Help with Query Letter Synopsis

[kaufmannp]

Hi Everyone!
It's been some time since I've posted here. I've been busy with school and life and finishing a novel. I was wondering if anyone would take a look at this query letter synopsis for my science fiction YA (I think YA, it gets confusing) novel. I'm only in the first stages of querying (only 9 or so rejections), and as I outline the next book I'm trying to be proactive instead of pulling out my hair.
I'll be very grateful for your input. Thank you so much!

'World-weary war veteran John Sagis has spent the last ten years burying his guilt while serving as sheriff on the flooded world of Vaelrika. Alongside Mrs. Miriam, a former assassin running the town orphanage, John works in secret to protect eleven-year-old brothers Kyle and Alex from their perilous destiny.

John’s worst fears come true when mysterious smuggler Simon Jones is chased ashore. Fleeing a raid by mercenaries hot on Jones’ tail, John and Mrs. Miriam lead the brothers into the vast expanse of ocean known as the Deep. Setting sail aboard the war-sub Gallant, they search for a forbidden underground island, pursued at every turn by the ruthless Piter Yanig.

John must learn to let go of his past to save Kyle and Alex from Piter’s clutches, and the brothers will have to abandon illusions of adventure before they can foil a scheme to plunge the world into never-ending war.'

I'll be happy to help where I can with critiques. Thanks again!

 

[ColGray]

'World-weary war veteran John Sagis has spent the last ten years burying his guilt while serving as sheriff on the flooded world of Vaelrika.

The opening makes me wonder, Is this YA or adult? YA, 99% of the time, has a teen MC. John does not come across as a teen at all-- more like 30's or 40's.

flooded world of Vaelrika

Do i need the name? Would details on WHY the world is flooded be better?

Mrs. Miriam, a former assassin running the town orphanage

Even more not-YA -- the second name introduced is another older person, with additional details that i'm unsure are relevant (former assassin? In the war? For a gang? Privately?)

John works in secret to protect eleven-year-old brothers Kyle and Alex from their perilous destiny.

Ah-HA, we have young people! But 11 is quite young for YA and typically live in the MG genre. Not a lot of 15yo's want to read about "little kids", i.e. 11 year olds.

John’s worst fears come true when mysterious smuggler Simon Jones is chased ashore. Fleeing a raid by mercenaries hot on Jones’ tail, John and Mrs. Miriam lead the brothers into the vast expanse of ocean known as the Deep. Setting sail aboard the war-sub Gallant, they search for a forbidden underground island, pursued at every turn by the ruthless Piter Yanig.

Core of the inciting incident-- THIS THING HAPPENS and it upends our hero's world. But it reads like John is the hero, not the boys.

So many names. Simon Jones is a smuggler. Who is Piter? Why is he ruthless and why is he pursuing them? I thought they were fleeing a raid, not searching for an underground island (do you mean, underwater island?, or does the sub tunnel in the ground? I'm all sorts of confused.)

John must learn to let go of his past to save Kyle and Alex from Piter’s clutches, and the brothers will have to abandon illusions of adventure before they can foil a scheme to plunge the world into never-ending war.'

Core, of, Here is how the MC must change, but, let go of his past, is generic and tells me nothing about John or his troubles with letting the past go. And now it sounds like the twins have agency? And they're ending a scheme? What scheme?

Brutal honesty: I'd re-write this completely.

1. It has too many character names.
   1. Ms. Miriam is mentioned as a tag along, but contributes nothing to the query (as written)
   2. Do you need to name the smuggler?
   3. Is there a connection between John and Piter? If so, call it out. Otherwise, do you need Piter's name?
2. Who's the MC?
   1. Is it John? Then YA is a tough sell.
   2. Is it the twins? Then re-center the narrative on them. (though, again, 11 is young for YA)
3. Too Little Connection
   1. Who is John, specifically (not generically) and why does he care about these twins?
   2. Who is the antagonist and, specifically, Why does John care/do they care about John?
   3. Why is it personal?
   4. Why should I (the reader) care?
4. Too little voice
   1. Again, who is John specifically? Give his voice and focus on the important details.

Example: John barely survived the war that melted the ice caps and flooded the world. Every day he works to atone for his choices and he'll be damned if some two-bit smuggler is gonna blow up his half-acre of heaven.

1. Structure
   1. You've got bits of a good structure, but it's muddy and incomplete.
   2. Good baseline is:
      1. Guy with a problem
      2. Thing That Upends Their Normal
      3. Reaction and Change
      4. Raise the Stakes / Dark Night of the Soul / Impossible Choice
      5. Cliffhanger
   3. You're trying to show that you understand story structure, have a compelling narrative and can show character development.

Hope this helps. Happy to chat.

