New WIP "Vault Hunters" Opening 961 words

[Vaz]

This is a brand new fresh WIP a couple of hours work over a few nights, so be as harsh as you need to, I learn quicker that way anyhow

I hope you enjoy reading, very excited to receive feedback on my first critique!!

Sharpen ye knives Folks, lets have at ye!

Thanks - Vaz

VAULT​

By​

Elliott Vazilius​

Awake​

Sirens called out, screaming to one another. Tunnels and chambers of the vault were bathed in amber ribbons. Families scattered like terrified mice, back in their nests they retreated beneath blankets and cowered in the comforting blind dark.


Murph was up top. Wired and wormed into a central control panel, her fingers danced like spiders on the device implanted in her palm, her “Hewie” a glorified hacking tool with artificial intelligence. Expert at door hacking, shutting down security systems and being a complete coward.


“Murphy” it chortled. “Scans show 5 life forms of humanoid construction working on Bunker lock A, if we stop this now and re-boot the system we could return to our quarters before they break through.”


“I made you to help me break outta 'ere and find Mom.” Murph snapped. “Not so you could replace her. You worry about the encryption, I'll worry 'bout the Tickers”.


Murph entered another code which was denied, the encryption was good, strong but entirely breakable. Warm sweat simmered on her forehead and she wiped it away, careful not to knock off her headlamp which was ancient, the light buzzed inside it like a dying firefly. Looking upwards the long rounded ceiling became illuminated. Rusted metal and old wires intertwined like synthetic vines running from the vault entrance to the main bulkhead door which Murph had sealed. Five Tickers now hammered against it, willing it to open. They enjoyed the taste of flesh. Especially human, The Overseer allowed them to eat escapee's.


“Pill” she hollered. “Pill!”


Pill was at the foot of the bulkhead door, threading a crowbar through the bronze handle. He was look-out. He wriggled the crowbar against the curve of the wall, making it sure it was flush, tight. Even though a single Ticker could snap a crowbar like a toothpick, his hands remained calm and steady still high as f*ck. A smile smeared across his face.


“Yah?”


“Above ya head. Them pipes?”


Pill raised his head dazedly towards the ceiling, his headlamp merged with flashes of amber siren light. Golden stars shimmered before his eyes, suspended within the darkness.


“Stars!” he slurred.


“What?” Murph called, straining to hear through the sirens wailing.


“Steam” Pill offered. “They be steam pipes.”


Murph glanced at the control panel flashing in her palm, five minutes until the encryption was broken, the raiders would be through in four she thought.


“Hewie, you seein' them pipes above us? I want ya to hack into the vaults heating system an' override 'em. We'll smoke ourselves out, the vault door should open in an emergency.”


“Should open?” Hewie doubted. “The chances of an unused security protocol working successfully are”…


“Get it done Hew, I ain't askin' nice any more”.


Murph stood up, disconnecting wires from the entrance control panel, she slid them into her shoulder pack and lifted out her Volt-Punch, a medium sized, electrically charged double barrelled handgun, the trigger was made out of an old bike bell. It still chimed when she fired.


“Pill come up top, we set to be leavin' 'bout any minute now. Ain't that right Hew?”


Hewie emitted strange indecipherable noises. Murphs' left hand sounded like a plugged in toaster drowning.


“Yes Murph. I am now in sole control of the entire heating system of the vault. I will flood the pipes with steam and burst them on your saying so. Warning, the”…


No time for warnin's Hew, Now gimme full charge on this here gun.


Murph clenched her left palm around the handle which glowed from the screen, pulling back the trigger fully with her finger, it chimed once as she held it there, continuing to do so as it charged, an old mobile screen crafted into the side of the handle glowed into a green existence. The battery icon filled up steadily.


Pill moved with the grace and speed of a drunk ostrich. When he reached Murph he was panting hard and slick with sweat, his own beard wore a beard of warm, salty droplets. Eyeing Murph he offered a clammy hand.


