First post for crits

[yorelm]

This is the opening to a steam punk-ish short story I'm working on. I really wanted the story critted, but the word allowance is woefully small for a crit forum. Since I have to respect that, I'll break it up into about five separate pieces over time.
All and any comments welcome, and a pre thanks for taking the time.

The Fallacies of Netra Pinkama

Delling poured himself one more shot of Bourbon, savoring these last few moments at the lodge. In less than five minutes, he’d be forced into a week of a life he dreaded. It wasn’t something he could easily refuse--not without causing friction with high-minded officials. The best plan was to go along to keep peace.

He stroked his beard and turned to Arthur who stood by the bookcase. Arthur was a senior lodge member and the two of them hunted more rabbits, deer, and occasional buffalo than anybody else Delling partnered with. They'd even set a lodge record for 1852, probably more than any other lodge in the state. The three of them--him, Arthur and Arthur's damned ever-present cigar. You'd smell the man long before you saw him.

Arthur exhaled a puff of smoke. “Well, your time has finally come, Delling.” His voice echoed in the sparsely furnished room. “Any last words? You look fine in those rags, by the way."

Delling's supplied outfit wasn't rags so much as bad taste--a tombstone hat he refused to wear, breeches that barely stayed up without a tight belt, a horrid red bib shirt, and over-sized snakeskin boots. Common clothes for common folk--which he was emphatically not--but they were comfortable. Being forced into poverty had one advantage so far. Still, Delling sneered at Arthur’s comment and didn’t grace him with a response.

James, their treasurer, added more salt. “Law is law. All of us, except you and Lawrence, have done our ‘poor week.’ I can tell you first hand that it was an...entertaining break from my comfort--and you fellows. Not as dreadful as you might think. I feel a better man for it.”

“This law,” Delling said, “is something some man felt was a fine idea. I don't share that ideal, and nobody should impose his beliefs on me. I’m a professional businessman, I’ve no time for somebody else’s idea of self help.”

“It’s not ‘self help’ so much as better understanding.” James said.

James poured himself a drink as though stalling for a response. Delling folded his arms and glared.

“And it wasn’t one man’s idea,” Arthur said, taking a few steps toward Delling. “When you moved to this town, you knew, and therefore agreed, with the law. All men of wealth are told upfront.”

Delling knew, but he never expected to really be forced to spend time with common folk. He saw the law more as a formality, something to make the town seem more righteous to newcomers. He’d never seen anybody actually execute it, but the others, he supposed, had served their time before he arrived.

“Best be on your way.” James pointed to the clock over the fireplace. “Noon. I wish you well, and I wouldn’t recommend you telling anyone about the fine banker businessman you are. Might not go well for you.”

Delling gulped the last of his bourbon, grabbed his patched jacket from the back of the chair, and strolled out to the waiting carriage so kindly provided by the city council. His worn books clopping on the hardwood floor was his goodbye.

He put on his jacket to block the early October wind and nodded to the man at the reins. The driver, a puny man, waited for him to board, then yanked the straps and drove him near the poor section.

“You can walk the rest of the way,” the driver said. “Won’t do for them to see you delivered by carriage like some Mary.” He shoved a few dollars at Delling, just enough for a few days of food. “That’s your allotment. Better make the best of it. You’ll have to find a way to work for anything else. Enjoy your stay.”

Delling wanted to punch the weasel’s face. That just might ease his mood, but the driver pulled the reins and trotted off.

On his own now, Delling surrendered to the stench of horse manure and poverty. This would not be a good week.

 

[Dan Jones]

Congratulations on your first crit!

This is really smart work, I like it. Quite a lot, actually.

The writing is fine, both stylistically and technically, and the premise is certainly interesting. It certainly has an intrinsically American feel to it, and not just geographically. The struggle of individual enterprise - sometimes dangerous, sometimes bountiful, always risky - against a potentially oppressive state is something that fits very nicely with the 19th century American culture of prospecting.

A few observations.

