Oldredia: Part 1 of Chapter 1 (Fantasy - 1502 words)

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Vareor

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Hmm, submitting a piece for critique right after reaching 30 posts feels a bit embarrassing. My eagerness has prevailed, however.
This is the first draft (I write very slowly and I try to iron out my writing as best as I can) of my novel's beginning. I would like to hear your thoughts about it.
Oh, and by the way, the names probably won't stay. I just didn't want leave the names as NAME.


Chapter I - Hero or villain?

“Run, Erika, RUN!!”

Two children hastened through the woods.

As they ran, the boy peeked over his shoulder. Beyond the crying face of his younger sister, in the distance, a giant brown mass galloped on their trail.

An increasingly panicked voice surged through his lips:

“Aaaaahhhh, it’s getting closeeer!”

“Nooooo!!” his sister yelled as if she begged him to stop scaring her.

They rushed with all their might through the labyrinthine trees, completely ignoring the signatures the undergrowth engraved on their bodies. However, the tree branches cracked ever more louder and the rhythmic pounding shook the ground harder and harder. The village refused to entertain their eyes, and even worse, all the trees mirrored each other. They ignored these facts as well. After all, what else could they have done?

Of course, they had heard their father and uncle Ulric debate on how to survive bear attacks, over a tankard of ale, on many occasions. Each invoking personal experiences or common beliefs such as making loud noises, backing away slowly or even playing dead. However, all these lessons vanished, the second the beast charged them.

Although they were well within the age period when boys outgrow girls, Erika ran quicker.

Before his sister pulled ahead, before his mind even registered his actions, his hand anchored on his sister’s shoulder and yanked back.

The forceful jerk accomplished nothing else other than to disrupt his running rhythm, sending him tumbling to the ground.

“Finn!!” Erika cried as she stopped in her tracks. “Get up!”

Finn raised his head and the first thing his eyes met was a trembling hand, extended towards him.

In the background, moist eyes and shaky lips begged him to hurry up. However, as his mind caught up with what he had just attempted, shame, the likes of which even pure terror could not topple, chained him to the ground.

“Eri~”

The sound of trees’ arms breaking under a remorseless force just a breath away, froze his tongue.

By his sister’s terrified look, whose knees rammed into the earth, and by the slow intermittent pounding approaching from behind, he understood. It had caught up with them. It was impossible to deny reality yet he did not dare to believe. He turned around to look and indeed, horror materialized. A giant brown bear lifting itself on its hinder legs, obscured his vision.

No longer able to contain their dread, both siblings broke into a scream.

In response, the bear released a deafening growl and raised one of its claws.

This was it. They were going to die. He was as sure of it as he was of the sun rising from the east and setting in the west. As he could not look death in the face anymore, he shut his eyes and waited for the inevitable.

His mind never raced through life memories as old men of the village claimed would happen, instead there were only screams. The dark infused screams of his sister and perhaps even his. Before he could question the harbinger of death’s absence, a load inhuman groan followed a heavy blow.

His eyes jittered open. In place of the monstrous bear, a young man with black hair and black eyes as still as a statue’s, wearing only a pair of pants – a size or two, too large for him – faced the right side.

Like a moth drawn to flames, his line of sight followed the stranger’s gaze. Just a few meters away, the lump of brown fur rolled on the ground.

One time, at the behest of the older kids to prove his brass, he tried to mount the village’s stallion. A jolt, a twist and a blow – and he flew. The horse kicked him so hard in the chest, he thought his soul had blasted out through his back. For what seemed an eternity, his mouth opened and closed like a fish’s on land while woolen balls drifted across the grand azure.

That’s how he felt now. He breathed in, he breathed out, but the air just wouldn’t follow.

What had happened? How did the bear end up on the ground? Who was this strange person in front of him and where did he come from? A myriad of questions swarmed his mind. Before he could sort out his thoughts, the young man strode towards the bear who had just recovered its footing, with a composed look.

The bear growled even –

“Fuuh!”

