An unnamed fiction/fantasy

[ScooBjames]

As the sun rose on the small camp. The 4 occupants were already up and taking the camp apart. The 4 people all appeared to be elves, 3 of them were males while one was a female. While they packed the camp one of the male elves walked up to the female. He bowed before speaking.

"Lady Cailove, we are ready to depart." said the soldier.

"Thank you, we should depart right away we must get to the town of Tor`nom with haste" stated Cailove looking around.

They packed the campsite onto the horses and leapt on. They quickly began to ride off to the north of where there campsite was. They rode through the forest. Cailove gripped a small pouch that was at her waist to make sure it was still there. In her other had she gripped a staff that had several different symbols carved into it. the Elven Knight riding infront of her was weilding a large lance. While the two behind her had long swords with large sheilds.


Meanwhile in another camp further north of the camp with the elves rested a large group. A large creature seemed to appear out of nowhere in the camp. It walked over to the center of the campsite and sniffed the air. He caught the scent of something coming. It sniffed again and again. A grin of pure evil came across it's face. It lumbered over to the sleeping creatures and kicked them. The creatures rose and the first one leapt up onto a small rocky outcrop.

"I have discovered what we have been ordered to find." grumbled the creature in a demonic voice.

"So then let's move out" said one of the creatures in an odd voice.

The 14 sleeping creatures were of the Orc race. Their leader stepped out of the shadows that concealed him. It was apparent that it was of a Demonic background but of what Demonic species wasn't known at this time. The Orcs quickly packed up the camp and destroyed any trace of there camp. They set up an ambush in the clearing where there camp once was. The 14 Orcs hide in the brush along with the Demon.


After two hours of riding the elves were near the clearing where the Orcs once were. The Demon sniffed the air and smelled the elves even stronger then before. The Elves rode into the south side of the clearing.

"Knights, i feel uneasy about this place" said Cailove.

The Knights looked at her and nodded they began to speed up. Just as they were nearing the path out of the clearing in the north two Orcs stepped out and blocked there way. Both Orcs weilded Great Axes in there hand and a sheild strapped over there other arms forearm. Cailove looked at the Orcs and realized what was going on.

"It's an ambush!!!" yelled Cailove.

The 12 other Orcs stepped out of hiding and glared at the 4 elves. The Knight Elves formed a protective barricade around Cailove. Two of the Orcs charged forward. The Elves with the Longswords blocked there way. With ease the Elves avoided the attacks from the foul beasts and slayed them. This time four Orcs charged out. The first one lunged for a longsword elf. It blocked a swing from the sword and tackled the elf to the ground. The elf managed to block most of the brute with his sheild. The elf tumbled to the ground while a second Orc jumped into the air. It's Great Axe came crashing down splitting the Elf's sheild and skull in one swift blow. The other 2 Orcs lumbered towards the second longsword weilding elf. This time the brutes fell to the sword of the elf with ease.

"Lady Cailove, RUN!" yelled the longsword elf turning towards Cailove.

Before he could turn back around another Orc was on top of him. The Great Axe sliced the elf in half at the waist. Both parts of the elf fell to the ground and laid there moitionless. Cailove's eyes began to fill with tears but she turned to the lance weilding Elf and nodded. The Lance Elf rode towards where the 2 Orcs were blocking the path with Cailove behind him. He quickly put his lance through both of their skulls killing them. As he rode through the previous blocked pathway one of the Orcs pulled a bow and fired an arrow. The arrow peirced the elf's skull killing him. He did his job though. Cailove rode past his body and into the woods. The Demon leaped from his hiding spot and began to grumble.

"AFTER HER!" roared the Demon.

The remaining Orcs lumbered into the forest after her. She had turned off the normal path and was riding through the woods dodging tree limbs. The Demon took a huge leap into the woods. The beast landed infront of where Cailove was riding. She stopped the horse short and reached for the pouch on her waist.