Murph chuckled dryly. “Boy, ya must be high if ya fixing to use my gun.”


Pill smiled hard. Almost too hard, the top of his lips curled upwards. He looked like a cat with a rats tail between it's claws.


He reached across Murph slowly, holding her eyes, his hand was warm and wet, grasping at her belt.


Murph swung towards him battering his hand away with the barrel, the Volt-Punch stared squarely at his gaunt chest. The bunker door boomed louder, it vibrated with morose growls which grew and rose then grew louder still. Never stopping.


Pill held his smile, he kept on toying at her belt. His hand dove deeper, snatching up Murph's cigarettes.


Murph dropped the punch to her side, turning away from pill she shook her head and fished out the matches from her pack, striking one and handing it to pill. He handed her a lit smoke in return, she dragged on it hastily and blew the smoke hard out her nostrils.


“Knew you would'n shoot. I know ya too well Murph.”


The raiders slammed against the metal door, it cracked, rusted metal splintered and split like burnt flesh. A large open wound gaped before them, crusted bronze paint dripped from it like old blood. One by one the pack snaked through, snarling. Jaws wet and hungering for a hunt.

Pill and Murph smoked in silence, watching as five jet black fang machines searched the air for their scents.


“Hew, punch it!”


A procession of pipes popped, scolding stream streamed from their veins. Five sharp screams rose from behind a fresh curtain of smog. Then silence, the sirens slept. All power was off…


Hewie's voice bubbled. “I tried to warn you Murph”...

 

[Appello]

Okay, I'll have a go

I'll leave the line by line critiquing for others, since there are some incredible reviewers on this site that do a far better job than I ever could, and stick to giving my general impressions. I will begin by saying I'm new to this and just trying to provide my own perspective, which could be very different from others, so please feel free to take or leave anything I say.

I'll start with the positives

-Your characters seem interesting, which is always a good thing. I particularly like the stoner angle and smart-arse electronic device, which is something a bit different.

-There is a sense of threat although it's not as fully fleshed out as I would have liked

-The scene is 'active' in that things are happening, decisions are being made, stuff is going on, etc.

-your writing is generally engaging, although punctuation and sentence structure is a little wobbly.

Things I didn't like so much:

Scene Setting:

-I struggled to get a real sense of what was actually going down here. In part this comes from the lack of grounding at the start of the chapter. The first two paragraphs are very brief and wordy without really giving the reader a clear idea of where the characters are, why they're there and what they're planning on doing. Part of the reason for this I'm sure is because you are trying to avoid 'telling' the reader, and want instead to drop pieces of information as the scene progresses rather than dump it on them all at once. A good idea, but I don't think it quite works in this instance (others might disagree). You're obviously dropping the reader into the middle of some kind of action (eventually I figured out your characters are escaping from somewhere, to somewhere, although I'm still not entirely sure). Remember your readers aren't like you, they don't have the entire story and backstory and plot summary and character maps and world building in their heads; they're disorientated, they don't know the characters, the world, the technology, the threat. You have to give them something to hang their hat on. I'm sure it all makes sense in your head, since you know the story inside out and back to front, but you have to consider what someone who has no idea about anything in your head would make of the opening scene.

-Try to be a little more specific in your opening lines. You don't have to give the reader all the answers, but just enough information to orient themselves so they can move forward with a sense of intrigue rather than confusion. Why are the sirens sounding? What is the vault? Who are the families, and why are they running? Why is there a blind dark everywhere? Why is Murph 'up top' and what does that even mean? Why are the Tickers chasing them? I think you are trying to be too clever by half here and instead simply alienating your reader before they're hooked enough to give you leeway.