– louder than the first time?

Right during the bear’s volcanic display of rage, with a short and forced exhale, the young man jumped and speared his right arm into the beast’s mouth, all the way to the elbow.

As if on fire, the beast shook its head free and threw itself on the back.

“HAAAAAA!”

With a stomp of the foot the young man shouted.

In a fit of coughs, the bear turned tail and disappeared into the woods.

As he sat on his bum, eyelids stuck to the roof, the boy clasped his own arms in a tight embrace and clenched his jaw. He struggled to stop shivering as the scene he had just witnessed defied even his wildest dreams.

The cause of the tremors wasn’t fear, but a state of exhilaration like he had never felt before.

Humanity had prevailed against one of the creatures which stood at the top of the food chain using nothing else than what nature gifted them with. It had been a pure battle without the use of tools such as weapons or armors. For the first time in his life, he felt proud for having been born a human.

The person in front of him was stronger than everyone. Stronger than the older kids who picked on him, stronger than the guards of the village and even his father, a war veteran would lose in a fight against him.

“Brother!” Erika cried as her knees rushed her to his side.

Although he would’ve liked to display a more mature reaction under the eyes of their savior, the waterfalls that plunged on his shoulder and the small heaving frame which drew them forth, reverted his consciousness to its most primal and unaltered state. He hugged his sister back and head cocked back and eyes shut tight, what began as a silent scream soon developed into a cry beyond what his throat could handle. With a rawness unconfined by walls of ego, he wept as if it was both the last as well as the first time he saw her.

“~ ok?”

When the signs of moving towards the realm of dreams became obvious enough to snap awake ~

“Hey, are you guys ok?” the young man asked.

“Uhh … yes, we are fine. Thank you …” The boy said as he gently shook his sister who had fallen asleep on his lap.

“Don’t worry about it. Here, I’m … I’m Greymane.” He said while he offered his right hand after he wiped it on his pants.

“I’m Finn, and this is my younger sister, Erika.”

The hand which helped them rise up and the handshake which followed afterwards, were firm but gentle. The young man who must have been three or four years older than himself, had hands only a nail bigger and palms as soft as that of an infant.

Even after he let go of their savior’s hand, a sense of curiosity lingered at the back of his mind. Finn’s calloused palms were ugly and felt like leather but they were his pride as they proved his hard work and marked his coming of age. While he was only thirteen years old, he had been helping his parents work the fields for as long as he could remember. That was the path everyone else followed too.

With skin the world had never touched, which clothed a well-proportioned slim frame and delicate features at the top, the one who commanded it all with absolute confidence even against monstrous bears, couldn’t have come from anywhere than a different world.

“What are you kids doing so deep into the forest?”

Finn and Erika exchanged a short look before Erika whispered:

“Brother, I think we should tell him.”

“We wanted to meet the witch …” Finn said in a quiet voice that squeezed the last word through his teeth.

“She has cursed our village with an uncurable plague and we want to make her undo it.” He continued, hands clenched into shaking fists.

“Even our father …” Erika said, her voice tearing up.

After a short pause, Greymane bowed until his height matched theirs. He looked them straight in the eyes and he placed his hands on their shoulders.

“I understand. Don’t worry, everything will be alright.”

They hadn’t known him for more than a few minutes but his voice carried so much conviction that even those few words were enough to lighten their anxiety.

“For now, allow me to take you back to your village. We will solve this problem together.”

“Un!” both siblings nodded with restored spirits.
 
It's not a bad piece of writing, but it's really detached as if someone is reading the story to us. The problem there is that it leaves us completely separated from the story rather than experiencing it.

I'd very much recommend that you consider what POV use you're applying, and why. For example, it's much more common these days to write scenes from the point of view of a specific character. By describing the story through their experiences, the reader gets to share in that and the result is a more immediate and powerful experience.

What you have at the moment is more tell then show - it's like someone's reading a comic book out aloud, or providing subtitles on a film. This method doesn't really make the story come alive or make us experience it.

2c.
 