You could get just a weeny bit closer to Delling's POV. You've got across his circumstance (albeit without details of where he's headed, but I can live with that), and the fact he's not happy about it - but again without giving us a glimpse inside his head. The only glimpse we get is "a week of a life he dreaded." Is he feeling angry, nervous, terrified, antagonistic, up for a fight, or something else? At the moment the one IMO the piece would benefit from the most is a greater sense of character.

There are hints of you being a bit overly "telly" rather than "showy". For instance, the following instances:

He saw the law more as a formality, something to make the town seem more righteous to newcomers.

The use of "He saw" keeps it ever so slightly distant and passive.

Arthur was a senior lodge member and the two of them hunted more rabbits, deer, and occasional buffalo than anybody else Delling partnered with.

This is a bit "telly" - might the info be conveyed in a slightly more dynamic way?

Common clothes for common folk--which he was emphatically not--but they were comfortable

Is there a more visible way of showing that he's wealthy - or even a way to show what type of wealth he is (ie "Old" wealth, like landed gentry and the like, or "New" or "self-made" wealth, like Gatsby and his type)? This might help to provide a bit more context.

I wouldn’t recommend you telling anyone about the fine banker businessman you are

Ah, ok.

And, lastly:

any other lodge in the state

Would it do any harm to say exactly which state?

But overall, I think this has oodles of potential, and like it rather a lot. Keep it up!

 

[yorelm]

Thanks DG! Funny you should mention the "state" because at first I had California, then changed it to Arizona, then changed to no name. I don't even recall my reasoning for that, but I'm going back to my first choice of California because of your suggestion. Thanks for that.

I suppose I was slightly more distant than usual in this section just to set things up, but I can see small areas where I could have been closer. I'll start with the parts you pointed out once I revise.

"Arthur was a senior lodge member and the two of them hunted more rabbits, deer, and occasional buffalo than anybody else Delling partnered with."
This is a bit "telly" - might the info be conveyed in a slightly more dynamic way?

I was trying to make that known (it's highly pertinent) wo straying too far from the matter at hand. Do you have a suggestion to make it more dynamic, yet remain focused?

The use of "He saw" keeps it ever so slightly distant and passive.
I understand about he/she saw, felt, etc. But the connotation here was more like a view point. Perhaps, "He considered" would flow better?

Thanks again.

 

[Brian G Turner]

the word allowance is woefully small for a crit forum

That's because we don't look to crit the whole story - but most problems are usually visible from the very start.

As for the piece itself - it's not badly written at all, and generally flows smooth.

However, I have some reservations on technical points:

1. There's no opening tension, and none really develops through the piece. I bet there is later in the story. In which case, does the story actually begin here, or is this just background information you could easily get rid of and simply reference later on as appropriate? A lot of this scene is nothing more than an exchange of information through dialogue, which is dangerously close to being an infodump.

2. We don't get much sense of character. In fact, what little we see of Delling isn't very endearing - he sneers, and argues, and is arrogant about the lower classes. If this is your protagonist then presumably his values will be challenged - but do be aware that an unsympathetic protagonist can be a hard sell, as reader's generally prefer someone sympathetic from the start.

3. Conflict is the driver of the written story. External events helps to facilitate that, but generally the more focused the story is on a protagonist's inner conflict, the stronger the story potential. In this instance, there's no real conflict, other than Delling doesn't want to do a thing. It doesn't give us a sense of someone conflicted, merely someone being surly.


As first mentioned, your writing is decent - the pointers above are recommended as ways to look at this opening again, and think on how to make it better. It's so difficult to get an agent - or a reader's attention - that it can be helpful to think about trying to engage as quickly as possible. Additionally, because your opening has such a relaxed manner, it doesn't offer promise that the story is going to develop pace later. Without seeing more, I'm wondering if your story wouldn't start better with Delling facing some challenge during his experience - some inner struggle or situation that will help bring the reader in faster?

 

[yorelm]

Thank you for taking the time time to comment, Brian.

