Omni opening kids SFF

I know i haven't been around on the crit boards much lately, but getting back into it after illness (continuing but I'm sticking two fingers at it and the doc).

So I'm working on a SFF type kids piece - aimed 13+ I think. It has had dubious workshopping, but then my work never gets done well as they just love pointing out spelling errors (which I don't tend to have).

I'm only popping the opening 450 words and without much info except to say it is first drafty story stage - so I think it needs bulking out a little more, but the plot etc are sorted and grammar sorted etc.

3 questions - 1. how understandable is it? 2. how suitable for 13+ is language (I'm terrible at this as my experience in being a child reader is not helpful - reading prodigy type thing so didn't spend too long on the kids book front!) and 3. How much do people not like omni and dipping into 3rd and back out as omni does? (not sure this extract shows this best, but general views appreciated)



1. Early Maintenance


The moon was out. Luna-six sighed, a worn out sound that was repeated by Lunas one through five. She swivelled her chair around to look at Luna-four who was tapping his desk with long fingers.

“Get hold of the Garys. Tell them we need extra cloud cover from dusk till whenever we can get the moon back up.”

Luna-four nodded and started speaking into a grey tube, his fingers still tapping. Luna-six swivelled around again, enjoying the new smoothness of the chair. Luna-two was hovering over the maintenance tube looking excitedly at her. Luna-six wafted her hand at him and he rushed into his first contact with maintenance since he started on the station last week. She was surprised he wasn’t jumping up and down.

“Luna-one contact the Ocean station, let them know the moon is out one day early so they may have to step in. Scheduled maintenance will still go ahead tomorrow.” Luna-six paused, staring intently at Luna-one who leisurely reached for a blue tube with beautifully manicured nails. Each one showed a phase of the moon they watched over.

“Umm Luna-six?” The voice was quiet and unnervingly close; Luna-five was worryingly good at sneaking up on people.

“Yes,” Luna-six snapped, more out of shock than anger, “what is it?”

“Umm, the Solar station is going to be upset again, what with you calling in the extra cloud and hiding their sunset. They’ve been planning this one since last month. I’m not sure how well they’re going to take it…” he trailed off unhappily. Luna-six was staring at him, eyes slightly unfocussed as she tried to think. Luna-five was shifting uncomfortably on the spot, wishing he hadn’t swapped stations. He’d loved being a Flora, but the call of the moon had been too much. It was much more boring sat up here in space. The moonscape had been wonderful at first, but there was no growing, no seasons, no green. Luna-five focussed back on Luna-six when he heard her talking to him,

“… course they will be upset, but there’s really nothing we can do. If I don’t call cloud cover, the humans will notice the moon is out. I’m sure they can postpone their fancy sunset for another day, it’s not like they don’t get to make one every day. Besides, emergencies claim priority over aesthetics every time.” Luna-five disagreed, but Luna-six was Moon station born and bred, aesthetics always sounded like a curse whenever she said it. Though she always said the moon was beautiful. She had moved on to yelling for Luna-three who was probably in the kitchen again instead of at her desk. Luna-five retreated to his desk and started composing the message of bad news for the Solar station as sympathetically as he could.

It is a bit confusing. So is the moon out or not? The garys bit tells us they dont have the moon up yet, but the first sentence of the story and the need for cloud cover indicate it is out (and humans aren't allowed to see it?).

So far the concept sounds like this would be aimed at an audience much younger than 13+ IMO, which would mean having to modify the way it is written. Then again I
don't know how the rest of the story goes.

Well written, no complaints there, and I didn't find anything wrong with the POV, nothing jarring that could take the reader out of the story anyway.

I think the confusion (and it is confusing) is that you mean "dark" or "not there" when you say "out", but the average person saying "the moon is out" means "I can see the moon".

TheDustyZebra said:

I think the confusion (and it is confusing) is that you mean "dark" or "not there" when you say "out", but the average person saying "the moon is out" means "I can see the moon".

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Your veteran insight might well be on the money.

My question would be are you going for Omni objective or subjective. Right now you have a lot of subjective in there so I have to assume you want Omni Subjective.

Objective would have to step back and show us instead of drawing close in such a place as:

[ he trailed off unhappily] might be : he trailed of seemingly unhappy.

This part seems quite subjective.

Luna-five was shifting uncomfortably on the spot, wishing he hadn’t swapped stations. He’d loved being a Flora, but the call of the moon had been too much. It was much more boring sat up here in space. The moonscape had been wonderful at first, but there was no growing, no seasons, no green. Luna-five focussed back on Luna-six when he heard her talking to him,

Click to expand...

haha *ducks head slightly* it is supposed to be playing on the meanings of the word "out" (I do love a bit of wordplay) and it was meant in the "gone out/off/not working" sense as opposed to the verb...

The omni I'm happy with as it is really all I write in. As this is kids it is more subjective than my usual very distant style, and it does shift between characters (hopefully fairly well - I shall have to ask Dusty as seen more of it than is posted here). I just mentioned it was omni because I know an awful lot of people don't like it as it has gone out of fashion somewhat and that reason alone can make it jarring (like when I read 1st person present).

I'm glad that the main niggle is easily fixed with the moon "gone out" shall fix it (Zebra to the rescue!). The later content (this is the opening) is a bit older I think, pushing it into the next age bracket. And I think if I bulk this out and make it better that should help too.

Please do jump in with any other problems you see in it. I am more than happy for a full on, talons out (in the normal sense of the word ), shredding of my just under 500 words