Schanke's Really Weird Friday the 13th


MN Sci-fi Fan
Jun 3, 2001
Schanke's Really Weird Friday the 13th

October 13, 2000

Reponse to "Full Moon/Friday the 13th" Fic Challenge. Don't remember who originally posted it, but there was apparently a full moon on October 13, which was probably also a Friday. It's been so long I don't remember the actual challenge anymore, but I'm sure the challenge was to write about something weird happening. Well, when you have a werewolf character, there's just no resisting that sort of challenge. :D

I eventually did a madlib program for this fic in the C programming language one time when I was really bored last year. If anyone wants it, I may still have it lurking in the dark corners of my web site or on a disk somewhere.

By Emily M. Hanson

* * * * *

Schanke was getting ready to go to work when the phone rang. Recognizing the number, he picked it up immediately.

"Hello, Elliott."

"Whatever you do, don't go in to work tonight. Call in sick, take vacation time, use whatever excuse you have to. Just stay home," the werewolf pack leader said ominously.

"What? Why?"

"You know there's a full moon tonight, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

"It's also Friday the 13th. I'm warning you, stay home."

"I'm not suspicious."

"No? You might change your mind."

"Look, I gotta go to work. Jenny's college fund isn't exactly full up yet, and we have bills to pay. I can't just stay home because of a full moon."

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you."


Don stared at the phone. What could possibly be so bad about a full moon on Friday the 13th? He shook his head in disbelief and left for work.

Tracy looked up from a stack of paperwork as Schanke walked in.

Don sat down at his desk and noticed the clock had stopped at midnight and was blinking. "Did the power go out?"

"Yeah, for a couple of minutes. Just long enough for us to reset all the clocks. Oh, and there's a virus alert," Tracy replied.

Schanke nodded. Immediately after turning on his computer, he got a flashing screen with an animated cartoon character wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw. HA HA HA HA HA IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH scrolled across the screen in big red letters and the theme from the horror movie played loudly in the background. Don sighed and called the help desk. Assured that someone was already looking into the problem, Schanke hung up and got started on a stack of paperwork that had been neglected for several days.

About ten minutes later, Nick strolled in, looking cool as usual in his black leather jacket and sunglasses. He got the same virus screen. Knight rolled his eyes and leaned back, pushing the power button. The annoying Friday the 13th display went black.

"Weren't computers supposed to make our lives easier?" Nick remarked.

"Yeah," Schanke answered. "I'd give anything for a typewriter about now."

The vampire nodded. "We got along perfectly fine without computers 800 years ago. Now look how dependent we are on those things. You can't get half a day's worth of work done without a computer anymore."

In response, Schanke handed him half the stack of paperwork he was doing. "Here, partner. Enjoy."

Nick grudgingly took the paperwork and sat down.

About five minutes later, Don realized his arms were starting to itch. Looking up, he saw the full moon rising.

(Insert Monolith theme from 2001 here.)

Fur was sprouting all over the werewolf, but it wasn't the normal dark brown color. It was (gasp!) neon green. There were purple spots, too. Horrified, Schanke ran to the nearest men's room. He was shape-shifting and he looked like a werewolf, except for the psychedelic colored fur. This couldn't be happening to him! It had to be a dream!

Don pinched himself and yelped. He was green and purple and furry and very much wide-awake.

Suddenly, Knight heard Schanke yell "Nooooo!" The vampire dropped his pen and ran into the restroom. Leaping to the wrong conclusion, Nick demanded, "Who are you and what have you done with Don Schanke?"

The furry green and purple werewolf in front of Nick answered, "Knight . . . it's me."

"Yeah, right. What planet are you from? Mars? Vulcan? Alderaan? I don't care where you're from. I just want the truth." Nick's voice took on a very hypnotic tone. (thump thump) "You will tell me where Schanke is. You will tell me now."

"I'm right here!" Don yelled, frustrated. "What do I have to do to get through that thick blonde head of yours? Remember a few years back when we had that serial murder case? Huh? You were in the confessional pretending to be that priest, Father Swiss or Cheddar or whatever his name was . . ."

"Rochefort," Nick supplied.

"Yeah, and I confessed and the name of the lady I was interested in was Alma. Remember that? Now that I think about it, I bet she was really a vampire."

"You could have read Schanke's mind."

"Nick, you bonehead, it's me. Before I left for work, I got a weird call from Elliott. He tried to warn me about this, but I didn't listen. I didn't think anything bad was going to happen. If I'd really thought that I was going to turn green, I wouldn't have come to work. You gotta believe me."

"That's really you, Schank?" Nick asked, amazed.


Knight burst into laughter. "Sorry. Can't help it," he apologized as he wiped away blood tears. "You're not going to stay in here all night, are you?"

"I just might do that."

"Schanke, there's too much work to be done."

"I'm seriously considering staying in here," the furry green werewolf replied.

"Oh, come on. People will understand, it's not your fault . . ."

Schanke growled. "I am not going out there."

Nick wondered how he was going to convince his partner to go out. There had to be something he could use. Then, an idea sprung to mind.

"I'll be right back."

Knight flew out of the restroom, grabbed his phone, and dialed. "Myra? This is Nick. How fast can you make souvlaki? Or do you know where to pick some up?"

"I thought you couldn't eat garlic," Myra answered.

"It's not for me, it's for Don. He's having a bad day you know, with it being Friday the 13th and the full moon."

"I'll send some right over."


About ten minutes later, the smell of garlic-filled food reached Schanke's nose. Enticed and intrigued by the aroma, he headed out of the restroom and into the office. Myra, Reese, Tracy, and Natalie stood around a big crock-pot full of souvlaki. Their eyes looked about ready to pop out. Myra gaped. Nick looked up from his stack of paperwork. Schanke gaped for a second, then started to laugh.

"You know me too well, Knight," Don said. "Did you call Myra?"

The vampire nodded. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, it worked. I'll do anything for souvlaki."

"Donny?" Myra said incredulously.

"Yeah, hon?" Schanke replied.

"You're green and furry and purple."

"I know." The werewolf took a deep breath. "It's Friday the 13th. I guess I should have expected something like this."

"Sweetie, eat your souvlaki before it gets cold," Myra answered, giving her furry husband a quick kiss on the cheek. "Just think, it could always be worse."

"That's true, I could have turned into a pink bunny rabbit or a purple dinosaur or something."


Natalie grinned. "Don, just be glad it's not permanent."

Helping himself to a big helping of souvlaki, Schanke sat down. Myra sat next to him. Suddenly, the phone rang.

"Captain Schanke, Toronto PD."

"It's me," Elliott said. He sounded like he was in furry mode too. "Did you change yet?"


"What color fur do you have?"

"Green and purple."

"You're lucky. I'm pink."

Schanke burst into laughter and cupped the end of the phone. "You're right, Myra. It could have been worse. Much worse. Oh, man."

Elliott said, "Don't say I didn't warn you." There was a long silence. "I hear this only happens once every hundred years or so, not every Friday the 13th."

"Thanks. That's good to know. Why does it happen?"

"Legend has it that a very long time ago, one of us lost a bet with a dragon."


"Yeah. Anyway, uh, happy full moon. I gotta go, midterms are on Monday and I'm trying to study."

"Good luck." Schanke hung up. "As weird as this night has been, I gotta hand it to you, Knight. Getting my wife to bring souvlaki was one of your better ideas."

"Just don't breathe on me," Nick answered.

* * * * *

The End

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