Israel Falls (Future Henry POV) Query

[Cli-Fi]

I always thought this was going to be a a Johnny VS Henry Story, but maybe, just maybe it's a Henry VS Henry Story. My friends liked this query better. Let's see what Chrons thinks:

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone. When Henry Wilson, the patriarch of a family of demi-gods, learns of a rouge element from his past which is attempting to smear the family with a scandal exposing their highly illegal soul trade, it forces him to flee to the past to seek out his younger, sharper self for help in eliminating this threat.

From the shadows, Henry witnesses and guides his own rise to power, developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mish-mashed episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. As he tries to fix what went wrong the first time, in the future a new technology appears overnight that reveals a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making.

Past, Present, and future collide as war looms on two fronts, and Henry is left with a choice to make; protect his family/timeline at all costs or continue making the changes no matter where or when they might lead.

Israel Falls is a 80,000 (est) word work of fiction.

NOTE: I believe this helps me avoid explaining all or most of the mythology that I have come up with and still highlights everything that needs to be in a query/story in the first place. Character development most important of all.

 

[Ihe]

I like this much more than previous attempts. A couple of things though :

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone. When Henry Wilson, the patriarch of a family of demi-gods, learns of a rouge element from his past which is attempting to smear the family with a scandal exposing their highly illegal soul trade, it forces him to flee to the past to seek out his younger, sharper self for help in eliminating this threat.

The opening sentence feels off, completely disconnected from the rest of the paragraph's exposition, as if you had nowhere else to put it. It's an important piece of information, but you should try a smooth transition into what comes next. Make it all about the Wilsons. The second sentence is a bad run-on, and clunky. Consider relieving it of some unnecessary info, and displace other bits to the opening sentence, therefore also helping with the transition. Put these 2 suggestions together, and get something like this: "In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help."

with a choice to make; protect his family/timeline

Colon here.

he’s tormented by mish-mashed episodes

Not a fan of "mish-mashed".

As he tries to fix what went wrong the first time,

This first bit is unnecessary repetition IMO. It is already clear that he went back to the past to solve a problem.

Hope it helps.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I like this much more than previous attempts. A couple of things though :


The opening sentence feels off, completely disconnected from the rest of the paragraph's exposition, as if you had nowhere else to put it. It's an important piece of information, but you should try a smooth transition into what comes next. Make it all about the Wilsons. The second sentence is a bad run-on, and clunky. Consider relieving it of some unnecessary info, and displace other bits to the opening sentence, therefore also helping with the transition. Put these 2 suggestions together, and get something like this: "In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help."


Colon here.


Not a fan of "mish-mashed".


This first bit is unnecessary repetition IMO. It is already clear that he went back to the past to solve a problem.

Hope it helps.

Thanks for your suggestions. I guess it's true what they say, you don't know what your story is gonna be about until you have the final product in hand. I am almost finished with a first draft, after ten long years of plotting. With the recent decision that Henry is the MC, period. I'll have to change some subplots as I go and I'll have to go back and fix some chapters, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I like this much more than previous attempts. A couple of things though :


The opening sentence feels off, completely disconnected from the rest of the paragraph's exposition, as if you had nowhere else to put it. It's an important piece of information, but you should try a smooth transition into what comes next. Make it all about the Wilsons. The second sentence is a bad run-on, and clunky. Consider relieving it of some unnecessary info, and displace other bits to the opening sentence, therefore also helping with the transition. Put these 2 suggestions together, and get something like this: "In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help."


Colon here.


Not a fan of "mish-mashed".


This first bit is unnecessary repetition IMO. It is already clear that he went back to the past to solve a problem.

Hope it helps.

Corrected:

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilson's have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

From a distance, Henry witnesses and guides his own rise to power, as he develops a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. Word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making.

Past, Present, and future collide as war looms on two fronts, and Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline at all costs or continue making the changes no matter where or when they might lead.

Israel Falls is a 80,000 word work of fiction.

 

[HareBrain]

Seems good to me, and a great improvement. My only real quibble is here:

From a distance, Henry witnesses and guides his own rise to power

"Witnesses" feels passive, so I'd think about leaving it out so we can focus on "guides". Also, might be worth saying "guides his younger self's rise to power" (assuming that's what is happening) to make it clear.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Seems good to me, and a great improvement. My only real quibble is here:



"Witnesses" feels passive, so I'd think about leaving it out so we can focus on "guides". Also, might be worth saying "guides his younger self's rise to power" (assuming that's what is happening) to make it clear.

I have changed that line to Henry guides his younger self to power. Thanks!

 

[Cli-Fi]

So query now looks like this:

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilson's have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

Henry guides his younger self to power, developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain and word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making.

Past, Present, and future collide as war looms on two fronts, and Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline at all costs or continue making the changes no matter where or when they might lead.

 

[Ihe]

Wilson's

No apostrophe.

While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented

Comma after scandal.

Past, Present, and future collide as war looms on two fronts, and Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline at all costs or continue making the changes no matter where or when they might lead.

I just caught this. I thought the reason why he's making those changes IS to protect his family? The way it is written here, there are no stakes. The conflict should be: protect his family vs maybe breaking the timeline. Both should be mutually exclusive, and not part of the same deal. Also, the mention of war comes out of nowhere, as a conflict of this magnitude isn't mentioned or alluded to anywhere. If the new technology is causing a war, you should briefly point it out.

Overall it reads tighter.

 

[Cli-Fi]

No apostrophe.

Comma after scandal.


