Query letter synopsis

[therapist]

Imagine you're a literary agent and you recieve a query letter with this 250 word plot synopsis to a fantasy book named 'Shroom Circles'. Does it pique your interest? Ideally it should hook the reader while giving a clear overview of the tone, setting, main character journey, and core conflicts.

—

Since childhood, Caruso has been inexplicably drawn to the shroom circles—a vast series of concentric mushroom circles, filled with fantastical fungi.

A timid bookworm, Caruso divides his time between the library and the outer circles, deepening his knowledge of the mushroom forest. Yet he remains oblivious to the secrets of the inner circles, guarded for millenia by the Foresters.

While gathering shrooms in the outer circles, a bizarre event results in Caruso being taken into the inner circles to be inducted into the Foresters. Seizing the chance to further his knowledge and live in the wondrous mushroom forest, Caruso begins his training with the potent skillshrooms, researching into the horrific effects of the new animashroom, all the while struggling to find his place amongst the Foresters.

When the Foresters enthusiastically execute members of the Urqaani—a religious mushroom cult—Caruso doesn’t question the killings. And eventually, he too, is coerced into taking Urqaani lives—an act he finds strangely empowering. While Caruso remains blind to the sinister path he treads, he unveils the shocking secrets the Foresters are guarding: The Foresters and the shroom circles are not of this world, they are soon departing to a new planet. Caruso must join them or abandon the mushroom forest for good.

After connecting with the Urqaani, Caruso sees the bigger picture and confronts the shadows the Foresters have cast upon him. Caruso has always been drawn to the shroom circles, but he now understands he must forge his own path to the centre.

—

My fear is that I have left out a potentially interesting plot point. In that Caruso's good friend is an Urqaani and at the end, the Foresters are about to execute him, and Caruso turns on the Foresters by heroically saving him. But I was also worried about making this too long and adding too many details. What are your thoughts?

 

[ColGray]

Hi,

Is this the query or the synopsis? I think it needs work either way, but the intent will drive what type of editing may be helpful.

(I should share that while I've done minimal querying and pulled active queries after receiving an R&R, query letters and query packages have been top of mind for me for a couple months now and I've tried to read everything I can find on the subject, so this is likely a lot of advice with minimal real experience to back it up!)

I think QueryShark put it as, The best query letter synopsis are the ones that go from agent, to sub to the back of the book--if you're in a store and you read this synopsis, are you buying or shelving it?

Questions I had after reading:

You say, Fantasy. Is it adult, YA, MG Fantasy? What's the word count?
Is Caruso a mushroom person? A human? Something else? What are the Urqaani?
Where does Caruso live and was he Urqaani before? He's at the library all the time, which implies at least a modest town with means.
What is the tech level of this world? Agrarian?

General Feedback

• It's a good baseline, but I'd give it some more thought and editing.
• It is very low lingo for SF/F-- i think only three terms specific to you -- which is great.
• You've got a good basic structure for a query letter but need to refine it.
• I don't get a lot of voice, mainly a lot of telling.
• I don't know anything about who Caruso is other than he's impressionable and likes shrooming.
  • What age is Caruso?
  • Does he have friends? Family?
  • Is he married? Does he have children?
  • Does he work or is he in school or an apprentice?
• I have no feel for the world.
  • I don't know if there are people or mushroom-people or both or something else. I don't know how many people there are and if he lives in a town, in a city/agropolis/empire/colony.
  • Is space travel common? Is that a thing or is the idea of leaving the world inconceivable to the average person?
  • Are there more than one type of person? Are the mushroom circles big/little/medium? Are the mushrooms in the circles normal sized or different? Is the Mushroom Forest a forest with mushrooms, or a forest of mushrooms?

Much of this is easily remedied. Ex: Caruso, 16 and a student at ShroomU, etc

Assuming this is part of the query letter:

Structure
QueryShark and /r/pub groups push a fairly consistent structure, regardless of one or many POV's in the story.
Hero Who Need Something --> Life Altering Event --> Response/New Normal --> Stakes Raise -- Response --> Climax -->Cliffhanger

If the conceit of the world cannot be explained while also explaining, Hero Who Needs Something, add a sentence but be precise.

