Regnants: Prologue 620 words

[emburmak]

Below is part of the prologue of my book Regnants. Critiques in both structure and grammatical areas are welcome. Thanks.





Prologue

Beware of Regnants, with their vague visions and obscure hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. For they wish only themselves well. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who allude to deviations in the branches of a betoken future. Making such desolate truths, mirages of their forecast reality, seem as personal failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.


Tomes of Nomos, Thirty-second Book of the Ages, Chapter 2 verse 13-15. Sayings of Daris the Ponderer.




Year 938 of Daristoth’s ascension (DA). The Kynon plains, south of the Outer-rim borderlands.





The sun hung at noon as two humans waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants. Their eyes were on a village, which stood at the mouth of the valley on a slight knoll. A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed. One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piecing green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate.
In the prolonged silence, he held his tongue, trying not to look in his Mentor’s direction. He shook his head, in a mark of disguised frustration, preferring to talk than do nothing, but many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence.
“It is time,” The other said. The man, was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.
“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.
In the village above, a loud howl echoed.
“Deal with the howlers. I shall face the kin alone.”
”Why bother?”
”Why not indulge yourself and use them as practice?”
”Alright.”
”Go slowly; I will follow in your wake.”
“Is all this subterfuge necessary?”
“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get this close.”
”I haven’t noticed your precautions.”
”Look to the sky, what do you see?”
”Nothing.”
”Exactly.”
”You haven’t been noticed yet?” Narcodon asked, rueful to be on the receiving end of another lecture. Years of study under his Mentor had not cured his impulsiveness nor brought parity to his perceptiveness. His Mentor on the other hand never said a sentence without thought, rarely made a move without reflection, and always had a plan before an action. Whether these qualities or vices, dependent on which view, were because of his Sage blood, his age or just his temperament, Narcodon was not in a position to say.
”I think not. This attire is a good muffler, and following in your wake will suffice.”

 

[chrispenycate]

Below is part of the prologue of my book Regnants. Critiques in both structure and grammatical areas are welcome. Thanks.





Prologue

Beware of Regnants, with their vague visions and obscure hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered

comma

are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. For they wish only themselves well. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal

comma

even one with the ability to be long-lived?

Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who allude to deviations in the branches of a betoken

"betoken" is a verb; I'm not sure you can use it as an adjective

future. Making such desolate truths, mirages of their forecast reality, seem as personal failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.

Tomes of Nomos, Thirty-second Book of the Ages, Chapter 2 verse 13-15. Sayings of Daris the Ponderer.




Year 938 of Daristoth’s ascension (DA). The Kynon plains, south of the Outer-rim borderlands.





The sun hung at noon as two humans waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants. Their eyes were on a village, which stood at the mouth of the valley on a slight knoll. A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed. One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piecing

piercing

green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate.

In the prolonged silence, he held his tongue, trying not to look in his Mentor’s direction. He shook his head, in a mark of disguised frustration, preferring to talk than do nothing, but many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence.
“It is time,” The other said. The man,

no comma

was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.

“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.
In the village above, a loud howl echoed.
“Deal with the howlers. I shall face the kin alone.”
”Why bother?”
”Why not indulge yourself and use them as practice?”
”Alright.”
”Go slowly; I will follow in your wake.”
“Is all this subterfuge necessary?”
“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get

have got (yeah, I know. Dialogue. Not necessarily gramatical

this close.”

”I haven’t noticed your precautions.”
”Look to the sky, what do you see?”
”Nothing.”
”Exactly.”
”You haven’t been noticed yet?” Narcodon asked, rueful to be on the receiving end of another lecture. Years of study under his Mentor had not cured his impulsiveness nor brought parity to his perceptiveness. His Mentor

comma

on the other hand

comma

never said a sentence without thought, rarely made a move without reflection, and always had a plan before an action. Whether these qualities or vices, dependent on which view, were because of his Sage blood, his age or just his temperament, Narcodon was not in a position to say.

”I think not. This attire is a good muffler, and following in your wake will suffice.”

