Preacher's Knife (redone some)

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
Chapter 1
I didn't really need the gun, but caution caused me to push back the left side of my knitted coat revealing the cross draw rig slung low, cavalry style on my hip. The curved butt end of the pistol glinted, reflecting back the light of the street lamps.

I considered briefly whether I should pull out the large iron but decided against it. I knew the man holed up here. This part of Denver was not as rich as some, but it also wasn’t on the frontier or some backwater hole in the wall.

It was well enough to do that it had lights and I didn’t want to have to listen to my boss chew my ass out again about drawing my weapon when I didn’t need to. I could already hear his gruff speech in my head.
“Discretion Marshal Mollon, this isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood. Denver is civilized”

“Minor,” I called out loudly in a friendly tone, “this isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up. Why don’t you just toss out your weapons and surrender yourself into my custody?”

Nothing came forth from the old house that had seen better days. Then a heavy clanking filled the air that was followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove and had knocked something off it.

“Isss that you M..Marshal Mollon?” called out a voice near one of the broken window panes. “Iiis should not have to go anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong.”

I shook my head in exasperation, hearing the drunken slurred words.

"Them men’s, Marshal, they had it coming. Theyy needed someone to ssshut their mouths, they were speaking bad to the ladies.”

I turned back to the two local lawmen who had both noticed my silver star and pushed back the brim of my hat with a thumb. In a jovial voice I said, “He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen.”

The two local lawmen shook their heads disbelievingly. The older and more seasoned one said, “He killed some of those he claimed he did nothing to Marshal. He cut four more within inches of their lives with a rune blade.”

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly and I saw his fingers tighten around the grip of his already drawn pistol. Apparently the men who had been killed were acquaintances of his.

“He also killed one,” growled the second lawman, “with magic, he did Marshal. Turned him to ash with an electrical glyph and now he’s refusing to lower his defenses so that we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law that way.”

The first lawman gave his partner a pointed look. “And all of the witnesses said that he used that glyph in self defense Officer Payton." The second cop gru but he also slid his sidearm back into its holster.

Sighing, I directed my attention back towards the beaten down house. “One of these lawmwn says you might be innocent, Minor, the other one says you aren’t. Why don’t I come up there and we’ll talk about it, all gentlemanly like?”

“Iiis don’t know, Kailen, I mean Marshall..”

I turned to the more sensible local lawman. “You said you had witnesses?”

“Yes, Marshall, they all said he did no wrong and was provoked into defending himself.”

Turning again to the old house I shouted, “I believe we should, Minor. I need to hear your side. One officer here believes the witnesses. I want to be able to convince the second, before he shoots you or puts you in front of a magical killing squad. Don't shoot, I’m coming up.”

“M..Marshall, I’ss don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’ss don’t want any harm to come to you.”

Ignoring the comment, and the stares from the two locals, I started up the walk. As I reached the edge of porch I felt them. Several strong wards flared to life around the house. Power radiated from them in a pulsing wave. They should have repelled me, or at least knocked me back onto the sidewalk, if they could have touched me. A ripple of silver light flashed from the five pointed Marshall’s star on my chest and like oil sliding over water, I felt the wards magic pass around me.

Their power was a testament to Minor’s past life before he had fallen apart and had become what he was now.

Not sure what kind of glyphs Minor might have drawn on the door, and being that glyphs were stronger than wards, I gathered my magic and sent out a faint trickle of power. As my magical senses began tracing the door, several white hot lights burst to life on the surface. One was for fire and another was for electricity. I changed the intensity of my magic and made it into a breaking. A snap, pop and hiss filled the air, then the glyphs faded away. Minor might have a little more power than the usual magic user, but he wasn't a match for someone like me.

Carefully, I opened the door and stepped inside.

Minor’s life had changed when his wife and children had died during an Indian, elven raid a few years ago. Grief and remorse coupled with alcohol and bad decisions after their deaths had crushed the will and motivation of a man who had once been one of the best traders and creators of magical trinkets in the Colorado territory.

