Opening of fantasy project | 800 words

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Ragandar

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This is the opening to my current project: a novel about the discovery of a new world with some political undertones. I'm worried because this opening could be seen as a bit of a red herring. Though the emperor's death mentioned will play a role in the background, it is not the main focus of this particular story, but currently it does appear to function as the main hook.

That being said, does this hook have enough going on?

As it is the opening, I'm also hoping I've avoided the issue of info-dumping. That's something I tend to be particularly bad at, although any comments would be appreciated. Cheers guys.


---
Opening

‘Get it loaded up,’ Leendert said. ‘I want to leave today, before the sun goes down. We have no time to lose.’ The bulky merchant squinted as he looked up at another crate with Karchulite grain that was being loaded onto his ship.

‘Some would say it would be wise to stay the night, trader.’

Leendert huffed. One could always recognise an Iusgulian by the patronising behaviour that came so natural to them, even in a passing comment. It was a strange southern thing. No northerner would ever speak as a Iusgulian did. Had trade with the eastern coasts of Karchul not been so profitable, Leendert would have taken his ships elsewhere a long time ago. As it was, he was willing to put up with the Iusgulian behavioural traits. Business was business, after all.

He looked over the empty docks. Leendert had been surprised by the lack of Iusgulian triremes in the harbour. Usually there would be a host of ships cluttering the dockyard, their masts sticking up like a wood of branchless trees, but today there were only two other ships. One quite looked like his own dhow, named Westerwind after Taran’s winds that facilitated trade. The other was a tiny fishing dinghy. It was odd to say the least and it worried the merchant.

Even more unsettling was that, with a few exceptions, the cobblestone streets were devoid of life. This port had always been bustling with trade, but now it seemed a dead place. He had barely managed to sell his wares. On top of that he felt like he was being watched.

‘Come on lads, I pay you to work,’ Leendert said as he returned his attention to his crew. ‘Put your backs into it. If we end up having to stay the night, it’s coming out of your own pockets.’ That got the sailors moving quickly again. Nobody liked having their pay docked, but the Vliss despised it.

‘Leendert!’ The thick voice came from the other side of the docks. When he saw who had called out to him, he grinned widely. There was no mistaking the typically bright Vliss garb the man was wearing.

‘Izaac!’ They met in the middle of the desolate docks, grabbed each other’s right wrist and placed their left hands on the other’s shoulder in a traditional Vliss greeting. ‘It’s been too long, old friend. Taran’s winds are truly great, to have granted us such a coincidence.’ They jostled each other playfully with warm smiles until Izaac’s face turned serious.

‘We should talk somewhere more private.’

Leendert looked over his ship and saw that his men were still busy. ‘I will be back soon. Boudwin is in charge until then. I expect to be ready to set sail by the time I return.’ Together Leendert and Izaac made their way to a tavern that was frequented by Vliss merchants. Leendert had spent some time there himself over the years. He stopped at this Iusgulian port whenever he had to sail far enough into the Green Sea.


‘So what did you want to talk about?’ Leendert asked jovially as they entered the building. He was glad to see a familiar face, other than his crew. Even though the building was essentially empty, Izaac still hushed him. They found a place at the back, in a dark corner. Hardly a desirable place, but Izaac insisted on it. Leendert saw that the woman behind the bar gave them a long, hard stare.

‘Keep your voice down,’ Izaac said as he sat down. ‘It’s not safe.’ Izaac’s jittery behaviour both worried and annoyed Leendert.

‘Well, out with it then. Spill it.’

‘Have you heard of what has happened in Karchul, in the west?’

‘The emperor is dead. Yes, I’ve heard.’

‘It’s more than that,’ Izaac said as he looked about himself. His voice dropped from a conspiratory whisper to an even softer whisper, tinged with fear. ‘He was murdered.’

‘What’s that to us?’ Leendert did not see how the death of a foreign monarch concerned the merchants of Vlissen. Trade would still thrive.

‘He was murdered by a follower of the Kandr Uth tradition, from the north. Though the empire is still grieving for their loss, some of them have already turned to hatred for northerners.’ He glanced at the woman behind the bar, ‘All northerners,’ he said pointedly.

