Dynasty: Roots of An Empire (scifi 1311 words)

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John J. Falco
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The story has changed drastically, folks but this intro flows much better and ties everything together. I've never felt so good about an intro though it hasn't really been proof-read to a huge extent. Hope you all feel the same. Sorry for the profanity, that's the characters dirty mind not mine ;)

Prologue:
As Henry Wilson’s world disappeared and the rhythmic rapping of wings was heard somewhere in the distance and his ears felt like they were burning. The bright lights whooshed faster and faster overhead, making him dizzy, or was that the medication? Henry, thought as he tried to remember what was going on. He knew he was in some sort of treatment center but he couldn’t quite make out what his father was saying and he couldn’t remember why he needed to be there in the first place. He could see an unrecognizable man keeping some of the wires that hung above him, steady as they raced the bed down the corridors. The man looked rushed as he kept looking around for some unknown adversary.

After a few more delirious moments. Henry felt himself being lifted and as the world leveled out it seemed to become even more blurry. His eyes got heavy, as he felt himself slipping in and out of consciousness. Through some miracle Henry Wilson was able to make out the last thing he had ever heard his father say to him, “This is for the best son. This is for The Constant.”

Those words have haunted him ever since…

Chapter One: The Last Cry of the Masters
All the Time Travel Industry needed a good dose of actual ****ing science, Henry Wilson snickered and sighed to himself as he stared at the ridiculous poster of the flying pig on the wall. The moving picture of the city skyline and the animated words which read “Hang in there, always looking out for you,” didn’t do anything to help the way he felt. The temporal hospital’s fluorescent neon lights only made him more nauseous.

He shifted with disgust, in his chair in an effort to look away from the pink pests. That’s all they were, the ****ing pests bothered everyone, and it didn’t even matter what any one person was doing at any particular time. The timestream was getting polluted with the ****ing things, and humanity was getting sick of it. Though, Henry was simply annoyed at them, he was even more perplexed by this illness which had caught him completely by surprise! As he touched his left ear he winced and he felt a part of the inner ear melt off and evaporate leaving a trail of dead skin flakes floating up into nothing.

This disease didn’t make him swear off time travel like a lot of his pansy co-workers. In fact it made him love it all the more, but it was for a different sort of ridiculousness. The politics, the religions, and the idiots who were exploited for the personal gain of the Master Bloodlines—not that he would ever be apart of such a corrupt hierarchy. Henry loved time travel so much that he shaped his entire life around its tricky precision points, various events of causality, and singularity in order to make sure things went smoothly for everybody else and that things didn’t get too corrupted.

As much of the modern world embraced the treachery of time travel. He had made a name for himself in the industry as a sort of a legend. So now he sat uncomfortably in the waiting room at Yester-year’s Temporal Hospital while a thousand eyeballs were on him using various internet-connected platforms too numerous to mention. Here, on the outskirts of some random not particularly well-regulated timeline with little to no financial prospects to speak of, he couldn’t help fight the feeling that he had been there before.

It was odd that he couldn’t quite place this feeling of déjà vu, because he was usually very good at pinpointing where it came from. What was even worse for him was that something made him reluctant to go in the first place. Though, due to the annoyingly routine ear check-ups that his brother Tomas just happened to do while he was sleeping in the middle of the night; and thanks to the incessant nagging of his little brother. Henry decided to grant the stupid little telepath his wishes and go see a doctor.

It was ridiculous, he thought as he scratched at his mostly chewed up left ear. The notion that he, Henry Wilson could get sick from time travel was not supposed to be in the cards. He had checked, double-checked, and triple-checked. It wasn’t as if he checked because he was curious. He checked because it was kind of his job to do so. According to official records it never happened nor was going to, so why was it?

Henry sat back against the pale white wall in the waiting room, eyes closed, while these thoughts swam around in his mind. He tapped his foot on the pure white tiles to a beat that would be unknowable to the people in this timeline for the next twenty years, as he continued his thoughts.

His ears perked up as he heard more flapping in the background and saw that on the animated poster another flying pig had joined his friend. He cursed at the pigs—widely considered the eyes and ears of the government—under his breath, for the thousandth time, as the nurse called out his name.