Immediately I saw that the house was a wreck. Several months worth of dirt and left over food remains covered the wooden floor. Ripped leather covered the expensive chairs, and what looked like claw marks scored several of the wooden table tops. I found myself wondering as I looked at the jagged cuts if Minor had acquired some sort of pet. A fur carpet lay on the floor and for the life of me I couldn’t tell what color it was supposed to be.

Minor’s once opulent attire now looked like the worn out grimy rags of a street hobo. His shiny black hair was now greasy and streaked with grey. It hung like a lank and listless mop a over his now haggard looking face. His large and powerfully built body had become emaciated to the point that it looked like something had been eating at him from the inside. Cold light emanated from one of his hands, a silver sheen that would have been impossible to see unless you were one who was attuned to magic. I was, so I assumed that it had to be the rune knife he had used earlier.

The smell of blood filled the air with a sickly metallic smell. A sudden burst of adrenaline based fear coursed through me leaving an icy cold filling my veins. Out of old dead habit, I hurruiedly looked about for a corpse or a sacrifice ans saw nothing of the sort. All htat I saw was Minor and he didn’t look at all like the same man I had seen the last time we had met.

Something else was also wrong though besides the blood smell and it had an eerie echo of something that I thought I had left in the past a while ago. and thinking about it caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. There was something wrong with the room.

Velour curtains covered the windows, but they were open and the street lamps outside barely lit the interior. The room shouldn’t have been so dark. A pall of blackness seemed to emanate from…

WIthout even realizing, I was doing so, I sent out a faint trickle of magic again. and this time the hairs standing up on the back of my neck curled tight. I felt a sense, a sense of …

Hell No!

The words crossed my brain before I could stop them. It’s impossible.

My hand snaked out, wrapping about the handle of my peacemaker. It was out of its holster before I even registered the movement and leveled in Minor’s direction, the sight fixed on a point right between his eyes.

Reaching out tentatively with my senses, I poked about the room. I did not want my magic to make contact with what I sensed. What I was afraid I already knew was here.

The silver star on my chest had protected me from Minor’s earlier wards and glyphs but no man was immune to what I feared Minor was clutching in his white knuckled fist.

Damn, I cursed silently, trying not to stare at Minor’s hand. God Damn!

“Minor,” I said carefully and calmly, drawing in a hard breath, trying to hide anxiety from creeping into my voice, “please put that knife down, it’s dangerous.”

As if on cue, Minor lifted the knife and I saw the slight red stain running along its keen edge.

I stared at it, transfixed by the almost living line of blood on the edge of the blade. A shiver of spear ran down my spine like a drop of ice cold water. That damn thing can't be here. It shouldn’t exist, at least not anymore.

The black ruby gracing the hilt of the dagger glittered icy cold, looking just like its creator’s raven colored eyes.

The damn jewel should have been red, it couldn’t be black, not anymore, it was impossible.

Tobias was going to hate this. Faintly I heard my boss’s growling voice again in my mind. “Dang it Marshal Mollon, I thought you finished this last time!. I thought you said that the damn fool was dead."

The ruby on the dagger's hilt had once been red once but blood oath magic had changed it. Now it held a part of its maker’s soul in it and that gave the stone its black color and sentient awareness.

It should not be black though, it was impossible.

I didn’t have to see the crucifix etched into the stone’s face to know who had made it, I had killed its maker. The iron hilt was engraved with ancient blood runes that glowed a slightly reddish tinge. Silvered steel formed the eight inch long serrated blade that was always used over time for blood sacrifices.
 
Hmm.

It's a pretty good setup with some nice concepts in there but it's pretty distant - there's a lot of info and description that doesn't need to be there. You've started with a tense, siege-like scenario, which is a good one, but there's no real sense of what's at stake. Mollon does what he needs to do but there's no description of how he feels when he's doing it. We need to understand more of Mollon's perspective on what's happening. Why is this set-up important?

Also, I'm finding it hard to place the genre. YA modern fantasy? That'd be my guess but not sure.

I like the western setting; I like frontier-style settings; it smack of discovery and the unknown, and man pitting his wits against the world. The magical/ rune stuff is a nice spin on that. Mashing up genres is good, but you should still ensure you can define what it is you're writing. So I'd like to see how you categorise this piece.

