Um, this is a little fragment about Valerian, it might be part of a longer story about him if I ever write it. I don't really want a peoper crit on it as I haven't edited it myself. I only really have one major question- Valerian is supposed to be older than Alcibiades, but does he seem younger?
* * *
He felt like he wanted to cry. He slammed the front door behind him, and rushed into his room, trying to hold back the hotness behind his eyes, but Alcibiades was there, kissing a girl. They were sitting on Valerian’s bed, and making vaguely unpleasant sloppy sounds with their mouths. The girl scrambled up and brushed out her hair, but Alcibiades just laughed.
“Get out.” Valerian said. He stood in the doorway. The hotness behind his eyes had changed now, to something sharp and stabbing, and he looked at the girl and thought, not another girl! He didn’t recognise this one: she was small and fair-haired, pretty, of course. She probably thought Alcibiades was in love with her.
“Had a bad day?” Alcibiades asked, trying to pull the girl over to his own bed, but she was gathering up her handbag from the floor.
The hotness behind Valerian’s eyes seemed to become too great. He flung himself over to Alcibiades, grabbed him by the arm and wrenched him over to the door, then pushed him through. He smelt a silly, flowery aftershave on Alcibiades, and noticed he had an earring: a hanging gold hoop in his left ear. Alcibiades was angry now, too, and tried to push his way through again, but the girl was swearing and trying to get past Valerian. He jerked out of the way irritably.
“Friebnat, Pyrrhus! What the hell are you doing?” Alcibiades began, his voice getting shriller.
“I’m going home” The girl said, suddenly, her shrill voice raising above theirs. “You didn’t tell me you had a lunatic brother.”
“No- he doesn’t usually tell people about me. I’m a total lunatic, of course- I’m the sort of lunatic who murders people who I find kissing on my bed!”
The girl ran and the heard the front door close behind her, but Alcibiades hit Valerian anyway, on the ear. Valerian, who was slightly taller, hit him back, and the hotness behind his eyes seemed to rise again, agony now, and Alcibiades and the door frame and the peeling green wall paper with pink roses on all swirled together into a horrible mass of colour and movement. There was a sharp jerk. Valerian stumbled, and everything was still again, but the carpet was on fire and Alcibiades was knocked out on the floor. He smelt chemicals and burning.
“Help!” he shouted, but then realised this was cowardly of him, and he glared at the fire. “Go out! Out! Go away!” he snapped, as commandingly as he could. He wasn’t terribly surprised when it all receded into a tiny yellow flame, flared up for a moment, and sunk away. Valerian let out his breath and sighed. There was a pile of ashes at his feet and a terrible smell, and Alcibiades was just beginning to groan. Valerian knelt down beside him, and searched his wrist for his pulse, but as he was looking and not being very successful Alcibiades sat up, pushing him away weakly. They stared at each other: there really was nothing to say, because Valerian knew as well as he did what had happened. He gave Alcibiades a hand up, breathing through his mouth because of the stench of aftershave and smouldering carpet, and helped him into their room again. Alcibiades sat down with a thump on his worn bed this time, and Valerian slowly pushed the window open. He leaned out, and inhaled the fumes and sounds of the street. He rather suspected it would be the last time he would do so.
“I always knew it would happen to one of us,” he said.
“You’re a freibnatting idiot, Pyrrhus!” Alcibiades’ said, a little hoarsely.
“Don’t call me Pyrrhus.”
“It’s your name, isn’t it? For wevc’s sake I know, I know it was father’s name too-“
“Shut up about him. I’m thinking” Valerian snapped, crossly. If he could get out of Valmeris before his mother got home and called the police then he might have a chance.
“What’s there to think about? You’re a demon, and you need to pack, now!” Alcibiades said, dragging himself off the bed and limping over to Valerian’s wardrobe. Valerian managed not to flinch at the word demon. He pushed Alcibiades aside, dragged some spare clothes out of the wardrobe, and stuffed them into his leather bag. He took a few books off the shelf, too, and his writing materials. Then there was nothing else to do except to leave.
“Goodbye.” He said, but Alcibiades grabbed his wrist.
“Oh, Pyrrhus! I’m sorry about Celly and all that, but it would have happened anyway. At least you’ve got a chance to get away. You ought to go into Kyonia and join the army or something, but be careful getting out of Valmeris”
Valerian wondered whether he should apologise too, but he did not quite like to somehow.
“Goodbye” he said again, stiffly, the teary hotness back again. “Sorry, Al. You’ll have to tell mother the truth. Goodbye. I don’t suppose I’ll see you again.” Before Alcibiades and he could start crying like babies he sprinted out of the room, and out of the front door, into the heat and noise and confusion of the street again.