I'm going to disagree slightly with Brian. It seems to me the issue isn't that you're writing in objective POV but that you're switching from from objective POV to omniscient POV to 3rd-person limited POV and cycling through these repeatedly. Just to give an example:
Two children hastened through the woods.
This is written from the POV of an objective narrator who is unaware of even the children's names let alone what they are sensing and thinking. This part is written in objective POV.

The village refused to entertain their eyes, and even worse, all the trees mirrored each other. They ignored these facts as well. After all, what else could they have done?

Of course, they had heard their father and uncle Ulric debate on how to survive bear attacks, over a tankard of ale, on many occasions. Each invoking personal experiences or common beliefs such as making loud noises, backing away slowly or even playing dead. However, all these lessons vanished, the second the beast charged them.
An objective narrator wouldn't be able to say what the characters are seeing or thinking. This part is written in omniscient POV. You're telling us what both characters are seeing and thinking at the same time.

By his sister’s terrified look, whose knees rammed into the earth, and by the slow intermittent pounding approaching from behind, he understood. It had caught up with them. It was impossible to deny reality yet he did not dare to believe. He turned around to look and indeed, horror materialized. A giant brown bear lifting itself on its hinder legs, obscured his vision.
This part shows us only what Finn is thinking. His sister's terror is described only as he perceives it, and we only see the bear when he turns and looks at it. This part is written in 3rd-person limited POV.

The problem with writing this way is that you start off distant, then dip into the characters' minds before zooming out again, leaving readers to wonder why they are suddenly so detached from the characters they were just so close to. There is nothing wrong with writing a story entirely in objective POV, or entirely in omniscient POV, or entirely in 3rd-person limited POV. But constantly switching POV makes it harder for readers to get a feel for the characters and empathize with them.

Which POV you should use depends on the focus of the story. If you need to zoom out and show readers a broader view of things than one character could ever see, objective POV works. If you need to show multiple character's thoughts in the same scenes, omniscient POV works. But if you only need to show what one character is thinking and experiencing throughout the story, 3rd-person limited POV or 1st-person POV work best. Based on this beginning, your story seems to fall into the last category, but only you know for sure where the story is heading and if it can stay limited to one character's experiences.

I hope this helps!
 
Thank you both for the reviews! They help a lot.

The POV I’m trying to write my novel in, is third person limited. But it seems like I’ve misunderstood what it is. I was under the impression that it’s fine to use any information that the character I’m following has access to. Take for example the second quote QHB used:

“The village refused to entertain their eyes …”

I thought it made sense to put it like this, because if Finn can’t see the village, it’s obvious that his sister can’t either.

My understanding of why it seems so distant – to the point it can be classified as written from an omniscient POV – is because even if the character is aware of this fact, he wouldn’t actually think about it. Especially in those moments where his instincts take control.
 
Hey, I've rewritten the first page and I would like to know if it's any better before I go on. I tried going a bit deeper into the character's psyche and I hope I fixed the cycling though POVs.
I'm posting it here since the thread doesn't have that many replies.

---

“Run, Erika, RUN!!”

Brown trunks of unending trees zoomed by, on both flanks. Finn’s legs raced with steps so large, he spent more time in the air than on land. His mouth gasped – it struggled to fuel his body with air as he peddled even with his arms in an attempt to run faster.

Up ahead, across Finn’s path, a tree laid on its crown and roots. The fallen tree, thicker than Finn was tall, approached fast. Too fast. His mind screamed at the impeding hurdle until a continuous cry lurched out through his mouth, in an almost foreign voice.

Similar to his squeal, his legs didn’t stop either – they didn’t even slow down. He speared head first under the tree.

“Brother! Hurry up!” Erika said.

Forget the bark which snicked at his back. Forget the mud which flooded his shirt. Everything from his feet, to his hands, to his chin, pushed and pulled until he was on the other side.

Once again, he ran faster than ever before. However, if even a kid could barely get past that colossal trunk, then there was no way it could have followed. He was safe. They were –

“Erika!” Finn said as he threw his head back.