“Mr. Wilson?”

Henry stood up quite eloquently and allowed the nurse to show him the way to his room. She seemed flustered and very emotional as she showed him to the patient seat. “I’m sorry, but are you the Henry Wilson? You started the Constant Riots right?”

Henry sighed and then smiled down at her. As much as he would like to forget that chaotic moment in time, it was sort of his claim to fame and for some reason made him a renegade of sorts in these parts. It didn’t even make sense for various temporal logic that he’d rather not argue about in a relatively quiet doctor’s office. So he just nodded, and the nurse had the sense to get the hint. He figured it would be a cool story to brag about to her friends.

Entering was Dr. Henrique Emmanuel a short chubby man with a very ancient Chinese bloodline some say went all the way back to the Mao Dynasty. An expert in all forms of biotechnology, chemistry, and various holistic and mythical healing practices. A Master in his own right.

The two men both embraced each other like a pair of good friends.

“You’re brother gave us quite a scare next week. Is he doing ok?”

Henry nodded his head, “Luckily that incident has not occurred yet for me. So all is good, however, he has pointed out some concerns about my own health which is the purpose of my visit.”

“Please, do tell. How is the ear?” Dr. Emmanuel said that in a way that made Henry suspicious. “How did you know I was going to be asking about my ears?” He asked the good doctor.

Dr. Emmanuel nodded his head. “Surely you know all too well that we Masters get just as much access to the time-stream as you programmers do right? It especially helps my medical practice in an attempt find the cure.”

Of course, Henry knew this all too well but even he didn’t know what was wrong with his ears and he never disclosed this particular problem to anyone other than his brother’s persistent telepathic abilities.

“This is a ****ing mystery doc, I don’t know where this sh*t came from. It’s entirely out of left field for me, and that’s saying something. I hope you have made some developments in finding a cure.” Apart from his brother, Dr. Emmanuel was probably one of Henry’s most trustworthy confidant’s and it was like they could tell each other everything! So he wondered why the doctor seemed to be hiding foreknowledge about the illness. Henry intended to find out whatever secrets he held....
 
The story has changed drastically

Haven't read, because I don't spend a lot of time in the critiques any more. Sorry.

Prologue:

Read it, and didn't get it. Then again, Prologues have always been a difficult - if not very difficult - thing to write.

All the Time Travel Industry needed was a good dose of actual ****ing (reads better without swearing) science, Henry Wilson snickered and sighed to himself (no need, wordiness) as he stared at the ridiculous poster of the flying pig on the wall. The moving picture of the city skyline and the animated words underneath/above it/over it which read “Hang in there. We/He/She/It/God (needs a subject) is always looking out for you,” didn’t do anything to help the way he felt. Instead, he looked away as the temporal hospital’s fluorescent neon lights only made him more nauseous.

Or was it the pink pests? Henry
shifted in his chair. He hated them. Disgusting animals. That’s all they were, the ****ing pests bothered everyone, and it didn’t even matter to them what any (repetition) one (wordiness) person was doing at any particular time. In fact, he were certain the timestream was getting polluted from those with the ****ing things, and humanity was getting sick of it. Though, Henry was simply annoyed at them, he was even more perplexed by this illness (comma) which had caught him completely by surprise! As He touched his left ear and he (too many he's) winced as and he felt a part of the inner ear melted off, and evaporate leaving behind a trail of dead skin flakes floating up into nothing.

This disease didn’t make him swear off at the time travel business like a lot of his pansy co-workers. In fact Instead it made him love it all the even more, but it which was for a different sort of ridiculousness. Not talking about the politics, the religions, and the idiots(comma) who were exploited for the personal gain of the Master Bloodlines—not that he would ever be apart of such a corrupt hierarchy. (too much exposition) Henry loved time travel so much that actually he'd shaped his entire life around its tricky precision points, various events of causality, and the singularity (comma) in order to make sure things went smoothly for everybody else and that things didn’t get too corrupted. (wordiness)

As much of the modern world embraced the treachery of time travel.
(Does not make any sense)Henry had made a name for himself (Full Stop) in the industry as Some even called him a sort of a legend. So now he sat uncomfortably in the waiting room But that fact didn't make him feeling better at Yester-year’s Temporal Hospital while a thousand eyeballs were on him using various internet-connected platforms too numerous to mention. Here, on the outskirts of some random, and not particularly well-regulated timeline with that had little to no financial prospects to exploit (?) speak of, Even then he couldn’t help fight the feeling that he had been there before.

