some waste if I was to take on any more food. Now you would think that this would be no problem. Simply suck with my mouth and push with my lower end, but no! I couldn't do it. I had to stop sucking and concentrate in order fill my nappy. The worst thing about it - the big people laughed at me. At one point I couldn't quite make up my mind which to do, which had the big people in gales of laughter as I moved to suck, then stopped to push, then tried to suck again. It wasn't funny. It was very embarrassing.

2300 - Got my own back. Waited until the big stupid one had changed my nappy, then fired into the clean one with air ripping power. Subsequently had him up and down for the next hour and a half with complaints of wind.

 

[Rane Longfox]

Damn, I'm so sorry I've missed this before. Belated congratulations.

Brilliant diaries. You should publish them. Seriously

 

[Mark Robson]

Damn, I'm so sorry I've missed this before. Belated congratulations.

Brilliant diaries. You should publish them. Seriously

This is just a bit of fun to keep me writing something. I can't do anything serious at the moment with severe sleep deprivation and lots of noise and distraction. Am currently looking at buying a house with more rooms so that I can have a dedicated study in which to write. As it happens, your part of the country is at the top of our list at the moment. There goes the neighbourhood!

 

[LadyFel]

Actually, I agree...you should keep it and get it published sometime...and embarass him to pay back for all these sleepless nights with a nice dedication on the first page...

I'd be first in line to buy a copy for myself and most of my parent friends... I'm totally hooked

 

[Mark Robson]

Week 3 - I must stop counting the days. It's getting a bit tiresome.

Discovered a way to unnerve the big sister person today. Was laid on her lap enjoying a nice cuddle, but she just wouldn't sit still. It was most irritating. In the end I decided that enough was enough. Much as I like cuddles, I was a bit sick of the endless renditions of the songs from her Christmas Play. As I haven't quite mastered the art of speech yet, and my yells seem to have little effect on who holds me, I decided to use my other weapon. I concentrated hard and fired into my nappy 3 times in quick succession. Big sister could not get rid of me fast enough. Effect noted and stored for future use.

2200 - Am rapidly developing adult tendancies. Taking over the world is already in sight. The mother big person today accused me of having 'wandering hands' whilst I was feeding. I'm told this is an attribute of adult males, and that I take after the big stupid one in this regard! As I'm developing towards adulthood so fast, I estimate that I must be nearly ready to take over the world. Just a few more things to work out in order to establish my rule in the place called home first. A few more days should do it.

 

[Rane Longfox]

Am currently looking at buying a house with more rooms so that I can have a dedicated study in which to write. As it happens, your part of the country is at the top of our list at the moment. There goes the neighbourhood!

Cool. Its a really nice part of the country Well, if you need any advice, don't hesitate to ask. Oh, and avoid Swindon

 

[LadyFel]

O Highliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...where aaaaaaaare youuuuuuuuu?

Come on, how did your first Christmas and New Year's Eve pass? Have the parents learnt any new tricks yet?

 

[Mark Robson]

Christmas Eve:

Damn it! I think that the big people are under the misapprehension that I'm some sort of super hero character. They've dressed me in a bizarre red and white suit with a stupid red and white hat that looks positively ridiculous! Don't they realise that I intend to take over the world by foul means, not fair? Apparently, tonight heralds some sort of celebration and they seem to think that it's terribly funny having me dressed up as if I'm going to take some major part in it. Well, they're wrong. I'll show them. I'll sleep for the whole night and not wake up under any circumstances.

Big sister is very excited. She keeps talking about someone called Santa who is supposed to be visiting via our chimney tonight. Now there's someone who needs his head examining! Big sister tried to tell the big people to leave out milk and cookies for him, and some carrots for his reindeer. The big stupid one pointed out that everyone leaves out milk and cookies, so they've put out mince pies and whisky instead. Also, along with the carrots for the reindeer, he suggested putting out some 'special' milk for Rudolf to help him keep his nose red. It came out of a brown bottle, which the mummy person seemed to be salivating over. Something called Baileys, I believe!