* * *
Sorry it's so bad... I've only just written it and it is nearly midnight!
* * *
He felt like he wanted to cry. He slammed the front door behind him, and rushed into his room, trying to hold back the hotness behind his eyes, but Alcibiades was there, kissing a girl. They were sitting on Valerian’s bed, and making vaguely unpleasant sloppy sounds with their mouths. The girl scrambled up and brushed out her hair, but Alcibiades just laughed.
“Get out.” Valerian said. He stood in the doorway. The hotness behind his eyes had changed now, to something sharp and stabbing, and he looked at the girl and thought, not another girl! He didn’t recognise this one: she was small and fair-haired, pretty, of course. She probably thought Alcibiades was in love with her.
“Had a bad day?” Alcibiades asked, trying to pull the girl over to his own bed, but she was gathering up her handbag from the floor.
The hotness behind Valerian’s eyes seemed to become too great. He flung himself over to Alcibiades, grabbed him by the arm and wrenched him over to the door, then pushed him through. He smelt a silly, flowery aftershave on Alcibiades, and noticed he had an earring: a hanging gold hoop in his left ear. Alcibiades was angry now, too, and tried to push his way through again, but the girl was swearing and trying to get past Valerian. He jerked out of the way irritably.
“Friebnat, Pyrrhus! What the hell are you doing?” Alcibiades began, his voice getting shriller.
“I’m going home” The girl said, suddenly, her shrill voice raising above theirs. “You didn’t tell me you had a lunatic brother.”
“No- he doesn’t usually tell people about me. I’m a total lunatic, of course- I’m the sort of lunatic who murders people who I find kissing on my bed!”
The girl ran and the heard the front door close behind her, but Alcibiades hit Valerian anyway, on the ear. Valerian, who was slightly taller, hit him back, and the hotness behind his eyes seemed to rise again, agony now, and Alcibiades and the door frame and the peeling green wall paper with pink roses on all swirled together into a horrible mass of colour and movement. There was a sharp jerk. Valerian stumbled, and everything was still again, but the carpet was on fire and Alcibiades was knocked out on the floor. He smelt chemicals and burning.
“Help!” he shouted, but then realised this was cowardly of him, and he glared at the fire. “Go out! Out! Go away!” he snapped, as commandingly as he could. He wasn’t terribly surprised when it all receded into a tiny yellow flame, flared up for a moment, and sunk away. Valerian let out his breath and sighed. There was a pile of ashes at his feet and a terrible smell, and Alcibiades was just beginning to groan. Valerian knelt down beside him, and searched his wrist for his pulse, but as he was looking and not being very successful Alcibiades sat up, pushing him away weakly. They stared at each other: there really was nothing to say, because Valerian knew as well as he did what had happened. He gave Alcibiades a hand up, breathing through his mouth because of the stench of aftershave and smouldering carpet, and helped him into their room again. Alcibiades sat down with a thump on his worn bed this time, and Valerian slowly pushed the window open. He leaned out, and inhaled the fumes and sounds of the street. He rather suspected it would be the last time he would do so.
“I always knew it would happen to one of us,” he said.
“You’re a freibnatting idiot, Pyrrhus!” Alcibiades’ said, a little hoarsely.
“Don’t call me Pyrrhus.”
“It’s your name, isn’t it? For wevc’s sake I know, I know it was father’s name too-“
“Shut up about him. I’m thinking” Valerian snapped, crossly. If he could get out of Valmeris before his mother got home and called the police then he might have a chance.
“What’s there to think about? You’re a demon, and you need to pack, now!” Alcibiades said, dragging himself off the bed and limping over to Valerian’s wardrobe. Valerian managed not to flinch at the word demon. He pushed Alcibiades aside, dragged some spare clothes out of the wardrobe, and stuffed them into his leather bag. He took a few books off the shelf, too, and his writing materials. Then there was nothing else to do except to leave.
“Goodbye.” He said, but Alcibiades grabbed his wrist.
“Oh, Pyrrhus! I’m sorry about Celly and all that, but it would have happened anyway. At least you’ve got a chance to get away. You ought to go into Kyonia and join the army or something, but be careful getting out of Valmeris”
Valerian wondered whether he should apologise too, but he did not quite like to somehow.
“Goodbye” he said again, stiffly, the teary hotness back again. “Sorry, Al. You’ll have to tell mother the truth. Goodbye. I don’t suppose I’ll see you again.” Before Alcibiades and he could start crying like babies he sprinted out of the room, and out of the front door, into the heat and noise and confusion of the street again.
* * *
Sorry it's so bad... I've only just written it and it is nearly midnight!
. You caught me by surprise