It was odd that he couldn’t quite place this feeling of déjà vu, because usually he was very good at pinpointing where it came from. What was even worse for him was that something made him reluctant to go in the first place. Though, due to the annoyingly routine ear check-ups that his older/younger brother Tomas just happened to do(comma) while he was sleeping in the middle of the night; and thanks to the incessant nagging of his little brother.(comma) Henry had decided to grant the stupid little telepath his wishes and go see a doctor.

It was ridiculous, he thought as he scratched at what was left of his mostly chewed up left ear. The notion that he, Henry Wilson could get sick from the time travel business was not supposed to be in the cards. In fact, he had checked, double-checked, and triple-checked that this sort of thing shouldn't have happened. It wasn’t as if he checked He hadn't done it because he was curious. He'd checked(comma) because it was kind of his job to do so. And according to official records it never happened nor was going to, so why was it?

Henry sat back against the pale white wall in the waiting room, eyes closed, while these thoughts swarmed around in his mind. He tapped his foot on the pure white (repetition) tiles to a beat that would be unknowable to the people in this timeline wouldn't know for the next twenty years, as he continued his thoughts.

His ears perked up as he heard more flapping in the background and saw that on the animated poster another flying pig had joined his friend. He cursed at the pigs—widely considered the eyes and ears of the government—under his breath, for the thousandth time, as the nurse called out his name. (repetition and too much exposition)

“Mr. Wilson?” Nurse called.

Henry stood up quite eloquently and allowed the nurse her to show him the way to his the examination room. She seemed flustered and very emotional as she showed him when he sat onto the patient seat. “I’m sorry," she said. "But are you the Henry Wilson? You The one who started the Constant Riots(comma) right?”

Henry sighed and then smiled down at her. As much as he'd would like tried to forget that chaotic moment in time, it was sort of his claim to the fame(full stop) And for some reason it'd made him a renegade of sorts in these parts of the timeline. It didn’t even make sense for various temporal logic that he’d rather not argue about in a relatively quiet doctor’s office. So he just nodded, and watched a wicked smile spreading on nurse's face. had the sense to get the hint. He figured it would be a cool story to

Maybe she
was going to brag about meeting him to her friends, Henry thought as Doctor Henrique Emmanuel entered the room. He was a short chubby Chinese man with a very ancient Chinese , whose bloodline some say people claimed went all the way back to the Mao Dynasty. But Henry knew him as an expert in all forms of biotechnology, chemistry, and various holistic and mythical healing practices. A Master in his own right.

The two men both embraced greeted each other like a pair of good friends.

You’re Your brother gave us quite a scare next week," Emmanuel said. "Is he doing okay?”

Henry nodded his head, “Luckily that incident has not occurred yet for me. So all is good, however, he has pointed out some concerns about my own health which is the purpose of my visit.”

“Please, do tell. How is the ear?” Dr. Emmanuel asked. said that in a way that made Henry suspicious.

Henry frowned.
“How did you know I was going that? to be asking about my ears?He asked the good doctor. (repetition and wordiness)

Dr. Emmanuel shrugged his shoulder and said, nodded his head. “Surely you know all too well that we Masters get just as much access to the time-stream as you programmers do(comma) right? It especially helps my medical practice in an attempt find the cure.

Of course, Henry knew this it all too well(comma) but even he didn’t know what was wrong with his ears(comma) and he never disclosed this particular problem to anyone other than his brother’s persistent telepathic abilities.(if the ear has evaporated as much as you indicated at above then surely the doctor can see it with his own eyes)

“This is a ****ing mystery doc, I don’t know where this sh*t came from. It’s entirely out of left field for me, and that’s saying something. I hope you have made some developments in finding a cure.” Apart from his brother, Dr. Emmanuel was probably one of Henry’s most trustworthy confidants and it was like they could tell each other everything! So he wondered why the doctor seemed to be hiding foreknowledge about the illness. Henry intended to find out whatever secrets he held....