I just caught this. I thought the reason why he's making those changes IS to protect his family? The way it is written here, there are no stakes. The conflict should be: protect his family vs maybe breaking the timeline. Both should be mutually exclusive, and not part of the same deal. Also, the mention of war comes out of nowhere, as a conflict of this magnitude isn't mentioned or alluded to anywhere. If the new technology is causing a war, you should briefly point it out.

Overall it reads tighter.

It's sort of a catch-22. The scandal will hurt his family and expose them all, but won't necessarily end the way of life for all other time travelers. In the book there are a bunch of rich/corrupt time travelers out there who would love to take the place of the Wilsons. However the new technology springs up due to the changes he is making and that will eventually make time travel obsolete because of what it does.

 

[Ihe]

Alrighty then, just making sure it's not an oversight. You know your story best!

 

[ctg]

The only thing that the mini-query doesn't explain is why? Who, what, where and when has been answered. Some vaguely, but why might be important as the reader might need a bit more on the motive to get really interested. I hope it does appeal agents and editors as you've put awful lot of time into one book.

 

[Cli-Fi]

The only thing that the mini-query doesn't explain is why? Who, what, where and when has been answered. Some vaguely, but why might be important as the reader might need a bit more on the motive to get really interested. I hope it does appeal agents and editors as you've put awful lot of time into one book.

To answer your question, there are deep mythological reasons why Henry has to go back in time mostly spear-headed by the religious mystery everyone in this world is looking to solve and whoever solves it will undoubtedly take the Wilsons place in power. So it goes to reason why the Wilsons would want to either prevent that from happening or solve the mystery first. It's all wrapped up in the 1000 year conspiracy, but, it'll take at least another paragraph to properly explain why it's important. Since it's a brand new concept that I developed for the conflict on this world.

 

[ctg]

It's all wrapped up in the 1000 year conspiracy, but, it'll take at least another paragraph to properly explain why it's important. Since it's a brand new concept that I developed for the conflict on this world.

Let this be your Unique Selling Point. A conspiracy spanning over a millennia. Don't be scared on writing out the why, because it's often the why which really sells things. Tell them why and then expand by who and where as you've already answered when (at the end where things come together or fall apart).

And don't be scared of writing fourth paragraph, if that is what you need. It's better to write comprehensive pitch than a half cocked one. The problem is that often we cannot do it, for some reason.

 

[EJDeBrun]

I think the latest version is a huge improvement from the original post, but I have to admit I find the second paragraph hard to read and a bit confusing. I think it's possible there are too many ideas inserted too quickly that it makes it difficult to get a good read of what's going on.

Also for the third paragraph where you're trying to ramp up the conflict, I'm not getting that conclusion. I think if the second paragraph were tightened a bit then that might clarify the central conflict, which is what you're trying to convey here.

While the 1000 year conspiracy is different, the other time changing ideas are familiar. In particular I think about the film Looper where the youner and the older self are basically fighting with each other. Now I could be totally off here, but I think it might be a good idea to look at that movie's tag and log lines just to see how they handled such a complicated concept, just as reference.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I think the latest version is a huge improvement from the original post, but I have to admit I find the second paragraph hard to read and a bit confusing. I think it's possible there are too many ideas inserted too quickly that it makes it difficult to get a good read of what's going on.

Also for the third paragraph where you're trying to ramp up the conflict, I'm not getting that conclusion. I think if the second paragraph were tightened a bit then that might clarify the central conflict, which is what you're trying to convey here.

While the 1000 year conspiracy is different, the other time changing ideas are familiar. In particular I think about the film Looper where the youner and the older self are basically fighting with each other. Now I could be totally off here, but I think it might be a good idea to look at that movie's tag and log lines just to see how they handled such a complicated concept, just as reference.

Oh man, it's gonna be even harder for me to come up with a logline. I believe I have tried before... I guess I'm gonna have to watch Looper again.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Let this be your Unique Selling Point. A conspiracy spanning over a millennia. Don't be scared on writing out the why, because it's often the why which really sells things. Tell them why and then expand by who and where as you've already answered when (at the end where things come together or fall apart).

And don't be scared of writing fourth paragraph, if that is what you need. It's better to write comprehensive pitch than a half cocked one. The problem is that often we cannot do it, for some reason.

So I was thinking that if there was going to be another paragraph, I would insert it in between the first and second and it would go something like this:

One thousand years earlier, the lines between religion and science are blending thanks to the new wonders that come with the invention of time travel. However, the rise of new fanatical religions and the corruption of the rich and powerful remain and Henry knows more than enough to guide his own rise to power.

To fix what went wrong in the past he develops a way to manipulate time that has never been done before...

I'm not sure if it clears up the why though. Basically he's a power-monger. Doesn't want to lose his power, but doesn't want to destroy the universe.

 

[EJDeBrun]

I think maybe this synop is too hung up on the context of the story and less on the story itself. I think the MC and his conflict needs to come out first, front and center, with only enough details to sort of round it out. Right now I feel like your spending all your time on explaining the premise and it might not be exciting enough.

Also, can I add, you need to put in a likeable characteristic for your MC as well as a likeable motivation. Power-monger isn't particularly appealing, so it's hard to care about his plight. I like the idea that he doesn't want to destroy the universe. But the have his cake and eat it too angle kind of ruins it for me. Maybe focus on the family aspect more? Or maybe trying to keep the threads of reality together?

 

[ctg]

I agree. Please rewrite the pitch and start expanding from the conspiracy angle. Although I do admit that most often we creators are the worst people to make these pitches, because we have everything in our minds. And things you deleted might still affect the way you're formulating the pitch.