Tone:

-There were a couple of times when it seemed as though you were going for a humorous tone, eg. the drowning toaster, Pill moving like a drunk ostrich (do they have ostriches in this world?). This doesn't seem to match what I initially assumed was a very tense escape plan. The writing seemed to alternate between referencing these sinister monsters that ate humans, to a comedic exchange over cigarettes. I personally found that a little jarring. When your reader picks up your book and begins reading, they want to know clearly what 'kind' of book they are about to get. Comedy? Drama? Horror? It's alright to write a horror and then introduce some comedic value later in the text, once you have already set the tone. But introducing both aspects so early seems wishy-washy, and the reader won't know quite how to feel, or more importantly how they should feel. And a reader that feels lost is not generally one that keeps reading.

Characterisation:

-One of the reasons I think the tone feels a little off is the 'dialect' talk of the main protagonists. I see that you're from Liverpool and so it probably feels natural to you (although to me it read more like American slang than British), but do be aware that for non-natives the language seems very comedic and somewhat whimsical. When Pill says 'they be steam pipes' I couldn't help but think of that pirate character off the Simpsons who always says things like 'Arr... tis a sugary brine." Generally, that kind of talk in novels is reserved for a minor comedic relief type character. I have no idea what role Pill plays in your story so it might be fine to have him speak like this, but after a while the reader could also find it very grating.

-Murph, I presume, is to be a main character. In which case I also find the way she speaks to be somewhat off-putting. Not to sound classist, but when a character says things like "them pipes" and "I ain't askin' nice" the reader will automatically classify them as rough around the edges, lower-class, and uneducated. Which is fine, so long as a) that's a stereotype you're happy the readers having about your character and b) that stereotype fits the background story, position of influence, family and friends and social status of that character for the rest of the story Ie. it wouldn't make much sense to have them talk like a bogan (what we in Australia call Chavs, more or less) and then have them be a part of the elite of your given society, or operating in a position of power, unless you had a very good, in-world explanation for that. It could also become very tiresome to a reader to have the main character always speaking with poor grammar (keep in mind that society in general tends to view uneducated people less sympathetically - uneducated women doubly so). Then again others may have no problem with this.

Description:

-I felt this was lacking throughout. You tend to describe very specific events (eg Pill threading the crowbar, the cigarette fight) but leave out wider, more contextual details. I also felt you got bogged down in technical language, at the expense of giving the reader a clear picture. Rather than a detailed description of how your gun works and the encryption code intricacies, I was more interested in: what are the tickers and why are they chasing Murph and co? Where is 'up top' and how does it feel/smell/look/sound? How exactly is the steam smoke-out going to work and what are Murph's real feelings about this? What are they hacking into? If a Ticker can snap a crowbar like a twig then why is Pill setting them? These are all questions I had on my initial read. Too many questions.

Continuity:

What happens to the families at the beginning of the piece? Why do Murph and Pill stop for a smoke in what appears to be a really tense situation? This didn't appear to make logical sense, a big no no when setting up an intense opening chapter.

Writing:

I did say that the writing was fine but on re-read there were probably a dozen or more times when incorrect sentence structure really detracted from the writing. Many times you used a comma when a semi-colon was required given the break in time or scene. You also have a few subject-object disagreements, run-on sentences and word repetition. This is all first draft stuff but it does pull the reader out of the story.


Hope my comments were useful! You have an interesting premise so keep working at it, I'd be interesting to see where you take it!

 

[jastius]

its a nice little piece vaz! lots of action. exciting characterization.

and it has almost a steampunky feel to it.. very nice.

just one or two things i noiticed.

vary your sentance lengths. you have some really long ones there. wherever you have a comma, you should see if you can use a full stop instead. this will also help you modify and insert any additions you need to.
as it stands, it will be difficult for you to add in any little bits, when your paragraphs consist of one or two run on sentences.
i have a habit of using runon sentences also, and while they are remarkable for establishing flow, (you do have a nice flow and rhythm going) they trip you up into forcing you down a path, and onto more action and more action, willy nilly. difficult to reign in. worse to modify.
some people don't like having too much information served up in one sentance, too, so that is something else to consider.
perhaps you could add more full stops, bypassing the big sentence issue, but they are a cornerstone of your piece and a significant part of your style... something you should watch for.

all in all a nice evocative piece, vaz!