Some heavy editing, sorry. But it needed someone doing it. And as you're an author, you're too close to your product to see how it should read. I cleaned it up for at underneath. Compare it to what you wrote and see if it reads better.

All the Time Travel Industry needed was a good dose of actual science, Henry Wilson snickered as he stared at the ridiculous poster of the flying pig on the wall. The moving picture of the city skyline and the animated words underneath it read: “Hang in there. He is always looking out for you,” didn’t do anything to help the way he felt. Instead, he looked away as the temporal hospital’s fluorescent neon lights made him nauseous.

Or was it the pink pests? Henry shifted in his chair. He hated them. Disgusting animals. ****ing pests bothered everyone, and it didn’t even matter to them what a person was doing at any particular time. In fact, he were certain the timestream was getting polluted from those ****ing things, and humanity was getting sick of it. Though, Henry was simply annoyed at them, he was even more perplexed by this illness, which had caught him completely by surprise! He touched his left ear and winced as a part of the inner ear melted off, leaving behind a trail of skin flakes.

This disease didn’t make him swear at the time travel business like his pansy co-workers. Instead it made him love it more, which was different sort of ridiculousness. Not talking about the politics, the religions, and the idiots, who were exploited for the personal gain of the Master Bloodlines. He loved time travel so much that actually he'd shaped his entire life around its tricky precision points, various events of causality, and the singularity, in order to make sure things went smoothly for everybody else.

Henry had made a name for himself.Some even called him a sort of a legend. But that fact didn't make him feeling better at Yester-year’s Temporal Hospital on the outskirts of some random, and not particularly well-regulated timeline that had little to no financial prospects to exploit (?) Even then he couldn’t help fight the feeling that he had been here before.

It was odd that he couldn’t quite place this feeling of déjà vu, because usually he was very good at pinpointing where it came from. What was even worse was that something made him reluctant to go in the first place. Though, due to the annoyingly routine ear check-ups that his older brother Tomas just happened to do, while he was sleeping in the middle of the night; and thanks to the incessant nagging of his little brother, Henry had decided to grant the stupid little telepath his wishes and go see a doctor.

It was ridiculous, he thought as he scratched what was left of his left ear. The notion that he, Henry Wilson could get sick from the time travel business was not supposed to be in the cards. In fact, he had checked, double-checked, and triple-checked that this sort of thing shouldn't have happened. He hadn't done it because he was curious. He'd checked, because it was his job to do so. And according to official records it never happened nor was going to, so why was it?

Henry sat back against the pale white wall in the waiting room, eyes closed, while these thoughts swarmed around in his mind. He tapped his foot on the tiles to a beat that the people in this timeline wouldn't know for the next twenty years, as he continued his thoughts.

“Mr. Wilson?” Nurse called.

Henry stood up quite eloquently and allowed her to show him the way to the examination room. She seemed flustered and very emotional when he sat onto the patient seat. “I’m sorry," she said. "But are you the Henry Wilson? The one, who started the Constant Riots, right?”

Henry sighed and then smiled at her. As much as he'd tried to forget that chaotic moment in time, it was sort of his claim to the fame. And for some reason it'd made him a renegade of sorts in these parts of the timeline. So he just nodded, and watched a wicked smile spreading on nurse's face.

Maybe she was going to brag about meeting him to her friends, Henry thought as Doctor Henrique Emmanuel entered the room. He was a short chubby Chinese man , whose bloodline some people claimed went all the way back to the Mao Dynasty. But Henry knew him as an expert in all forms of biotechnology, chemistry, and various holistic and mythical healing practices. A Master in his own right.

The two men greeted each other like a pair of good friends.

“Your brother gave us quite a scare next week," Emmanuel said. "Is he doing okay?”

Henry nodded. “Luckily that incident has not occurred yet for me. So all is good, however, he has pointed out some concerns about my own health which is the purpose of my visit.”

