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:oThanks for bringing that up I'll try and keep an eye out for that, I know I am probably one of the worst for grammical errors, I tend to look at my sentences more for how they sound and apply to the story then correct grammer, I guess I just don't 'see' the errors as someone more experienced...

Thank you to everyone that's helped me out. So far I've changed the first page (twice) and have been working at improving some of the horrible grammar. Anyone who's got the time let me know what you think about the new first page! http://eternalneverland.webs.com/

My character I guess "grew" into an antihero, progressively getting worse throughout the story, and I was incredibly mean to her, constantly throwing things at her that her selfish personality couldn't respond to in any kind of noble way. It became my goal to make her completely contemptable by...

Oh good, so I'm not the only one that read Twilight and found my mind going blank, only to suddenly begin filling with a great big "?". Less common was probably the banging my head against the wall and staring at my query letters wondering how much cash she slipped into her SAE.:rolleyes:

Thanks. I get where your coming from with all the suggestion and will apply them...but I'm still wodering, contant wise is it right for the intro page or should I look for scene with more action?

lol...no I suppose you're right, it is kinda silly. I don't hang around with alot of writers so all I know is when the people I do hang around with hear me say something like "Wow...this song is perfect for so and so" they usually look at me funny. It's nice to finally have found a place where...

That's how it works for me exactly. One piece I have is set in older times so I tend to lean to either silence or something classic with that...but for my urban fantasy's I try to get into my characters mindsets and very rarely are they somewhere really quiet, so I set myself up in a simular...

Ok Pyan, with the help of you excillent assistance I've gone over the errors and done my best to fix all the mistakes you pointed out (and realised that my futur editor will probably hate me) and here is the reivsed version. Also here is a link to the first page of my website for the book...I'm...

Good stuff! I'm clear about what's happening, and you've achieved that almost entirely by dialogue, which is difficult. :) Thank you so much for that...all your corrections made tons of sence and are things I can easily apply without changing what was happening in the scene. I'll get right to...

Ok I'll give the whole scene, though I know it probably (ok deffinately) has tons of errors...sentences running long, I've noticed that in my writing before and try to fix it but sometimes I look at the sentence and just don't really see how it can be re-worded, it's obviously something I need...

I'm going to check it out...alot of people have suggested classical of intrumental to me...but I find I get lost more in music that I can imagine almost playing in the background of a scene...closest Iever came t in instrumental was Requiem for A Dream. That is such a powerful song.

You are so right! Lots more remarks there, thanks. Here's the link fr anyone who wants to see anyway! |

Ok I was considering adding a few paragraphs from the book as suggesed...and I came up with a few. This perticular one I think is early enough i the book and gives a good idea of the way Kitt thinks...but I could be wrong. If not I'll try with a earlier exerpt but anyway here it is...please...

Thank you very much...your advise was very helpful and gives me several points to use when going over the most vital page of my website...which is why I so very desperately needed some sage advice. I was afraid last night that no one was really interested in giving me feedback I could use...but...

Maybe I misunderstood what was going on here...I understood constructive critisism would be given with maybe helpful advise, not vague condicending comments. Disjointed, perhaps...I was attempting to leave questions in the audiences minds...make them want to answer those questions but at very...

Funny I was under the understanding that critique here was to have some actual basis...do you care to share your reasoning or leave it stand so very vague:rolleyes:

Ok so I wanted to get some opinions on how I redid the first page of my website for my book..see if it draws people in to read more then the last intro...but since I still don't have enough post to add a link I decided to bring it here. Please any feedback will help!

I agree with the prior statement...three syllables vs one makes for quite a different sound, and besides that IDK if you noticed but many parents give their children names that either start with the same letter or rhym (not only for twins). If you're feeling the name and it flows well keep...

:p Ok but is that just makes you want to write or what you actually listen to while you write? There is some distinction ;)

Just a thought...is it not possible he is a recluse because he cares so deeply about everything that facing things in the world became overwhelming? Isolation may have been a way to avoid madness but when it becomes something that he can no longer avoid his vice becomes a virtue and his extreem...