Something is wrong with this paragraph. Can you tell me just what it is?

[Timben]

"The Cross of the Seven Jewels? That's only a myth," said Sam.
Chen has no idea what he was referring to.
"Is he for real?" asked Daina.
"It dates back to the Bible — The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with smooth deep seven jewels embedded in it. It's priceless! It's supposedly worn by Mary Magdalene, whose mystical power includes the state of possessing an infinite lifespan and an arresting aging process. Each gem represents the seven deadly sins,” declared Sam.

 

[Christine Wheelwright]

"The Cross of the Seven Jewels? That's only a myth," said Sam.
Chen had no idea what he was referring to.
"Is he for real?" asked Daina.
"It dates back to the Bible. The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with seven smooth deep jewels embedded in it. It's priceless! It was supposedly worn by Mary Magdalene and has mystical powers. They say it possesses an infinite lifespan, and and that it can halt the aging process. The gems represent the seven deadly sins,” declared Sam.

 

[Stable]

To add to Christine's post, I'd suggest something like one of these:

• "They say its wearer possesses an infinite lifespan..."
• "They say it will grant the wearer an infinite lifespan..."

More generally @Timben try to keep your tenses straight - usually stick to past tense.

 

[Swank]

"The Cross of the Seven Jewels? That's only a myth," said Sam.
Chen has no idea what he was referring to.
"Is he for real?" asked Daina.
"It dates back to the Bible — The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with smooth deep seven jewels embedded in it. It's priceless! It's supposedly worn by Mary Magdalene, whose mystical power includes the state of possessing an infinite lifespan and an arresting aging process. Each gem represents the seven deadly sins,” declared Sam.

Trick question! This passage is four paragraphs!

But the main problem is that no crucifixes date back to the Bible. The story of the New Testament ends shortly after Christ's death on the cross, so no one in it wore a cross. The cross didn't become an icon of Christianity until the 4th century.

 

[farntfar]

Chen has no idea to what he was referring.
"Is he for real?", asked Daina.
Hopefully each jewel represents only one of the 7 deadly sins
and sins.", declared Sam. at the end.

 

[tinkerdan]

All great advice so far.
However, most of the important tenses are past tense already which might mean that you are improving in that.
As for tenses inside dialogue--that's a whole different ballgame--you can let the tenses slip in dialogue because people do tend to talk that way.
However you might want to be mindful inside dialogue of their switching tenses too much in the same bit of dialogue. This can be tricky because people do do that and sometime what they say, how they say it, demands a switch of tense.

In this piece I think that the tense as written could stand as it is.
Except for:
Chen has no idea what he was referring to.

Should be
Chen had no idea what he was referring to.

Also:
"Is he for real?" asked Daina.
This made me wonder who she was asking was real or if there was some mistake here and she meant to say...
"Is it for real?" asked Daina.

There seems to be a need for more referential context to what/who Daina is referring to.

 

[Raincloud Man]

The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with smooth deep seven jewels embedded in it.

"The cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with seven smooth Jewels deeply embedded in it." Flows more naturally.

 

[Wayne Mack]

I would question why Chen is the PoV character (we experience Chen's thoughts), but Daina is the one asking questions. The two key characters appear to be Sam and Daina and one of them might be a better PoV, though I don't know how Chen is involved with whatever surrounds this excerpt.

Purely as a style issue, I would see if Sam's final monolog could be broken up with questions or interjections by Daina. There are multiple aspects of the Cross of the Seven Jewels dumped all at once and my preference would be to have each given its own line of dialog and then a break to let the reader digest the information.

 

[autoretscriptor]

@tinkerdan has it exactly right -- there's a problem with tenses in the sample.

In direct conversation, present tense can refer to past events, because that's how people talk. But outside of the direct quotations, one needs to respect the past tense --

Chen has no idea what he was referring to. --> Chen had no idea what he was referring to.

Outside of this issue, the sample reads fine to me.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Trick question! This passage is four paragraphs!

But the main problem is that no crucifixes date back to the Bible. The story of the New Testament ends shortly after Christ's death on the cross, so no one in it wore a cross. The cross didn't become an icon of Christianity until the 4th century.

Yep, good point.

So it shoud be the "Fish"

 

[Elckerlyc]

As far as I know the first reference to the 'Fish' (or ICHTHUS) dates from the 2nd century. Any connection with Maria Mgadalene would be unlikely.

 

[Elckerlyc]

"The Cross of the Seven Jewels? That's only a myth," said Sam.
Chen has no idea what he was referring to.
"Is he for real?" asked Daina.
"It dates back to the Bible — The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with smooth deep seven jewels embedded in it. It's priceless! It's supposedly worn by Mary Magdalene, whose mystical power includes the state of possessing an infinite lifespan and an arresting aging process. Each gem represents the seven deadly sins,” declared Sam.

"The Cross of the Seven Jewels? That's only a myth." said Sam.
Chen had never heard of it.
"Is it real?" asked Daina.(assuming she is referring to cross. Also, if it is a myth, no one would know if it exist. She'd better ask "What is this myth about?)
"It dates back to the Bible (the cross or the myth?) - The Cross of the Seven Jewels is a silver crucifix with seven jewels smoothly embedded in it. It's priceless! (How can a myth be priceless? It needs to be real before something can become priceless.) It's supposedly worn by Mary Magdalene, which mystical power ('Whose' suggests Mary had mystical power. I assume you are referencing to the cross, so 'which'.) includes the arresting of the ageing process and thus gives the wearer an infinite lifespan. Each gem represents the seven deadly sins," Sam explained. (The concept of the 'seven deadly sins' as we know it today, dates back from Pope Gregory I AD 590.)