“Please, do tell. How is the ear?” Emmanuel asked.

Henry frowned. “How did you know?"

Emmanuel shrugged his shoulder and said, “Surely you know all too well that we Masters get just as much access to the time-stream as you programmers do, right?”

Of course, Henry knew it all too well, but even he didn’t know what was wrong with his ears, and he never disclosed this particular problem to anyone other than his brother’s persistent telepathic abilities.

“This is a ****ing mystery doc, I don’t know where this sh*t came from. It’s entirely out of left field for me, and that’s saying something. I hope you have made some developments in finding a cure.” Apart from his brother, Emmanuel was probably one of most trustworthy confidants...
 
Haven't read, because I don't spend a lot of time in the critiques any more. Sorry.



Read it, and didn't get it. Then again, Prologues have always been a difficult - if not very difficult - thing to write.



Some heavy editing, sorry. But it needed someone doing it. And as you're an author, you're too close to your product to see how it should read. I cleaned it up for at underneath. Compare it to what you wrote and see if it reads better.

Thanks for taking the time to do the grammar editing. I have a plan to make the prologue make sense within the first three chapters. While I plug in little subtle hints throughout the first three chapters. Basically The Constant is like their God and in this chapter I am harking back to the fact that Henry is in fact, in the same hospital he was in before, during the events of the prologue, but he can't remember those events. All that is explored in the first three chapters which basically sets up the entire rest of the book. Something happens to him in there that makes him very important and I was trying to build that up slowly.
 
These are just my views and someone else may have a different experience. You have a lovely voice which carries your work and makes it easy to read but I was just confused. It's hard to introduce a new world - I struggled with a lot of my stories to help a reader visualise it and for it to make sense.

My advice would be to keep it simple and explain things. You can pull out what you don't need later. I hope my comments help.

The story has changed drastically, folks but this intro flows much better and ties everything together. I've never felt so good about an intro though it hasn't really been proof-read to a huge extent. Hope you all feel the same. Sorry for the profanity, that's the characters dirty mind not mine ;)

Prologue:
As Henry Wilson’s world disappeared and the rhythmic rapping of wings was heard somewhere in the distance and his ears felt like they were burning.

This isn't a sentence. It would work as (eg only): As Henry Wilson's world disappeared, the rhythmic rapping of wings was heard somewhere in distance. His ears felt like they were burning.

The bright lights whooshed faster and faster overhead, making him dizzy, or was that the medication? Henry, thought as he tried to remember what was going on. He knew he was in some sort of treatment center but he couldn’t quite make out what his father was saying and he couldn’t remember why he needed to be there in the first place. He could see an unrecognizable man keeping some of the wires that hung above him, steady as they raced the bed down the corridors. The man looked rushed as he kept looking around for some unknown adversary.

After a few more delirious moments. Henry felt himself being lifted and as the world leveled out it seemed to become even more blurry. His eyes got heavy, as he felt himself slipping in and out of consciousness. Through some miracle Henry Wilson was able to make out the last thing he had ever heard his father say to him, “This is for the best son. This is for The Constant.”

Those words have haunted him ever since…

A big burning question: Where is Henry Wilson? Is he on a space flight or is something happening to him? Giving us an idea of where Henry is will help make sense of the prologue. If you can't tell us because it's a spoiler then I'd personally ditch it because I can't see anything in here that would hinder the story or couldn't be told during it. On a personal note I like your clear, crisp and easy to read voice.

All the Time Travel Industry needed a good dose of actual ****ing science, Henry Wilson snickered and sighed to himself as he stared at the ridiculous poster of the flying pig on the wall. The moving picture of the city skyline and the animated words which read “Hang in there, always looking out for you,” didn’t do anything to help the way he felt. The temporal hospital’s fluorescent neon lights only made him more nauseous.

The hospital came out of nowhere. One minute he's seeing a moving picture of the city skyline and the next the temporal hospital has fluorescent lights. Is he passing the hospital or is he in it? Or is it in his mind? I might be missing something but it's not clear.

