On the Rooftops

This is the rather experimental opening of a short story. The aim is to write something that isn't overt comedy but is still pretty light and slightly tongue in cheek. Certain aspects will be explained in more detail later on, but I don't want to be too confusing at this stage. I've kept the description pretty minimal, so my main question would be whether it's clear enough to tell what's going on. And of course, would you read on? (And anything else, too!)



Helen Frampton walked to the edge of the Crofton-Morgenthau building, leaned over the railing and boosted her vision as far as it would go.

The protesters seventy yards below were a dark river shot through with neon. Hair, hats and coats glistened with rain. Luminous banners bobbed as the people marched down Cavalry Way, towards Central Hall. A police drone hung above them at 50th floor level, its rotors a blur of motion.

Miss Frampton opened her umbrella and gave the mental command to patch into NetCom.

“Enjoying the march?” Central asked.

“Votes for androids?” she said. “I never heard such nonsense.”

“How’s the view?”

She gave the password to key him into her visual feed and looked around, turning slowly so his eyes would be able to take in the scene. Behind her, a forty-foot hologram of Timmy Tiger loomed over the rooftops like a genie. “Every day’s a jolly day at a Tiger Tea House!” the hologram proclaimed.

“Pan to your right,” Central said. “Bit more. There.”

Miss Frampton stopped. On a billboard across the road, a young lady cavorted in her smalls, advertising Victorian Secret Corsetry.

"Interesting," Central said. “I'll send a bot to check behind that billboard."

“Very sensible. Now, I’d like my eyes back, if you’ve quite finished.”

“’Course,” Central replied. “Flicking back to dronecam.”

Down below, policemen directed the protesters down pre-arranged routes: the logic engines had run projections of throughput into the city centre and were, as usual, being proved right. Everything was going to plan.

Always look busy, always look helpful.

It was time to check the nearby roads. She jogged across the roof. Redirected traffic crawled through Victory Avenue. She pushed her vision and looked over the cars and lorries, then toggled back into NetCom. Registration details appeared in white text under their number plates.

Outside the Grand Imperial Bank, a removal lorry had opened its side door onto the kerb. That was a direct violation of the Public Protest Regulations, 2486: no unloading was to take place during rerouting. Miss Frampton tagged the number plate and pushed it up to Central with a standard request for more information.

Something large emerged from the side of the lorry. She saw hydraulic legs and scuffed armour plates, cream-coloured identity decals stencilled over grey-green urban camo. Her wartime database identified the make: Scutus Industries Parsifal self-propelling turretbot.

Knowledge appeared in her head: NetCom had found a red flag on the lorry. It had been stolen at 08.22 this morning. She gave the command to send police and a cover drone –

No reply. NetCom was dead. The link had been cut.

"Well, that's just typical," she said. “If you want something done…” Miss Frampton folded her umbrella, climbed onto the railing, and stepped off the roof.

Well, I enjoyed it and would read on. I'm not entirely sure where we are and what's going on, but it doesn't worry me, and I certainly didn't feel confused. It does achieve a lightness of tone without falling too far into comedy, and there's an edge there of likely violence coming up, which the Mary Poppins-like Miss Frampton will undoubtedly deal with in what is doubtless her own inimitable way.

In nit-picking mode, nothing important hit me on a quick read through. I'd use a semi colon not a full stop after "glistened with rain" in the second paragraph, and three paras from the end you've got "this morning" but I always think "this" is too present-tensey to use when the rest of the narrative is in past tense, so I'd suggest "that morning" but that's all that struck me.

I like it. Well done.

It took a bit of dithering and re reading before I ascertained that NetCom and Central weren't the same (as I first assumed).
One is the comms system and one is the master computer reached by that comms system.
I hope so anyway! Or did I misinterpret that? (If so then it needs a bit of clarification)

Also why would someone who can clearly jump off a tall building to (presumably) kick ass and wreak mayhem need an umbrella? Pretentiousness? Or will it part of her fighting mode - like in the Kingsman films?