 

[emburmak]

Thanks Chrispenycate. I used 'betoken' in place of 'forecast'--'betoken future' for 'forecast future'. I will look at it again. Anything to add on the story?

 

[Commonmind]

The prologue is rife with bloated synonyms; simpler words would have made the piece flow better from beginning to end. Though your own vocabulary may be robust, it reads as if you’ve done your best to thesaurus’ize the exposition as much as possible. It sounds contrived and stiff. I understand that you’re referencing a fictional work of literature that exists within your story, and that work of literature may be written in a very different style, but if I read that prologue in the bookstore I would have left the book to guard the shelf from dust, thinking how the author was simply attempting to write over my head.

The second part of the excerpt is much better, but still needs a little work. Perhaps not calling them “humans” in the first line would be a start. Calling them “men” makes more sense as the reader will usually associate “men” or “man” with “human.” When you talk about another race in fiction they are usually referred to with the name of their race (elves, dwarfs, etc.), and using the word man in any way signifies their gender, rather than their racial designation. I really saw no reason for pointing out that they were human as you never hinted to another type of race(save maybe the prologue, but since we know nothing else about what you mentioned there we can assume the Regnants are any number of things, and could well be human themselves) Also, near the end of the dialogue, you started rolling back into that sluggish style and I found myself trying to remember what the word parity meant for the rest of the excerpt, reading the words that followed without actually retaining anything.

I don’t know. I hate to be critical of style, as I think everyone should have their own voice, and their own way of saying things. What I’m wondering though, is if this actually how you would speak, is this the way your writer’s voice sounds in your head? Or are you going back and doing your best to pretty it up where it might have been better had you not?

 

[emburmak]

Thanks Commonmind, for your interesting comments. Daris the fictional characther mentioned is thousands of years old and that excerpt was actually a poem. I have adopted the philosophy, in rememberance of my grand father I might add, of the older the race or individual, the more opaque their speech, akin to deities and their 'visions'.
Actually I visualised the poem as a way of tying in the title and did not in fact consult a thesaurus. Regnants are infact deities, i.e. gods. I felt it better to make that tie-in without actually explaining it. In view of your comments I will act on and maybe move that back to chapter 1, although it is part and parcel of my writing style.

Thanks also for you critiques of the second part. In fact 'parity' should be 'clarity' and I am at loss as to how that escaped me.

As to the word 'humans', I put that to distinguish from the following scene which is seen through the eyes of a wolf-like animal. Also the Mentor while human, is over two thousand years old, and can be said to be in the 'super' category, being quite able to change appearance etc. The other one is a normal human.

Actually that is how I speak, maybe english being a second language might be a problem. But nevertheless I am trying to depict a conversation between an immortal human with a mortal one. In my view the former cannot speak in a contmeporary manner. I will of course look at the manuscript and make corrections as I see fit. Once again thanks.

Below is an edited version of the first part of the prologue, based on your critiques. Your opinion will be wellcomed.


Beware of Regnants, with their visions and hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered, are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal, even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who point out differences to a forecast event, making such desolate truths, whilst mirages of their own forecasts, seem as human failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.

 

[chrispenycate]

Thanks Chrispenycate. I used 'betoken' in place of 'forecast'--'betoken future' for 'forecast future'. I will look at it again. Anything to add on the story?

And a splendid word it is - even I'm not certain it can't be used like that. Don't let me reduce your vocabulary one iota, please.

But "forecast can be used as noun, a verb or an adjective, while few of its synonyms are so flexible.
And no, I concentrate on details, which I can do, and hope someone else will do the grand sweeps, where my taste is notably suspect. Sure, anyone could do the punctuation, but if I do, no one else needs to.

Oh, and I got the deities reterence without difficulty, and took the "parity" to mean balance, equilibrium, so didn't change it because it was an interesting concept; what a pity it was unintended.

 

[silveroxide]

Year 938 of Daristoth’s ascension (DA). The Kynon plains, south of the Outer-rim borderlands.