Show v Tell

Since childhood, Caruso has been inexplicably drawn to the shroom circles—a vast series of concentric mushroom circles, filled with fantastical fungi.

A timid bookworm, Caruso divides his time between the library and the outer circles, deepening his knowledge of the mushroom forest. Yet he remains oblivious to the secrets of the inner circles, guarded for millenia by the Foresters.

Hero Who Stuff Happens To But Who Doesn't Need Anything
It's a lot of tell and no show. Are the Foresters known? What are they guarding? From whom are they guarding? Are they known or legendary/mythical?

The same is true throughout.

While gathering shrooms in the outer circles, a bizarre event results in Caruso being taken into the inner circles to be inducted into the Foresters. Seizing the chance to further his knowledge and live in the wondrous mushroom forest,

Life Altering Event Stage
"bizarre event" is a yawner. Make it active. Make it tense. He's whisked away by ___. He witness a ___ and is taken____. It's a chance to both show and juxtapose bookworm/receding personality with active engagement-- he fights to remain and learn their ways, etc. Does he say goodbye to his old life? Does he just disappear? Are there people looking for him? (And does that matter to the story?)

Caruso begins his training with the potent skillshrooms, researching into the horrific effects of the new animashroom, all the while struggling to find his place amongst the Foresters.

Response/New Normal
Find his place among the Foresters sounds like MG or YA to me?

Skillshrooms and animashrooms feel like titles and probably need to be capitalized--though I think it could be removed entirely as they are meaningless details to anyone who hasn't read it. Something like, Caruso trains with Shroom Castes/Guilds/Schools/etc could work, but you kind of covered that earlier when he decides to remain and learn from them.

When the Foresters enthusiastically execute members of the Urqaani—a religious mushroom cult—Caruso doesn’t question the killings. And eventually, he too, is coerced into taking Urqaani lives—an act he finds strangely empowering.

Again, too much detail, we don't need to know they're a religious mushroom cult. Are they executing them (implies punishment for crime and/or genocidal cleansing) or are they sacrificing them (implying religious connotation, Spores for the mushroom god, etc) and you can show this -- With X Stage of his training complete, Caruso is invited to partake in ritual sacrifice of Urqaani, another Shroom Tribe and enjoys the power of their deaths.

While Caruso remains blind to the sinister path he treads, he unveils the shocking secrets the Foresters are guarding: The Foresters and the shroom circles are not of this world, they are soon departing to a new planet. Caruso must join them or abandon the mushroom forest for good.

Stakes Raised
There's a lot about this sentence that makes me struggle. After being coerced, he murdered someone, ritualistically, and found the killing to be empowering, but was blind to that being bad/evil/sinister? If willful blindness is important, I'd say that -- that's interesting. If he's just like, shrug, Dead Urqaani give me the juice, why's that a problem? that's also interesting, but I wouldn't say that blindness: he's changed. As it is written, there is no struggle or internal conflict.

I'm also unsure if Caruso's stakes are expressed meaningfully because he sounds like a person with no friends or family or ties to not-Foresters, so his choices come across as, Leave with my friends or stay here alone forever.

After connecting with the Urqaani, Caruso sees the bigger picture and confronts the shadows the Foresters have cast upon him. Caruso has always been drawn to the shroom circles, but he now understands he must forge his own path to the centre.

Climax & Cliffhanger

You need a why -- there's been no hint of struggle yet, so why is he connecting with the Urqaani now? How does he see the bigger picture? Has he rejected the Foresters as evil? Is he seeking to change them? Prevent them from leaving? What does, Forge his own path to the center, mean? The center of the forest? The political center?


Sorry if this comes across as picking it apart, i'm just trying to call out areas of confusion to try and be helpful. Happy to chat if that's helpful for you.

 

[therapist]

Sorry if this comes across as picking it apart

That's why I posted it here. Thank you so much for such a thorough response.

Is this the query or the synopsis?

It was the plot synopsis that goes into the query letter.

"bizarre event" is a yawner.

Yeah that seems obvious to me now. Good catch. I think I was trying to be vague to explain things in minimal amount of words.