"GIVE ME THAT POUCH NOW!" demanded the Demon.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" yelled Cailove.

"That can be arranged" said the Demon with a grin.

The Demon glared at Cailove and began to mumble something under his breath. He lifted his right hand and pointed it at Cailove. Suddenly a stream of fire errupted out of the Demon's hand but Cailove saw it coming and blocked it with a stream of fire of her own. The Demon growled as the fire was being pushed back towards him. He added his left hand into his strem fo fire. Sadly it did very little, the streams of fire overtook him. Cailove began to relax a little but the flames suddenly were shot outward. She blocked any flames from hitting herself with her staff.

"Your going to have to try harder then that to defeat me" mocked Cailove.

"Trust me that was nothing" said the Demon with a sick grin on its face.

The Demon lunged for Cailove with its right claw ready to strike. Cailove blocked the claw with her staff but the left claw came up. This time she was hit in the mid-section hard. She stumbled dropping her staff gasping for air. The Demon smirked and glared down at the poor defenseless elf. He grabbed her by the ehad and lifted her off the ground.

"Pathetic little thing, you shall die here and now" stated the Demon coldly.

The sides of his mouth flared with flames. He aimed towards the Elf's head. Then he opened his mouth and let loose a large stream of flames. The flames struck Cailove and she screamed in agony. She fell to the ground below twitching burnt to a crisp. With the last of her energy she gripped the pouch in her hand and began to chant some words.

"Seaneires Paneak Olokul!" yelled Cailove.

The stone became increasingly bright. The light blinded the Demon for a moment. When the Demon looked down the pouch had dissappeared. It was enraged when the Orcs arrived at the scene. It glared down and mumbled something and Cailov'es body burnt into ashes. The Demon walked past the Orcs and mumbled something in its rage. The Orcs burst into flames and were reduced to a pile of ashes within minutes.

"That little filth....Great now i gotta search out that stone once again!!!" roared the Demon in anger.

It disappeared into the forest. The area in which the battle had taken place suddenly burst into flames. Everything was burned into ashes to remove all trace of the Elves, Cailove, the Orcs, and the Demon itself.

----------------------------

Sorry it's a little long for the first part lol. Also if anyone can answer one question of mine:
What is a way of breaking a story from one viewpoint to another viewpoint (like from 1 group of people at location A, to another group of people at location B)?

 

[HoopyFrood]

I'm not a usual critique-r (they'll be more experienced people coming a long soon enough to do that!) but when I was reading through this, one question refused to go away...have you, by any chance, read Eragon?

 

[Commonmind]

There are several ways to do a break, namely it involves making the break obvious to the reader. In most novels this is done by a large space between text (as is used in most Robert Jordan books) or with the use of asterisks, the norm being 3 to 5 and centered in the middle of your page. You’ll see this in other works but in a more stylized manner, sometimes a symbol or a simple graphic that implies a break.

As for your writing, there are quite a few grammatical errors, too many for me to really point out without spending an adequate amount of time making corrections. A few words of advice I can give you: when you’re using numbers in your text, write them out, as in four instead of (4), etc. Also, reread your dialogue and description and make sure your characters aren’t being redundant and that your description isn’t repeating itself, that seemed to occur quite a bit.

"Lady Cailove, we are ready to depart." said the soldier.

"Thank you, we should depart right away we must get to the town of Tor`nom with haste" stated Cailove looking around.

You sort of gave the impression that person A was simply telling her that preparations she had asked to be made had been met, or that something had been done that she expected to be. As if she had ordered them to leave to begin with or was simply waiting for the inevitable. Having her repeat it back to him seemed as if barking an order that was not really necessary. Something you could have done differently with the text:

"Lady Cailove, we are ready to depart." said the soldier.

"Thank you (add his name here, it would be a good place to introduce it). I suspect the men are well rested and ready for a hard ride?” He nodded, turning to take in the other soldiers as she continued, “I hope to be in Tor`nom before sundown. Let’s hope haste carries us there no slower.” Cailove looked doubtful.