If Daristoth's ascension is a proper name of an event, ascension should be capitalised. Same for 'Plains' and 'Borderlands' if they are proper nouns.

The sun hung at noon as two humans waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants.

I think 'cultivated plants' is only appropriate here if the characters find the plants particularly alien. Otherwise actually naming the plant would be better, I think. Just a little niggle.

One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piecing green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate.

Could be worth clarifying what academy you are referring to, since the word academy has scholarly connotations. You might also need an 'an' before 'academy', I'm not sure.

“It is time,” The other said. The man, was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.
“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.

'The other', 'the man', 'the mounted man' sound very contrived. It feels like you're purposefully trying to avoid telling the reader their names, one of which you reveal very soon anyway. The way you describe the second set of clothes also gets in the way of the narrative. The first man's clothes are described more organically rather than simply saying 'He wore such and such', which works better.

“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get this close.”

That doesn't sound very sarcastic to me.

Beware of Regnants, with their visions and hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered, are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal, even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who point out differences to a forecast event, making such desolate truths whilst mirages of their forecasts, seem as mortal failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.

I think the effect you are going for is lost because you mix words that could conceivably be found in arcane religious texts with words that (rightly or wrongly) sound modern or have scientific connotations. 'Forecast' is the main offender for me, although there are some other words that you'd stumble over. Also, sentences like these:

Their recipe is silence to those who point out differences to a forecast event, making such desolate truths whilst mirages of their forecasts, seem as mortal failings.

only serve to take attention away from the text. Of course there are many arcane religious texts that, when translated into modern languages, will sound much worse than this, but your objective should be to entice the reader to read on, not show off your vocabulary.

 

[Pyan]

I would have thought that, taking in to account both your desire to keep the Prologue as it is, and Commonmind's possibly justified comments on it as a "hook", the simplest way to satisfy both points of view would be to move this bit:

Tomes of Nomos, Thirty-second Book of the Ages, Chapter 2 verse 13-15. Sayings of Daris the Ponderer.

from after the prologue to before it - at one stroke it clarifies that it is, in fact, an archaically written quote from an ancient tome, and that the rest of the story will probably not be in the same "high tongue". Add "Taken from the" at the beginning, and all will be clear!

 

[emburmak]

If Daristoth's ascension is a proper name of an event, ascension should be capitalised. Same for 'Plains' and 'Borderlands' if they are proper nouns.


I think 'cultivated plants' is only appropriate here if the characters find the plants particularly alien. Otherwise actually naming the plant would be better, I think. Just a little niggle.

Could be worth clarifying what academy you are referring to, since the word academy has scholarly connotations. You might also need an 'an' before 'academy', I'm not sure.


'The other', 'the man', 'the mounted man' sound very contrived. It feels like you're purposefully trying to avoid telling the reader their names, one of which you reveal very soon anyway. The way you describe the second set of clothes also gets in the way of the narrative. The first man's clothes are described more organically rather than simply saying 'He wore such and such', which works better.


That doesn't sound very sarcastic to me.

Thanks for your incisive comments. The 'cultivated plants' is there because they are on another continent as shown by the inappropiate wear of Parshkis, and later in the Prologue not posted here because of space considerations.

I think the academy thing is clear enough. 'of a gladitorial or academy graduate'. Nobody will mistake a gladitorial graduate as a scholar, nor does the description 'lean muscular physique' point to anything other than a martial academy.

The first part is supposed to be a representation of an old text by somebody about two thousand years old when he put that down. It is in actual fact a liberal translation of an obscure african religious belief or should I say idiom. I simply replaced gods etc with Regnants.

I do know that sarcasm can come in many forms. Sarcasim can be by inflection, which is what I was trying to show, hence the phrase 'dripping with every word'. Narcodon has been under his Mentor for a long time, and would know his follibles.

As to your 'other' observations, somebody else has mentioned them. It is just that I have always disliked the 'in-your face-character' format were you see a name without introduction or description, and spend the next few pages trying to find out how the characther looks. In reflection of that I try to wait for a characther to name another before introducing a name. This gives me the oppotunity to describe the characther before naming. It is a follible of mine. Thanks again for your critiques.

