The Goddess Project blurb attempt

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HareBrain

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I've been working on a front cover, so my mind turned to what might go on the back. All comments and suggestions welcome, whether you already know about the story or not.

_____


For two years, freedivers Orc and Cass have searched for a way to recover their magically hidden memories, without which they cannot have a future together. Blackmailed into joining an expedition to a distant island, they believe their luck might be about to turn when they learn that beneath the island’s sunken ziggurat lies an ancient artefact that might help them.

But also on the expedition is the occultist Lucien Daroguerre, who knows a truth about them they could never guess, and who intends to use that knowledge to perform the greatest magical working since the Flood. A power from the dawn of human thought is gathering beneath the fragile surface of the industrial world — and if Orc and Cass don’t work out who to trust, they will be its first victims.


_____


One thing I'm not sure about is the word "industrial" -- I did have "modern", but though the world is modern to them, it probably suggests too much that it's going to be 21stC. Any ideas on this?

Also, I'm not fond of "a truth about them they could never guess" but most of the alternatives I tried (such as "a secret about them") weren't clear enough that this was something O&C don't themselves know.

Lastly, if you do know the story, is there anything I've left out that might make it more enticing without overcooking it?
 
Hey HB! I took a pass at this...I've mentioned to Jo when trying to help her that I know virtually nothing about blurbs, but I hope that something of what I've written might be of use to you.

There is so much wonderful..substance to your book, that I am not sure what else might be included in the space restrictions that must be considered for the back of a novel. I'll look at the suggestions others make as the thread progresses, and see if I have any other thoughts. Best of luck! CC


Freedivers Orc and Cass have searched two years for a way to recover vital memories hidden from them by unknown magic. Their future together is as uncertain as their grasp on their own pasts. Blackmailed into joining an expedition to a distant island, they believe their luck might be about to turn when they realize that beneath the island’s sunken ziggurat lies an ancient artefact that might be the key to every mystery that has haunted them.

But answers in this world rarely come without personal costs, and danger. The occultist Lucien Daroguerre is also a member of the expedition, and he knows a piece of the hidden truths about Orc and Cass that they could never guess. He will use that knowledge to perform the greatest magical working since the Flood that devastated this world centuries before. For a power from the dawn of human thought is gathering beneath the fragile surface of the mechanized world — and if Daroguerre is succesful in unleashing it, and if Orc and Cass don’t work out who of their diverse companions they can trust, they will be its newest victims.

"fragile surface of the industrial world"
--contemporary world
--modern-day world
--non-magical world
 
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I don't think you're selling it as effectively as you could, but these are tricky things, these blurbs... Don't you want to mention Tashi? Or otter?

Freedivers Orc and Cass are washed up on a beach in an unfamiliar world with no memories of who they are or where they came from. Searching for the truth, they join an expedition to acquire an artefact from a sunken ziggurat -- an artefact, they are promised, that contains the answer to their identities.

But their companions want the teenagers for more than their diving skills; the occultist Daoguerre intends to wake a Goddess from the dawn of human thought, using powers the teenagers don't know they have. Powers that can only be released by death.


--------------

Orc and Cass wake half-drowned on a beach in an unfamiliar world, where spirit animals grant visions, and a goddess sleeps beneath the sea, waiting for her Sun King to awaken her. Without memories, the teenagers must trust on instinct, and in a world of occultists and imperialist war, they are valuable sources of power to the unscrupulous...
 
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Yeah, I am one of the "Don't you want to mention Tashi in the blurb?" brigade. Even possibly in passing with reference to the first two?

Something like:

-------------------------

For two years, freedivers Orc and Cass have searched for a way to recover their magically hidden memories, without which they cannot have a future together. They believe their luck might be about to turn when they learn that beneath an island’s sunken ziggurat lies an ancient artefact that might help them.

However, blackmailed by a powerful magician, betrayed by friends and hunted by a monk and his fanatic warrior apprentice they find themselves part of a plot to resurrected an evil power from the dawn of human thought that will threaten the whole world.

------------------------

My bit is crap, but you get the general drift :)
 
What Jo said. The blurb is not a thesis statement, it is not a summary of the plot. It's a prose poem that in a FLASH captures the spirit and passion of your book's essence. What is the most exciting part of your book?

"Underneath an island's sunken ruins lies an ancient artifact that may help Orc and Cass recover their magically-hidden memories.... and so on.

Also, the sentences are too long. Short quips. Action words. Use commas sparingly. Punch! Make someone want to open up to the first page!
 
