violetann
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2006
- Messages
- 30
please crit on what you think of it and any spelling and grammour if you have time:
"
After about half an hour of treading through the sewers they came to a large tunnel with a canal with another pipe submerged under dark brown water with steps leading down into the water. He stopped for a second.
“You better catch your breath here... there won’t be much air where were going for a while” he proclaimed to her taking off a large water proof leather sack from his back.
“Going where? What do you mean not much air where were going?” she questioned looking around for another none submerged exit.
He proceeded to take out some thick long strips of leather and two round battered cup like shaped leather with straps either end.
“Where do you think? To a nice candle lit supper with some aristocrats?” sarcastically he replied as he started to take off his shoes, cloak and shirt and place them in the bag.
“Wait you don’t expect ME... to go into that do you?” Alinys replied with discussed at the thought of that dirty faeces infested water. She couldn’t even see the bottom of it. Though if she could Alinys didn’t think it would consol her much. Perish the thought of what’s down there.
“If you take off your dress and put it in this bag it won’t get dirty” inconsolably as he finished folding them up into the sack.
“Don’t be discussing you pervert! I would not remove my clothing in front of any man!” Alinys asserted folding her arms attempting to maintain some of her dignified air even in a place like this.
“Fine, let it get dirty. I don’t care. Don’t blame me when you stink.” Rolling his eyes and flinging the bag on his back.
He passed her one of the battered and worn leather strips and leather bowls. “Here take these. Place the strip over your eyes and the cup tightly over your mouth and nose. It’ll stop the sewer water from getting into your eyes and blinding you. The other will stop it from getting in your mouth and nose so you don’t drink or get any in your lungs. Unless there not fitting enough for you. I’m sorry there not silken and diamond encrusted.” He criticized as he placed the cup over his mouth and tied it around the back of his head over his thick short brown hair.
Alinys did not speak. She for once felt a little embarrassed for presuming wrong. She normally had lots of suitors proclaiming there love for her but here this was all nothing. Perhaps, what the servant girl’s had gossiped about, when they thought she could not hear them was true: ‘did you hear?’ one would say
‘Hear what about those new suitors for Miss Alinys?’
‘Yeah! It was a right laugh to watch them prance, though ya heard em after joking about what they was gonna do after the marriage. How they hoped it would put em up to the next in line for council jobs and such’
‘Oh yeah I forgot about that. No wonder she has so many, although I wouldn’t like to have to live with her though even if it is a great job... I’ll be glad when she does go off and marry. No more of her phoney help the poor balls and such... She really gets on my nerves at times. If she really cared she’d give us more pay for a start or help out old Peterson and his wife... ya know when he got sick they didn’t even help and pay him the money for the medicine.. Five gold it was for it... five gold I’ve see some of her stupid poem which cost more than that!’
‘Shhhh… quiet down ya don’t want to annoy them... It is kind of sad though. It seams the only true love she gets is from those notes.’ those comments now echoed through her mind. She thought they were just jealous and greedy. She use to think they paid them well they must be just greedy. Those servants don’t understand love.
She placed the cup over her nose and lips and tied it behind her long jet black hair. Then placed the long piece of warn out leather slowly over her dark hazel eyes. After he had also secured the leather over his eyes he grabbed her hand and walked down the steps guiding her into the cold thick stagnant water.
As she walked clutching hands she felt the slimy thick water touch her feet. She could even feel parts of unmentionable things touch her pampered soft smooth creamy skin. As they walked further and further into this waste she struggled more and more to wade through it. The smell... the smell of it all was horrendous worse then the rest of the sewer.
By the time her other arm reached the wall she could no longer reach the bottom of the canal. The vile slimy water was pressing down on to her chest... She wanted to be sick but she couldn’t, if she was the cup would fill up and what little air in there would go. They stopped at the wall near the submerged pipe.
“Get any air you need. We’re going to go under. What ever you do don’t stop swimming and hold on to me. Are you ready?” He spoke very seriously to her this time.
“Yes” regrettably Alinys replied. She wished she didn’t have to go under it. The stench and the feeling of being in this filth turned her stomach.
They swam under and the deep slimy water consumed them as they swam into the pipe in the stone sewer wall. She clung on to him as hard as she could as she swam with one hand and held the cup on to her face with the other. Oh please don’t let this cup fall off she thought. It was the only thing stopping the dirty sewer water from flooding over her mouth and up into her nose. They swam following the twists and terns of the pipe in there blind struggle. The water seamed to get thicker and thicker and the path longer and longer as there thirst for the sweet taste of life giving air got worse and worse. She felt like she was going to drown in this sludge. Alinys struggled away searching for air. As she struggled to the top of the pipe finding there was no air or way out she clawed and kicked all around her, like an animal trapped in a cage. He grabbed her and forced her to continue. Alinys struggled and strained to get a way from him. Forgetting all he had said to her. She needed air she needed it desperately. But he kept a strong hold of her they were almost out.
Just as they reached the end of the pipe she broke free. Her head pierced through the thick film of the water and she ripped off the leather cup from her ooze covered face, to gasp a breath of air. He rose to the surface too and pulled back the leather cup from his mouth. He swam over to her and held her in his arms as she gasped for air. They slowly swam over to the stone bricked embankment and pulled themselves up on to it.