 

[emburmak]

I would have thought that, taking in to account both your desire to keep the Prologue as it is, and Commonmind's possibly justified comments on it as a "hook", the simplest way to satisfy both points of view would be to move this bit:
from after the prologue to before it - at one stroke it clarifies that it is, in fact, an archaically written quote from an ancient tome, and that the rest of the story will probably not be in the same "high tongue". Add "Taken from the" at the beginning, and all will be clear!

Thank you very very much. That might just be the answer to my problem. I do not want to remove it because it introduces the concept of Regnant as a replacment for god and is a precursor for the book title. Also it is the chapter format of the book were I use each beginning as a small info dump.

Not only that but since a characther or two are either Regnants or disguised immortals, only by their form of speech can their ages be gauged. That's what I am trying to do anyway.

 

[emburmak]

Thanks!! To all the guys who put in their critiques, below is a revision based on the insights you guys have mentioned, tempered with my own inclinations.
Is this better and a good hook? Does it put my story in a more favourable light?


Beware of Regnants, with their visions and hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered, are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal, even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who point out differences to a forecast event, making such desolate truths, whilst mirages of their own forecasts, seem as human failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.


Taken from the Tomes of Nomos, Thirty-second Book of the Ages, Chapter 2 verse 13-15. Sayings of Daris the Ponderer.


Prologue



Year 938 of Daristoth’s Ascension (DA). The Kynon Plains, south of the Outer-rim Borderlands. The first thread.

The sun hung at noon as two men waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants. Their eyes were on a village, which stood at the mouth of the valley on a slight knoll. A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed. One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piercing green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate.
In the prolonged silence, he held his tongue, trying not to look in his Mentor’s direction. He shook his head, in a mark of disguised frustration, preferring to talk than do nothing, but many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence.
“It is time,” The other said. The man was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.
“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.
In the village above, a loud howl echoed.
“Deal with the howlers. I shall face the kin alone.”
”Why bother?”
”Why not indulge yourself and use them as practice?”
”Alright.”
”Go slowly; I will follow in your wake.”
“Is all this subterfuge necessary?”
“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get this close.”
”I haven’t noticed your precautions.”
”Look to the sky, what do you see?”
”Nothing.”
”Exactly.”
”You haven’t been noticed yet?” Narcodon asked, rueful to be on the receiving end of another lecture. Years of study under his Mentor had not cured his impulsiveness nor brought equal clarity to his perceptiveness. His Mentor, on the other hand, never said a sentence without thought, rarely made a move without reflection, and always had a plan before an action. Whether these qualities or vices, dependent on which view, were because of his Sage blood, his age or just his temperament, Narcodon was not in a position to say.
”I think not. This attire is a good muffler, and following in your wake will suffice.”

 

[Commonmind]

Interesting ideas to say the least emburmak. My critique is, of course, my own opinion of your piece, based on my particular reading tastes. I do try to be somewhat objective, but there are times where it's hard to ignore that voice in my head. With your added explanation things became a bit more clear.

 

[emburmak]

Interesting ideas to say the least emburmak. My critique is, of course, my own opinion of your piece, based on my particular reading tastes. I do try to be somewhat objective, but there are times where it's hard to ignore that voice in my head. With your added explanation things became a bit more clear.

Thanks for your comments none the less! I think my problem was following the wrong advice. I started the book from the end instead of starting from the beginning. While it looked like a good advice at the beginning, to know your ending, behold it has proven to be an error.

Instead of starting from the front and building up, I have a strong plot, compelling scenes, a good ending, nice middle, but a poor front. But if I cannot get a reader past the prologue, what's the point?

I wish I could post the complete prologue but at 7,000 words that is just not on. I will of course be posting excerpts and appreciate all comments and critiques.

 

[emburmak]

And a splendid word it is - even I'm not certain it can't be used like that. Don't let me reduce your vocabulary one iota, please.