Leendert stroked his styled beard. The hard stares the owner of the tavern had given them now made more sense to him. Their bright clothing against the heat of the north stood out like a sore finger here. He thought back to the closing words of the last letter he had received from his wife.

Jerom and Vivanne are doing well. Roeland has come home from the Academy, and is planning to stay for a longer time because of restlessness in the empire of Karchul. The family will finally be complete again, for a while. We are all looking forward to your return.

May Taran’s winds speed you along.
With love,


Anke

---​
Apologies for the odd cut-off there, I wanted to keep it a bit shorter.
 
Be aware, I have teeth. Comments in bold.

This is the opening to my current project: a novel about the discovery of a new world with some political undertones. I'm worried because this opening could be seen as a bit of a red herring. Though the emperor's death mentioned will play a role in the background, it is not the main focus of this particular story, but currently it does appear to function as the main hook.

That being said, does this hook have enough going on?

As it is the opening, I'm also hoping I've avoided the issue of info-dumping. That's something I tend to be particularly bad at, although any comments would be appreciated. Cheers guys.


---
Opening

‘Get it loaded up,’ Leendert said. ‘I want to leave today, before the sun goes down. We have no time to lose.’ The bulky merchant squinted as he looked up at another crate with Karchulite grain that was being loaded onto his ship.

‘Some would say it would be wise to stay the night, trader.’

Leendert huffed. One could always recognise an Iusgulian by the patronising behaviour that came so natural to them, even in a passing comment. It was a strange southern thing. No northerner would ever speak as a Iusgulian did. Had trade with the eastern coasts of Karchul not been so profitable, Leendert would have taken his ships elsewhere a long time ago. As it was, he was willing to put up with the Iusgulian behavioural traits. Business was business, after all.this all feels very info dumpy. Do i really need to know all this now? I don't think I do. Also, Leendert huffed is a little bit telling - could you make it more of a show and pull us in?

He looked over the empty docks. What this is is a filter - he looked over - which is placing the action in the way of the reader. Because you are telling -and info dumping leads to telling - this happens naturally - if you were closer to the character, you could skip the filter. Leendert had been surprised by the lack of Iusgulian triremes in the harbour. Usually there would be a host of ships cluttering the dockyard, their masts sticking up like a wood of branchless trees, but today there were only two other ships. One quite looked like his own dhow, named Westerwind after Taran’s winds that facilitated trade. And again - do I need to know the name of the ship and why? I really don't, not yet ;) The other was a tiny fishing dinghy. It was odd to say the least and it worried the merchant.why. How did that worry feel? A nice chance to pull me close.

Even more unsettling was that, with a few exceptions, the cobblestone streets were devoid of life. This port had always been bustling with trade, but now it seemed a dead place. He had barely managed to sell his wares. On top of that he felt like he was being watched.why? How does that feel? Again - this is telling, but a show would work well.

‘Come on lads, I pay you to work,’ Leendert said as he returned his attention to his crew. ‘Put your backs into it. If we end up having to stay the night, it’s coming out of your own pockets.’your dialogue is nice and natural - don't be afraid to use it. That got the sailors moving quickly again. Nobody liked having their pay docked, but the Vliss despised it.

‘Leendert!’ The thick voice good - this is closer to a show came from the other side of the docks. When he saw who who? We're in his pov, hiding things stands out had called out to him, he grinned widely. There was no mistaking the typically bright Vliss garb the man was wearing.

‘Izaac!’ They met in the middle of the desolate docks, grabbed each other’s right wrist and placed their left hands on the other’s shoulder in a traditional Vliss greeting. ‘It’s been too long, old friend. Taran’s winds are truly great, to have granted us such a coincidence.’ They jostled each other playfully how does this look? with warm smiles until Izaac’s face turned serious.

‘We should talk somewhere more private.’