So many good points you raise here. You've given such a great response. I'm going to go back to the drawing board and try again. But I can't help but get the feeling that if I took on all your advice and cleared up all the confusion and details, then my synopsis would be well over 300 words. Even coming up with this 250 word was a seemingly impossible task. Feels like i'm fighting an uphill battle being a fantasy novel with a world that needs a bit of explaining.
I read a lot of query synopses from here. 161 examples of successful query letters and it seems like the synopses are never much over 250 words. Do you think 250 is the right target to aim for?

 

[ColGray]

Glad it was helpful!

250 is a good target but i think word count is less important than whether it moves the reader to want to read the book. The query is also where you want to showcase editing skills and your ability to reduce a story into precise, engaging lines (which will forever be a struggle for nearly every writer!).

My suggestion is to write out the critical points, showcasing your voice, ignoring word count and then edit in stages. Hemingway it: cut 10%. Then 5%. Then repeat and so on until you get to your wordcount. It isn't one pass, but many, smaller passes. How do you compress? Distill? It treats editing like stairs-- you don't need to cover the distance in one go, but you can take it a bit at a time. FWIW, I started around 250 and I'm at 177 at the moment. Keep going: you'll get there.

Got it re: query synopsis. There's a lot of agents that want:
1) Query Letter
2) First 3/5/10 pages
3) Full synopsis, including all reveals/twists, in between 1000-1250 words, focused on showing plotting, pacing and outcomes.

 

[msstice]

@ColGray has given superb and detailed feedback, I don't know if I can match that, but I can give an impression of something that is not optimal.

The initial talk of mushrooms puts me in the mood of a light hearted tale. It's just a prior I have regarding the word "mushroom". So at first I'm thinking it may be a YA comedy. The word murder (actually sounds like mass slaughter) jarred me. It sounds like the book deals with heavy topics, especially now the POV character is engaging in said mass slaughter. So the book took a sudden dark turn.

Is the fact that these things are mushrooms important? Could you describe it has a forbidden forest and these as magical plants. I don't know. Just a very personal impression.

PS. Also, the fact that the foresters come from a different planet felt out of place to me. The middle sounds like (dark) fantasy but the use of another planet puts me in the mind of SF. I'm not a big fantasy reader, but I think the analog terminology in fantasy is "different plane" or something like that.

Again, your story your way. Just impressions.

 

[THX1138]

I was going to give this a go, but after reading @ColGray post and reply, I feel like I just went through a Master Class!

But like @msstice said, at first it sounds like its a YS story, then it goes dark. And it sounds like a SF and F blend.

 

[therapist]

I feel like I just went through a Master Class!

You and me both.

PS. Also, the fact that the foresters come from a different planet felt out of place to me.

That's good to know, I was weary of that feeling out of place. And like @THX1138 said, made it feel SF.

Thanks for your comments. I'm currently writing the whole thing again from scratch. Will post it back here when i'm done.

 

[HareBrain]

The initial talk of mushrooms puts me in the mood of a light hearted tale. It's just a prior I have regarding the word "mushroom".

Me too, probably because for the past twenty or so years, "mushroom" to me has always meant this:

(Which is ironic, as the "mushroom" depicted in the video is fly agaric, a toadstool.)

Anyway, nonsense aside, I think this is a valid point. "Shroom circles" puts me in mind of a gathering in a hippie squat in sixties London. However, I have to say, from a personal perspective, I think *maybe* the apparent conflict in tone within the synopsis works. The ideas do pique my interest, and it feels like it would be an original read. The downside is that it feels muddled and Caruso a bit of a weak and passive protagonist. I can't add to ColGray's excellent and thorough advice, and will be interested to see a revision.

 

[therapist]

Reading back my original, it's very clear to me why it doesn't work. It feels unfocused. I have since gone deep into the query letter rabbit hole, so hopefully this one reads a little better. It clocks in at 266 words, which is slightly on the long side.

—

Caruso has studied every scroll about the concentric Mushroom Circles. But there’s a gap in his knowledge because the innermost circles are sacredly guarded by two ancient mushroom cults.

Caruso is teaching his only friend, Webber, in the densely forested outer circles when they are caught between the two warring cults. Caruso cowers up a tree watching the strange fight. He witnesses the cultists summoning mycelium from the ground, then shaping it into snares, whips, and walls. Caruso loses his grip on reality—and his tree—and falls into the clutches of the Forester cult.