Oh, and I got the deities reterence without difficulty, and took the "parity" to mean balance, equilibrium, so didn't change it because it was an interesting concept; what a pity it was unintended.

Thanks for the correction! I have on reflection decided to put 'parity' back. It is part of my writing style and I believe even after corrections and increase in knowledge one should remain true to that, for better or worse!

 

[Phil Brown]

Beware of Regnants, with their vague visions and obscure hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants. Supplications, when answered are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. For they wish only themselves well. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup. What chance has a mortal even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who allude to deviations in the branches of a betoken future. Making such desolate truths, mirages of their forecast reality, seem as personal failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.
Tomes of Nomos, Thirty-second Book of the Ages, Chapter 2 verse 13-15. Sayings of Daris the Ponderer.

Personally I find this a turn-off. I'm looking for a dramatic start to a story, not a philosophy. Introduce the philosophy when the reader feels a need for it.

The sun hung at noon as two humans waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants. Their eyes were on a village, which stood at the mouth of the valley on a slight knoll. A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed. One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piecing green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate.

piecing should be piercing

In the prolonged silence, he held his tongue, trying not to look in his Mentor’s direction. He shook his head, in a mark of disguised frustration, preferring to talk than do nothing, but many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence.
“It is time,” The other said. The man, was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.
“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.
In the village above, a loud howl echoed.
“Deal with the howlers. I shall face the kin alone.”
”Why bother?”
”Why not indulge yourself and use them as practice?”
”Alright.”
”Go slowly; I will follow in your wake.”
“Is all this subterfuge necessary?”
“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get this close.”
”I haven’t noticed your precautions.”
”Look to the sky, what do you see?”
”Nothing.”
”Exactly.”
”You haven’t been noticed yet?” Narcodon asked, rueful to be on the receiving end of another lecture. Years of study under his Mentor had not cured his impulsiveness nor brought parity to his perceptiveness. His Mentor on the other hand never said a sentence without thought, rarely made a move without reflection, and always had a plan before an action. Whether these qualities or vices, dependent on which view, were because of his Sage blood, his age or just his temperament, Narcodon was not in a position to say.
”I think not. This attire is a good muffler, and following in your wake will suffice.”

I don't feel any tension here, any involvement with the drama. Why should I care about this? What's at stake? If "many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence" then let's see what is tempting him to speak.

 

[emburmak]

Personally I find this a turn-off. I'm looking for a dramatic start to a story, not a philosophy. Introduce the philosophy when the reader feels a need for it.

piecing should be piercing

I don't feel any tension here, any involvement with the drama. Why should I care about this? What's at stake? If "many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence" then let's see what is tempting him to speak.

Thanks for your critque. I have actually revised it based on previous critiques. The 'philosophy' as you call it has been moved to Chapter 1. As I said in my previous posts, I structured the story that way so as to use the top as small info dumps about my fictional society. However based on the critiques and its abilty to dilute the 'hook' I have acted on it, by moving the Chapter headings beneath the dumps and expunging it from the prologue.

As to your other question, the Prologue is over 7,000 words long and as such I am unable to post it here due to the posting rules. I could PM to you if you like or if you are a critter, it is currently posted there. In a nutshell, the actions starts immediately they enter the village and will be seen from other eyes. His Mentor will corner his 'kin' there and in its aftermath a reader gets a handle on the world I am introducing and the prospect that a whole lot things are about to start happening. Thanks for your pointed comments, none the less, I am a first time writer and will welcome any advice. The more honest the better.

However it should be noted that, I wrote the book without reading anything on writing or visiting any writing sites, relying simply on my experience of reading SF/fantasy for the past 30 years. It is only now, having finished, that I relocated from the third world to the UK have I ventured out to read books on the topic and register in writing sites.

I am currently 'polishing' it. I now realise that I started it the wrong way (from the ending), but in a way I am grateful that I did not explore writing resources/critiques before I finished as I might have been scared away. Having a manucript to hand has made it better as what I always needed was proof readers and independent points of view-- i.e. those with greater experience to comment on my first steps.