I can't honestly say I agree with all your points (I very much feel there is conflict), but I can say I do understand and agree with what you're saying holistically, and it's 100% worth a re-thought on some of the passage. In fact, I have Scrivener open right now to re-read with your suggestions in mind.

Delling's not meant to be endearing at this point. I feel, through the rest of the story, I'm up for the challenge of the "hard sell."

 

[millymollymo]

Steampunk (ish) comes with its own within genre expectations, embracing the era is a delicate struggle. Sharing perceived vocabulary without burying us in twee is a nightmarish balancing act. Steampunk, for me, involves an aesthetic, and yes, "ish" was your definition so you have brushed on its edges and merged with that of the era's exploration of Western States. The sense of establishment is clear in your admirable set up.

But I can't shake the feeling, despite the quality of the writing, that what you have shared with us to start with is "set up." I believe when you look over this, perhaps after a little distance, you will see how you can further hone what you have here. There is a great deal of subtle suggestion of what might be to come, but only you know what that is, so it is more obvious to you. We don't. Your reader wants/needs more to sink into it. Get us closer to Delling, or closer to the threat you have hiding in the pages ahead.
It is a battle I have with my own work, but one well worth having.

 

[yorelm]

Thanks Milly. Yes, I do see it. When I re-read with Brian's comments still open, I saw what he meant more clearly. His suggestions skewed me toward taking my knowing self out of the equation and read more objectively. Your comment reiterated that.
Really glad I posted this now.

 

[yorelm]

I'm having a little trouble, and it may be because, as Milly stated, I need distance.
Brian, Milly, if either of you have the time or desire, can you point to specific spots where you feel things could be changed? Or is it more of a "as a whole" thing?
I keep thinking it's somewhat engaging, but I'm horribly blinded by bias.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hiya, on a fly past here. firstly - the 1500 word thing. I railed against it when I got here. Now, really, it is all we need to see at a time. You will get loads of feedback on it and have time to address that before your next post. We really, really don't need to see the entirety to crit.

On the piece itself - for me, it was back story and info I could pick up as I go along. A lot of description, too. The writing is fine, but doesn't grip me, because, I think, the scene setting is coming across as stronger than any conflict and story. I'd consider if this scene does enough to hook and if you need all the info in it.

 

[yorelm]

Hiya, on a fly past here. firstly - the 1500 word thing. I railed against it when I got here. Now, really, it is all we need to see at a time. You will get loads of feedback on it and have time to address that before your next post. We really, really don't need to see the entirety to crit.

On the piece itself - for me, it was back story and info I could pick up as I go along. A lot of description, too. The writing is fine, but doesn't grip me, because, I think, the scene setting is coming across as stronger than any conflict and story. I'd consider if this scene does enough to hook and if you need all the info in it.

Yes, I understand. I already read the rules, so I shouldn't have even complained.
And yes, I'm simply not seeing how this as so uninteresting as stated and so far, except for DG.
So time away it is.

 

[J Riff]

IS self-help hyphenated, or not? Stay tuned. *

 

[Mad Alice]

Congratulations upon your first crit!
Here is where we savage your writing babies, so it can seem harsh at times, but we have to show you how to look at things outside of the lovely stories in your head writing mode, to what we see looking in reading mode, and whatever we think can make it easier to show people that story you are trying to tell them.

Its good. But as the others have said, a bit distant and telly.
There are a few things you can do to amp up the seeming cost of the protagonists problem. Like making the "threat" situation more evident with a bit stronger language.
For example, at the beginning?
One more shot of bourbon to one last shot.
Last few moments to final few moments.

Omnescent third is by itself very distancing. While this does give an old time feel to the piece, very nice for steam punk, have you thought of throwing in the occasional direct address for thoughts or using dialogue to introduce your information? The descriptive paragraphs are cleverly done, but there is quite a bit of passive description that gives this piece a very slow pace, that is slowed down even more because when reading in the omnescent voice you keep waiting for the action to start.
A lot of long sentences. If you have a sentence with "and" as a conjunctive, I would consider separating it into two sentences to change up the pace.