 

[Vaz]

Thank you very much for taking the time to give me your views on things, it will definitely help in the long run

its always good to have a fresh pair of eyes have a look at your work

yeah this is a very rough first draft, I knew it needed a good polish and yeah the cigarette scene irks me too a little, but I used to try and show trust between the characters, and as for the dialogue I was going for American southern sort of feel to it.

Again thanks for your comment, I've got broad shoulders so ill take the negative ones on board happily, anything that helps improve my writing I welcome with open arms....

Thank you - Vaz

 

[Vaz]

Thank you also Jastius.

Yeah I do like a good flow I feel it fits my style although I am open to change, would you recommend tinkering with my style a little?

Thanks for having a read of it, I'm glad at least small parts of it are enjoyable.

Vaz

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, I come with teeth. Comments in bold.

Awake​

Sirens called out, screaming to one anotherCan they? Unless they're sentient. It's a nice enough sentence, but a risk at the very start, I think. Tunnels and chambers of the vault were bathed in amber ribbons. Families scattered like terrified mice,To keep the words as they are you need either a ; a - or a full stop here. back in their nests they retreated beneath blankets and cowered in the comforting blind dark.


Murph was up top. Wired and wormed into a central control panel, her fingers danced like spiders nice on the device implanted in her palm, her “Hewie”comma I think a glorified hacking tool with artificial intelligence. Expert at door hacking, shutting down security systems and being a complete coward.


“Murphy comma” itIt? If that's its name? chortled. “Scans show 5 life forms of humanoid construction working on Bunker lock A, if we stop this now and re-boot the system we could return to our quarters before they break through.”


“I made you to help me break outta 'ere and find Mom.comma, otherwise poor Murph just broke in two” Murph snappedbear in mind, a lot of dialogue discriptors often intrude on the reading. Said is all you need for the most part . “Not so you could replace her. You worry about the encryption, I'll worry 'bout the Tickers”.


Murph entered another code which was denied, the encryption was good, strong but entirely breakable. Warm sweat simmereddon't like that - to simmer it has to be really hot, much hotter than sweat? on her forehead and she wiped it away, careful not to knock off her if you put ancient here you could shorten the clause? headlamp which was ancient, the light buzzed buzzing - there are tense changes going on which are either to do with changing tense or, I think, to do with how you are joining clauses. The grammar guys might be able to advise better, if you started a thread on it. inside it like a dying firefly. Looking upwards the long rounded ceiling became illuminated. Rusted metal and old wires intertwined like synthetic vines running from the vault entrance to the main bulkhead door which Murph had sealed. Five Tickers now hammered against it, willing it to open. They enjoyed the taste of flesh. Especially human, The Overseer allowed them to eat escapee's escapees. Again, I think your clause is slightly out - Especially human: the Overseer allowed them to eat escapees? Something to join the clauses but separate them a little more than a comma?


“Pill comma - in dialogue there needs to be a comma ! or ? if you're going to a dialogue tag eg said, or hollered. If you're not using a saidism, a full stop ends the sentence instead. There's some stuff in the Toolbox thread about it.” she hollered. “Pill!”


Pill was at the foot of the bulkhead door, threading a crowbar through the bronze handle. He was look-out. He wriggled the crowbar against the curve of the wall, making it sure it was flush, tight. Even though a single Ticker could snap a crowbar like a toothpick, his hands remained calm and steady still high as f*ck. A smile smeareddon't like that - how can it? across his face.


“Yah?”


“Above ya head. Them pipes?”


Pill raised his head dazedly towards the ceiling, his headlamp merged with flashes of amber siren light. Golden stars shimmered before his eyescan she see them or only him? If him then this reads as a head-hop, suspended within the darkness.


“Stars!” he slurred.


“What?” Murph called, straining to hear through the sirens wailing.


“Steamcomma” Pill offeredthese dialogue tags are really starting to stand out now. “They be steam pipes.”


