One of the interludes I include in the book.
The Infection Spreads.
A normal day. Life was full of normal days though they sometimes were interrupted by the not so normal days involving weddings, burglaries
(This is to re-inforce the fact that it is not a normal day by making the reader think the shop has been burgled?), or deaths. For Margaret Simcoe this was a normal day, a normal day with a routine of getting dressed, making breakfast before seeing the kids off to school
(The name Margret makes me picture her as old, but then she sees the kids of to school and it distracts me. Making me picture someone young, but then going back to my first thought). Then when they were gone she’d watch the TV, perhaps that show on channel three with the guy who tells you what you don’t want to hear. A normal day for a normal person. Nothing to get excited or talk about.
It was Tuesday today and the man on the TV was talking to some drug taker about how he should get off the heroin and look after his kid
(Too much info about the show, keep is short and powerful like everything else you have written). It was 10:30 when this show ended and she went upstairs, showered, got ready for work. Her uniform was black with green lines across the shoulder. Her work was on the main street, the local Co-op, a shop that sold everything from pop to condoms
(This doesn't work for me. Something like pop to popcorn might, I don't know... the word condoms distracts me).
(You go from home to work, and at home she is only getting ready... include something in next para like, or even a one line just touching on the fact that there are no people as she makes the short walk to work, you know? Try and make it flow.)
A normal day changed by broken windows
(Consider re-working the last bit, does not read right for me). Broken windows shattered inwards making the day more interesting
(I doubt turning up to work with the windows smashed would be interesting..? Maybe that's just me). She pulled out her mobile phone and dialled 999. There was no connection, which was odd because normally you didn’t need a reception or credit to phone the emergency services
(Not in keeping with the rest of your work, much like the Jezza reference and drug addict. Keep it short and sharp... continue the style). Maybe they were all ready on their way. Maybe Tim
(had) already called them
(,) and was inside
(now) examining the damage. She didn’t think there would be much taken as usually when people robbed them they aimed for the cash machine to the right.
(Again another bit much like the other bits that don't fit e.g. Drug addict and emergency service part.. it looks like you fall into this when you think you have to explain something. But all it does is slow the pace down.)
The automatic doors opened and she stepped inside. “Hello?” she asked, stepping over broken glass. There was no answer, no sound at all except for the freezers in the back, humming contently to themselves. The fridge with the pop was on the floor and its contents scattered across the floor. The display of cheap wine where the window had been broken lay shattered on the ground
(The display is shattered or the wine? I know what you mean, but reads like the display.), the broken glass bathed in bloody red
(Bloody red does not work for me... like saying whitey liquid to follow.) and white liquid
(What is the white liquid? Wine? Is not white...). Not a burglary but vandalism maybe?
(If the display is in front of the window, when they broke in it would have been knocked over etc so why would this lead her to think it was vandalism?)
The further she went
(Last bit does not read right... the further she went... you mean into the shop, should make this clearer) the more the silence played on her mind and the more she grew aware of the lack of cars parked outside
(The more the silence played on her mind? It hasn't come up like it bothered her like that? This would work if we knew she was thinking about it before. The part with the cars too, you don't mention it before hand so you add thoughts in that should have been introduced earlier; that way it would make more sense.), or people on the street. Normally there were loads of people on the streets
(Goes without saying? She must have left work about 11ish, so I don't think you need this.). She paused by the juice isle and noticed the tomato juice
(Two juices, too fast. Re-work it.) pooling out of the aisle. A shape moved in the shadows.
(You should mention lighting nearer the start as she comes in, to re-inforece this part.)
“Tim is that you?”
It looked like him, the body shape
(and everything) was identical, but it was hard to tell with him facing away from her. Every so often he twitched like a bolt of electricity shot through him. “Tim?” She stepped into the juice,
but found it too sticky to be
just juice
(Two juices, too fast.. again). “Are you okay?”
No answer.
Margret reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. “Tim?”
With a snarl he turned, eyes wide and bloody teeth bared. She screamed, fought to keep him away. Her first thoughts were of rape but changed quickly to a more sobering thought. She was going to die.
(Not every woman thinks they're going to get raped at the first sign on trouble? Maybe have her slip on the "Juice" as she struggles to get free, she looks up at him, seeing his blooded teeth and wide eyes, the think she's going to die... because in the dark, having just been attacked, would she think of how he looks straight away? Wouldn't the first thing to think would be to get away? Then add description.)
They fell and as her lifeblood ebbed Margret watched the man she’d once called friend gnaw on her neck, wondering why nobody was answering her screams.
(The last part does not work at all. Lifeblood? Watched a man bite her neck? These two bits don't work for me.)
The aging mechanic placed hands on his aching back,
(grunted) grunting (with the pain shooting down his spine from) after spending hours under the mini cooper. The small garage was situated on the way out of Tow Law just before you reached the moors between here and Langley Park. The occupants of the newly built houses opposite his garage busied themselves with morning activities
(Try and break this last bit into two parts). He watched them for a moment, lost in memory.
They were mostly families, but sometimes you would get people his own age moving from the cities, hoping for a more sedate kind of life.
Sedate was something people got in plenty here, he thought, as there was no heavy traffic, a bus that appeared every three hours and beautiful countryside. Tow Law was one of those rare places that despite having not the nicest residents made up for the fact with the scenery. Surrounded on its northern side by moors stretching out into the Pennines and moors and nature reserve on its northwest side it was only the beginning of the beautiful countryside that was County Durham. It was the reason he’d moved here in the 80s; his wife had loved nature.
(Info... draws away from the story. Unless we need to know, and at that point you would have to fit into the story without whole paragraphs.)
Drinking his mug of tea and wiping oily hands on his navy blue overalls, he crouched down and slid back under the car.
(Drinking his mug of tea, but he has been down there for hours so it would be cold? This could be a nice bit of description with him drinking cold tea.) He had only been down less than a minute when he heard someone enter the garage. “Just a minute!” he called
(garages are usually open plan places where people will comes and go, this is a little aggresive. Try something like "Can I help you?" if you get my drift). He crawled back up and found himself looking up into the eyes of a Policeman. “Can I help you?”
he repeated. His eyes were white, his uniform blood
ed around the collar.
Blood coloured (we get the fact that there's blood involved... ) drool dripped down to mingle with the oil on his overalls.
(Why would drool drip down to mingle with his overalls? aren't you talking about the policeman? and if the policeman has attacked the man, this is not clear.)
The Policeman was hungry.