Finally, a glimpse of relief. She had caught up.

“Thank ~” Dread twisted his mouth useless.

Beyond the crying face of his younger sister, in the distance, a giant brown mass jumped down from the wooden wall and resumed its gallop on their trail. This time even quicker.

An increasingly panicked voice surged through his lips:

“Aaaaahhhh, it’s getting closeeer!”

“Nooooo!!” his sister yelled as if she begged him to stop scaring her.

He rushed with all his might through the labyrinthine trees, ignoring the signatures the undergrowth engraved on his body. However, the branches cracked ever more louder and the rhythmic pounding shook the ground harder and harder. The village refused to entertain his eyes, and even worse, all the trees mirrored each other. He ignored these facts as well. After all, what else could he have done?

Of course, he had heard their father and uncle Ulric debate on how to survive bear attacks, over a tankard of ale, on many occasions. Each invoking personal experiences or common beliefs such as making loud noises, backing away slowly or even playing dead. However, all these lessons vanished, the second the beast charged them.
 
I like them both the first is a bit unusual in that it is third person that slips in and out of singular and multiple views; however it can still be called third person POV. If you were doing this on purpose and shifting through from singular to plural it would be demonstrating a certain amount of depth in your writing, once you get it down to where you do it well enough.

I think one problem was that you slipped from multiple to singular and then back to multiple and right away to singular and that is jarring.

However, had you just done the multiple at the top and then dropped to the singular and stayed there I think it would have worked well for me.

The second attempt also works for me; however if you were aware of having used multiple third POV mixed with the Singular then I wouldn't discourage you from attempting that--just advise that you sort it out to good effect the next time you try.

Both pieces have their merits; for starting writers it might be best to try to stick to the same POV and Singular POV, because that's easier to keep track of--until you have more writing experience(then you can experiment).
Keep writing.
 
Thank you, Dan.


Keep writing.

Yes, I will.

To be honest, I’m aiming for third person limited. I thought this POV includes multiple views too; as long as I stay within what the focal character perceives. (for example: “Two children hastened through the woods.”)

For some reason, starting from a wide angle and then zooming in, feels very natural to me. However, I see that I can set the scene from behind the character’s eyes as well.
Nonetheless, I’ve become curious. Although I wasn’t really doing it on purpose, is it possible to shift through POVs? Or rather, isn’t this practice frowned upon, even when it’s done well?

I also wrote a version where I went even deeper into the character’s psyche, however writing like that is very exhausting. I’ve always admired writers who write like that and now I have even more respect for them, but I don’t think this style is for me.

Oh, and I know it may sound silly, but another reason I wasn’t too quick at mentioning the characters’ names is because we don’t usually refer to ourselves by our own names. Nor do we think about other people’s names when we think about them. I think we just visualize them entirely.
So, I thought it would be fine if I waited until other characters mentioned their names. Ye, this might be weird.
 
You want to be careful about shifting the POV too much in one scene. This begins to look like head hopping. In the same token you want to be careful about shifting from plural POV to singular and as I said it worked at the beginning. The biggest problem with the plural is that it seems more distant than the singular. So that means in the first piece you start with distancing--which is what sometimes it looks like on tv and movies and doesn't often work as well in writing; however it does work(just takes some of the tension away.)

This is why it hurts the piece to drift back into plural where the bear comes up on them. It's like you cut from the most intense scene to a zoomed view again and you take all the tension away. It almost spoils the scene at that point.

Overall--as has been mentioned--it is also good to look back and say what value does the plural protracted view have that couldn't be done just by staying in that singular point of view.

If we do something like that because it seemed like a cool thing to do, at the time, it is best to question what we did. However if we can look at it and can say that it added something to the work that was missing from the other POV then there might be justification for doing it.

The name thing is always difficult. The key is that if you can present it in a way in the narrative that it organically fits and doesn't reveal that you just tossed that in because everyone said you should name the character right away: that's when it is working.
 
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