~520 words -- too bleak for an opening?

[Phyrebrat]

This is the new opening for A Sour Ground (don't roll your eyes, yes I know it's been 11 years...)

One of the POVs' (Redd Sommer) arc is dealing with the loss of her twins (around 7-10 years old -- not important), and Redd and her husband moving house from the New Forest (a place analogous to Bransgore to those who know Dorset) to Kyngesmouth (Bournemouth).

Not so much a crit as a sort of straw poll. If it's too bleak I'll change back to the other POV's' (Willie) opening which atm happens after this, in London.

nb: Line breaks added for ease of reading.

Redd Sommer waited for the two detectives to walk down the short, red-bricked pathway leading to the front gate of the cottage before she closed the front door. Despite everything, she felt stupidly compelled to display decent etiquette as they left. No tears — she couldn’t even if she wanted to — and no weakness. It was a ridiculous act, and one she couldn’t explain. Grief made fools of the bereaved. And the optimist.

Grief.

The word itself was insufficient. Too small, too contained and precise. It didn’t come close to describing the roiling sea inside that was, at the same time, a stagnant, flat, unplumbable lake. Losing the twins — not even knowing where they were — was more than a stupid ****ing word.

Grief.

Such a trite way of defining loss; grief was what you had when Grandpa died at ninety-one, or when the old duchess who sat everyday at the Wilts & Dorset bus stop for the X1 to Loewe, stopped showing up. It was the loss of the family golden retriever after eighteen years.

This wasn’t grief.

It was violation. It was hate — for her and Bo, not from them. It was the gears of reality meshing so the cogs ground each other down and placed good people in the unimaginable. It was proof that life was made up of equations and numbers, and nothing else. No God, just eternal entropy.
‘Baby,’ Bo said, appearing from behind and curling a thickly haired forearm around her belly. She leant back into him, staring through the warped bulls-eyed glass of the front door, and breathed in the stench of weed as he exhaled.

‘They’ve gone,’ she said, needlessly, nodding to the amorphous blue smudges retreating through the glass. She didn’t trust herself to say anything else. At least he wasn’t trying to reassure her that after four days, James and Jillian would show up at the front door.
Tricked you, mummy!

Nausea had become an emotion; she turned in to Bo, buried her head in the nook between his jaw and shoulder, her eyes as dry as his were wet. If only she could cry. Even squeezing out one teardrop was impossible.

She hid in Bo’s darkness. Outside, the sounds of the odd car trundled past, down Gorse Lane on its way to Christchurch or Kyngesmouth, probably after a day out in the New Forest with the kids; the crunch of tyres on gravel as they pulled into Gallowsgrene Inn that sat opposite the cottage at the crossroads that was Gorse village. She hated those families for having one.

Bo said nothing. It reassured her in a small way that she still felt something. Her love for him. He knew her so well, knew that there was no point in doing anything other than being together, silent. The pair of them observing each other and just being.

Is that what grief was? Being?

Without words they both turned and made their way up the crooked, precipitous staircase to their bedroom and fell on the bed together, a pair of still bodies in foetal contraction, and she waited for the being to finish.

 

[AllanR]

It didn't seem over the top or anything to me.
It does set an expectation of a tone, so it depends on what the rest of the story is like/about.

 

[PadreTX]

I didn't find it too bleak.

A few times I had to push myself to continue reading. Perhaps that was from no conversation in this.

 

[Swank]

For those of us who haven't been monitoring you for the last 11 years, what kind of story is this?

My main takeaway is that the passage depicts something quite conventional. Which either lacks a hook, or is calm before the (supernatural?) storm to come. If it is the latter, that works because the lack of anything horrifying is pregnant with anticipated genre craziness.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I didn't find it too bleak; rather I wish it had more emotional pull. Given that this is an introduction, I don't have any connection to the characters yet, so I read it more as a factual description. I wouldn't have minded if it had tried to push my buttons a little harder concerning the mother's grief.

 

[THX1138]

I agree with @AllanR and @Wayne Mack , but for me I could feel the dark resentment and grief of the MC. And to me, it seems that the 'Bo' character is the physical manifestation of the MC's depression. But the way I'm taking it is that the MC is the blank canvas of depression/grief, and Bo could be the influencer. Almont a 'Death Note' anima fell to it. It works for me. A psychological horror story potentially?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It wasn’t the bleakness that was a problem for me, it was that this is, essentially, all telling and a backstory about people I don’t know or care about yet. I think, for an opener, some kind of hook or question needs to be the focal point, rather than the backstory.

 

[Dan Jones]

This is the third or fourth time I've read this intro now, so my familiarity with it may be helpful or a hindrance, I'm not sure. But it's not too bleak. God knows plenty of horror stories begin with grief, so in that sense it's actually highly conventional. I wouldn't get too hung up on whether that's a positive or a negative - so long as it's written well then it's fine.

I think, for an opener, some kind of hook or question needs to be the focal point, rather than the backstory.

Perhaps a mite harsh? Seems to me that the grief is the hook - given what comes later in ASG, it's that emotion that forms the foundation stone of the story (not just in this timeline but in others that Phyre is working on as well).

