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Thanks folks - yes it definitely needs a re-write. I haven't paid much attention to the first chapter (due to personal time contraints!) but will weed out the grammer errors and overly-descriptive parts soon! I'm trying not to make it a straight copy of LOTR, but we shall see how it develops...

This story is a bit older than the `Water of Life' excerpt that I posted a few weeks ago. It hasn't got a title yet, and represents my first attempt at `proper story writing'! Anyway, here is a chunk of Chapter 1: Theoric entered the tavern, wiping rain from his face and wringing it from his...

That's great - it gets better and better the further down you go! I love the dialogue in particular!

Actually, on a second read it probably DOESN'T need breaking down at all!

I really like the story so far, especially the little injection of humour. Seems like an intriguing start... Would it be worth breaking this sentence down a little maybe:

It's a great, absorbing read! I love the dialogue too

So, when I wrote: I mean `unveiling' rather than actual launch... Maybe I should change that bit.

that's great - thanks for the grammar tips! As for the gravity, I'd imagined some kind of device that generates gravity on each floor of the station individually (although I'm pretty hazy on the details!), using electro-magnetic thingumies... I don't know, they seem to get away with it on...

Fantastic - I love it! Very dark too. It flows really nicely and totally absorbs you into the story.

I'd like to read that! Sounds intriguing...

It's a pretty complex plot! Is this going to be one book or a series?

surely that should be `leather-clad' ? This story looks like it's going to be an enjoyable read, I like the slight atmoshpere of sexual tension you create in that first section!

I've started reading the new Genesis of Shannara books - very interesting stuff, and quite different from what I was expecting.

I've read `Use of Weapons' and `Consider Phlebas' as well as `Player of Games' - I think I'm going to have to re-read the first 2! I read them ages ago and thoroughly enjoyed, but the actual plots are a dim and distant memory... :( I do think all the culture novels are a fascinating reflection...

Finish it! :-)

Looks like I'm not the only one with a thing for detectives and vampires! Grammatical errors and spelling mistakes have been mentioned by other people, I think the idea is a really good one, and I hope you continue with it. Have to say I preferred the nonchalant style of the first piece, and...

Thanks everyone for helping me out! A few comments have made me realise that I really need to look into some scientific principles before I go any further with my space station description... Science is not my strong point as one or two of you may have noticed! I had an idea for the gravity...

That's sort-of explained a bit later in the story (which I haven't posted here). I was trying to give an impression of the creaky mechanical systems working tirelessly despite their `creakiness'. The only rest that the systems get is when they occasionally break down. I guess this part is...

Marcel Dupont was to be Jeffrey's nemesis; deceiptful, duplicitous and cowardly, he had plotted for many months to rob the man of everything he had. Dupont had a winning smile, but behind it lurked some sinister motives. He would appear comradely, helpful, sincere and trustworthy, but the...

This is great, I'm really enjoying it! Some really nice descriptive passages there... It's an intriguing story!