Leendert looked over his ship and saw that his men were still busy. ‘I will be back soon. Boudwin is in charge until then. I expect to be ready to set sail by the time I return.’ Together Leendert and Izaac made their way to a tavern that was frequented by Vliss merchants. Leendert had spent some time there himself over the years. He stopped at this Iusgulian port whenever he had to sail far enough into the Green Sea.when you go back to the info dumping you lose your engaging character voice


‘So what did you want to talk about?’ Leendert asked jovially does jovially add? This might be an adverb too faras they entered the building. He was glad to see a familiar face, other than his crew. Even though the building was essentially empty, Izaac still hushed him. They found a place at the back, in a dark corner. Hardly a desirable place, but Izaac insisted on it. Leendert saw that the woman behind the bar gave them a long, hard stare.

‘Keep your voice down,’ Izaac said as he sat down. ‘It’s not safe.’ Izaac’s jittery behaviourshow us this both worried and annoyed Leendert.

‘Well, out with it then. Spill it.’

‘Have you heard of what has happened in Karchul, in the west?’

‘The emperor is dead. Yes, I’ve heard.’

‘It’s more than that,’ Izaac said as he looked about himself. His voice dropped from a conspiratory whisper to an even softer whisper, tinged with fear. ‘He was murdered.’

‘What’s that to us?’ Leendert did not see how the death of a foreign monarch concerned the merchants of Vlissen. Trade would still thrive.all good

‘He was murdered by a follower of the Kandr Uth tradition, from the north. Though the empire is still grieving for their loss, some of them have already turned to hatred for northerners.’ He glanced at the woman behind the bar, ‘All northerners,’ he said pointedly.

Leendert stroked his styled beard. The hard stares the owner of the tavern had given them now made more sense to him. Their bright clothing against the heat of the north stood out like a sore finger here. He thought back to the closing words of the last letter he had received from his wife.

Jerom and Vivanne are doing well. Roeland has come home from the Academy, and is planning to stay for a longer time because of restlessness in the empire of Karchul. The family will finally be complete again, for a while. We are all looking forward to your return.

May Taran’s winds speed you along.
With love,


Anke

---​
Apologies for the odd cut-off there, I wanted to keep it a bit shorter.

Okay, actually I think you have good characters here and a nice connection to them. The info dumping is there at the beginning and doesn't benefit the piece, and there is a tendency to tell instead of show. I think if you could draw closer and ask the hard questions like what it looks like when someone is jittery and show those behaviours, or how you feel when tense and drip that in - without overkill- this could become a very nice character piece - and I rarely say that.

So, draw us closer, show us what's happening rather than telling us, and ditch the early info dump. Just my opinion, though - wait and see what others say.
 
The three things that are jumping out at me are

1) The Early Info Dump - I don't hate reading it, its quite interesting, but info dump it is

2) The lack of talk about how creepy it is to be in an empty trading port - I find that interesting, I think Leendert's reaction would be interesting, but we go over this fairly quickly imo.

3) The Lack of Voice in the Info Dumps - We're getting Leendert's voice from his speech, but not from his thoughts about the world. I'd like to see more voice there.
 
This scene isn't bad, but it doesn't feel to me like part of a story, merely an excuse to establish world-building information.

You tell us that Leendert is worried, and that it's not safe here - the description of the empty streets and docks is striking - but it's all background detail. This could be a great source of tension in the scene if you pushed it more to the foreground - establish it quickly, and the character feelings through showing (ie, don't say "he was worried" but instead maybe show him hurrying to the point of clumsiness and dropping something, nervously looking around - or something similar, as that will draw in the reader better).

Something you may be missing as well - the death of an Emperor is usually a serious matter. It brings instability, the threat of serious change, the danger of war. Heck, a lot of societies measured time by the reign of an Emperor. So when one dies there's likely to be a huge amount of nervousness during the transition.

Therefore whether the Emperor was murdered or not may be irrelevant to anyone who isn't a high-standing noble directly connected to the said murdered Emperor. For ordinary people, these sort of rumours might be common regardless change is feared, so change might have been brought on by people who are feared or unpopular, whether individuals or ethnic groups. You do name a group and call them "northerners" but it's a pretty generic reference, and you never give a character reaction to what significance that may have.

On that, keep focused on characters and their actions - after Leendert has been told the Emperor has been murdered, there's no reaction. He stands out in a tavern but apparently does nothing but "understand" why he's being stared at, and then simply reads a letter. Because we don't get to feel his immediate emotions or any turmoil, he comes across as simply a writing device to push information at the reader.