Use description later to explain it is a town. Also don’t have the characters telling each other where they are going or what they are doing unless they are newly added to the situation and require to be brought up to speed on their particular circumstances. When it can be assumed that characters know each other and their own plights well enough to understand or know their destination already saying “we must go to the town of…” comes off as a bit… clunky, is the best way I can put it. As long as you've done a good job of explaining the story through the narration, you don't really need to have the characters giving mundane explanations in their dialogue. Also add a bit more mood to the dialogue by breaking it up, describing what the characters are doing or what’s going on around them.

 

[ScooBjames]

er.....no, should i have?

 

[HoopyFrood]

er.....no, should i have?

That's to me? Well, anyway, it's just that it follows the prologue of Eragon quite closely...have a look over it if you ever get the chance, you'll be susprised by the similarties!

 

[ScooBjames]

ok guess i did that on mistake....

but i could still use a some critques since i'm fairly new at writing stories

 

[Commonmind]

ok guess i did that on mistake....

but i could still use a some critques since i'm fairly new at writing stories

I gave you some. I'll try and do some more when I have the time, sorry.

 

[ScooBjames]

theres no rush, i realized that i'm probably making a lot of mistakes when i typed it.

 

[Irishlad]

I'll try to give you an idea of what is jumping out at me, overall.

"GIVE ME THAT POUCH NOW!" demanded the Demon.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" yelled Cailove.

I don't think you need the caps as your tags are already indicating a rise in volume of the character's voice.

"Your going to have to try harder then that to defeat me" mocked Cailove.

"Trust me that was nothing" said the Demon with a sick grin on its face.

You should qualify some of your dialogue from the front. It keeps the reader working to follow the story (and interested). Such as:

The Demon, with a sick grin on its face said, "Trust me that was nothing."

The Demon lunged for Cailove with its right claw ready to strike. Cailove blocked the claw with her staff but the left claw came up.

Watch for repetition and excess use. You can achieve the same effect if you take out the 2nd "the claw".

"Pathetic little thing, you shall die here and now" stated the Demon coldly.

"Stated" is probably not used well here - it sounds forced- and throughout you are missing quite a few commas, i.e. "...stated the demon, coldly.

The story is pretty good though, nice action!
Hope this helps.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

As the sun rose on the small camp. The 4 occupants were already up and taking the camp apart. The 4 people all appeared to be elves, 3 of them were males while one was a female. While they packed the camp one of the male elves walked up to the female. He bowed before speaking.

"Lady Cailove, we are ready to depart." said the soldier.

"Thank you, we should depart right away we must get to the town of Tor`nom with haste" stated Cailove

comma; and the previous "with haste" just means "in a hurry". "in all haste", perchance?

looking around.

They packed the campsite

They didn't pack the site, but the gear (quibble, I know, but the picture it gave me did not enhance the seriousness of the situation

onto the horses and leapt on. They quickly began to ride off to the north of where there campsite was. They rode through the forest. Cailove gripped a small pouch that was at her waist to make sure it was still there. In her other had

hand

she gripped a staff that had several different symbols carved into it. the Elven Knight riding infront of her was weilding a large lance

Capital "T" at the beginning, "in front" is two words, he wouldn't be "wielding" a lance, merely carrying it, no full stop before the "while" and "shields"

. While the two behind her had long swords with large sheilds.


Meanwhile in another camp further north of the camp with the elves rested a large group. A large creature seemed to appear out of nowhere in the camp. It walked over to the center of the campsite and sniffed the air. He caught the scent of something coming. It sniffed again and again. A grin of pure evil came across it's face. It lumbered over to the sleeping creatures and kicked them. The creatures rose and the first one leapt up onto a small rocky outcrop.

too much repetition. "Camp", "creature" and "large".(I always find the word "large too lukewarm for this kind of scene, anyway) The "he" that smelt something coming - the creature? Because it's "it" for the rest of the paragraph. "across its face"; no apostrophe for the possesive of "it"

"I have discovered what we have been ordered to find." grumbled the creature in a demonic voice.