 

[Jo Zebedee]

This is the third or fourth time I've read this intro now, so my familiarity with it may be helpful or a hindrance, I'm not sure. But it's not too bleak. God knows plenty of horror stories begin with grief, so in that sense it's actually highly conventional. I wouldn't get too hung up on whether that's a positive or a negative - so long as it's written well then it's fine.


Perhaps a mite harsh? Seems to me that the grief is the hook - given what comes later in ASG, it's that emotion that forms the foundation stone of the story (not just in this timeline but in others that Phyre is working on as well).

But grief is only a hook if we care about the character first. It’s like starting with a battle.

To sounds less harsh (which I didn’t mean to) I like the excerpt. I like the feelings behind it. I just think it’s less effective as an opening than somewhere later, when I care, and it could be devastating

 

[HareBrain]

In short, I do think you'd be better off starting with something else. Quite a few people might be put off by being asked to dwell on the devastation of losing children, from a character they've only just been introduced to. For me, for the grief of a complete stranger to be a hook in itself, it would need to be written about in a startling or fresh way. The observation that she somehow feels obliged to not shut the door on the detectives too early is a good example of this, but I think the rest, though convincing enough and well-expressed, is what we'd expect. I wanted to move on quicker -- but moving on quicker might seem to be dealing too lightly with it. (These are only issues with starting with this scene, and might not arise if it was elsewhere in the story.)

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hi all,

Great, objective points, and very helpful, thank you. I think it's hard for me to distance myself the necessary amount because I have been writing this for 11 years, and also because it is so heavily informed by my own experiences of loss.

If it is the latter, that works because the lack of anything horrifying is pregnant with anticipated genre craziness.

Yes, it is 'horror'. I think mathematically, it could work, inasmuch as the nuts and bolts, but there seems to be a lack of connection with the readers in this thread which causes me a little concern.

And to me, it seems that the 'Bo' character is the physical manifestation of the MC's depression. But the way I'm taking it is that the MC is the blank canvas of depression/grief, and Bo could be the influencer. Almont a 'Death Note' anima fell to it. It works for me. A psychological horror story potentially?

I love this idea of Bo being a physical manifestation, what a wonderful idea; I wish I had had that idea, it would've been a lovely reveal! Bo's her husband.

It wasn’t the bleakness that was a problem for me

Quelle surprise you know how we do...

But grief is only a hook if we care about the character first. It’s like starting with a battle.

I get what you're saying but I don't really hold with this 'hook' for horror (or for that matter, anything I read). To me horror is the slow morphing from everyday to the weird and I do think a reader has to get their hands dirty from the first sentence, and that we do that plenty of times with stories that do not have this traditional hook school of thought. But, there still needs to be an interest for a reader to carry on so that'll def need my attention if I was to use this (I most likely won't). I think the problem for me's that I have 3 openings -- the other two seem contrived or self-conscious as I was trying to write the 'hit the ground running' and it just made me think of Michael Bay etc... I think what I may do is put the three up in the Writing Group and get some feedback there if people can be bothered to visit this again.

To sounds less harsh (which I didn’t mean to)

Not harsh, don't worry. Besides: you put your stuff up in crits, you take your chance.

Quite a few people might be put off by being asked to dwell on the devastation of losing children, from a character they've only just been introduced to.

This is my exact concern. It may only be relevant an opening to those who have suffered premature loss. This is a deeply personal passage from my own experiences of how I reacted to the loss of my brother and my impending loss of my sister.

It's clearly a bad punt or misfire as far as opening goes, so I'm happy to change or move around.

I may put the three in WG if that's okay.

 

[The Judge]

Sorry, my feelings about this are the same as when you first put this up in Critiques back in 2021. I didn't find it bleak, but I didn't find it engaging either, and if the two detectives have just given her the terrible news, to be brutally honest it doesn't to me sound like a woman who has just had her worst fears confirmed. Numbness and a sense of trying to hold on to politeness to strangers is a very good idea, but to my mind too much of it reads as far too intellectual and cerebral so early on after such a devastating loss. Despite all the words, there's virtually no emotion here.

Even if you were to make changes to it, though, to be more affecting, I don't think it would work as part of an opening chapter, for much the same reasons as Jo and HB have given. If grief and loss are to be the themes of ASG, though, then perhaps shorten it and make it a prologue without giving names, so it sets up almost as a mystery at this point. (I know prologues are said to be a bad idea, but to my mind it's still an option worth considering.)


EDIT: I was writing this while you were replying, so missed your confirmation that it's based on your own grief, and I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not belittling how you felt and your own reactions to grief. But for me this expression of it would find perhaps more universal application if it came later on in the grieving process, not seconds after the cops have left.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Cross posted!

Sorry, my feelings about this are the same as when you first put this up in Critiques back in 2021

I can't recall putting this up, what a muppet. In my mind I wrote this on the Tube a few months back. Very worrying.

If grief and loss are to be the themes of ASG, though, then perhaps shorten it and make it a prologue without giving names, so it sets up almost as a mystery at this point. (I know prologues are said to be a bad idea, but to my mind it's still an option worth considering.)

