Lured (chapter of Sapphire Tyrs)-Critique please

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Keri

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Please critique the following any input would be appreciated, style, form, flow.

The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her, she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me little one they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”

“Call me D’eren and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.

Ciardha backed up further, frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after she mused.

She felt something hard and cold against her back, turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow with stately pine trees surrounding it.

D’eren was there wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time come with me now.”

Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.

“Forgive me; I thought it would be your brother coming.” and with those cryptic words D’eren pushed Ciardha into the entrance. She was falling, sliding rapidly down a tunnel of ice and snow. Frantically Ciardha tried to slow her descent there was nothing to grab hold of, all she could do was try to brace her arms and legs on the slick sides. She landed hard; dazed it was several minutes before she could assess her situation.

Looking up the tunnel she’d just slid out of, it was clear she couldn’t climb back up without any type of gear. Shivering with the cold, she pulled the fur wrap tight around herself, trying to get warm. There was an eerie unnatural blue glow to the cavern she was in; she could see corridors to the side and what appeared to be a ledge in the front. Huddling on the cold floor, she pondered D’eren’s last words. “What trouble has Collin gotten me into this time” she muttered. Great not only did D’eren lure me into a trap but he also has me talking to myself Ciardha thought.

Getting up she moved slowly to the first corridor and peered in. A room had been sculpted out of the rock. It appeared to be some kind of sitting room or study there were elaborate tapestries on the walls with men riding creatures that appeared to be half horse and half fish. There was a gilded lamp on the desk made of elaborate shells and some translucent blue rock. Moving into the room she noticed everything was encased in a layer of ice. There was a door across the room behind the desk, moving to it Ciardha found it was frozen shut. Determined to go through as it might be the way out Ciardha threw herself against the door. With a loud crack of ice the door opened and Ciardha moved into the room, rubbing her shoulder lightly from the impact.

Beyond the doorway was a bedroom and by the bed stood D’eren. He was staring at her in horror and tears were on his pale cheeks. She strode across the room and raised her hand in anger when she noticed he hadn’t moved or blinked. Cautious now she suddenly gasped in shock “No by Yzeryn’s fires, what is going on here!” It appeared to be D’eren and he was frozen in the same ice that covered everything else. Pierced by that still emerald gaze, she had to get out go find help. She turned and fled the room as fast as she could.

Back in the cavern’s corridor she took several deep breaths and approached the ledge at the far side. She was on the edge of a steep cliff, overlooking one of the most gorgeous cities she’d ever seen. Through a window of one of the houses she could see the delicate tracing on a table in a pattern of blue and green sea waves with some sort of flower intertwined throughout it. She was in awe and slightly overwhelmed, still in shock from seeing D’eren she realized she shouldn’t be able to see the table from this distance. She noticed a path, carved deep into the rock twisting and turning its way down the treacherous slope. Determined to find a way out and to find some kind of help, she started down the trail.

Faster and faster she went down, and yet the city didn’t appear to be getting any closer. A chill blue mist was rising from the ground; it was obscuring her view of the city. The cold rocky stone of the path was hard under Ciardha’s delicate shoes, so when it changed and was suddenly smoother, she stopped. Looking down was what appeared to be some sort of surface made entirely of a pearlescent material; that reminded her of the inside of a seashell. Ciardha jumped hearing a mans voice suddenly call out “Come inside lady and look at my collection of adornments”

Ciardha looked at the man with some trepidation but stepped into a small shop.. His wares were beautiful, broaches, hair pieces, earrings and pins all delicately designed with swirling geometrics or depicting scenes of great beauty. Ciardha immediately noticed a pendant of a dragon wrapped around a queen of fairies her long hair draped and twisted around his great neck as he was wrapped around her so that they were one together. All in gold was the piece yet so delicate her eyes were immediately drawn to it. There were many other fine pieces of jewelry other fairies with there long hair draped around them and other dragons done in miniature perfection and intricate designs of mazes and dangling tear drop gems set from chains of gold. Then there were more mundane items like incense and burners.