They take him to the inner circles. He doesn’t struggle; the Foresters are too powerful. Webber tries desperately—and foolishly—to charge after him, but the rival cult intervenes.

Caruso is given a choice. Forget all he saw and return to his limp old life. Or train to become a Forester—they claim he has latent strength in the mushroom arts. Caruso has never been strong, nor part of a brotherhood. But his desire blinds him to their lies. They don’t want Caruso for his strength. They want him because he is weak and will obey their orders.

The Foresters inure Caruso to violence. He doesn’t question it when they torture rival cultists, nor when he is ordered to deal the killing blow. He expects to feel repulsed. Instead he feels empowered, reborn, eager to continue treading his darkening path. Eager to help the Foresters defend whatever it is they are defending.

Meanwhile, Webber stands with the rival cult, armed with powerful knowledge and not-so-powerful allies. They are resolved to cleanse the Mushroom Circles of Foresters.

 

[therapist]

Caruso a bit of a weak and passive protagonist.

That is a worry I have, he sounds a bit weak/passive in this revised version too. I think there might be a way to make the penultimate paragraph sound more active. Instead of 'He doesn't question it' make it sound more like he makes a decision. What do you think?

 

[THX1138]

Hello Therapist! Your new version does read better. But I took the liberty at make a few suggestions.
I don't know the story as well as you, but I do hope they help.
Great job!

He witnesses the cultists summoning mycelium from the ground, then shaping it into snares, whips, and walls. Caruso loses his grip on reality—and his tree—and falls into the clutches of the Forester cult.

He witnesses the cultists summoning mycelium from the ground, shaping it into various weapons and fortifications. As Caruso loses his grip on reality, he falls from the tree and into the clutches of the Forester cult.

They take him to the inner circles. He doesn’t struggle; the Foresters are too powerful. Webber tries desperately—and foolishly—to charge after him, but the rival cult intervenes.

Weakened by the effect of the spores, the Foresters easily take him captive and to the inner circles of the Mushroom Forest. Webber tries desperately to charge after him, but the rival cult soon intervenes.

Caruso is given a choice. Forget all he saw and return to his limp old life. Or train to become a Forester—they claim he has latent strength in the mushroom arts. Caruso has never been strong, nor part of a brotherhood. But his desire blinds him to their lies. They don’t want Caruso for his strength. They want him because he is weak and will obey their orders.

Caruso is given a choice; Forget all he saw and return to his limp old life. Or train to become a Forester. Caruso has never been strong, nor part of a brotherhood and he has a strong desire to master the skills and ways of the Mushroom Arts, so agrees to join them. But his desire blinds him to their lies. They don’t want Caruso for his strength. They want him because he will obey their orders, without a single thought or question.

The Foresters inure Caruso to violence. He doesn’t question it when they torture rival cultists, nor when he is ordered to deal the killing blow. He expects to feel repulsed. Instead he feels empowered, reborn, eager to continue treading his darkening path. Eager to help the Foresters defend whatever it is they are defending.

The Foresters begin to accustom Caruso in their violence ways, and he doesn’t question any torture he witnesses or when ordered to deal the killing blow. He expects to feel repulsed, instead he feels empowered and eager to continue following his darkening path. Caruso longs to help the Foresters in their plans to protect the dark secrets that not even he knows of.

Meanwhile, Webber stands with the rival cult, armed with powerful knowledge and not-so-powerful allies. They are resolved to cleanse the Mushroom Circles of Foresters.

Meanwhile, Webber joins with the rival cult that are armed with powerful knowledge and not-so-powerful allies. They are resolved to cleanse the Mushroom Circles of Foresters, and at some point, Caruso and Webber may have to face each other.

 

[ColGray]

Reading back my original, it's very clear to me why it doesn't work. It feels unfocused. I have since gone deep into the query letter rabbit hole, so hopefully this one reads a little better. It clocks in at 266 words, which is slightly on the long side.

—

Caruso has studied every scroll about the concentric Mushroom Circles. But there’s a gap in his knowledge because the innermost circles are sacredly guarded by two ancient mushroom cults.

Caruso is teaching his only friend, Webber, in the densely forested outer circles when they are caught between the two warring cults. Caruso cowers up a tree watching the strange fight. He witnesses the cultists summoning mycelium from the ground, then shaping it into snares, whips, and walls. Caruso loses his grip on reality—and his tree—and falls into the clutches of the Forester cult.