Thanks to critiques from people like you, I have already identified areas of my writing that need some work e.g grammatical errors, a need to tighten the scenes, to capture and hold interest (the 'philosophy' being a perfect example of wrong place) and to desist from falling in love with some scenes and characthers.

 

[Keri]

If I were you I'd divide this first little part as one to two sentence intro into a chapter or prologue. As a whole this paragraph slows down your introduction too much. I'm sure you've seen writers do a quote or a two sentence wording into chapter.

Then we get a little more background as story progresses yet we're not bored reading it in very beginning because it is extremely dry dear.

Beware of Regnants, with their visions and hints, tailored to purposes other than the well-being of their supplicants.

This could be first italicized entry into first chapter or prologue. It feels unfinished though. Hints of what the future? I don't like the second part of sentence either the word "tailored" is out of place doesnt flow or fit. You can simplify this down still get your meaning across and make it flow better.

IE: Beware of Regnants, the visions and hints of the future granted to us serve only their own purposes. (Just an example how you could clear it up)

Supplications, when answered, are neither selfless nor correct, unless suited to a higher design. Patience is a vice these Deities have in endless abundance, impatience a virtue collectively lacking in their makeup.

Are they entirely backwards deities that Patience is now considered a vice and impatience is a virtue? Don't like the sentence for that reason alone.

What chance has a mortal, even one with the ability to be long-lived?
Their replies are answers to questions not asked, their responses different to the initiating invocations: Dust is offered when the desire is grain, drought is sent in reply for rain.
Their recipe is silence to those who point out differences to a forecast event, making such desolate truths, whilst mirages of their own forecasts, seem as human failings. For when Regnants dance, it is on the yoke of mortal effort and misery.

LIke i said if you want to keep it divide it up over several chapters in one or two sentence quotes under chapter title or number, but please don't keep as intro as a whole it really is too dry.

The sun hung at noon as two men waited in a valley, by an outcrop of cultivated plants. Their eyes were on a village, which stood at the mouth of the valley on a slight knoll. .

An outcrop is almost exclusively rock formations. Word usage here is incorrect. "The sun hung at noon" sounds like you are trying too hard. I'd rather you went overboard wtih it here or simplified it.

ie The harsh noon sun, broiled the two men in the valley (I know but it was so much fun to do it) or just simply "it was noon" Though now that I think of it are you going to have time references be the same. Noon sounds very modern. What about the word Midday.

A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed

These two lines are a very close paraphrase to one of the Jordan intros where the wind sweeps around.I'll have to dig out my books and look for it to quote direct.

One of the men, mounted on a grey horse, was honey skinned, with piercing green eyes, and had the lean muscular physique of a gladiator or academy graduate

. I think you'd be better served to personalize this now. Give us his name instead of "one of the men" or simply don't say it because we know we are focusing on these two. To me an academy graduates body is very different from a gladiator, couldnt be more different. Not sure what you have your students doing but I'm sure its not as rigorous as being a gladiator, nor as scarring.

In the prolonged silence, he held his tongue, trying not to look in his Mentor’s direction. He shook his head, in a mark of disguised frustration, preferring to talk than do nothing, but many seasons of erudition, had thought him the value of silence.

Reword this whole paragraph, repeat of words, wrong usage of erudition (makes no sense to use in the context that you do use it in) I doubt if he had the extensive knowledge of an erudite scholar that he would have a mentor still. Also shaking your head isnt really disguising your frustration. He bit his tongue to try to hide his frustration perhaps, thus explained the silence as well.

“It is time,” The other said. The man was not mounted, but was a towering figure. His body lay buried under dark flowing robes, his head under a cowl, which not only seemed inappropriate for the year but of more import, the location.

I know your trying to be mysterious hon but honestly this just doesnt work for me. I love descriptions, absolutely adore them but you only get one chance to make this impression why are you throwing so much of it at us? The description just doesnt fit in with the commentary in this situation. It's only succeeding in slowing this down. Give us a little description when you introduce the two men don't do it in between their dialogue to such extent.