"So then

comma; and "an odd voice" relative to what?

let's move out" said one of the creatures in an odd voice.

The 14 sleeping creatures were of the Orc race. Their leader stepped out of the shadows that

had; and not many of the creatures were still asleep

concealed him. It was apparent that it was of a Demonic background but of what Demonic species wasn't known at this time. The Orcs quickly packed up the camp and destroyed any trace of there camp. They set up an ambush in the clearing where there camp once was. The 14 Orcs hide in the brush along with the Demon.

repetition, particularly of species (but "camp" again) "Their camp", not "there", and "hid" not "hide"

After two hours of riding the elves were near the clearing where the Orcs once

had been?

were. The Demon sniffed the air and smelled the elves even stronger then

than

before. The Elves rode into the south side of the clearing.

"Knights, i feel uneasy about this place" said Cailove.

The Knights looked at her and nodded

full stop

they began to speed up. Just as they were nearing the path out of the clearing in the north two Orcs stepped out and blocked there

their

way. Both Orcs weilded

wielded

Great Axes in there hand

their hands

and a sheild strapped over there other arms forearm

shield strapped over their other arms' forearm; but it's still clumsy, Perhaps you should have started "Each wielded a great axe…" Still, a heavy battleaxe requires two hands most of the time, which makes the efficacity of the shield questionable (and, strapped to the forearb, it would only be a buckler anyway, which I find a bit sissy for an Orc

. Cailove looked at the Orcs and realized what was going on.

"It's an ambush!!!" yelled Cailove.

The 12 other Orcs stepped out of hiding and glared at the 4 elves. The Knight Elves formed a protective barricade around Cailove. Two of the Orcs charged forward. The Elves with the Longswords blocked there

their

way. With ease the Elves avoided the attacks from the foul beasts and slayed

slew

them. This time four Orcs charged out. The first one lunged for a longsword elf. It blocked a swing from the sword and tackled the elf to the ground. The elf managed to block most of the brute with his sheild. The elf tumbled to the ground while a second Orc jumped into the air. It's Great Axe came crashing down

No apostrophe for "Its great axe", comma after "down"

splitting the Elf's sheild and skull in one swift blow. The other 2 Orcs lumbered towards the second longsword weilding elf. This time the brutes fell to the sword of the elf with ease.

"I" before "E" except after "C". Oh, excuse me. "Wield" and "shield"

"Lady Cailove, RUN!" yelled the longsword elf turning towards Cailove.

Before he could turn back around

comma

another Orc was on top of him. The Great Axe sliced the elf in half at the waist. Both parts of the elf fell to the ground and laid there moitionless.

motionless

Cailove's eyes began to fill with tears but she turned to the lance weilding Elf and nodded. The Lance Elf rode towards where the 2 Orcs were blocking the path

comma

with Cailove behind him. He quickly put his lance through both of their skulls

comma

killing them. As he rode through the previous blocked pathway one of the Orcs pulled a bow and fired an arrow. The arrow peirced the elf's skull killing him. He did

had done

his job though. Cailove rode past his body and into the woods. The Demon leaped from his hiding spot and began to grumble.

"AFTER HER!" roared the Demon.

The remaining Orcs lumbered into the forest after her. She had turned off the normal path and was riding through the woods

comma

dodging tree limbs. The Demon took a huge leap into the woods. The beast landed infront

in front; and the pouch is more "at her waist" than on it

of where Cailove was riding. She stopped the horse short and reached for the pouch on her waist.

"GIVE ME THAT POUCH NOW!" demanded the Demon.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" yelled Cailove.

"That can be arranged" said the Demon with a grin.