 

[kaufmannp]

Thank you! That's exceptionally helpful and a lot of really good points. I absolutely appreciate brutal honesty! The MG/YA/Adult problem has been a little thorny for me. My narrative is more James Luceno than Peter Hamilton and I worry it comes across as too unserious, if that makes sense.
Thanks again!

 

[ColGray]

It's been a minute (or a decade or two) since i read any robotech stuff, but IIRC those weren't like... kid themed or YA, just with simpler language and plotlines. Very RA Salvatore / Forgotten Realms / Piers Anthony / Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman type novels (though, please chime in if I'm not remembering that correctly!)

If your book is adult but easy reading, that's fine! There's a huge market for that! There's a really good reason Luceno wrote like 50 of them -- they sold! But you might frame it that way.

XYZ is a PG-13 mass market fantasy in the vein of James Luceno, RA Salvatore and LE Modesit and will appeal to readers teen and above without being overtly YA.

I know the common advice is not to use comps that are more than 5 yrs old, so, if you have a more recent comp, hey, go for it, but I wouldn't try and shift genres with an obvious mismatch to try and avoid an "unserious" comparison.

 

[therapist]

I found this hard to follow.

Setting sail aboard the war-sub Gallant, they search for a forbidden underground island, pursued at every turn by the ruthless Piter Yanig.

Why are they searching for a forbidden island? And why are they being pursued by Piter. And who is Piter? And what will happen if Piter catches them?

Additionally, I found the first paragraph completely unneccesary. I would start with the second paragraph and try and explain the questions above. As Colgray mentioned, way too many names. Leave Miriam out of this. And focus on the MC.

I would recommend reading through a bunch of queries here Query Shark (a blog by an actual working agent who posts the queries she is sent and critiques them (and explains why most fail))
I've been on my own query writting mission lately. So I understand how tough it is.

 

[kaufmannp]

Thank you both so much! Below are some changes I made to the query letter synopsis:


Ten years have passed since the oppressive Corporate Authority was swept from power over a flooded world. In its wake stands John Sagis. Some call him a hero. Others say traitor. The ones who‘ve seen his worst call him Fiară: ‘the beast’. Serving as sheriff in a small town, John struggles to bury his guilt and keep a promise while watching over two young brothers orphaned by war.

When a mysterious smuggler is chased ashore by bloodthirsty mercenaries, John realizes the haven he guards is no longer safe. He joins forces with a retired assassin, leading the brothers into that vast expanse of ocean known as the Deep. Setting sail aboard a formidable war-sub, they join a rescue mission to a forbidden island.

A ruthless warlord pursues them at every turn, obsessed with fulfilling an apocalyptic prophecy. John’s old nature resurfaces when one of his charges is kidnapped. His struggle to overcome the past becomes the tipping point in a clash to save the world from never-ending warfare. Can John set aside a decade’s worth of anger and regret, or will he allow past failures to shape a dark future?

This story combines themes of emotional growth and survivor’s guilt with found family and submarine thrillers, comparable to Ernest Cline’s Armada and James L. Cambias’ A Darkling Sea.


I want to be respectful of your time and your attention, but I truly appreciate your notes! Thanks again!

 

[therapist]

Removing all the names makes this a lot clearer. Although I still don't think it's working just yet. These sentences flagged my attention.

Ten years have passed since the oppressive Corporate Authority was swept from power over a flooded world.

Why is your first sentence about the Corporate Authority? We have no idea who they are, and they don't resurface in this query, so you don't need to mention them. Your first sentence should be about John. I still think you're better off scrapping that first paragraph and leading with the second. Starting with action is always better than 68 words of set-up and description.

When a mysterious smuggler is chased ashore by bloodthirsty mercenaries, John realizes the haven he guards is no longer safe.

Why would a mysterious smuggler cause John to flee? If its just the mercenaries that John is afraid of, you can just say "When mercenaries raid his town, John is forced to flee."

A ruthless warlord pursues them at every turn, obsessed with fulfilling an apocalyptic prophecy.

This description and motivation feels very generic and cliche. You are trying to entice an agent to request your manuscript, they are looking for things that grab their attention. They want vivid writing. Also, the warlord seems to come out of nowhere with no connection to the previous paragraphs. Is the warlord after John or does he want to stop the sub from reaching the forbidden island? What will he do if he catches them? ie what's at stake here?

His struggle to overcome the past becomes the tipping point in a clash to save the world from never-ending warfare. Can John set aside a decade’s worth of anger and regret, or will he allow past failures to shape a dark future?

These two sentences say the exact same thing. Basically: John must overcome his past to save the world. I think this is too generic and abstract to attract an agent. If you read this on the back of a book, would you buy the book? Or would you put it back on the shelf and not think about it again? It tells me nothing of what John is facing. Also he seems to no longer care about that kid that got kidnapped. Maybe try focussing on that and what specifically stands in his way.