And at the end? Was this a typo? Books on the floor?
Books to boots perhaps?
Anyways good little story!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okey, dokey, so I'll try to show what's slowing it down for me. But remember, I'm not an editor or anything, so this is purely personal.

The Fallacies of Netra Pinkama

Delling poured himself one more shot of Bourbon, savoring these last few moments at the lodge. In less than five minutes, he’d be forced into a week of a life he dreaded. Here, you have the chance to up the tension by telling us what he's dreading - but you don't. Presumably it's to make the reader wonder what this might be, but that doesn't work so early in the story for me. In fact, it irks me because you're hiding something from me and I feel a little cheated. It wasn’t something he could easily refuse--not without causing friction with high-minded officials. The best plan was to go along to keep peace.

He stroked his beard and turned to Arthur who stood by the bookcase. Arthur was a senior lodge member and the two of them hunted more rabbits, deer, and occasional buffalo than anybody else Delling partnered with.why do I need to know this? What does it add to the opening? How does it hook me? Whisper it - I find it slightly dull. I'd much rather know what's about to go pear-shaped. They'd even set a lodge record for 1852, probably more than any other lodge in the state. The three of them--him, Arthur and Arthur's damned ever-present cigar. You'd smell the man long before you saw him.

Arthur exhaled a puff of smoke. “Well, your time has finally come, Delling.” His voice echoed in the sparsely furnished room. “Any last words? You look fine in those rags, by the way."

Delling's supplied outfit wasn't rags so much as bad taste--a tombstone hat he refused to wear, breeches that barely stayed up without a tight belt, a horrid red bib shirt, and over-sized snakeskin boots. Common clothes for common folk--which he was emphatically not--but they were comfortable. Being forced into poverty had one advantage so far. Still, Delling sneered at Arthur’s comment and didn’t grace him with a response.around now, I'm getting seriously irked. You're telling me about cigars and clothes and not the thing which seems most important. If I was reading for real, this is as far as I'd get because I'd assume your secret hooky thing mustn't be that good if you don't want to tell me.

James, their treasurer, added more salt. “Law is law. All of us, except you and Lawrence, have done our ‘poor week.’ That's it? I waited five paragraphs with a possible hook to discover it's a workplace practice, and your character is too much of a snob to want to do it. So now I feel cheated and Idon't like your character.... I can tell you first hand that it was an...entertaining break from my comfort--and you fellows. Not as dreadful as you might think. I feel a better man for it.”

“This law,” Delling said, “is something some man felt was a fine idea. I don't share that ideal, and nobody should impose his beliefs on me. I’m a professional businessman, I’ve no time for somebody else’s idea of self help.”how does he feel as he says this? Frustrated, angry, robbed? Helpless? Pull us into him.

“It’s not ‘self help’ so much as better understanding.” ," James said. James said.

James poured himself a drink as though stalling for a response. Delling folded his arms and glared.you have no clear point of view character, which isn't a problem per se but be aware omni is a hard sell in sff.

“And it wasn’t one man’s idea,” Arthur said, taking a few steps toward Delling. “When you moved to this town, you knew, and therefore agreed, with the law. All men of wealth are told upfront.”

Delling knew, but he never expected to really be forced to spend time with common folk. He saw the law more as a formality, something to make the town seem more righteous to newcomers. He’d never seen anybody actually execute it, but the others, he supposed, had served their time before he arrived.

“Best be on your way.” James pointed to the clock over the fireplace. “Noon. I wish you well, and I wouldn’t recommend you telling anyone about the fine banker businessman you are. Might not go well for you.”getting pretty bored here. Nothing has happened since the start of the scene. We've been told things and what not, but nothing has actually happened. How much cooler would this be starting with Delling shovelling pig s**t or something? Or feeling unsafe because he's out on the streets? How much more tension would this have? Here, we have no tension because there's no discernable danger. He's simply doing a corporate pro bono and being a moan about it...

