Novel Prologue, 2nd draft.

[Sapheron]

Well, this is your second time seeing this (if you're one of the lucky ones ), and it is, supposedly, improved on since last time. So, well... tell me what you think! If you read this, would you read on? I'm finding this opening quite difficult (always do), so I'd appreciate anything you have to say a lot. As a specific note; what do you think of Kodoku? What sort of person would you say he is? This is important you see.











Laura swung her blade in a slow arc. At the end of the curve, she paused, before she moved once again. Sapheron had said she must stay strong, even if they were no longer anything to do with the Choir. So she would; she would do anything for him. Sapheron… he still used that name, not a normal one. She couldn’t understand why he kept that connection to the world they were no longer part of. She, herself, had chosen a different name. A more natural one. Her old one was but a memory.


Laura’s blade, Epona, glinted gold as it passed through the rich sunlight of the morning, which was pouring through the blinds. Her bare feet rustled as they moved against the carpet. Such comfort… the real world was bliss. No, the fake world was; they had left the real world for this. The fake world merely seemed real, as it was so much bigger, with so many more people. She could hear them all, in the buzz of the traffic, as they moved around outside below her window. This was the great city of London, home to millions of people. Though in this flat, a single woman practised how to use a sword.


Epona moved again, and came to rest behind and above her. It moved down. Laura focuses her mind entirely on the weapon. When in battle, the blade was all there was. Enemies were merely a distraction. The blade was the focus. That was what Sensei had taught the four of them.


The doorbell rang. With her concentration so suddenly broken, Laura jumped. She put a hand to her chest and breathed deep. It was nothing, only the door. She was getting too jumpy about things. Sapheron was always telling her to be more relaxed. It was bad for her, he said. He was probably right. He always was.


Laura put Epona on the table, then realised it was in plain sight of the door. She threw it onto the settee instead, so that the back of it hid it from view. That was the thing she loved most about the human world; the sheer comfort. That and the electricity…


She walked over to the door, and pushed a stream of golden hair back behind her ears. One hand held it while the other put a band around. She took a quick glance in the mirror as she went to the door. She looked fine, pretty as always.


For a second she was tempted to open the cages, to look straight through the wood of the door and see who was there before she opened it. Just in case. No, she thought, that was silly. She should just open it. One hand closed around the door handle. She began to turn it… ever so slightly.


Laura stepped back suddenly as a cold sweat broke over her body. It felt as if it was difficult to breathe, somehow, even though she knew she was doing it fine. She knew this feeling… this was…


“Halo, open the door. The Choir has found you, traitors.”


Laura stared at the door. One of them was here. One of the High Lords, no doubt. No, not just one of them, it would be him… the only one who could fight Sapheron and possibly win. She was already dead… He’d found her and Sapheron wasn’t here. There was no chance to fight, no chance to escape. Sapheron… she’d lost him forever now. All this effort, the betrayal, the running, the hiding… all to die anyway. It couldn’t be like that. Fate couldn’t choose that path. It was too cruel. She could fight. She would, until Sapheron came back. Then this man would die for trying to interfere in their love.


Laura opened the first three cages with barely a thought. The pain of breathing faded to nothing as her power rose to meet the one outside. She leapt back across the room, and Epona flashed in the light again as it rose. The fourth cage was no help here. Forget it. The fifth cage, she felt a contraction in her eye muscles. Her pupils would be slits now; the eyes of cat. Six, she could open but, again, it was no help here.


Perception, the divine sight of the gods, she could use this now. Her slitted eyes passed through the door as though it were barely tinted glass. Everything was grey, but a figure outside the door was white. A grey shroud was around him loosely… that would be his clothes. Another white shape was outside, in the corridor. No, thought Laura. Don’t come closer. Don’t get involved… not with him.


Suddenly a brighter white shape appeared in the hands of the man outside her door. Laura looked down at her hands, and Epona glowed in the same way. One of the god’s weapons; here to kill her. It flashed four times, and the door came apart and fell inwards. No…


“What the hell!” said a voice outside. The other white shape had come over. The first shape twisted to look at it, and the white sword shape flashed around again. There was a scream, and Laura felt a tear drop from one eye. Someone innocent was dead because she was here. She gritted her teeth. She would make him pay for that murder… yes… he would die!


Laura saw the white shape turn again, and move towards the
doorway. He moved into her real sight, and she could see both his soul and him at the same time. He was tall and slim, as shown by the perception of the soul, as his clothes hid his shape form physical sight. They were a single piece of cloth, a black robe, which swirled about him as he strode silently into the room. The long sleeves hid his hands, and the sword that one of them held. Which hand? If she could work it out that would help.


Laura tried, but found her mind and eyes instead being dragged towards his face. He was almost flawless, a perfect person. Pale skin showed up against the black robe, almost as light as the white flame designs that swirled about his left arm. His hair was almost black as well, and was short, bar the long fringes that lay against his chest, and half hid his face from view. His eyes were slits… the slits of perception, of a hunter.