He shifted with disgust, in his chair in an effort to look away from the pink pests. That’s all they were, the ****ing pests bothered everyone, and it didn’t even matter what any one person was doing at any particular time. The timestream was getting polluted with the ****ing things, and humanity was getting sick of it. Though, Henry was simply annoyed at them, he was even more perplexed by this illness which had caught him completely by surprise! As he touched his left ear he winced and he felt a part of the inner ear melt off and evaporate leaving a trail of dead skin flakes floating up into nothing.

Pink pests = pigs? I think I need to know more about the pests for this to make a lot of sense to me. A few words of info dump won't affect a reader. How are flying pigs on a poster - everywhere?


This disease didn’t make him swear off time travel like a lot of his pansy co-workers. In fact it made him love it all the more, but it was for a different sort of ridiculousness. The politics, the religions, and the idiots who were exploited for the personal gain of the Master Bloodlines—not that he would ever be apart of such a corrupt hierarchy. Henry loved time travel so much that he shaped his entire life around its tricky precision points, various events of causality, and singularity in order to make sure things went smoothly for everybody else and that things didn’t get too corrupted.

What disease? Is this a mental illness?

As much of the modern world embraced the treachery of time travel. He had made a name for himself in the industry as a sort of a legend. So now he sat uncomfortably in the waiting room at Yester-year’s Temporal Hospital while a thousand eyeballs were on him using various internet-connected platforms too numerous to mention. Here, on the outskirts of some random not particularly well-regulated timeline with little to no financial prospects to speak of, he couldn’t help fight the feeling that he had been there before.

This might be a better place to start and then go straight in to the doctor. Henry Wilson sat uncomfortably in the waiting room of Yester-year's Temporal Hospital. A thousand eyeballs were on him through various internet connected platforms. He couldn't fight the feeling that he had been (here?) before.

That to me is clearer and it's intriguing.

Then I'd go straight into the interaction with the doctor - it basically says everything we need to know right now.


“Mr. Wilson?”

Henry stood up quite eloquently and allowed the nurse to show him the way to his room. She seemed flustered and very emotional as she showed him to the patient seat. “I’m sorry, but are you the Henry Wilson? You started the Constant Riots right?”
s.

Did you mean elegantly rather than eloquently?

“You’re brother gave us quite a scare next week. Is he doing ok?”

Who said this? The doctor. Make it clearer.
 
A big burning question: Where is Henry Wilson? Is he on a space flight or is something happening to him? Giving us an idea of where Henry is will help make sense of the prologue. If you can't tell us because it's a spoiler then I'd personally ditch it because I can't see anything in here that would hinder the story or couldn't be told during it. On a personal note I like your clear, crisp and easy to read voice.

The hospital came out of nowhere. One minute he's seeing a moving picture of the city skyline and the next the temporal hospital has fluorescent lights. Is he passing the hospital or is he in it? Or is it in his mind? I might be missing something but it's not clear.

Pink pests = pigs? I think I need to know more about the pests for this to make a lot of sense to me. A few words of info dump won't affect a reader. How are flying pigs on a poster - everywhere?

What disease? Is this a mental illness?

Thanks for that. I'm glad the voice is clear for you even though the places may not be. Yes, this is a brand new world to people and it has been extremely hard wrapping it into novel format. I think I may have been wanting to make it confusing to the reader so that it can be as confusing to them as it is for the character. But I may take your advice about cutting that part if I see that it doesn't make as much sense as I thought it did. As I know, only I know how this story ends.

Basically what I was trying to get across, is that Henry is in the same hospital during the prologue and the first chapter. He just doesn't remember. Something awful or good(?) happens to him there the first time that he doesn't recall. When he goes there the second time, he begins to slowly remember something... Yet it still isn't all too clear for him either. In the next few pages, those I didn't post, we get to understand why he is visiting the hospital in the first place and what the disease is and how that sets up the book. Though it has something to do with the ears.

Maybe you missed it but in both parts I introduce flying pigs as tools that the government uses. They are in the background of the prologue which is what the wings are, and they are the ones who are on the posters as some sort of inspirational posters/government propaganda. The purpose of these flying pigs are really important and something I really need to include in the book(s). I'm not totally certain where their story will end but they're there for a reason.
 
