Critique: Quantum God - The Prologue

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What does that say? I know no German at all, absolutly none.

I actually like First Person a lot- it's interesting showing a character to be stupid or idiotic or flawed in any way through the way they think. Although I quite like using a fairly objective outsider in Third Person.

I should think the verb usage is pretty much the same, although watch out for participles.

There is a lot of Latin in French and English, I've found. So even if I haven't learnt my vocab I can normally get 3 at least out of 10 because of words that are similar. As long as they aren't q's or u's- I have some kind of mental block against remembering those.
 
Basically, it's My language is better than yours.
Or rather, Mitt språk er bedre enn ditt!

This is my first attempt at writing first-person narrative, actually, so far I quite like it, though it is limiting on sub-plots. It does enable you to paint a far more vivid image of the main character, though, so its shortcomings I've forgiven as it's very suited for what I have in mind for Quantum God
 
I've used it a few times, although I need to switch between points of view for my current short story, so I'm using third person.

Why am I here? I should be finishing the second warfare essay..... I've decided to use the battle of LittleBighorn as a case study, because no one survived it.
 
By reference to verb tense it was merely that I've seen the passive voice warned against in Third Person. In a way I was asking aloud if anyone knew how tense usage needs to be applied in First Person voice, if different.
 
Little Big Horn? Wasn't that Custer and his lot taking on 2,000 indians?

I'll find out soon enough, Brian. Reading Card's Characters and Viewpoint now - he's bound to mention it.
 
Yes. I had to watch loads of videos on it for GCSE history, so I might as well use it now.

Enjoying your book?
 
Hmm this is dredging my memory but I belive one of Custer's captain's survived; presumably with some other troops. Very vague memory, but I'll ask me Grandad (who knows everything) tomorrow:)

And I gather passive voice is seen as weaker than active in general, with exceptions occuring in third person, thus probably in first.
 
I like it very much, Hypes.

Hmm . . . although the point of view may need work, the fact that the baby isn't human might explain his apparently adult thought process. On the other hand, If it were written retrospectively, you might still need an indication of memory power.

I simply don't know, of course, having only the prologue to peruse. I have no idea what kind of abilities the character's undefined species might have. Of course, it isn't necessary for the reader to know this at this point--that's just why my response is vague.

I think the work provides some good description and the character development has me enthralled.

Sentence structure isn't bad, I think. It flows rather well for my taste, with short sentences interspersed with longer ones, but I would have to agree with some of the points already made (so I won't repeat them--you're likely already working on it). I have the same tendency--lots of awkward or unnecessary phrases that need weeding out.

Like I told a friend, I learned to write by reading stuff like LOTR, so I had lots of long sentences with big words. Now I prefer the more contemporary style with easier to read sentences. You can imagine how much work I've already done and still need to do editing!
 
Thank you. The first few paragraphs of the second chapter is posted here in the thread, if you look around page 2.

I know the point of view is a bit on the edge, but the story will not work from any other point of view. You'll have it explained at a later stage, during a reverie with his surrogate father, which should settle your doubts.

I have incorporated all the changes brought to my attention so far, and added some of my own polish, so I feel that it works pretty well. I'd appreciate it if you could bring forth more views on the sentence structure and such.

Thanks again.
 
I'll review again soon, so I can give more definitive replies. Otherwise, I personally think the POV works.
 
Michael said:
I'll review again soon, so I can give more definitive replies. Otherwise, I personally think the POV works.
Click to expand...

Good. I'm glad; it's the only way I can portray Moses well enough. It is a very character-centric story, and 3rd person in whatever form is just too distant.
 
Okay. What I meant before about sentence structure is that I thought you have it down pretty well. The story flows nicely because of this. Hmm. That's what I said, isn't it?

The sentence structure is varied. You're not using the same structure for several sentences in a chain, etc. That's one of things I have to watch out for in my own work.

How far have you progressed with this, Hypes? It's definitely something I would read. Now that I've read your prologue, I'm looking forard to seeing on the shelves.
 
::grins

Thank you for the ego boost, Michael.

The storyline itself hasn't progressed much father than the second chapter, though I have done considerable amounts of planning, and so forth.

I am taking a short break now, to write a short story, but I should get back on it soon enough.

On the shelves . . . hmm. Wistful thinking. ;)
 
I've saved it for later. I'll read it tonight and let you know what I think tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it :)
 
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