“What should I do?” the mounted man asked. He wore light cotton trousers, which matched his open jacket. Below that, he wore a thin undershirt of the sort native to these parts and a pair of sandals. Covering his head was a scarf and behind it the protruding hilt of a backsword.

You really have a love of the backsword apparently even though it is a secondary weapon for cavalry originally hehe. This can generate a great deal of interest but you are not flowing right in your scene. You go from description to dialogue and back again and don't really give us anything personal to identify them. Way too much description here tone it down, definately not the right spot.
In the village above, a loud howl echoed.

“Deal with the howlers. I shall face the kin alone.”
”Why bother?”
”Why not indulge yourself and use them as practice?”
”Alright.”
”Go slowly; I will follow in your wake.”
“Is all this subterfuge necessary?”
“Narcodon,” the hooded fellow began, sarcasm dripping with every word, “if I marched in as you think, my quarry would be long gone. I have been on the empty side of many a pursuit for too long not to know. Without you and my precautions it is doubtful I could get this close.”
”I haven’t noticed your precautions.”

This is better but it is a little confusing whom is speaking at beginning.

It is an alright draft needs quite a bit of cleaning up for me.

 

[emburmak]

I do not want to get into an argument with anybody, but seriously this critique is terrible. Did I offend you in someway? If so I apologise.

The excerpt part of your critique is out of place because, if you had taken the time to read the previous critiques, you would have seen I had said I acted on it. Calling me 'hon' and 'dear' when you do not know me is disappointing and I can only regard such comments as irksome. Let me do my best to reply to your comments devoid of rancour.


As a whole this paragraph slows down your introduction too much. I'm sure you've seen writers do a quote or a two sentence wording into chapter.

Then we get a little more background as story progresses yet we're not bored reading it in very beginning because it is extremely dry dear.





IE: Beware of Regnants, the visions and hints of the future granted to us serve only their own purposes. (Just an example how you could clear it up)



Are they entirely backwards deities that Patience is now considered a vice and impatience is a virtue? Don't like the sentence for that reason alone.


>It is an ancient religious text, put out in a sort of poem. You cannot expect it to be contemtorary, as cursory glance at say, the King James will show.


Like i said if you want to keep it divide it up over several chapters in one or two sentence quotes under chapter title or number, but please don't keep as intro as a whole it really is too dry.

>I cannot divide it up as I have already stated. It is part of the structure of the book. I can however push it back to another chapter.


An outcrop is almost exclusively rock formations. Word usage here is incorrect. "The sun hung at noon" sounds like you are trying too hard. I'd rather you went overboard wtih it here or simplified it.




>No it is not. An outcrop of plants are those on a bump that is on a different elevation from the surrounding crops but small enough not to be a knoll etc.



ie The harsh noon sun, broiled the two men in the valley (I know but it was so much fun to do it) or just simply "it was noon"


>Again you are incorrect, I can assure you. The Sun, especially closer to the equater seems to 'hang' when at noon. It was the way those of my grand-father's time and before could say accurately when it was noon. The scene is close to the equater.


Though now that I think of it are you going to have time references be the same. Noon sounds very modern. What about the word Midday.


>What sort of disinformation is this?

Noon is far older than midday which itself is a contraction. Noon originates from latin while midday is recent in comparision.

These two lines are a very close paraphrase to one of the Jordan intros where the wind sweeps around.I'll have to dig out my books and look for it to quote direct.


>Your insinuation is disturbing. I can tell eaxctly where I got it. Panzer Operations, Memior of General Raus, 1941-1945, page 140. The original phrase goes--A cold wind blew through the monotonous brown steppe, driving before it innumerable balls of tumbleweed. Mine goes--A cool wind blew across the simmering road leading up to it, driving before it numerous balls of tumbleweed.



>That is not plargism. I do not read Jordan as I find his stories not to my taste. So please can we put that insinuation to bed.


I think you'd be better served to personalize this now. Give us his name instead of "one of the men" or simply don't say it because we know we are focusing on these two.