Home looks amazing at the moment. Sparkling tinsel everywhere, long lines of silver coloured bells all around the living room and loads of flashing lights around windows and along the outside of the house. Also, there's this huge incredible tree that seems to have sprouted and grown in our living room! The big people and big sister hung lots of red and silver globes from the branches and decorated it with lights and more tinsel. It's incredibly distracting. Especially the changing flashing sequences of the lights. I seem to be continually mesmerised by their patterns. I can't concentrate on anything. I should be plotting and scheming, but for some reason I end up laying back in my chair just staring in awe at its beauty.

 

[Mark Robson]

Christmas Day.

Ha! I slept for 8 hours straight last night. That will show the big people that I won't conform to their plans for me to be a super hero.

What's this? Oh, no! Damn! Damn! DAMN! It seems I've fallen into an elaborate trap. The big one's are repeatedly thanking me for the best Christmas present they could have had... a good night's sleep! The only good thing about this mistake is that I seem to be getting extra nice cuddles this morning.

Apparently the mad guy who big sister was expecting last night must have made an appearance. Aside from the fact that the whisky and mince pies had gone, along with Rudolf's special milk and most of the carrots, (the only one left looked well chewed) there are loads of colourful packages under the Christmas tree. Interesting. Now why would some idiot descend a narrow, sooty chimney to deliver a whole host of gifts from an assortment of family and friends with just a glass of whisky and a couple of Sainsbury's mince pies as reward? And just how did a reindeer get down that chimney, let alone back up again?

Am beginning to have my suspicions about who drank Rudolf's special milk. The hangover I'm suffering leads me to believe that the big one called Mummy must have drunk it when no one was looking. That would certainly explain why the milk from her milk machines tasted funny last night. It might also explain how I slept for so long, so easily. Boy, I bet Rudolf was pissed off to have struggled down that chimney for a couple of measly carrots!

Hey! Some of those packages are addressed to me. There's no holding big sister back today, though. She's ripping in to everything in sight. Still, she seems to be enjoying herself, so I suppose she can open the packages for me... what am I saying? I'm a cold, heartless villain, poised to take over the world! Why should I let her have anything of mine? Give me that here, big sister? Hmm. She doesn't seem to understand me. Note to self: Must learn to speak intelligibly as soon as possible.

So what have I got? Clothes. More clothes... useful and high in cute factor, but hardly the most useful weapons for taking over the world. Where are the high powered personal computers, the gadgets and gismos for power-mongering? Wait, what's this? It rattles. That's promising. Maybe it is a secret surveillance device, cunningly disguised as a baby toy... then again, maybe not. So, I got some cute clothes and a few toys. Well it's not much to work with, but it's a start, I suppose.

 

[Rane Longfox]

I stand and applaud in awe

 

[Mark Robson]

Boxing Day

Back to my normal tricks last night. Have discovered that while it is great fun forcing the big people to change my clothes at every opportunity, with just a little more effort, I can force them to change their own clothes as well! It's easy. I just gorge on milk, sucking it in as hard and fast as I can until I'm completely bloated, then I let rip with a single, dynamic, high on the Highlight Scale, burp before following through with a wet one. My range is improving rapidly. It's even more effective if I can let the milk brew for a little while in my stomach, because then it comes out as a wonderful mixture of liquid and lumpy white gunge. Managed four sets of my new clothes during the night, together with 3 sets of night clothes for the mummy person.

The only down side to this plan is that the big stupid one is showing some signs of intelligence. As soon as I finish feeding, he now leaps up and puts me up on his shoulder to 'wind' me. His methods are hardly conventional, but they are annoyingly effective. He does this silly sort of dance that he calls his 'wind dance'. It's very embarrassing - particularly during the day time when he adds the sound effects. Communication is getting higher on my priority list of things to learn. I desperately want to stop the humiliation of being carried around by a person who pretends to be a Red Indian dancing around a fire, chanting some unintelligible rubbish that he thinks sounds authentic! I have developed a suitable punishment for this ruination of my street cred, though, as if I reach down into the 'V' gap at the front of his dressing gown I can grab a good handful of chest hair. This changes his ululating chant from 'Red Indian' to 'strangled cat', which is most satisfying. So far, he hasn't found any countermeasure to this, as I can wriggle enough to keep both of his hands busy and the wriggling increases the volume and intensity of his discomfort. Another small step towards household domination.