It's not all bad, though - you have tried to separate information out and deliver some through dialogue, and avoided the thick brick paragraphs of backstory that sometimes occurs. But here's what you need to do: forget about telling the reader anything about this world's background. Just have a character do something, feel something, and add sparse details as you go along - not because the reader must know it, but because the character would naturally refer to it. And that's when you have your story. I can see you're trying to do something of that already, you just need to let go a little more.

Hope that helps. :)
 
Please feel free to ignore my comments.

‘Get it loaded up,’ Leendert said. ‘I want to leave today, before the sun goes down. We have no time to lose.’ The bulky merchant squinted as he looked up at another crate with Karchulite grain that was being loaded onto his ship.
Why is he in such a hurry? I think you could have conveyed the urgency with more impact using less words.


but today there were only two other ships. One quite looked like his own dhow, named Westerwind after Taran’s winds that facilitated trade. The other was a tiny fishing dinghy. It was odd to say the least and it worried the mercha
Which is odd, the two ships or the fishing dinghy? Is this why he's in a hurry to leave?

Even more unsettling was that, with a few exceptions, the cobblestone streets were devoid of life. This port had always been bustling with trade, but now it seemed a dead place. He had barely managed to sell his wares. On top of that he felt like he was being watched.
Now I realise why he wants to leave in a hurry.

‘Put your backs into it. If we end up having to stay the night, it’s coming out of your own pockets.’
He's desperate to leave, but contemplating staying?

When he saw who had called out to him,
As someone is calling out to him, this can be assumed.

‘I will be back soon. Boudwin is in charge until then.
This seems passive, if he was desperate to leave wouldn't he leave his crew with a sharp reminder to hurry up!

Together Leendert and Izaac made their way to a tavern that was frequented by Vliss merchants.
Jumped out of POV here.

Leendert asked jovially as they entered the building. He was glad to see a familiar face, other than his crew.
If the face is familiar, why didn't he recognise his voice?

Leendert saw that the woman behind the bar gave them a long, hard stare.
The use of the word "saw" is passive, it doesn't convey any tension.

‘Well, out with it then. Spill it.’
Is he repeating himself?

‘It’s more than that,’ Izaac said as he looked about himself. His voice dropped from a conspiratory whisper to an even softer whisper, tinged with fear. ‘He was murdered.’
I think this is overwritten. 'His voice dropped to a fear tinged whisper.' Or He leant in, his voice barely audible.

Leendert stroked his styled beard.
Styled beard?

The hard stares the owner of the tavern had given them now made more sense to him. Their bright clothing against the heat of the north stood out like a sore finger here. He thought back to the closing words of the last letter he had received from his wife.
Again, I think this is overwritten. 'The hard stares, the bright northern clothing.'

I hope this is of some use.
 
Good to hear that my characters have some form of voice, I never really feel like they do.

I should probably cut out the exposition about the Iusgulians, but I personally feel like the thought about the ship is a natural one for Leendert to have. He's really proud of it because it allows him to do what he loves best. Sailing the seas and making a profit doing so. I feel the same way when I see the maps I've drawn for my world, or the giant pile of board games on top of my wardrobe.

Something you may be missing as well - the death of an Emperor is usually a serious matter. It brings instability, the threat of serious change, the danger of war. Heck, a lot of societies measured time by the reign of an Emperor. So when one dies there's likely to be a huge amount of nervousness during the transition.

Therefore whether the Emperor was murdered or not may be irrelevant to anyone who isn't a high-standing noble directly connected to the said murdered Emperor. For ordinary people, these sort of rumours might be common regardless change is feared, so change might have been brought on by people who are feared or unpopular, whether individuals or ethnic groups. You do name a group and call them "northerners" but it's a pretty generic reference, and you never give a character reaction to what significance that may have.

On that, keep focused on characters and their actions - after Leendert has been told the Emperor has been murdered, there's no reaction. He stands out in a tavern but apparently does nothing but "understand" why he's being stared at, and then simply reads a letter. Because we don't get to feel his immediate emotions or any turmoil, he comes across as simply a writing device to push information at the reader.