So elaborate was the display, Ciardha realized she had forgotten her purpose. Turning away from the temptation, she went to ask the shopkeeper for help and he was gone. The pungent smell of incense suddenly wafted over her, vision blurring all she could see were a pair of bright green eyes in front of her. “D’eren?” she said hazily, and then she was falling.

Ciardha slowly awoke, “I was just dreaming” she said to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror was the gold pendant.
 

Commonmind

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Keri, I've pasted this into word to give it a good read and will add some suggestions as soon as I can.
 

Commonmind

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I'm gonna do this in blocks because it's a bit long and my crazy son is being quite the chore today.

The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her, she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me little one they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”

“Call me D’eren and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.

Edit: And I forgot, the sentence above reads better broken up as well. "Call me D'eren. And the question should be why, instead of what." He stated mysteriously.

I would probably rearrange a few sentences and break some others up. Example…



Ciardha stared at the creature walking toward her. The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. She couldn’t move. Her lungs hung still in her chest, failing to draw breath. Etc.
The arrangement seems to flow a bit better this way…


Also – “Never hide your eyes from me little one. (period) They are far too beautiful.”

And – He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now…. Sounds a bit stuck together, as if it should be extended and turned into two different sentences. He bent down towards her. For a moment she thought he might kiss her. – going into her thoughts at the end of a sentence that is more a third person point of view is a bit jarring.

And where Ciardha begins to speak for the first time, after the creature finishes his dialogue, make that into a new paragraph. Keeping dialogue from different people in the same paragraph only works really well when they are speaking at once or on top of one another. Example-

“We should be gone before they return,” Agus said, just as Marcus raised his voice, howling from atop his mount for all to hear, “We should wait for them to come back and run them through.”
 

chrispenycate

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Please critique the following any input would be appreciated, style, form, flow.

The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her,
semicolon
she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me
comma
little one
comma
they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like
no capital "E"
Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought
semicolon
he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”

“Call me D’eren
semicolon
and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.

Ciardha backed up further, frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after
comma
she mused.

She felt something hard and cold against her back
semicolon (or period)
, turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole
comma
it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow
comma
with stately pine trees surrounding it.

D’eren was there
comma
wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time
period
come with me now.”

Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes
I feel the "sometimes" should be at the beginning of this phrase, before the "she could", so we don't get the idea that some of the time we can see the mountains dirctly, sometimes between the branches
through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.

“Forgive me; I thought it would be your brother coming.” and with those cryptic words D’eren pushed Ciardha into the entrance. She was falling, sliding rapidly down a tunnel of ice and snow. Frantically Ciardha tried to slow her descent
either a "but" there or a semicolon
there was nothing to grab hold of, all she could do was try to brace her arms and legs on the slick sides. She landed hard; dazed
comma
it was several minutes before she could assess her situation.

Looking up the tunnel she’d just slid out of, it was clear she couldn’t climb back up without any type of gear. Shivering with the cold, she pulled the fur wrap tight around herself, trying to get warm. There was an eerie
comma
unnatural blue glow to the cavern she was in; she could see corridors to the side and what appeared to be a ledge in the front. Huddling on the cold floor, she pondered D’eren’s last words. “What trouble has Collin gotten me into this time” she muttered. Great
comma
not only did D’eren lure me into a trap but he also has me talking to myself Ciardha thought.

Getting up she moved slowly to the first corridor and peered in. A room had been sculpted out of the rock. It appeared to be some kind of sitting room or study
semicolon
there were elaborate tapestries on the walls with men riding creatures that appeared to be half horse and half fish. There was a gilded lamp on the desk made of elaborate shells and some translucent blue rock. Moving into the room she noticed everything was encased in a layer of ice. There was a door across the room behind the desk,
semicolon
moving to it Ciardha found it was frozen shut. Determined to go through
comma
as it might be the way out
comma
Ciardha threw herself against the door. With a loud crack of ice the door opened and Ciardha moved into the room, rubbing her shoulder lightly from the impact.