The Demon glared at Cailove and began to mumble something under his breath. He lifted his right hand and pointed it at Cailove. Suddenly a stream of fire errupted out of the Demon's hand

comma

but Cailove saw it coming and blocked it with a stream of fire of her own. The Demon growled as the fire was being pushed back towards him. He added his left hand into his strem fo

stream of

fire. Sadly

sadly for whom?

it did very little, the streams of fire overtook him. Cailove began to relax a little but the flames suddenly were shot outward. She blocked any flames from hitting herself with her staff.

"Your going to have to try harder then that to defeat me" mocked Cailove.

"Trust me

comma

that was nothing" said the Demon with a sick grin on its face.

"sick grin" doesn't strike me as right, for a Demon

The Demon lunged for Cailove with its right claw ready to strike. Cailove blocked the claw with her staff but the left claw came up. This time she was hit in the mid-section hard. She stumbled

comma

dropping her staff

comma

gasping for air. The Demon smirked and glared down at the poor defenseless elf. He grabbed her by the ehad

I assume that's "head"?

and lifted her off the ground.

"Pathetic little thing, you shall die here and now" stated the Demon coldly.

The sides of his mouth flared with flames. He aimed towards the Elf's head. Then he opened his mouth and let loose a large stream of flames. The flames struck Cailove and she screamed in agony. She fell to the ground below

comma

twitching

comma

burnt to a crisp. With the last of her energy she gripped the pouch in her hand and began to chant some words.

"Seaneires Paneak Olokul!" yelled Cailove.

The stone became increasingly bright. The light blinded the Demon for a moment. When the Demon looked down the pouch had dissappeared

disappeared. And "the stone". Which stone (yes, the one in the pouch. But we haven't seen it till now, and the fact that the brightness traversed the pouch (or perhaps the pouch was burnt) An antiterrorist aicraft pouch, perhaps? Still, you repeat descriptions of otherthings, that we can be expected to know about, while this um "passes in a flash"

. It was enraged when the Orcs arrived at the scene. It glared down and mumbled something and Cailov'es

Calliove's

body burnt into ashes. The Demon walked past the Orcs and mumbled something in its rage. The Orcs burst into flames and were reduced to a pile of ashes within minutes.

"That little filth....Great now i gotta search out that stone once again!!!" roared the Demon in anger.

multiple exclamation marks; to be used sparingly, if at all. I do not feel this poit merits such overkill

It disappeared into the forest. The area in which the battle had taken place suddenly burst into flames. Everything was burned into ashes to remove all trace of the Elves, Cailove, the Orcs, and the Demon itself.

----------------------------

Sorry it's a little long for the first part lol. Also if anyone can answer one question of mine:
What is a way of breaking a story from one viewpoint to another viewpoint (like from 1 group of people at location A, to another group of people at location B)?

While in general short sentences enhance action, several times here they force you to repeat chunks; and repetition is a serious problem in this piece. Not that you shouldn't repeat words (although English is a sufficiently flexible language that synonyms exist for almost anything) but that it should be done deliberately, to accentuate something (which isn't the case here)
I've marked a couple of phrases in blue; I feel these could come out without being missed, and there are a few others, too.

 

[Pyan]

I don't usually post in this thread, as I don't really feel qualified to critique/comment on other peoples creations, but you've hit one of my pet hates here - the use of numerals, (4 occupants, 2 Orcs, 14 sleeping creatures) in narrative. To me, this always chops into the smooth flow of the words, as if I've just driven over a speed bump, and it is really no great extra effort to spell out the numbers and smooth out the flow.
Just a small thing, but it always gets my back up.
Mind you, it's not as bad as the book I once read,(title and author, alas, long forgotten) where the distances had been originally written in Imperial measure, and some fool of an editor had added the metric equivalent after each one, as in

He bent the bow and loosed the arrow. It was a mighty shot, falling to earth over a hundred yards, or ninety-two meters away.

You try reading phrases like that over a 500-page novel!