On Leendert's somewhat calm response after hearing about the emperor's death: He's an older man with quite a bit of experience in the mercantile business. Monarchs have died during his lifetime before, and he has continued to trade through that. He'd probably figure that, if there's unrest that impedes trade, he'll just not go to Karchul for a while and trade elsewhere. He can come back once things have calmed down. Like he himself said, trade would flourish anyway. The only reason he's currently worried is because the people there apparently hate him. They pose a direct threat. As soon as he's out to sea, that threat (to him) is gone.

Does that make sense, or am I spouting nonsense here?

Later on in the story, in a chapter from the POV of Leendert's wife, there's a lot more turmoil and despair with regards to the news from Karchul. She's part of the council that governs Vlissen, and they are worried that war might be declared against Vlissen itself as a result of the murder. This is not something Leendert really considers to be a likely thing to happen. Hence he's not too worried about that possibility, though it will remain in the back of his mind.

I'll probably also relocate the conversation from the tavern to one of their ships, especially since Izaac shouldn't really be willing to go into town with how nervous he is anyway.

Why is he in such a hurry? I think you could have conveyed the urgency with more impact using less words.

The reason he's in a hurry is threefold.

-He's a bit uncomfortable with the empty port, though this is not the main reason he wants to leave.

-The locals are unwilling to trade, and Leendert has no desire to stay in a place where there's no profit to be made.

-Above all, he's eager to get a move on. After years of planning and politicking, he's finally managed to convince his government to allow him to sail east, beyond the Green Sea. It has cost him a lot of effort and money, but he hopes to find new opportunities for trade.

The conversation changes subject towards that right after he recalls the letter, but I suppose I should probably include it in his thoughts a bit earlier. That might help to draw the reader closer to the character as well.


Cheers folks, this has been really helpful. :)
I have a lot of improving to do.
 
Does that make sense, or am I spouting nonsense here?

It does make sense - but you don't communicate that clearly in your opening. You may know what he's thinking - but we don't!

On Leendert's somewhat calm response after hearing about the emperor's death: He's an older man with quite a bit of experience in the mercantile business. Monarchs have died during his lifetime before, and he has continued to trade through that. He'd probably figure that, if there's unrest that impedes trade, he'll just not go to Karchul for a while and trade elsewhere. He can come back once things have calmed down. Like he himself said, trade would flourish anyway. The only reason he's currently worried is because the people there apparently hate him. They pose a direct threat. As soon as he's out to sea, that threat (to him) is gone.

Re-jig this, and it may be all the background info we need in this section. :)
 
I think all of the thoughts Leendert has there are natural, understandable and plausible.

The problem is the thoughts get in the way of the story (or at least as I perceive it). This is compounded by his thoughts not having a strong voice.

Hrm. What *is* the story of this excerpt? Are we just setting the scene before he hears of the Emperor's death? Or is there something more under there?
 
Most of this has been said but I feel like you get rolling into the story by about the time Izzac shows up. Everything before that is a bit stilted with too much info and not enough POV for me to work out that Leendert is who I should be paying attention to here. After that their conversation begins to flow.

The first couple of lines confused me. I wasn't sure who was speaking and if its Leendert's POV, then him thinking of himself as a "bulky merchant" suggests he has some body confidence issues :) I'd kick-start it with Izzac hailing him from the quay, then describe the empty port, then have them slide off to the tavern. I like the little interplay when the characters first meet and the detail of their handshake. Up until that point I'm thinking "yeah, whatever". After Izzac's expression changes I'm thinking "ooh, there's a conspiracy afoot. Interesting."

A few points on the wording jarred, like the tavern being "essentially empty" - I'd go with "almost empty". But largely I think you need to sort the structure and grab the reader more quickly as what you have feels like it could be intriguing.
 
There's a strong character piece here, and a good voice - the problem is it's sandwiched between a large info dump.

For me it's just a wee bit much telling, lots of names of places I don't know about thrown at me too soon and telling me how the character feels instead of showing.

Not a bad piece, as when you go back to it you have something to work with. Chisel away at it by showing how your character feels with his actions to make it more immediate and to bring us closer to him.

Just a few thoughts. :)

V
 
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