Beyond the doorway was a bedroom and by the bed stood D’eren. He was staring at her in horror and tears were on his pale cheeks. She strode across the room and raised her hand in anger when she noticed he hadn’t moved or blinked. Cautious now she suddenly gasped in shock “No
comma
by Yzeryn’s fires, what is going on here!” It appeared to be D’eren and he was frozen in the same ice that covered everything else. Pierced by that still emerald gaze, she had to get out go find help. She turned and fled the room as fast as she could.

Back in the cavern’s corridor she took several deep breaths and approached the ledge at the far side. She was on the edge of a steep cliff, overlooking one of the most gorgeous cities she’d ever seen. Through a window of one of the houses she could see the delicate tracing on a table in a pattern of blue and green sea waves with some sort of flower intertwined throughout it. She noticed a path, carved deep into the rock
comma
twisting and turning its way down the treacherous slope. Determined to find a way out and to find some kind of help, she started down the trail.

Faster and faster she went down, and yet the city didn’t appear to be getting any closer. A chill blue mist was rising from the ground; it was obscuring her view of the city. The cold rocky stone of the path was hard under Ciardha’s delicate shoes, so when it changed and was suddenly smoother, she stopped. Looking down was what appeared to be some sort of surface made entirely of a pearlescent
nacreous; oh well, we'll stick with yours, then
material; that reminded her of the inside of a seashell. Ciardha jumped
comma
hearing a mans
man's
voice suddenly call out “Come inside
comma
comma
and look at my collection of adornments”

Ciardha looked at the man with some trepidation
comma
but stepped into a small shop. His wares were beautiful, broaches,
brooches
hair pieces, earrings and pins all delicately designed with swirling geometrics or depicting scenes of great beauty. Ciardha immediately noticed a pendant of a dragon wrapped around a queen of fairies
comma
her long hair draped and twisted around his great neck as he was wrapped around her
comma
so that they were one together. All in gold was the piece
comma
yet so delicate her eyes were immediately drawn to it. There were many other fine pieces of jewelry
semicolon
other fairies with there
their
long hair draped around them and other dragons done in miniature perfection and intricate designs of mazes and dangling tear drop gems set from chains of gold.
too many "and"s?
Then there were more mundane items like incense and burners.

So elaborate was the display, Ciardha realized she had forgotten her purpose. Turning away from the temptation, she went to ask the shopkeeper for help and he was gone. The pungent smell of incense suddenly wafted over her, vision blurring
comma
all she could see were a pair of bright green eyes in front of her. “D’eren?” she said hazily, and then she was falling.

Ciardha slowly awoke, “I was just dreaming” she said to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror was the gold pendant.

I'm afraid punctuation is all I can really help with; the rhythm flows quite nicely and several of the images are extremely clear. In the sentence "She was in awe and slightly overwhelmed, still in shock from seeing D’eren she realized she shouldn’t be able to see the table from this distance." I'm not sure what the sense is, exactly, so I'm not sure of how to punctuate it; it's possible I'm completely wrong, But I'm certain it needs some punctuation.
 

Commonmind

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Ciardha backed up further, (just a nitpick here, maybe “backed away” sounds a bit better than “backed up”) frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after she mused.
Commas after “him” and “lust after” in that last sentence would break it up, making it flow better.

She felt something hard and cold against her back, (period) turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow with stately pine trees surrounding it.
That first line could use some work. She felt something hard and cold against her back. Turning, she found herself backed into some kind of intricate pole.

Also – “Where am I?” she muttered, watching her breathe turn to clouds of mist in the air.

And (maybe) – Examining the pole she realized it was the corner post to a Gazebo unlike anything she’d ever seen before. Its roof a thousand snowflakes, its posts carved with tiny figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. The clearing surrounding it was perfectly round, encircled by stately pine trees, a light powdering of snow covering the ground.

D’eren was there (comma?) wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, (period) you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time (period) come with me now.”

Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; (no real use for the semicolon here) the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.
Suggestion- The trail had been descending rapidly, and here and there she caught glimpses of distant peaks through the limbering branches.

Again break where the new dialogue starts.

And – ..." said D’eren, and where before there had been nothing but trees suddenly the entrance to a cave appeared.
 

Commonmind

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Stop me if this isn't the type of critique you're looking for.
 

Keri

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Nov 15, 2006
Messages
108
Thanks guys appreciate the editing assistance always. I have to think about punctuation much more then I do actually getting the words on paper. Any input you have on style and flow is great also. I am trying to be more careful on tense also, as I do have a tendency to sometimes switch tenses midstream. This can be difficult for me to catch sometimes because it sounds correct to me.
 

Commonmind

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Messages
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Thanks guys appreciate the editing assistance always. I have to think about punctuation much more then I do actually getting the words on paper. Any input you have on style and flow is great also. I am trying to be more careful on tense also, as I do have a tendency to sometimes switch tenses midstream. This can be difficult for me to catch sometimes because it sounds correct to me.

The style and flow are great, despite any faults in grammar or punctuation; or tense for that matter. I won't add any more suggestions for editing as much of what I've already said could simply be applied elsewhere. I guess the biggest compliment I can pay you is that despite any flaws there may be in the writing I am curious and want to hear more of the story.
 

Asteraf

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Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
10
I can't really critique the story because chrispenycate and Commonmind seem to have found most if not all of the errors... so I'm just going to praise it... :p

I really like the names of the characters and the flow of the story. It has a very surreal aspect that I really enjoyed reading, both in the characters themselves and the seemingly strange twists the "dream" is taking. I must say: it was a very enjoyable read.
 

SpaceShip

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Sep 15, 2006
Messages
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Keri - I loved the story. I'll not add much about tenses and grammar (just the sentence I'm mentioning) as that has already been covered. My only addition would be the bit at the end. I was not sure where the pendant was. Perhaps something like

Ciardha awoke slowly, “I was just dreaming” she whispered to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror, gleaming around her throat, lay the gold pendant.
 

Talysia

Lady of Autumn
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Oct 26, 2006
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I enjoyed reading through this, Keri. You've got a good way of creating a very vivid world through your writing, and the style and flow is good. I have noticed that you have a good sense of how to use description without making it too flowery, too.

Well done!
 

emburmak

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Feb 5, 2007
Messages
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I'll not say anything about tenses and grammar as that has already been covered. Em

The sunset bathed him in incandescent light, giving his limbs and hair a rosy translucence. Ciardha stared at the creature walking towards her, she couldn’t move, forgot to breathe. She looked down, breaking the spell. Gentle long fingers grazed lightly down her cheek and slowly tilted her gaze up again. “Never hide your eyes from me little one they are far too beautiful.” Ciardha flushed at his words, amazed that he thought her eyes beautiful, when his were like Emeralds. He bent down towards her, and she thought he’ll kiss me now. A vision of his pale limbs entwined with hers deepened the blush on her face, and she stumbled back from him hurriedly. “If I’d known I would have this affect on you little one, I would have brought you here a century earlier” he said. Ciardha stammered “Who….what are you?”

“Call me D’eren and the question should be why, instead of what.” He stated mysteriously.

>good piece. I take it he is man of some sort? I think it would be better to indicate so. A juevenile will lack the sophistication to be attracted to a creature. Even the word 'creature' conjures up mishappen, monsters etc.

Ciardha backed up further, frantically trying to organize her thoughts. D’eren reminded her of a master’s work of art, which she’d seen once in Sacria. The more you looked at him the more you found something else to admire or lust after she mused.
She felt something hard and cold against her back, turning she found she’d backed up into some kind of intricate pole. “Where am I?” she muttered as she watched her breathe cloud up in the air. Looking at the pole it was the corner post to a Gazebo like nothing she’d ever seen before. The roof was thousands of snowflakes and the posts were carved with tiny pale figures and symbols that blurred and changed the more she tried to focus on them. It was in a perfectly round clearing, the ground outside the gazebo lightly powdered with snow with stately pine trees surrounding it.