That wasn’t it though. No emotion was the thing. He had killed a man, yet his face was clear of any thought, any feeling. People were nothing to this creature. Human could never describe a man so utterly devoid of compassion. But his eyes…


“I haven’t seen you for a while, Halo,” said Kodoku.”


“You’ve come to kill me?” asked Laura, and took a step back. A second ago she had resolved to leap at him as he entered the room. But his eyes…


The deepest evil and the deepest midnight. The greatest thought and the least care. The most deadly. Those were the eyes of Kodoku. Eyes of hate and power. Eyes that knew nothing but a will to murder. Laura took another step back.


“No, I’ve come to kill Sapheron. Your death will merely be a side affect of today. After all, I have no interest in you. You are weak.”


“I betrayed the Choir. Surely you were sent to kill me?” said Laura. Another step back.


“Of course I was, and I will.” Kodoku’s left arm came up, and the sleeve fell back. There was a scabbard there, held horizontally, slightly longer than his forearm. “However, he was my target from the start. He betrayed the Choir the same, maybe, but he also betrayed me.” A pale hand came up on his right, and the slender fingers closed around the black string of the sword’s handle. “You were merely a friend, Halo. Sapheron… was my enemy!”


Sapheron would die if Kodoku had his way. She knew, after seeing those eyes again, that she could not win. Laura would die here today, right now. However, if she could injure him, hurt him, weaken him, then Sapheron stood a better chance. She leapt forwards, and crossed the three metres between them almost instantly. Yes, she had not grown weak. Epona swung down in an arc that tore plaster from the ceiling as it headed for Kodoku’s head. He was still looking straight forwards, uninterested, as Epona met his…


Blade. The two hands had risen above his head, moved apart. An inch of black metal showed between the handle and the scabbard, and it was against the bronze blade of Epona. Kodoku span, and the movement through Laura’s arms to one side. A booted foot connected with her stomach. Laura passed back across the three metres just as quickly as before, and went further into the wall. Bricks cracked under the impact. She stayed upright, and felt a thousand points of pain erupt over her back, and inside her stomach and head.


Kodoku stood facing her. He slowly slid his sword back, till it was fully sheathed with a slight click. His face, still disinterested, turned away. Laura’s sight moved from him to the floor as she fell. There was no sound, no movement. The cages closed away again, and her eyes blurred as the magic left them. It was the end.


Laura thought of Sapheron. Could he really beat this man? This man who thought of him as an enemy to be beaten, prey before a hunter? Could Kodoku, who thought of his own brother as nothing more than that, really be beaten? Did it matter anymore?


No… she could hear the Soul Song, the Choir’s music. A single voice broke through it all, as though from far away.


“We were friends once, Halo. Now you die as a traitor. I loved you once. Goodbye.”


No emotion… that was Kodoku then. Still no emotion. He spoke on, but the Soul Song drowned him out. It was the end…

 

[Commonmind]

I was writing a more in depth critique Saph but accidentally went back a page and the forum swallowed my efforts. So, I’ll just comment on a few things that stood out:

First, the reference to electricity: you’ve given the impression that these individuals are from some higher plane of existence, possibly even somewhere divine or spiritual. Laura’s comment about electricity really doesn’t fit here as (if I’m correct in my assumption) I would guess her place of origin is probably beyond such meager devices as light-bulbs and curling irons. Second, the word sensei seemed really contrived and out of place; it is one of those oft overused words that people like to throw in because it sounds ‘cool,’ or they feel it comes off as more intelligent than simply saying teacher. With all the other names you’ve used and all the other imagery, I would probably replace sensei with something more like the rest; magister, maestro, conductor, composer (or, as mentioned above, teacher would work, as well).

Also, Epona is a horse goddess if I remember correctly (and is also the name of Link’s horse in the Legend of Zelda series) and it just doesn’t quite gel as the name of a sword. I like the name, just not for a weapon. (I'm also sure that a decent bit of the Fantasy audience are also avid or casual gamers and will likely have a hard time discerning between the sword and the image of a red horse, dancing in their heads.)

Also, it’s side effect - not side affect.

Otherwise I did enjoy reading it quite a bit. There are definitely some grammar issues and a few problem spots with things sounding a bit too flowery, but overall it was great. Keep it up.

(and I did read your first entry and must say this is much better, good work)

 

[Sapheron]

Ah... Sensei... that isn't to sound cool at all. I don't mean it as 'teacher' really, that is actually someone's name. They are called Sensei, the fact they teach, although related, isn't the reason for it. However, now you mention it, I might well change the name of the character. To something that actually sounds intelligent.

Epona... think you're right there. Almost everything is the name of a god or divine figure in my story because well... its about gods and divine figures. In hindsight I might want to chose better though.

The electric thing... the best way I can put it is, yes they are from somewhere spiritual, somewhere divine, and from a certain perspective somewhere higher, and above out world. However, humans are still limited by human things, and electricity is a big help for a lot of stuff. Again, I'll think on it, but I doubt I'll change that much.