Murph glanced at the control panel flashing in her palm, five minutes until the encryption was broken, the raiders would be through in four she thought.
Again, your commas aren't enough - these are separate clauses. I'll see if I can explain (but grammar is not my forte):

Murph glanced at the control panel flashing in her palm - this is the first clause - five minutes until the encryption was broken - this is a second, linked clause but it is not the same clause. IE the control panel flashing indicates the timescale, it is not directly related to it. So, these can be linked, but not carried on and a comma carries on a clause. To keep a linked clause needs a ; or - but, since these are sometimes disliked by writers, a full stop could take their place (although that separates the clauses altogether.

The last part - the raiders... is a completely separate clause, a thought of its own, and needs to be divided by a full stop to make sense.

Sorry, work calls and I'll have to leave it, but hopefully it's helpful. It seems an interesting set up with some nice characters- although, for my taste, they could be fleshed out a little more.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Sirens called out, screaming to one another. Tunnels and chambers of the vault were bathed in amber ribbons. Families scattered like terrified mice, back in their nests they retreated beneath blankets and cowered in the comforting blind dark.

This feels like an omniscient voice. Did you think carefully about the POV style you're using, and what it's strengths and weaknesses were? If not, I would recommend you read up on this issue of POV.

Murph was up top. Wired and wormed into a central control panel, her fingers danced like spiders on the device implanted in her palm, her “Hewie” a glorified hacking tool with artificial intelligence. Expert at door hacking, shutting down security systems and being a complete coward.

Feels like a lot of telling here - you seem to suggest that Murph isn't where the opening paragraph described. Furthermore, you kill any immediacy to explain about the AI.

“Murphy” it chortled. “Scans show 5 life forms of humanoid construction working on Bunker lock A, if we stop this now and re-boot the system we could return to our quarters before they break through.”

Three paragraphs in, and we've seen and learned little about Murph, or what she's thinking. This should be a tense introduction, according to the circumstances you describe. But none of that's coming through in terms of Murph's thoughts and feelings, or visceral reactions.

“I made you to help me break outta 'ere and find Mom.” Murph snapped. “Not so you could replace her. You worry about the encryption, I'll worry 'bout the Tickers”.

Dialogue for the benefit of the reader?

Murph entered another code which was denied, the encryption was good, strong but entirely breakable. Warm sweat simmered on her forehead and she wiped it away, careful not to knock off her headlamp which was ancient, the light buzzed inside it like a dying firefly. Looking upwards the long rounded ceiling became illuminated. Rusted metal and old wires intertwined like synthetic vines running from the vault entrance to the main bulkhead door which Murph had sealed. Five Tickers now hammered against it, willing it to open.

Above part is good - we're in the character experience now, and the story is finally starting. This is what you need to do from the very beginning, IMO.

They enjoyed the taste of flesh. Especially human, The Overseer allowed them to eat escapee's.

Are these Murph's thoughts while she's hacking, or are you trying to explain something for the benefit of the reader?

“Pill” she hollered. “Pill!”


Pill was at the foot of the bulkhead door, threading a crowbar through the bronze handle. He was look-out. He wriggled the crowbar against the curve of the wall, making it sure it was flush, tight. Even though a single Ticker could snap a crowbar like a toothpick, So what's the point of this action? You've distracted from Murph to tell us that someone else is doing something that's potentially a waste of everyone's time his hands remained calm and steady still high as f*ck. A smile smeared across his face.



I'll stop there. It's not bad, but IMO it looks as though you need to read up and learn about some of the technical tools that will help make your story as strong as it can be. It's good that you've got this far, and I do like some of your descriptions - but your voice still sounds unformed, and the story jolts for me and doesn't always seem very clear on what you're trying to communicate, and how. IMO you could benefit hugely from reading some of the books on writing that are discussed on this thread:
https://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/551724/

 

[chrispenycate]

Awake


Sirens called out, screaming to one another. Tunnels and chambers of the vault were bathed in amber ribbons. Families scattered like terrified mice,

Comma splice

back in their nests they retreated beneath blankets and cowered in the comforting blind dark.