A bit curious

@The Judge Thanks! The balance between saying too much and leaving stuff out is a tricky one, especially since the start of a book needs some sort of conflict to draw the reader in. It occurred to me as I was writing this that I can think of almost no (friendly) female androids who aren't either creepy sexbots or someone's idealised girlfriend/wife (maybe Winona Ryder in Alien Resurrection). However, the default male robot personality seems to be cheerful, sexless and a bit prim, and I can't see why this wouldn't be the same for a female one.

@dannymcg No, you've not missed anything. Hopefully that's curious as in "interesting" rather than "weird"! The whole umbrella thing will be explained, but yes, it’s something of an affectation (although you wouldn’t want to short out in the constant futuristic drizzle…). There’s a lot to say about robots, but I reckon that, assuming that their minds aren’t totally incapable of change and development, they could become rather quirky and attached to odd things. A lot of robot stories are ultimately about people, and there are probably some interesting things to say about fitting in and looking normal here. Anyway, I’m digressing somewhat, but thanks for your comments!

I liked it too, and have nothing helpful to add! Well written and interesting. The only bit that I reread several times was "mental command" as I couldn't work out if a word was missing somewhere or not.

I had the same problem as @dannymcg about NetCom and Central.

I think this is really good, and would keenly read on. There's maybe a little inconsistency in Central's voice that I found distracting and distancing, and you could probably tighten up the dialogue in general (as an example of something: "Now, I'd like my eyes back, if you've quite finished." feels like it's not as snappy as it wants to be)

It does definitely feel like something nasty is going to happen: I don't know if that was an expectation you were intending to set up.

And I've just realised the reason I had trouble with 'mental command' was because I was reading it as 'metal command'. So, yeah. It does make sense.

I almost had the impression that the umbrella acts as an antenna.

The distinction between NetCom and Central is not clear to me. Does Central always come into play when she access NetCom.
She initially activates NetCom and Central responds and then later toggles to NetCom, but pushes information to Central and later gets a red flag response from NetCom.

Does Central act like a clearing house and a regulator to to access and NetCom is just a connection so that the red flag actually comes from Central rather than NetCom? Or are they almost synonymous.

I imagined NetCom (a bit of a placeholder name until I can come up with something a bit more characterful) as a computer system, and Central as the man operating it (like Control in Tinker Tailor, except a lower position). Clearly I ought to tidy their roles up a bit.

There is going to be some umbrella-related violence with the mobile turret, but the aim isn't to get too cyberpunk with this. Ultimately, Helen ends up having to look after (and patronise) a secret agent with partial amnesia, and together they try to fit in and generally have an odd-couple type adventure while trying to find the person who wiped his memories, whilst being hunted. It should be fun, and a nice break from writing about unhappy people hitting each other with swords.

Anyhow, thanks guys!

If it helps any, I understood that NetCom was a Thing and Central the Thing controlling the Thing.

Yep, me too, save I thought Central was a person, not a fellow android/robot/computer.** I guessed he intercepted her initial link even if she hadn't intended to contact him direct that first time so it didn't worry me, but perhaps it might help to put something there to make it clear that's what he's done, if so, or she's asked to be linked to him or whatever.


** When he says he'll send a bot to check out the cavorting corset-clad lady, I thought it was meant as a naughty aside, hence her rather tart response, but on reading it again I see he's checking behind the billboard, ie he thinks someone might be using the titillating advert as cover, and her reply is actually straightforward. So now I'm not so sure if he is human!

Gosh, the power of words! I imagined Central as a man in a control centre, probably with screens and a headset. Originally, the comment was that he'd look over the billboard, but I changed it because it sounded too unprofessional. It's interesting how a few words can make a difference - especially at the start of a story, where setting the scene counts a lot. If I extend this story a reasonable way, I expect her to leave this city and go out of range (perhaps deliberately), so the ability to mentally dial in for help won't play that large a part.