Thanks for the replies so far, everyone. I'm going to start a GWD thread on blurbs, as I don't think there has been one before, and I'm a bit uncertain as to how they work -- or rather, I wonder if they work differently for me than others.
 
I would start with the bit about blackmail, add in the evil wizard. Then onto the price (what's at stake), their memories, then the pay-off, (what they are fighting for).

I was always told the run-up of a blurb, follows the 'Problem : Price : Pay-off' format, with the kicker of 'the suspense question' at the end.
 
This is an experiment born of frustration last night. I doubt it'll survive long but I thought I'd try out the concept.

_____________


This is a story about me: Otter, or ‘Lord Fish-Rat’ as I get called in chapter two. There are many tales about me and the other Fire Stealers, of course, but this isn’t one of those old ones. This is new. And because animal gods now have to play second fiddle to humans, it doesn’t feature me as much as it should. Some will say it’s not about me at all, but that’s the kind of talk that gets a person a live trout down their pants.

You might think a gabbing otter would make a story comic or for children, but that isn’t so. This is a serious tale about a guy I try to look after, when he calls on me that is. He’s called Orc, for some reason or other to do with his clothes, and some magician has stolen his memories. That’s what I’ve been trying to help him with, going with him into the Otherworld and chomping bits out of Eel and so on. But nothing’s worked yet. The reason he needs his memories back is this amnesiac girl he’s with. I say ‘with’ but it’s not like that. He wants it to be, but he can’t be sure she’s not his sister. He has morals, see. What he doesn’t have is enough sense to follow my advice. And that’s why things go wrong with that magician and those warships and that goddess and holy crap that warrior boy from the monastery with the demons. But you can read all that yourselves.

As to whether I survive, I won’t spoil it. I’ll just say, ‘I’m back from the dead, tea-tray head!’ is one of my best lines.
 
I actually like it a lot but! Think it would need to be about half the length. :)

Actually, it puts me in mind of The Name of the Wind, where he uses Kvothe's words, the I am Kvothe.... You may have heard of me, feel.

I bought it based on the blurb (and Boneman's recommendations.)
 
For two years, freedivers Orc and Cass have searched for a way to recover their magically hidden - stuffing explanation in. They don't begin knowing their memories were magically removed, do they? memories [perhaps insert a couple of words to state this is an alternative reality?]

, without which they cannot have a future together - not relevant, unless your book is primarily a romance novel.

Blackmailed into joining an expedition to a distant - mysterious? island, they believe their luck might be about to turn when they learn that beneath the island’s sunken ziggurat lies an ancient [if you want to make it plain this is fantasy, then I'd suggest you replace "ancient" with the word "magic" - you also have repetition of 'island'] artefact that might help them [bit clumsy overall?].

But also on the expedition is the occultist Lucien Daroguerre - repetition of expedition

who knows a truth about them they could never guess, and - too vague IMO who intends to use that knowledge - magic?

to perform the greatest magical working since the Flood - you're making too much of an assertion here IMO - better to refer to something like "to raise a dark power/goddess.

A power from the dawn of human thought is gathering beneath the fragile surface of the industrial world - IMO these statements are too vague and woolly, and an excuse to set context - if you're going to do that, then find another way to explain that this is not their world

and if Orc and Cass don’t work out who to trust, they will be its - Her? first victims.


So that gives:

For two years, freedivers Orc and Cass have searched for a way to recover their memories. Blackmailed into joining an expedition to a mysterious island, they believe their luck might turn when they discover a sunken ziggurat containing a magical artefact. But occultist Lucien Daroguerre intends to use it instead to raise a Dark Goddess - and make Orc and Cass Her first victims.

[characters] + [antagonist] + [stakes]
 
Thanks Brian. That is a lot cleaner.

Thanks to those who liked Otter's version (he's much better at promotion than I am). I'm not sure what the likes mean, though -- just appreciation of the bonkersness of it? The line about the trout? Or do you think it could actually work as a blurb? And thus I summon you to explain!

Come, @Ray McCarthy !
Come, @Venusian Broon !
Come, @Mad Alice !

@Jo Zebedee , I'll check out the Rothfuss blurb. I agree mine would need to be trimmed a bit, and I might come back to that. But without wishing to be disputatious, if someone was caught by it, would it matter how long it was? And if they weren't, would trimming it help?
 
I'm currently reading the Rothfuss, as lent by Jo, and think the blurb is awful. It makes it seem like a bunch of unconnected stories and if I saw this on a shop's shelf, I'd give it a miss.

I liked Otter's blurb because of the voice (but then I really like Otter) -- that would catch someone's attention, but it's too long for a blurb and would give the impression it's a totally different story. It's the kind of thing you might put on an inside cover or on your website, or send as part of a press release.
 
