Pandæmonium
Ancient
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2001
- Messages
- 1,772
I found these. I know who he is, and he's quite funny also. Enjoy!
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
>The other one says "so are you, you fat bas***d"
>
>Two cannibals eating a clown.
>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
>other was eating fireworks.
>They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
>He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
>Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
>'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,'
>Says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
>
>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
>'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone juststares at you. But you do the same thing
>on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
>put it in a library.'
>I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
>And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
>chucking money to him.
>I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
>
>"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
>a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
>
>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice."
>
>"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
>He said Hundreds & thousands?'
>I said 'We'll start with one.'
>He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
>I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
>
>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
>He said 'To camp?',
>I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
>I said 'I also Want to buy a caravan.'
>He said 'Camper?'
>I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
>
>So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
>He said "My dog's died."
>
>"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
>The one I was in went back and forwards.
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
>And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
>
>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
>speaking please?'
>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
>So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
>baths?'
>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>It's either my mum or my dad.
>Or my older brother Colin.
>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>But I think it's Colin."
>
>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
>said 'You've been promoted.'
>And I swerved.
>And then he rang up second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
>And I swerved again.
>He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>And I went into a tree.
>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
>And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
>
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
>The other one says "so are you, you fat bas***d"
>
>Two cannibals eating a clown.
>One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
>Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
>other was eating fireworks.
>They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
>A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
>He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
>Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
>'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,'
>Says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
>
>"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
>'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone juststares at you. But you do the same thing
>on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
>"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
>put it in a library.'
>I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
>And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
>chucking money to him.
>I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
>
>"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
>a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
>
>"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice."
>
>"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
>He said Hundreds & thousands?'
>I said 'We'll start with one.'
>He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
>I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
>
>I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
>He said 'To camp?',
>I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
>I said 'I also Want to buy a caravan.'
>He said 'Camper?'
>I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
>
>So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?"
>He said "My dog's died."
>
>"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
>The one I was in went back and forwards.
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
>And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
>
>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
>speaking please?'
>And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
>So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
>baths?'
>He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
>"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
>He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
>"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>It's either my mum or my dad.
>Or my older brother Colin.
>Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>But I think it's Colin."
>
>"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
>said 'You've been promoted.'
>And I swerved.
>And then he rang up second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
>And I swerved again.
>He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
>And I went into a tree.
>And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
>And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
>