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Thanks for that. I'm glad the voice is clear for you even though the places may not be. Yes, this is a brand new world to people and it has been extremely hard wrapping it into novel format. I think I may have been wanting to make it confusing to the reader so that it can be as confusing to them as it is for the character. But I may take your advice about cutting that part if I see that it doesn't make as much sense as I thought it did. As I know, only I know how this story ends.

Basically what I was trying to get across, is that Henry is in the same hospital during the prologue and the first chapter. He just doesn't remember. Something awful or good(?) happens to him there the first time that he doesn't recall. When he goes there the second time, he begins to slowly remember something... Yet it still isn't all too clear for him either. In the next few pages, those I didn't post, we get to understand why he is visiting the hospital in the first place and what the disease is and how that sets up the book. Though it has something to do with the ears.

Maybe you missed it but in both parts I introduce flying pigs as tools that the government uses. They are in the background of the prologue which is what the wings are, and they are the ones who are on the posters as some sort of inspirational posters/government propaganda. The purpose of these flying pigs are really important and something I really need to include in the book(s). I'm not totally certain where their story will end but they're there for a reason.

I'm not a terribly literary reader (but I do read some literary fiction and even enjoyed James Joyce), so take my advice with a pinch of salt. Don't try to be too clever with it at first. I find the "clever" happens naturally or it's easier to put it in later. To make it clear to the reader, make clear what you can eg where he is, that he isn't finding it clear etc

I've no problem with the flying pigs being tools but they just invade it without it being clear what they are or why they are there.

I just think it needs more scene setting but it is your story and it may be it's just something I'm not getting.

The best piece of advice I got as a new writer was "You're not going to be in the bookshop, standing next to that person reading your first few pages and you can't tell them why you did it."
 
"Thanks for that. I'm glad the voice is clear for you even though the places may not be. Yes, this is a brand new world to people and it has been extremely hard wrapping it into novel format. I think I may have been wanting to make it confusing to the reader so that it can be as confusing to them as it is for the character. But I may take your advice about cutting that part if I see that it doesn't make as much sense as I thought it did. As I know, only I know how this story ends."

For my two cents, and given my amateur status it really is worth about just that, I would ask if you truly want to confuse the reader that much. While it is your story to tell, a prologue is a chancy thing (my own submission included- definitely included!). Would you not risk alienating the reader so early into your story?
 
I started out reading carefully but went back and read it quickly, which helped a lot to ignore the punctuation problems. I really liked the 'what happened next week' bit, and with that I want to read more. I know you are in a complex theme and world, no doubt one that many of us have tried handling or musing about at some time :))) or other. Looking forward to more.
 
I think you need to look carefully at your sentence construction, because at the moment I found it distracting trying to figure out what your sentences actually mean, and that's before I get to the carefully crafted mystery :) I think @AnyaKimlin in her post on Jun 26, 2016 has put into detail the words I would type, so I won't repeat.

Maybe you missed it but in both parts I introduce flying pigs as tools that the government uses.

I sympathise completely. There's a fine balance to be trod between some text the reader might notice, and SOMETHING STANDING OUT BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT. Personally, I prefer the subtle approach, leaving things for readers to pick up as they wish, but then, they don't always pick them up...I guess how blatant you make something depends on how important it is the reader notices the thing. The key for me is to appreciate that whatever you write has to stand on its own feet without any explanation, because

"You're not going to be in the bookshop, standing next to that person reading your first few pages and you can't tell them why you did it."

On the whole though, I wouldn't focus too much on the mystery just now, but more on your basic sentence construction. Once that's sorted out, you could have something.

ABS
 
On the whole though, I wouldn't focus too much on the mystery just now, but more on your basic sentence construction. Once that's sorted out, you could have something.
ABS
What I've done is taken out the mystery portions and the pigs for now, they are still inserted subtly throughout the book, and focused more on describing the hospital and the disease. It flows much better now and will post an updated version to be critiqued once I get farther in the book. As for now I am happy with where it's at based on the advice from people on this thread.
 
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