Oh, I liked it because I lol'd. Lord Fish tail is brilliant character and you channel him again very effectively.

Would it work as blurb...no, it's playful and a little dippy, and that's not really the tone of the book. Also in some odd way, from a blurb like that I would sort of expect Otter to be a narrator of sorts - which he isn't.

When this book gets published you should do that as a 'guest' blog from Lord Fish Tail. I think readers would really appreciate it - as I have :)
 
Thanks for the clarification. I can see it's too misleading, though it was much more fun to do than the teeth-pulling agony of my other efforts. But I'll have another bash at a more sensible version incorporating all your advice.
 
What I like about Hex's beginning is that you know straight off that it's going to be fantasy. It's in the 'washed up'. While in your original opening, by taking just that smidgen longer to get to the magic bit, it feels at first that it's not fantasy. I think the problem is in the use of the word Freedivers, which feels too modern-world.
 
I'm probably in a minority, since I value story above character (just a little), but it's setting and story that'll draw me to a book from a blurb. So I'd emphasis the mystery of O and C's background, what's different about this world (magic, spirit-animals etc) and the 1900-ish, Medoterranean setting. I realise this may be of little use to you, but hey!
 
As always, not read others' comments (deliberately).

For two years - place after 'hidden memories'. The important thing is Orc and Cass, so they should go first.

without which they cannot have a future together. - hmm. They've been together for two years at least, though. And they remember having memories locked away?

Blackmailed into joining an expedition to a distant island, they believe their luck might be about to turn when they learn that beneath the island’s sunken ziggurat lies an ancient artefact that might help them. - quite like this, though I'd axe 'they believe'.

But also on the expedition is the occultist Lucien Daroguerre, who knows a truth about them they could never guess, and who intends to use that knowledge to perform the greatest magical working since the Flood. - perhaps too much info. 'The sinister occultist Lucien Daroguerre...' could work. If he's after the artefact you could say they're not the only ones after it (but in a sharper way, of course), and if he's after them you could mention that a bit more directly (hunted, prey etc) to emphasise danger, woe, doom, death, being spanked until their bottoms turn purple etc.

A power from the dawn of human thought - not a fan of 'thought' in this context. 'Civilisation' would seem to fit, or you could shift to 'the cradle of mankind' or similar.

is gathering beneath the fragile surface of the industrial world - in a physical sense?If not, 'dwelling in the shadows' etc would seem a better way of phrasing it.

Not sure about the 'power from the dawn' bit. The rest seems to hang together better.
 
This is a story about me: Otter, or ‘Lord Fish-Rat’ as I get called in chapter two. There are many tales about me and the other Fire Stealers, of course, but this isn’t one of those old ones. This is new. And because animal gods now have to play second fiddle to humans, it doesn’t feature me as much as it should. Some will say it’s not about me at all, but that’s the kind of talk that gets a person a live trout down their pants.

You might think a gabbing otter would make a story comic or for children, but that isn’t so. This is a serious tale about a guy I try to look after, when he calls on me that is. He’s called Orc, for some reason or other to do with his clothes, and some magician has stolen his memories. That’s what I’ve been trying to help him with, going with him into the Otherworld and chomping bits out of Eel and so on. But nothing’s worked yet. The reason he needs his memories back is this amnesiac girl he’s with. I say ‘with’ but it’s not like that. He wants it to be, but he can’t be sure she’s not his sister. He has morals, see. What he doesn’t have is enough sense to follow my advice. And that’s why things go wrong with that magician and those warships and that goddess and holy crap that warrior boy from the monastery with the demons. But you can read all that yourselves.

As to whether I survive, I won’t spoil it. I’ll just say, ‘I’m back from the dead, tea-tray head!’ is one of my best lines.

It throws out some interesting concepts, like animal gods and making us wonder what a Fire Stealer is. It also feels quite voicey and personal, which is a nice touch, but it meanders around a bit too much and feels like it's trying to tell us stuff without actually telling us anything substantial. I'll use one of Jo's favourite words :p and say it needs tightening.

It also sounds at points, like the first sentence of the second paragraph, that it's trying to convince the reader that the story is something other than what it is. Saying it's a story about him also makes us think it really is a story about him, but then he says he doesn't feature much in the story. Which at the halfway point of the blurb, leaves me thinking, okay, so who is the real protagonist then? I don't think he should at any point say it's a story about him, especially not in the first line of the blurb.

But by the time we get to the end, it certainly does sound like fun.
 
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