>I have commented on this before but let me say it again-- it is my style. I hate books where a characther is named and then I spend the next few pages trying to virtualise how this person looks. I have always prefered to 'see' a characther then know the name and so I try to translate that mannerism in my writing.


To me an academy graduates body is very different from a gladiator, couldnt be more different. Not sure what you have your students doing but I'm sure its not as rigorous as being a gladiator, nor as scarring.


>As one who went through the walls of a military academy I find what you are saying ignorant to say the least. West point, Sandhurst, these are all military academies. Physical training is hard and tough akin the gladiators. Marin used the gladiators techniques to improve the Roman army.

Reword this whole paragraph, repeat of words, wrong usage of erudition (makes no sense to use in the context that you do use it in) I doubt if he had the extensive knowledge of an erudite scholar that he would have a mentor still. Also shaking your head isnt really disguising your frustration.


>Goodness me! Personally, when I shake my head it is to disguise frustration as those who know can me attest. It is the primary 'nervous habit' of the characther. Erudition is learning which the mentee has been doing. Narcodon is not a novice but qualified in his prosfession. But he needs one-to-one improvment with an immortal. E.g. Tiger woods is the world's best golfer, yet he has a trainer, same as R Federer. Now imagine his trainer to be thousands of years old. No matter how talented or skilled Tiger is , he still has a lot to learn under this personage.


I know your trying to be mysterious hon but honestly this just doesnt work for me. I love descriptions, absolutely adore them but you only get one chance to make this impression why are you throwing so much of it at us? The description just doesnt fit in with the commentary in this situation. It's only succeeding in slowing this down. Give us a little description when you introduce the two men don't do it in between their dialogue to such extent.


>The extended description is to give a reader an unconsicuous idea that while Narcodon arrived there naturally, (horse, sandals etc) his Mentor (mountless, thick robe)did not. Those are all part of the hints embeded in the piece. And if you noticed, little is said about the other except his height and vaguely his wear. Also this 'other' can change his appearance so giving what might be a transient description is not right.



You really have a love of the backsword apparently even though it is a secondary weapon for cavalry originally hehe. This can generate a great deal of interest but you are not flowing right in your scene. You go from description to dialogue and back again and don't really give us anything personal to identify them. Way too much description here tone it down, definately not the right spot.



> I can only put this down to ignorance. The backsword throughout history has had its uses, but being a secondary arm for calvary is not one of them.It is in fact a sabre and I freely adapted the word as a sort of katana perculiar to my world.



In the village above, a loud howl echoed.
This is better but it is a little confusing whom is speaking at beginning.


>You have only 650 words of a prologue that is over 7,000 words long; it should be confusing. In case you missed it, I asked for critiques in both structure and grammatical areas. I did not ask for your re-interpretation of my verbiage. The excerpt is much too short for that.


It is an alright draft needs quite a bit of cleaning up for me.


>Your comments are to be honest disspointing. Critiques are what are required not 'put downs' and baseless insinuations. You apparently did not read the previous comments posted days ago. You resort to attcking words and institutions you seem ignorant about. Your comments like 'he he', 'hon' come across as if you are mocking me.



Let me conclude with what I said at the beginning, if I have in anyway offended you, I apologise, but what you have posted above is neither a constructive nor a well thought-out critique.

 

[Keri]

I'm not mocking you whatsoever and you honestly are not taking critique very well. Hon, dear is how I speak, thus it does come out in my typing. I can only tell you what I think, I'm sorry you believe it a lousy critique it was meant to be constructive that you can build upon but you dont seem to take anyones critiques well.
I tell it how it is and I'm honest in my feedback. I liked the piece but it needs work. You have to take all feedback with a grain of salt and as I stated previously if more then one person agrees then you have to look at it as a problem and needing to be omitted or redone.

I have nothing against anyone here. I read it and if I like it I give my input on how to improve it. If you take exception to it there is nothing really I can do except I'm sorry you took exception.

 

[Keri]

Reference.com/Encyclopedia/Backsword
backsword

Yes backsword is used for dueling now but here are a few sites, stating the origin of it if you don't believe me.