Delling gulped the last of his bourbon, grabbed his patched jacket from the back of the chair, and strolled strolling indicates he's relaxed - so the reader will be too, which doesn't hook. It's similar to an opening when your reader is bored and rarely hooks. out to the waiting carriage so kindly provided by the city council. His worn books boots? clopping on the hardwood floor was his goodbye.

He put on his jacket to block the early October wind and nodded to the man at the reins. The driver, a puny man, waited for him to board, then yanked the straps and drove him near the poor section.two paragraphs about getting on a cart....

“You can walk the rest of the way,” the driver said. “Won’t do for them to see you delivered by carriage like some Mary.” He shoved a few dollars at Delling, just enough for a few days of food. “That’s your allotment. Better make the best of it. You’ll have to find a way to work for anything else. Enjoy your stay.”

Delling wanted to punch the weasel’s face. That just might ease his mood, but the driver pulled the reins and trotted off.

On his own now, Delling surrendered to the stench of horse manure and poverty. This would not be a good week.

And, really, nothing happened. We were told something was going to happen, and the back story was set, but there is no hint as to what the tension really is (I'm assuming it's not a story about a bored and grumpy Delling?) or what I should be worried about - because I'm not in the least bit worried about Delling who seems a dilletante snob who a good week's hard work might improve.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but you asked what wasn't working and, for me, it's that the opening scene selection doesn't work. I'd ditch this, start with him in a much more conflicting scene, and drop this backstory in in about fifteen words or so...

 

[Hex]

Nice underlying idea, but I do agree that there's a lot of chat before the story begins. I think because we don't know what's going to happen -- or if anything is, or (since Delling isn't hugely sympathetic) whether we would care very much if something bad happened to him -- it doesn't have the same resonance for us as it does for you, the writer.

You do need distance to see this more clearly -- for me, about 6 months of working on something else usually does it -- but it's difficult to walk away from something you're invested in while you're still interested, so I don't seriously suggest that you should.

For me, the conversation is very leisurely. I wonder if you could get the same information across in about a third of the space?

I don't know how important the full range of characters is, but one way to manage it would be to have Arthur actually in the carriage with Delling as they make their way to the poorer area, and for him to have a briefer, more intense discussion with Delling about it as Delling gets changed into his clothes.

What does Delling stand to lose if he won't do the poor week? Has anything bad happened to anyone else who did it? If you want to ramp up the tension a bit, maybe Delling could feel under threat, both socially and in terms of what's coming?

I don't read much steampunk so the genre expectations might be different.

 

[The Judge]

I'm more tolerant of slow "telly" openings than most around here, and I rather enjoyed it. To me the somewhat old-fashioned feel of the narrative chimed well with the time period in which it's apparently set. I'd also say that by and large readers who are not themselves writers are more tolerant of such things, as is evidenced by a great many self-published novels which we'd uniformly deride, but which nonetheless sell. Having said that, every piece can be improved, and I'd not object to slightly closer POV and slightly less telling.

How you approach revising it depends on what you want to do with it. If it's just an exercise in writing, then it might be good practice to write it in very close third and follow everyone's advice here, and make it more immediately grabbing, just to see how it works. If you were planning on posting it on your own website or something of that kind, then there's no need to do anything, of course, but my preferred alternative would be to read around some C19th short story American authors (O Henry comes to mind) and consciously adopt that style for the narrative, to make it quirky. But if you were hoping to sell this to a magazine or the like, then research what kind of stories they publish, but almost certainly you'd need to go the immediately-grabbing route.

In the latter respect:

This is the opening to a steam punk-ish short story I'm working on. I really wanted the story critted... I'll break it up into about five separate pieces over time.

If it's an exercise, or something you're posting yourself on a website, no problem, though I'd suggest you leave it a few days before putting up the next 1,000 words or so, and then a good 10 days or longer before the next instalment, so as to avoid flooding the forum. But if you were planning to sell the story, don't put any more up at all, as you'll probably fall foul of the not-previously-published rule most magazines have (I believe). However, we do have a Writing Group for those members with over 100 posts, which is "hidden", and where entire stories can be posted for feedback without possibly publishing repercussions, so hang around a bit more, join in more conversations, and try your luck there.