>How is this possible? It is obvious she did not see this summerhouse's roof before pressing against the pole. I take it she is shorter than the roof? How then can she see all the intricate stuff or have you shifted back to omni?

D’eren was there wrapping her in some type of white fur that was incredibly soft and warm. She suddenly found it wasn’t just the fur that enclosed her, but his arms as well. Before she could say anything he spoke “Again you ask the wrong question, you should be asking why you are here. We don’t have much time come with me now.”


>Where is the pole in all this? Or her fear?

Bemused she let him guide her out of the clearing. They followed a path through the woods, always turning left when it split. She gathered her courage on the long walk through the pines; the air was crisp and cold. The trail had been descending rapidly, and she could catch glimpses of distant peaks sometimes through the heavy branches. “Why am I here” Ciardha said. “We need your help little one. Let me show you” said D’eren and where there had been nothing but trees suddenly there was a cave entrance.



>How tall is she vis D'errn? I ask this because perhaps 'young one' would be better than 'little one' which conjours up images that are not good. Eg-an adolescent girl or pre, admiring/lusting after a much older man is not pleasing to the eye. An adult sized girl/woman fits the bill nicely.

“Forgive me; I thought it would be your brother coming.” and with those cryptic words D’eren pushed Ciardha into the entrance. She was falling, sliding rapidly down a tunnel of ice and snow. Frantically Ciardha tried to slow her descent there was nothing to grab hold of, all she could do was try to brace her arms and legs on the slick sides. She landed hard; dazed it was several minutes before she could assess her situation.


>Just a suggestion, but replace 'minutes' with 'moments'. Or add 'fully' to 'situation'.

Looking up the tunnel she’d just slid out of, it was clear she couldn’t climb back up without any type of gear.



>This is fantasy, perhaps replacing 'gear' witha less 'modern' word will be less intrusive.

Getting up she moved slowly to the first corridor and peered in. A room had been sculpted out of the rock. It appeared to be some kind of sitting room or study there were elaborate tapestries on the walls with men riding creatures that appeared to be half horse and half fish. There was a gilded lamp on the desk made of elaborate shells and some translucent blue rock. Moving into the room she noticed everything was encased in a layer of ice.


>Sorry but if everything is encased in ice, how can she know the room had been sculpted?


There was a door across the room behind the desk, moving to it Ciardha found it was frozen shut. Determined to go through as it might be the way out Ciardha threw herself against the door. With a loud crack of ice the door opened and Ciardha moved into the room, rubbing her shoulder lightly from the impact.


>I have had the oppotunity to shoulder charge quite a few doors in my time. One encased in ice will certainly merit more than a light rub.She needs an implement.

Beyond the doorway was a bedroom and by the bed stood D’eren. He was staring at her in horror and tears were on his pale cheeks. She strode across the room and raised her hand in anger when she noticed he hadn’t moved or blinked. Cautious now she suddenly gasped in shock “No by Yzeryn’s fires, what is going on here!” It appeared to be D’eren and he was frozen in the same ice that covered everything else. Pierced by that still emerald gaze, she had to get out go find help. She turned and fled the room as fast as she could.



>This is deep, the atmosphere realistic, but could you end the sentence at room?.

Back in the cavern’s corridor she took several deep breaths and approached the ledge at the far side. She was on the edge of a steep cliff, overlooking one of the most gorgeous cities she’d ever seen. Through a window of one of the houses she could see the delicate tracing on a table in a pattern of blue and green sea waves with some sort of flower intertwined throughout it. She was in awe and slightly overwhelmed, still in shock from seeing D’eren she realized she shouldn’t be able to see the table from this distance. She noticed a path, carved deep into the rock twisting and turning its way down the treacherous slope. Determined to find a way out and to find some kind of help, she started down the trail.



>Good, but could you instill some fear into her? I do not know the angle of the gradient but going faster and faster down hill is a sure fire way to injury. Her delicate shoes will certainly assit in such an injury.