They take him to the inner circles. He doesn’t struggle; the Foresters are too powerful. Webber tries desperately—and foolishly—to charge after him, but the rival cult intervenes.

Caruso is given a choice. Forget all he saw and return to his limp old life. Or train to become a Forester—they claim he has latent strength in the mushroom arts. Caruso has never been strong, nor part of a brotherhood. But his desire blinds him to their lies. They don’t want Caruso for his strength. They want him because he is weak and will obey their orders.

The Foresters inure Caruso to violence. He doesn’t question it when they torture rival cultists, nor when he is ordered to deal the killing blow. He expects to feel repulsed. Instead he feels empowered, reborn, eager to continue treading his darkening path. Eager to help the Foresters defend whatever it is they are defending.

Meanwhile, Webber stands with the rival cult, armed with powerful knowledge and not-so-powerful allies. They are resolved to cleanse the Mushroom Circles of Foresters.

It definitely reads more as a more mature novel, but, I agree Caruso still sounds passive. I'd either lean into that and make it a turning point -- he's passive until XYZ happens -- or reframe it.

You're also giving a way a lot of the tension with your framing-- you call out that the Foresters are evil and that they want him because he's passive. Making that a question maintains the tension and deepens it.

They take him to the inner circles. He doesn’t struggle; the Foresters are too powerful. Webber tries desperately—and foolishly—to charge after him, but the rival cult intervenes.

I think you can cut this.

Caruso is given a choice. Forget all he saw and return to his limp old life. Or train to become a Forester—they claim he has latent strength in the mushroom arts. Caruso has never been strong, nor part of a brotherhood. But his desire blinds him to their lies. They don’t want Caruso for his strength. They want him because he is weak and will obey their orders.

Taken inside the sacred circles, Caruso is given a choice: return to his limp old life, or embrace the cycle/change/something, and become one of them. But do they want him for him for his latent connection to the mycillium, or because he's eager to learn?

The Foresters inure Caruso to violence. He doesn’t question it when they torture rival cultists, nor when he is ordered to deal the killing blow. He expects to feel repulsed. Instead he feels empowered, reborn, eager to continue treading his darkening path. Eager to help the Foresters defend whatever it is they are defending.

Trained in their arts and ways, Caruso embraces Forester magic and ritual, reborn with the power inherent in human sacrifice. He is unquestioningly one of them -- until he sees Webber with the rival cultists, his best friend supporting his enemies.

You can make that a twist again -- Here's a person that wants something, Here's a thing that happens to them that changes that status quo/desire, Here's how they grow, Here's a twist, Here's a cliffhanger.

It's a better structure and query, but i'd keep tweaking.

 

[msstice]

The internet tells me that "a synopsis is a one-to two-page description of the entire plot of your book, including the ending" Is this what you are aiming for?

The revision reads better but I feel it doesn't provide the correct emphasis and it doesn't show the ending. Your version shows the plot of the first third or so of the book (I'm guessing) but perhaps it should focus more on salient aspects of the character journey, their conflicts and important parts of world building.

Of all the things in your query I was most impressed by the description of the actual mushroom magic. That's pretty innovative I think. That should stay and I suggest finding more things in the character arc that stand out like that.

 

[therapist]

I think you can cut this.

Good catch. I was trying to add in character, but it's not very interesting or important.

I'd either lean into that and make it a turning point -- he's passive until XYZ happens -- or reframe it.

That's good advice. Having a passive MC was the death of a lot of queries on the queryshark blog.

It's a better structure and query, but i'd keep tweaking.

Thank you. Great feedback as usual.

I don't know the story as well as you, but I do hope they help.
Great job!

Thanks THX, always nice to have alternative phrasings written by someone a lot more competant than chatGPT!

The internet tells me that "a synopsis is a one-to two-page description of the entire plot of your book, including the ending" Is this what you are aiming for?

I got it wrong initially by calling it a synopsis. I didn't really understand what query letters were. But now I know a query letter is supposed to be more akin to a back cover blurb. Something that entices the agent to read more. It should normally just cover the first act and hint at what will come and what type of book it will be.