"
"
After about half an hour of treading through the sewers they came to a large tunnel with a canal with another pipe submerged under dark brown water with steps leading down into the water. He stopped for a second.
“You better catch your breath here... there won’t be much air where were going for a while” he proclaimed to her taking off a large water proof leather sack from his back.
“Going where? What do you mean not much air where were going?” she questioned looking around for another none submerged exit.
He proceeded to take out some thick long strips of leather and two round battered cup like shaped leather with straps either end.
“Where do you think? To a nice candle lit supper with some aristocrats?” sarcastically he replied as he started to take off his shoes, cloak and shirt and place them in the bag.
“Wait you don’t expect ME... to go into that do you?” Alinys replied with discussed at the thought of that dirty faeces infested water. She couldn’t even see the bottom of it. Though if she could Alinys didn’t think it would consol her much. Perish the thought of what’s down there.
“If you take off your dress and put it in this bag it won’t get dirty” inconsolably as he finished folding them up into the sack.
“Don’t be discussing you pervert! I would not remove my clothing in front of any man!” Alinys asserted folding her arms attempting to maintain some of her dignified air even in a place like this.
“Fine, let it get dirty. I don’t care. Don’t blame me when you stink.” Rolling his eyes and flinging the bag on his back.
He passed her one of the battered and worn leather strips and leather bowls. “Here take these. Place the strip over your eyes and the cup tightly over your mouth and nose. It’ll stop the sewer water from getting into your eyes and blinding you. The other will stop it from getting in your mouth and nose so you don’t drink or get any in your lungs. Unless there not fitting enough for you. I’m sorry there not silken and diamond encrusted.” He criticized as he placed the cup over his mouth and tied it around the back of his head over his thick short brown hair.
Alinys did not speak. She for once felt a little embarrassed for presuming wrong. She normally had lots of suitors proclaiming there love for her but here this was all nothing. Perhaps, what the servant girl’s had gossiped about, when they thought she could not hear them was true: ‘did you hear?’ one would say
‘Hear what about those new suitors for Miss Alinys?’
‘Yeah! It was a right laugh to watch them prance, though ya heard em after joking about what they was gonna do after the marriage. How they hoped it would put em up to the next in line for council jobs and such’
‘Oh yeah I forgot about that. No wonder she has so many, although I wouldn’t like to have to live with her though even if it is a great job... I’ll be glad when she does go off and marry. No more of her phoney help the poor balls and such... She really gets on my nerves at times. If she really cared she’d give us more pay for a start or help out old Peterson and his wife... ya know when he got sick they didn’t even help and pay him the money for the medicine.. Five gold it was for it... five gold I’ve see some of her stupid poem which cost more than that!’
‘Shhhh… quiet down ya don’t want to annoy them... It is kind of sad though. It seams the only true love she gets is from those notes.’ those comments now echoed through her mind. She thought they were just jealous and greedy. She use to think they paid them well they must be just greedy. Those servants don’t understand love.
She placed the cup over her nose and lips and tied it behind her long jet black hair. Then placed the long piece of warn out leather slowly over her dark hazel eyes. After he had also secured the leather over his eyes he grabbed her hand and walked down the steps guiding her into the cold thick stagnant water.
As she walked clutching hands she felt the slimy thick water touch her feet. She could even feel parts of unmentionable things touch her pampered soft smooth creamy skin. As they walked further and further into this waste she struggled more and more to wade through it. The smell... the smell of it all was horrendous worse then the rest of the sewer.
By the time her other arm reached the wall she could no longer reach the bottom of the canal. The vile slimy water was pressing down on to her chest... She wanted to be sick but she couldn’t, if she was the cup would fill up and what little air in there would go. They stopped at the wall near the submerged pipe.
“Get any air you need. We’re going to go under. What ever you do don’t stop swimming and hold on to me. Are you ready?” He spoke very seriously to her this time.
“Yes” regrettably Alinys replied. She wished she didn’t have to go under it. The stench and the feeling of being in this filth turned her stomach.
They swam under and the deep slimy water consumed them as they swam into the pipe in the stone sewer wall. She clung on to him as hard as she could as she swam with one hand and held the cup on to her face with the other. Oh please don’t let this cup fall off she thought. It was the only thing stopping the dirty sewer water from flooding over her mouth and up into her nose. They swam following the twists and terns of the pipe in there blind struggle. The water seamed to get thicker and thicker and the path longer and longer as there thirst for the sweet taste of life giving air got worse and worse. She felt like she was going to drown in this sludge. Alinys struggled away searching for air. As she struggled to the top of the pipe finding there was no air or way out she clawed and kicked all around her, like an animal trapped in a cage. He grabbed her and forced her to continue. Alinys struggled and strained to get a way from him. Forgetting all he had said to her. She needed air she needed it desperately. But he kept a strong hold of her they were almost out.
Just as they reached the end of the pipe she broke free. Her head pierced through the thick film of the water and she ripped off the leather cup from her ooze covered face, to gasp a breath of air. He rose to the surface too and pulled back the leather cup from his mouth. He swam over to her and held her in his arms as she gasped for air. They slowly swam over to the stone bricked embankment and pulled themselves up on to it.
"