The cold rocky stone of the path was hard under Ciardha’s delicate shoes, so when it changed and was suddenly smoother, she stopped.



>I would have thought, she would see the change long before she felt it through her shoes.



Ciardha looked at the man with some trepidation but stepped into a small shop.. His wares were beautiful, broaches, hair pieces, earrings and pins all delicately designed with swirling geometrics or depicting scenes of great beauty. Ciardha immediately noticed a pendant of a dragon wrapped around a queen of fairies her long hair draped and twisted around his great neck as he was wrapped around her so that they were one together. All in gold was the piece yet so delicate her eyes were immediately drawn to it. There were many other fine pieces of jewelry other fairies with there long hair draped around them and other dragons done in miniature perfection and intricate designs of mazes and dangling tear drop gems set from chains of gold. Then there were more mundane items like incense and burners.



>This is well done, but you failed to give us a description of the shopkeeeper. Does that seem credible for somebody who has just had a harrowing experience?

So elaborate was the display, Ciardha realized she had forgotten her purpose. Turning away from the temptation, she went to ask the shopkeeper for help and he was gone. The pungent smell of incense suddenly wafted over her, vision blurring all she could see were a pair of bright green eyes in front of her. “D’eren?” she said hazily, and then she was falling.
Ciardha slowly awoke, “I was just dreaming” she said to herself. Getting up out of the bed she went to wash her face in the basin and in her reflection in the mirror was the gold pendant.


>A very good piece. Some comments. I think you need to put in more emotional intensity into the piece. She should be scared out of her wits from the moment she is pushed into the hole. See if you put in a crowbar or something to make the door opening scene believeable. As I said earlier going downhill with incresing speed is a recipe for disaster.

At the end, I noticed she is dreaming, which knocks out the 'pungent smell of incense' comment. Although not generally known one of the least things we do in dreams is smell independent things. Can you actually remember when you actually smelt something in a dream that was independent of your immediate surroundings?

As to your private question, imply Ciardha as a more mature charcther by substituting 'little one' with 'young one'. It expands your workable horizons (eg later romantic setting) without it seeming like a case of child-abuse. The piece has great potential, needing just some minor polishing and then will work as a great hook in the opening.You have been a wonderful help in improving my writting, I hope I can offer you the same.:)
 

Keri

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Nov 15, 2006
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108
She isn't really having a dream. I equate it with how the gods of old played with mortals minds and bodies and pulled them into situations and then at their whim placed them back or in another locale altogether. I believe I'm going to change the locale at the end to where she starts in what is my current first chapter as this is more of a hook entrance for that piece I currently have.

Very good point with little one and yes she is a young adult.

Thanks very much for the critique Em and thanks Tal for the kind words

You've given me some new direction in this about where I can touch it up. The reason why I didn't give a description of shopkeeper is I wanted her focus immediately drawn to the goods to the exclusion of all else, and focusing on him even briefly seemed like it gave him some importance and detracted from that focal point. I'll play around with it a little see if I can come up with something that gives a minimal description yet shows shes immediately overwhelmed by the merchandise.
 

Keri

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108
I'm still really debating on whether I should have this as an opening hook or have it a little later midstream. As it starts the foretelling on where the main plot is going. I'm debating on keeping my characters innocent of it awhile longer to build tension or foreshadowing it right away.
 

Phil Brown

Writes as Wyken Seagrave
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Feb 25, 2007
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More chapters and background at http://www.timecry
I think the relationship between Ciardha and D'eren seemed convincing and the arc of the chapter carried me along. I wasn't sure why Ciardha was angry at him. Was it just because he hadn't moved or was it because he had pushed her down the tunnel? I thought landing at the bottom of the tunnel lacked adequate description: we need to know why she wasn't seriously injured.
If this is a chapter in the middle of a story then I'm not sure what the reader's question is: what is worrying the reader at this point?
The dream sequence is OK but I'm not sure how it moves the plot forward.
Generally a good piece of writing.
 
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