Will post some more thorough comments later.
 
I tend not to like too much stuttering or strange pronunciations written in the dialogs. Usually the first word gets the point across without soundimng annoying.

I know Mark Twain did this a lot in his works, so it really is your call.

I would also like to know the setting time.
 
I said I'd do some more extensive comments so here we go. Strikeouts where I think you could lose words / phrases, underlines where I'm providing comments.

I didn't really need the gun (then why say it? You could start with "caution..." and the first line becomes instantly more urgent, but caution caused me to push back the left side of my knitted coat revealing the cross draw rig slung low, cavalry style on my hip (not sure if you need this). The curved butt end of the pistol glinted, reflecting back the light of the street lamps.

I considered briefly whether I should pull out the large iron but decided against it. I knew the man holed up here (holed up where? You've not shown us a building/house yet etc). This part of Denver was not as rich as some, but it also wasn’t on the frontier or some backwater hole in the wall.

It was well enough to do that it had lights and I didn’t want to have to listen to my boss chew my ass out again about drawing my weapon when I didn’t need to. I could already hear his gruff speech in my head.
“Discretion Marshal Mollon, this isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood. Denver is civilized”

“Minor,” I called out loudly in a friendly tone, “this isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up. Why don’t you just toss out your weapons and surrender yourself into my custody?”

Nothing came forth from the old house that had seen better days. Then a heavy clanking filled the air that was followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove and had knocked something off it. Ok by now we should have some sort of sense of why Mollon's there, or at least his own thoughts on the matter. At the moment there's nothing at stake for him - it all feels rather routine. Or is that the point? In which case you're going to have to think of a reason why this matters to him, because the set-up is quite nice.

“Isss that you M..Marshal Mollon?” called out a voice near one of the broken window panes. “Iiis should not have to go anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong.”

I shook my head in exasperation, hearing the drunken slurred words.

"Them men’s, Marshal, they had it coming. Theyy needed someone to ssshut their mouths, they were speaking bad to the ladies.”

I turned back to the two local lawmen who had both noticed my silver star and pushed back the brim of my hat with a thumb. In a jovial voice I said, “He claims he did nothing wrong, (add comma) gentlemen.”

The two local lawmen shook their heads disbelievingly. The older and more seasoned one said, “He killed some of those he claimed he did nothing to, (add comma) Marshal. He cut four more within inches of their lives with a rune blade.”

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly and I saw (we know he saw, we're seeing things through his eyes) his fingers tightened around the grip of his already drawn (sounds a bit awkward - perhaps rephrase?) pistol. Apparently the men who had been killed were acquaintances of his. (according to whom? Would be better if the lawman actually said this out loud, would add some tension. It's a bit flat this way)

“He also killed one,” growled the second lawman, “with magic, he did Marshal. Turned him to ash with an electrical glyph and now he’s refusing to lower his defenses so that we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law that way.”

The first lawman gave his partner a pointed look. “And all of the witnesses said that he used that glyph in self defense Officer Payton." The second cop gru (????) but he also slid his sidearm back into its holster.

Sighing (he seems bored. Absolute no-no. I learned this the hard way; if you start with a character who's uninterested in what's happening, your readers will be uninterested. It's harsh but it's true. Mollon needs to change his attitude here because there's little to convince me to read on at this stage.) , I directed my attention back towards the beaten down house. “One of these lawmwn says you might be innocent, Minor, the other one says you aren’t. Why don’t I come up there and we’ll talk about it, all gentlemanly like?” (some internal dialogue would be nice at this stage. What does he really think of Minor, that he isn't saying out loud?)

“Iiis don’t know, Kailen, I mean Marshall..”

I turned to the more sensible local lawman. “You said you had witnesses?”

“Yes, Marshall (you're chopping and changing between "marshall" and "marshal" - it's "marshal") , they all said he did no wrong and was provoked into defending himself.”

Turning again to the old house I shouted, “I believe we should, Minor. I need to hear your side. One officer here believes the witnesses. I want to be able to convince the second, before he shoots you or puts you in front of a magical killing squad. Don't shoot, I’m coming up.”