Anyway, good luck with it.

 

[yorelm]

Ok, as I read through each post, the things stated began to click.
They were made clearer by specific points which is what I was seeking.

My plan now is to condense and rid the leisureliness.
I mean, it really makes sense because everything afterward is completely from Delling's POV.
The open for this is the most "different" or "normal" section of the entire story directly because I was trying to catch that old vibe-y feel.

The crux of the story, Netra Pinkama, starts as soon as Delling walks into the poor section (the scene after this), so it's best to get there as soon as possible. Still, there's parts of this opening I definitely want to keep where it is. There's no time for trickling later, and some things need to be foreshadowed. But what I do keep, I'll make much, much briefer. The "by one-third" figure sounds pretty good to me, if not a bit less.

Thank you all for the response and opening up these big eyes. lol!
I think I've got it now.

oh, and yes, 'books' was a typo for boots.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Brian, Milly, if either of you have the time or desire, can you point to specific spots where you feel things could be changed?

I'll give you the honest answer - as aspiring writers we are especially hard on ourselves, and each other. Readers are far more forgiving. Sometimes we fear that agents and editors will think like writers, but perhaps the truth is that they are more tuned in to what readers actually want.

Much of the feedback in a Critique will be based on what we - ourselves - see as more ideal storytelling. The question is never whether this writing is acceptable or not - I'm sure I could pull published works from a bookshop shelf and find something similar to what you've done here. The question is always more of a "could you do it better".

The best thing to do is to listen to your own feelings on this. You are already considering that perhaps this isn't the best opening, and perhaps the story doesn't actually start until we reach the poor quarter. I think that does come across in this piece. Perhaps you'll get rid of this scene later, or perhaps you'll rewrite it with more foreshadowing and tension and conflict.

Here's the thing - from what you've said, you are still writing this. Which is absolutely fine - you are still working on the first draft.

The first draft is simply where the writer gets the basics down. The second draft is where the story starts to get tightened - some bits will go, some will be added, and other parts will change. The story will evolve as you work on it. BUT you need to complete the story first to even reach the redrafting stage.

So the feedback you've got so far is that it could do with being more engaging - certainly at the start. This is utterly normal with a first draft. Bear everything in mind, but don't sweat it - get your first draft finished first, then look at what you've got. Only then will you be able to see where your strengths and weaknesses may be coming through. From the feedback you've got so far, hopefully you'll be more aware of that.

 

[yorelm]

Thank you Brian and I am indeed more aware.
I smiled when the little ding clicked after I finished reading the comments.
Actually, it begin to 'click' during the reading.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I'm late to the party. Again.

First, congrats on your first mauling... err... critique. It's hard, but a healthy pain, like a wound healing.

I really like your writing style and the piece is lovely, but it does need tightening. I think the opening section doesn't need to burst with blood and gore, or even drama, but the piece you've put up here would be the perfect place to ramp up the tension before the action begins.

If you can keep your lovely relaxed style, but drop hints of drama or danger in the immediate future this could really work. Maybe an off-the-cuff comment about '...poor Cooper. His money couldn't save him...' or similar, to suggest it's not just a week of hardship but something much more hazardous.

You'd have to be more subtle than that, but you have to intrigue the reader with hints, like playing a fish, or you have to tell all and reveal the actual danger.

All this is just my opinion, and I'm a relative beginner myself. If in doubt, go with older, wiser heads. Grey hair and lined faces *cough* naming no names.

 

[yorelm]

First, congrats on your first mauling... err... critique.

LOL! I mean quite literally.
I loved it after I got over my own stubbornness. But yes, the scene definitely stays, but I strongly agree with shortening, and adding more tension at the same time. I love challenges like that. Those alone will help things flow to the next scene better and a bit stronger, and I can still have the info I want known revealed.

Thank you, Kerry.