However, all is good if its even slightly better, and if you enjoyed it overall. I just need to make it better now. Then better again, and in the end it'll be as near perfect as it can get.

Thanks for the help.

As a slight favour in return; the back issue and losing your post. I like write larger posts in Word first, solves that bother.

 

[Commonmind]

Actually, I normally do the same; figures that on the rare occasion I don't, I lose my reply.

 

[Sapheron]

Such is life. Consider yourself shown... by an inanimate bunch of electric signals.

 

[Keri]

Laura swung her blade in a slow arc. At the end of the curve, she paused, before she moved once again.

Practicing sword forms I don't like that she pauses it seems non dedicated and not part of the swordform, that she is pausing but rather because of her thoughts.

Sapheron had said she must stay strong, even if they were no longer anything to do with the Choir. So she would; she would do anything for him. Sapheron… he still used that name, not a normal one. She couldn’t understand why he kept that connection to the world they were no longer part of. She, herself, had chosen a different name. A more natural one. Her old one was but a memory.

Guys please you can make a strong female character. You are making me cry here. If this was a guy you wouldnt do the he said I should be strong, so I have to be strong. We may be weaker physically but that doesn't mean we have to be insipid or not think for ourselves. Likewise while I dont mind you having her character flaw be that she doesnt think for herself alot for an opening to the story and what seems to be a major player it just isnt acceptable. If she has enough opinions to give herself a new name though admittedly a common one, she shown that she can disagree with Saph's choices yet in next moment you have her blindly agreeing with his other opinions. Does she have no sense of self or self esteem?
This is a bit of fluff description. Reword this put it in her own thoughts not mimicing what Sapheron's words are. Give her a little personality even if she does seem to be blindly following Sapheron's advice and not very effectively at that.

Laura’s blade, Epona, glinted gold as it passed through the rich sunlight of the morning, which was pouring through the blinds

I agree with commonmind on name of sword. This sentence could use a little restructuring for me. Quick rewrite:

Sunlight poured through the blinds as Laura swung Epona, it flashed in a brilliant arc of gold.

. Her bare feet rustled as they moved against the carpet. Such comfort… the real world was bliss. No, the fake world was; they had left the real world for this. The fake world merely seemed real, as it was so much bigger, with so many more people. She could hear them all, in the buzz of the traffic, as they moved around outside below her window. This was the great city of London, home to millions of people. Though in this flat, a single woman practised practiced how to use a sword.

Haven't really had my feet rustle on carpet especially barefoot. I don't care much for the real world /fake world thing.

Clean this paragraph up example continuing from sentence I reworded above:

She danced through the forms, enjoying the feel of the plush carpet under her bare feet. She loved the luxuries here and the buzz of humanity outside her London flat's window just emphasized the differences.

That is a quick rewrite but it cleans up your paragraph, emphasizes the points I think you want to convey.

Epona moved again, and came to rest behind and above her. It moved down. Laura focuses her mind entirely on the weapon. When in battle, the blade was all there was. Enemies were merely a distraction. The blade was the focus. That was what Sensei had taught the four of them.

I do agree Sensei seems contrived here. She's not focusing on the blade though she is luxurating in her senses the carpet, and shes halfheartedly practicing.

The doorbell rang. With her concentration so suddenly broken, Laura jumped. She put a hand to her chest and breathed deep. It was nothing, only the door. She was getting too jumpy about things. Sapheron was always telling her to be more relaxed. It was bad for her, he said. He was probably right. He always was.

Put the effects of the reaction to the doorbell ie: concentration broken after her jumping. Reword JUMPY. Think for herself:
She put a hand to her chest and breathed deeply, concentrating on the relaxation techniques Sapheron had taught her.

Laura put Epona on the table, then realised it was in plain sight of the door. She threw it onto the settee instead, so that the back of it hid it from view. That was the thing she loved most about the human world; the sheer comfort. That and the electricity

…
Diving being, not expecting visitors do you really think she'd throw down her weapon?

She walked over to the door, and pushed a stream of golden hair back behind her ears. One hand held it while the other put a band around. She took a quick glance in the mirror as she went to the door. She looked fine, pretty as always.

Again we are taking time to be vain?

I'm not going to critique anymore just give you my opinions on it. Your characters are not making good first impressions. You NEVER get another chance to make a first impression. Laura is very weak, while I'll accept flaws in a character especially a supporting one you have to give her something to make her a little more interesting or not so contradictory. Consider Golem in LOR, he has considerable flaws yet he is fascinating in his own way. If you want to create a character with alot of flaws to her personality and weak then you have to compensate in some other way.

Epona is bronze then how is it glinting golden? Not real fond of your villain either. You claim he has not feeling yet he is interested in Sapheron or he claims to be. If he is totally without feeling and only has objective then he wouldnt be getting into the discussions he does. He wouldnt claim he loved Halo or Laura at all once.

You have alot of stuff to work with here and I can see how this can be a terrific piece you just need to work on creating the personalities and traits a little more fully and giving it a more natural feel.