I want to be respectful of your time and your attention

Keep the reqrites coming, I'm more than happy to keep critiquing. It's a lot easier to critique your query letter than to polish my own! I feel that it was easier to write my book than writing my query. I would urge you spend a few hours reading the queries from this blog Query Shark it will give you a better idea of what an agent is looking for.

 

[ColGray]

Totally agree with @therapist. The second paragraph is a better in and the motivations (for John and the warlord) become bland and cliché quickly.

The voice in the first paragraph is good, though. I wonder if you can condense and distill it to give both history and voice

Veteran of a war that left the world flooded, he was known by many titles. Hero. Traitor. The Beast. But he left those behind, preferring his new monikers: Sherriff and father.

Tell us why the smuggler/merc is an issue -- and what does the warlord want? Is it John specific? Does he have knowledge about the forbidden island that the warlord wants?

I'd also drop the prophecy call out-- reading Manuscript Wishlist, the number of agents who specifically call out, Don't send me "chosen one" or "dark prophecy", is a bit staggering. It's also a boring motivation: I'll burn the world because a prophecy told me to <yawn>, vs, A ruthless warlord, having finally located John, pursues him relentlessly, believing he's the key to retrieving pre-war super weaponry (or whatever suitably important McGuffin it is)

 

[Astro Pen]

Hi @kaufmannp
Well, you have taken bit of a hammering. Top marks for taking it on the chin, I know it is not easy.
Now I'm not going to dissect anything but the number one thing to bear in mind is what the synopsis is for.
Agents and publishers are business people and they want to know whether your novel is going to hold up story wise. They often receive hundreds of submissions a month and simply do not have the time to read the whole book to find out how the plot holds up and resolves. So you give them the synopsis so they can decide whether it is worth their effort to read it all.
Your novel opening pages (and a random dip) will tell them your style and maturity as a writer. If they like it at that point the sysnopsis tells them whether it is right for them structurally.
I understand fully the temptation to write the synopsis as a condensed stylistic novel but that is not its purpose. They already know your style, now they want the bare structure of the story.
I receive regular advice and commentary from Jericho Writers.
Here is their Harry Bingham giving us the lowdown on synopses. I haven't watched it yet I hope it reflects my advice above or I will look dumb LoL
See what you think

 

[ColGray]

@Astro Pen that's an interesting video/idea -- it's basically writing a synopsis via a mini Foolscap. I like it.

I do want to be clear that there are two distinct items under discussion, though: Synopsis vs Query

Query: Sales pitch to show an agent your style, voice and that you can entice readers (either through your work or through your history/name, or both)

Synopsis: Demonstration of arc, plot, character development of the book showing a complete work with compelling characters and engaging plot.

The two inform and are informed by one another, but they're distinct.

 

[kaufmannp]

Great notes, everyone! I appreciate the help, and it doesn't come across at all as hammering. Workshopping is my favorite way to improve, and this is lots better then a fellow student writer telling me, "I liked it."
Below are some changes I made based on your notes and a few lengthy visits to Query Shark (and thanks for that advice, therapist!)

In a world of water and stone, submarines travel the depths for commerce or conflict. For centuries tyrants dominated that vast expanse known as the Deep, before heroes like John Sagis swept them from power.
Indifferent to those who name him champion or traitor, John buries his trauma while serving as a small town sheriff and watching over two young brothers orphaned by war.
Pursued by bloodthirsty mercenaries, a mysterious smuggler warns John of the ruthless mute Piter Yanig and his vengeful crusade. Realizing the haven he guards is no longer safe, John joins forces with a retired assassin and leads the brothers into the Deep.
John’s old nature resurfaces when Piter kidnaps one of the brothers. A desperate rescue leads to a fortress hidden far beneath the surface, where a rogue scientist is only steps away from restoring a forgotten weapon and rekindling the fires of war.
Here, John’s struggle to overcome his past becomes the tipping point in a clash to save the world from never-ending warfare and protect the family he never knew he wanted.

This is a 101k MS, with lots of characters and multiple POV's, so narrowing it down to one MC has been a difficult hurdle. Distilling the plot to a >178 word blurb is likewise challenging, but I absolutely appreciate the help!

 

[msstice]

I've never written a query. I've only read this version of your blurb. Is this for a synopsis or a query blurb. I gather from the internet that a synopsis is much longer and tells the complete plot. This is more like a blurb. https://www.writersdigest.com/whats-new/tips-for-queriers-the-query-the-synopsis-and-the-first-page

My main issue with this blurb is that the ideas did not fully fit together logically. Perhaps that is not needed for a blurb.

submarines travel the depths for commerce or conflict

This describes an important aspect of the world but I can't tell why its important. I'm currently thinking of waterworld.