Funny you mention prologues. After I had posted it and checked for errors I realised that at 500 words I might have written a prologue -- somthing I've never done before (although I have no problem with prologues at all).

ASG is littered with flashbacks due to its very nature, so a shortened version of this may do well later on as you, Jo and HB suggested

Thankee.

 

[Swank]

Since it is horror, I think the hook is built into the normalcy and love the MC has in her situation. Clearly something much worse is going to happen (because the book was on the horror shelf), so the fact that everything is as healthy as can be expected seems like a good set up.

Will the kids turn up in a very bad way?
Will Bo betray her? Or disappear?

That's what the reader is thinking about, not the grief. Grief and support are normal. Normal is going away.

 

[The Judge]

I can't recall putting this up, what a muppet.

You then had it with a couple of later scenes, so that may have confused it in your mind. Anyhow, it's here, in case you want to see the other replies at the time 5000k post <sigh> (1287 words, not fantasy or SF)

I don't really hold with this 'hook' for horror (or for that matter, anything I read). ... But, there still needs to be an interest for a reader to carry on

I wonder if perhaps you're interpreting "hook" in too narrow a way -- or perhaps I interpret it in too wide a way -- as for me it simply means something in the opening paragraphs by which the author gets the reader hooked on the story, so she wants to find out what's going on and she continues to read. As far as I'm concerned hooks actually come in all types of guises -- drama and conflict of some kind, certainly, but also wonderful writing, clever phrasing, intriguing characters or situations, humour, even beautiful description. Basically, something of interest that keeps a reader reading.

 

[The Big Peat]

Late to the party and possibly unhelpfully...

I don't think it's too bleak. It'll be too bleak for some, but if you're going to put catastrophic life altering grief at the heart of a story, there are worse things to do than write an opening that'll hook people who are here for stories about that and politely move along people for whom it'd only be a 4 star read at best.

I think arguably if you were taking that point of view, it's not bleak enough.

I think my criticisms would be

a) Where does the word grief come from? Like, if one of the detectives had said "sorry for intruding on your grief" or she'd picked up a letter or card that said it, I'd get it. But as it is, it doesn't feel like it came from anywhere much other than thinking the word once and turning on it which doesn't feel dramatically satisfying

b) I don't think it does enough to provide a sense of what the story ahead will look like beyond the grief. It feels very closed in and self-contained as a scene, not the seed to something bigger.

c) It's just missing something. I'm not entirely sure what. Maybe it's a sense of mystery or conflict. Maybe it's not going deep enough into the grief. Maybe it's not having enough said out loud, maybe it's not enough hinting at what happened... whatever it is, this scene needs to be more captivating.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm with TJ regarding what a hook is. I don't think it needs to be a great, exciting thing - it just needs to be what raises questions in us and makes us want to read on. Years ago, I entered a critique thing called the Hook that identifies where a reader got engaged or, alternatively, where they stopped reading, and why.
For Inish Carraig, one line came up as consistently what engaged, which was the boy watching a cat cross the yard and thinking about eating it. It was a throw away line right when I first wrote it, and then it got quickly moved up to halfway down the first page (originally it was on about page 3).
So, for me, this doesn't have that. It has a lot in it I like (and I can tell it's driven by someone who knows the real body blow of close grief) and I can see it working as a scene. But it doesn't feel like the opening one. In fact, I think using it there would do a disservice to a nice piece of writing.

 

[OuttaInc]

I didn't think it too bleak, given the topic, but I did struggle to connect with the POV character. It might help to give us a sense of what the twins were like when they were alive so that we can share in Redd's grief when we realize they're gone.

Joyce Carol Oates wrote a haunting short story called Heat where a pair of twin girls die, and she describes them so powerfully in the beginning with so few words, that you can't help but mourn their loss when you realize they're actually dead. Might be worth a read to see if that's an effect you'd want to employ.

Hope that helps!

 

[Yozh]

This feels to me like a very old grief. I was not expecting at the end to see that the kids had been gone four days, but maybe four years. She has already resigned herself to never finding them, never even finding out what happened to them, and is just settled into a passive sort of depression.

 

[Bowler1]

Not too bleak and very well written and I can see why you want to keep with this as an opening - I am with Judge, this is not the first time I've seen this section.

However... as an opening, it is a push and asking a lot of a reader that has no connection with any characters as yet. Shocking news has been dropped on what I assume is the mother of the missing kids, and while the grief or emotionally numb shock of the character does come across in my view, the ending is demanding. Yes you would want to be close to your partner in the event of bad news and a cuddle would be a normal life reaction for sure, but as an opening to a storyline it sort of ends with nothing when you get right down to it. To be fair I would read on to the next section to see what happens next, but I would want more direction and pace right after this or you would be pushing your luck with me.

If you like it keep it, but from all the comments above it would be an opening with risks attached.

If this is horror, give us a taste of what the scary stuff is. What happened to the kids? Where did they go? What's going on. All questions I have in mind, but I have very little emotional investment in the current opening. If the next section gets into the naughty stuff then fine, but if it's more world building or such like then as above, you'll have my wayward thoughts wondering off to exciting RAY GUNS and pitchforks at the drop of a hat.