“M..Marshall, I’ss don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’ss don’t want any harm to come to you.”

Ignoring the comment (why does he ignore it? We need reasons), and the stares from the two locals, I started up the walk. As I reached the edge of porch I felt them. Several strong wards flared to life around the house. Power radiated from them in a pulsing wave. (ok, something's happening but again without context it's hard to know how we should be feeling because we have no reaction from Mollon. Does this scare him, amuse him, anger him? What?) They should have repelled me, or at least knocked me back onto the sidewalk, if they could have touched me. A ripple of silver light flashed from the five pointed (kinda breaks POV because he knows it's five-pointed, and most readers would surely take a guess - who's ever heard of a six-pointed star?) Marshall’s star on my chest and like oil sliding over water, I felt the wards magic pass around me.

Their power was a testament to Minor’s past life before he had fallen apart and had become what he was now. (ok, interesting)

Not sure what kind of glyphs Minor might have drawn on the door, and being that glyphs were stronger than wards, I gathered my magic and sent out a faint trickle of power. As my magical senses began tracing the door, several white hot lights burst to life on the surface. One was for fire and another was for electricity. I changed the intensity of my magic and made it into a breaking. A snap, pop and hiss filled the air, then the glyphs faded away. Minor might have a little more power than the usual magic user, but he wasn't a match for someone like me. (this could all be a lot better It's a bit reportorial, like a journalist stating the facts. And ok, he's a cop, so he might be a matter-of-fact, gruff type, but even so, he's going to have thoughts and fears. Rather than have "this happened, then this happened, then this, etc etc - try and create a bit of conflict in the writing. It's all too nebulous. At this stage in the novel no reader know what "i changed the intensity of my magic and made it into a breaking" actually means. Whereas everybody knows fear and frustration)

Carefully, I opened the door and stepped inside.

Minor’s life had changed when his wife and children had died during an Indian, elven raid a few years ago. Grief and remorse coupled with alcohol and bad decisions after their deaths had crushed the will and motivation of a man who had once been one of the best traders and creators of magical trinkets in the Colorado territory.
(infodump. Could this be fed into the narrative in a less clunky way? It breaks tension. Would perhaps be better to have Minor say this out loud, or have Mollon recount it after the scene to fill in the blanks for the reader. but not here)

Immediately I saw that the house was a wreck. Several months worth of dirt and left over food remains covered the wooden floor. Ripped leather covered the expensive chairs, and what looked like claw marks scored several of the wooden table tops. I found myself wondering as I looked at the jagged cuts if Minor had acquired some sort of pet. A fur carpet lay on the floor and for the life of me I couldn’t tell what color it was supposed to be. (Mollon's reactions to this? Hand to the mouth? Pinch the nose? Nothing?)

Minor’s once opulent attire now looked like the worn out grimy rags of a street hobo. His shiny black hair was now greasy and streaked with grey. It hung like a lank and listless mop a over his now haggard looking face. His large and powerfully built body had become emaciated to the point that it looked like something had been eating at him from the inside. Cold light emanated from one of his hands, a silver sheen that would have been impossible to see unless you were one who was attuned to magic. I was, so I assumed that it had to be the rune knife he had used earlier.

The smell of blood filled the air with a sickly metallic smell. A sudden burst of adrenaline based fear coursed through me leaving an icy cold filling my veins. Out of old dead habit, I hurruiedly looked about for a corpse or a sacrifice ans saw nothing of the sort. All htat I saw was Minor and he didn’t look at all like the same man I had seen the last time we had met.

Something else was also wrong though besides the blood smell and it had an eerie echo of something that I thought I had left in the past a while ago. and thinking about it caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. There was something wrong with the room.

Velour curtains covered the windows, but they were open and the street lamps outside barely lit the interior. The room shouldn’t have been so dark. A pall of blackness seemed to emanate from…

WIthout even realizing, I was doing so, I sent out a faint trickle of magic again. and this time the hairs standing up on the back of my neck curled tight. I felt a sense, a sense of …

Hell No!

The words crossed my brain before I could stop them. It’s impossible.