John buries his trauma while serving as a small town sheriff

Is John on the surface? The image in my head is a western town with tumble weeds because of the key words (and the vibe). This is different from what I was primed for by talk of a world where people have to travel by submarine

Pursued by bloodthirsty mercenaries, a mysterious smuggler warns John of the ruthless mute Piter Yanig and his vengeful crusade.

Not clear why the person is on a crusade.

John joins forces with a retired assassin and leads the brothers into the Deep.

Why is John on the surface and why would hiding in the Deep help? Is it because it's so vast?

a fortress hidden far beneath the surface where a rogue scientist is only steps away from restoring a forgotten weapon and rekindling the fires of war.

Is the main story just starting after this? Is all this incidental to John stumbling over the dangerous plot? Or do the characters introduced so far: The Smuggler, The Mute and The Brothers all take part in the denouement with the mad scientist?

Something needs to flow better, but I'm sorry I can't be more precise.

 

[ColGray]

In a world of water and stone, submarines travel the depths for commerce or conflict. For centuries tyrants dominated that vast expanse known as the Deep, before heroes like John Sagis swept them from power.
Indifferent to those who name him champion or traitor, John buries his trauma while serving as a small town sheriff and watching over two young brothers orphaned by war.

I like the changes, but this is too many disparate items loosely tied together and I'm bumping on multiple parts here.
1) Our world has water and stone, what's the difference?
2) Commerce and conflict is legit good alliteration, but why are subs traveling and not surface ships? Are there underwater cities? Raging surface storms? I'd rather know that than anything a bout water and stone--because that is detail about your world.
3) "before heroes like john swept them from power" is both too broad (and therefore boring) and not hooky -- there's no mystery of how or why or motivation. <Shrug> Oh, you know John <eyeroll> he hates tyrants. What motivated John.
4) I struggle with, "buries his trauma". On the one hand, yep. Got it. I know a lot about that character very quickly and can infer even more (self-medication, nightmares, flashbacks). OTOH, again, I want to know what John traded for that. What did he do/see to earn that trauma and why is he dealing with it via the ol' whiteknuckle.
5) "watching over" vs parenting. I actually really like that you don't say parenting or adopting. It's a thoughtful, Oh, huh, I wonder why. But again, Why is John drawn to these two kids? Why twins? Is it guilt over the parents? Is he a twin? I'm not sure there's a better way to write it, but the refrain of, What motivates John, should factor into this-- especially as they're in the inciting action/complication.

I totally feel you on the multi-POV struggle (you can see my own thread on it) as queries seem to despise multi-POV books.

 

[kaufmannp]

Here's my latest querying effort, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

FATHOMS UNCHARTED is my debut science fiction novel, complete at 101k words.

The underwater setting of Fathoms Uncharted is comparable to Ken Levine’s video game Bioshock, while the plot includes coming-of-age and found family themes similar to Ernest Cline’s Armada.

On the flooded world of Vaelrika, submarines travel the depths for commerce or conflict. For centuries tyrants dominated that vast expanse known as the Deep, their rule reinforced by soldiers like John Sagis, before he joined an alliance to sweep them from power.

John, indifferent to those who name him champion or traitor, now buries his guilt while serving as a small town sheriff and keeping his promise to watch over two young brothers orphaned by war.

When bloodthirsty mercenaries chase a mysterious smuggler ashore, upending ten years of tentative peace, John realizes the haven he guards is no longer safe. Donning a uniform he once forswore, John leads the brothers to perceived safety aboard a war-sub bound on a secret mission.

Amid a reunion of old comrades, John is tasked with rescuing a covert research expedition before their presence becomes known. The mission stretches John’s promise as he’s torn between protecting the brothers and preventing a war.

John’s old nature resurfaces when one of the brothers is kidnapped. A desperate rescue leads to a fortress hidden far beneath the surface, where the discovery of a forgotten weapon threatens to rekindle the fires of war.

Here, John’s struggle to overcome his past becomes the tipping point in a clash to save the world from never-ending warfare and protect the family he never knew he wanted.

By the way, I met with an agent this morning and their comments largely reflected suggestions in this thread, so THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your help, it's been truly spot-on!
I will be happily hammered upon to develop my writing. Y'all are awesome!

 

[ColGray]

Read it and thinking, but my initial thoughts are, a) It takes way too long to focus on John, b) don't start with a comp.

Other quick reaction, the Bioshock reference makes me think of underwater dome labs. "When a bloodthirsty mercenary chases a mysterious smuggler ashore" sounds like land, not a dome (and i think you've mentioned islands before?) (also, too many adjectives: When mercenaries chase a <something better than mysterious> smuggler ashore...)

Congrats on the agent meet!