Like most readers, I believe, having grasped the wrong end of the stick, I will doggedly cling to it until the author smacks me on the nose enough times.

I like this and I got a bit of a Blade Runner vibe from the setting (though maybe that's just because I saw the new movie last night). I do get a distinct sense of character from the voices you have made.
Quick nitpick, I wouldn't bother naming the building she's standing on at the beginning. It means two new names in an opening sentence, one of which doesn't feel overly important to know.

I did 'get' it and would have kept reading. Just to counter some of the points above - I took 'Central' as a separate entity to NetCom and thought his 'voice' did give him a human/living body vibe, not a computer voice. (I doubt a computer would ask about feelings - are you enjoying the march?) The comment about the VS billboard also gave him (though suppose it could be a her) emotions. I also took Miss F to be human not an android (just in case this is important).

I didn't get a comedy feel to it at all - it was light but nowhere near comedy -imo.

The umbrella 'thing' REALLY smacked of Kingsman though - not sure if that's a good or bad thing but, unfortunately, as the films are so recent it did take away the impact. The flip side of that though is that I can guess what she's going to do with it, whereas before Kingsman it wouldn't have registered as a weapon and I may have thought the forecast was for rain

To be fair, the concept of using an umbrella as a weapon was in British tv show The Avengers before Kingsmen and I believe the French martial art La Canne includes some forms for using umbrellas as such.

SPoots said:

To be fair, the concept of using an umbrella as a weapon was in British tv show The Avengers before Kingsmen and I believe the French martial art La Canne includes some forms for using umbrellas as such.

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Very good point! I'd forgotten about The Avengers! Plus real life assassination of Georgi Markov - but, my point was, that since the Kingsman films are so recent that was the first place my mind went to upon reading the last line of Toby's piece. (Some people like to know what images their readings elicit by that I mean that I like to know these things and so automatically assume everyone else is the same lol ).

That's interesting, because my first thought was of the umbrella as a very Victorian/Edwardian thing (hence also the reference to voting). The umbrella crops up in the Victorian martial art Bartitsu, which is mentioned in Sherlock Holmes. Here are some pictures, seemingly of a Victorian demonstration. (There's probably quite an interesting history of women's self-defence waiting to be written, from the Victorians through various SOE agents into the feminist movements of the 1960s, but anyway...).



I've never seen Kingsman, as the whole suave spy thing isn't really my cup of tea, so it hadn't really occurred to me, but you're right. I hadn't considered the Avengers-type aspect. It's very interesting how small details build up to a larger image in a piece of writing, whether you want them to or not. I keep thinking of the opening to Count Zero by William Gibson, where I'm not sure what the details are exactly but I've got a clear image of what generally happened.

Toby Frost said:

That's interesting, because my first thought was of the umbrella as a very Victorian/Edwardian thing (hence also the reference to voting). The umbrella crops up in the Victorian martial art Bartitsu, which is mentioned in Sherlock Holmes. Here are some pictures, seemingly of a Victorian demonstration. (There's probably quite an interesting history of women's self-defence waiting to be written, from the Victorians through various SOE agents into the feminist movements of the 1960s, but anyway...).

Click to expand...

How fantastic I now feel rather sad that the 20th and 21st centuries have contaminated this!

Well, I'm wanting to read more. I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

'Always look busy, always look helpful' stood out to me. Here is an idea full of countless potential directions throughout the story, I thought.

I, too, took Central to be a human 'behind the machine,' so to speak. I actually bonded with him, as such.

I also imagined NetCom had not been cut off, so much as Central had abandoned a despotic post for which his ideals did not match (that he had become coerced/enforced to man a station fueled by wicked ideals to which he despised, so to speak)

My imagination had Central involved with the debacle going on down below--the one Helen Frampton was about to go 'take care of' by herself.

Hmm, must read more. Very good beginning for my tastes.

Hd