My hand snaked out, wrapping about the handle of my peacemaker. It was out of its holster before I even registered the movement and leveled in Minor’s direction, the sight fixed on a point right between his eyes.

Reaching out tentatively with my senses, I poked about the room. I did not want my magic to make contact with what I sensed. What I was afraid I already knew was here.

The silver star on my chest had protected me from Minor’s earlier wards and glyphs but no man was immune to what I feared Minor was clutching in his white knuckled fist.

Damn, I cursed silently, trying not to stare at Minor’s hand. God Damn!

“Minor,” I said carefully and calmly, drawing in a hard breath, trying to hide anxiety from creeping into my voice, “please put that knife down, it’s dangerous.”

As if on cue, Minor lifted the knife and I saw the slight red stain running along its keen edge.

I stared at it, transfixed by the almost living line of blood on the edge of the blade. A shiver of spear ran down my spine like a drop of ice cold water. That damn thing can't be here. It shouldn’t exist, at least not anymore.

The black ruby gracing the hilt of the dagger glittered icy cold, looking just like its creator’s raven colored eyes.

The damn jewel should have been red, it couldn’t be black, not anymore, it was impossible.

Tobias was going to hate this. Faintly I heard my boss’s growling voice again in my mind. “Dang it Marshal Mollon, I thought you finished this last time!. I thought you said that the damn fool was dead."

The ruby on the dagger's hilt had once been red once but blood oath magic had changed it. Now it held a part of its maker’s soul in it and that gave the stone its black color and sentient awareness.

It should not be black though, it was impossible.

I didn’t have to see the crucifix etched into the stone’s face to know who had made it, I had killed its maker. The iron hilt was engraved with ancient blood runes that glowed a slightly reddish tinge. Silvered steel formed the eight inch long serrated blade that was always used over time for blood sacrifices.

OK, I stopped after halfway because it's all the same thing. The setup is nice, is pretty well written, save the odd error, but the massive problem is the fact the Mollon is basically a robot - there's nothing to him at present. Give him some motivation and some feeling and some stakes and this will improve tenfold.

Good luck!
 
I didn't really need the gun This is really good as an opening sentence. I'd recommend you treat it exactly like that, and not allow the sentence to run on as you have it, as that diminishes its impact as an opening, but caution caused me to push back the left side of my knitted coat revealing the cross draw rig slung low, cavalry style on my hip Lots of adjective here, and it's all omniscient description which removes immediacy. After a strong opening, you're actually pulling the story away from the reader. The curved butt end of the pistol glinted, reflecting back the light of the street lamps. Do you really need to say the pistol had a "curved" butt? Sounds as though it would be more succint to describe it as a revolver. And isn't the butt usually dull? How does this one glint? Because it's an ivory or metal handle? If so, be clear and show us, don't make us wrestle with hints.

I considered briefly whether I should pull out the large iron but decided against it. You opened that he didn't really need a gun, so you're kind of repeating yourself here, and keeping us away from the immediacy. I knew the man holed up here. This part of Denver was not as rich as some, but it also wasn’t on the frontier or some backwater hole in the wall. Is Denver known for being a frontier town or backwater hole? I really don't know, but I'm left wondering if you're forcing the description somewhat. Also, these are rather generic comments - you could make the description stronger by describing something actual about the setting - of which we currently know nothing,

It was well enough to do that it had lights and I didn’t want to have to listen to my boss chew my ass out again - ouch! You've jumped into detective fiction cliche with this bit about drawing my weapon when I didn’t need to But - again - you opened by saying that he didn't really need the gun. You're in danger of labouring the point. What you're doing is keeping us from the immediacy of the story again. I could already hear his gruff speech in my head.
“Discretion Marshal Mollon, this isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood. Denver is civilized”

“Minor,” I called out loudly - unnecessary - can you call out quietly? in a friendly tone, “this isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up. Why don’t you just toss out your weapons and surrender yourself into my custody?”

Nothing came forth from the old house that had seen better days. It may or may not have been better to provide setting earlier - all you've said is that this place wasn't frontier and has streetlights Then a heavy clanking filled the air that was followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove and had knocked something off it.

“Isss that you M..Marshal Mollon?” called out a voice near one of the broken window panes. “Iiis should not have to go anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong.” You could just say that a slurred voice called out from behind a broken window pane. The slurred speech that you're writing comes across as a caricature Mexican accent to me

I shook my head in exasperation, Why is the marshal exasperated at hearing these words? hearing the drunken slurred words. cf above.

"Them men’s, Marshal, they had it coming. Theyy needed someone to ssshut their mouths, they were speaking bad to the ladies.”

I turned back to the two local lawmen who had both noticed my silver star and pushed back the brim of my hat with a thumb. The way you've written it, two local law men have suddenly appeared, noticed the silver star, then pushed back the marshal's hat In a jovial voice I said, “He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen.” So...why has the marshal chased down this boy, reasoning that he doesn't need his gun?

The two local lawmen shook their heads disbelievingly. The older and more seasoned one said, “He killed some of those he claimed he did nothing to Marshal. To me the sentence comes across as clumsy and convoluted. Why not simply say "He killed [x] men?" He cut four more within inches within an inch? of their lives with a rune blade rune blade? Good element of intrigue - it's different, and raises questions for the reader.

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly and I saw his fingers tighten around the grip of his already drawn pistol. Again, the sentence feels clumsy - that you could be more succinct here Apparently the men who had been killed were acquaintances of his. How could this be inferred?

“He also killed one,” growled the second lawman, “with magic, Your missing a trick to emphasise "magic" - you can use it by writing "He also killed one with magic," - that way, magic stands out as a word more he did Marshal. Turned him to ash with an electrical glyph and now he’s refusing to lower his defenses so that we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law that way.”

The first lawman gave his partner a pointed look. At the moment we have two nameless people dominating the scene. It would be helpful to know their names. Additionally, at this point your marshal has become a passive bystander at the start of his own story “And all of the witnesses said that he used that glyph in self defense Officer Payton." The second cop gru - ??? but he also slid his sidearm back into its holster. Malon is simply listening to two lawmen, who don't seem clear on what Minor has done or even why they're there.

Sighing, I directed my attention back towards the beaten down house. “One of these lawmwn - sp says you might be innocent, Minor, the other one says you aren’t. Why don’t I come up there and we’ll talk about it, all gentlemanly like?” The thing is, do the other two lawmen have to be here, even having this disucssion? As a creative suggestion, wouldn't it have been better for marshal to have already had that conversation with them before this point, and therefore you could be more focused on the immediacy of Malon confronting Minor?


I'll stop there because the next section of the story continues with a discussion, and it's killing your tension.

Now, there's a lot of promise in this piece, and while I've highlighted a lot of potential issues, I think there's the making of a great story in this. But you're forgetting to tell it - you're allowing it to degenerate into chatter, when really it should be all about the tension of the moment.

You've got the start of a strong opening, which is good. But it's also ideal to convey something of setting reasonably quickly. What you've done instead is not mention much about setting, challenging the reader to create their own image - but at various points in this piece you add details to define that setting, which may result in you simply challenging the reader to forget what they imagined before and to visualise something different. Better just to mention description early, then leave it for the reader to make whatever image they can of that, and leave them to it - adding only descriptions that change the setting.

You've got some nice intriguing elements in this scene - stick with them. But also be mindful of your POV use, and be careful of allowing it to wander. Your POV character should be making a quick impression, not a vague one.

Feels like I'm being a little harsh, but really, there's not all that much work involved in bringing this piece up to a higher standard. You got this far - I'm sure you can do the rest as you see fit. :)
 
Yup, good concept and just needs some trimming and clarifying to make sure that we know we are in a magic/cowboy universe, not so easy as it sounds.
 
Started out well, then seemed to bounce around between the story and statements that I don't know what to do with. Comments like these threw me off:
Their power was a testament to Minor’s past life before he had fallen apart and had become what he was now.

Whose power? Because the Marshall's protection appeared to easily protect him, that says something about Minor's past life?

I assume with more story, some of this will make more sense, but sensing the item and commenting on the stone color just make the story hard to follow at this point.
 
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