Murph was up top. Wired and wormed into a central control panel, her fingers danced like spiders on the device implanted in her palm, her “Hewie” a glorified hacking tool with artificial intelligence. Expert at door hacking, shutting down security systems and being a complete coward.


“Murphy” it chortled. “Scans show 5

for small numbers write them out entirely, rather than using figures.

life forms of humanoid construction working on Bunker lock A,

Comma splice

if we stop this now and re-boot the system we could return to our quarters before they break through.”


“I made you to help me break outta 'ere and find Mom.” Murph snapped. “Not so you could replace her. You worry about the encryption,

That is another comma splice, but in dialogue, probably gets by.

I'll worry 'bout the Tickers”.


Murph entered another code which was denied,

Comma splice.

the encryption was good, strong but entirely breakable. Warm sweat simmered on her forehead and she wiped it away, careful not to knock off her headlamp which was ancient,

This is a comma splice, but more than this, the 'which was' is a little clumsy. Consider something like 'her ancient headlamp whose light buzzed inside like a dying firefly'?

the light buzzed inside it like a dying firefly. Looking upwards the long rounded ceiling became illuminated. Rusted metal and old wires intertwined like synthetic vines running from the vault entrance to the main bulkhead door which Murph had sealed. Five Tickers now hammered against it, willing it to open. They enjoyed the taste of flesh. Especially human,

Comma splice.

The Overseer allowed them to eat escapee's.


“Pill” she hollered. “Pill!”


Pill was at the foot of the bulkhead door, threading a crowbar through the bronze handle. He was look-out. He wriggled the crowbar against the curve of the wall, making it sure it was flush, tight. Even though a single Ticker could snap a crowbar like a toothpick, his hands remained calm and steady

punctuate.

still high as f*ck. A smile smeared across his face.


“Yah?”


“Above ya head. Them pipes?”


Pill raised his head dazedly towards the ceiling,

Another comma splice, unless you replace 'merged' to 'merging'.

his headlamp merged with flashes of amber siren light. Golden stars shimmered before his eyes, suspended within the darkness.


“Stars!” he slurred.


“What?” Murph called, straining to hear through the sirens wailing.


“Steam” Pill offered. “They be steam pipes.”


Murph glanced at the control panel flashing in her palm,

Comma splice.

five minutes until the encryption was broken, the raiders would be through in four she thought.


“Hewie, you seein' them pipes above us? I want ya to hack into the vaults

vault's

heating system an' override 'em. We'll smoke ourselves out,

Comma splice

the vault door should open in an emergency.”


“Should open?” Hewie doubted. “The chances of an unused security protocol working successfully are…”


“Get it done Hew, I ain't askin' nice any more”.


Murph stood up, disconnecting wires from the entrance control panel, she slid them into her shoulder pack and lifted out her Volt-Punch, a medium sized, electrically charged double barrelled handgun,

Comma splice

the trigger was made out of an old bike bell. It still chimed when she fired.


“Pill

Comma

come up top, we set to be leavin' 'bout any minute now. Ain't that right

Probably comma.

Hew?”


Hewie emitted strange indecipherable noises. Murphs' left hand sounded like a plugged in toaster drowning.


“Yes Murph. I am now in sole control of the entire heating system of the vault. I will flood the pipes with steam and burst them on your saying so. Warning, the…”


No time for warnin's

Comma

Hew,

Comma splice

Now gimme full charge on this here gun.


Murph clenched her left palm around the handle which glowed from the screen, pulling back the trigger fully with her finger,

Comma splice

it chimed once as she held it there, continuing to do so as it charged,

I think comma splice

an old mobile screen crafted into the side of the handle glowed into a green existence. The battery icon filled up steadily.


Pill moved with the grace and speed of a drunk ostrich. When he reached Murph he was panting hard and slick with sweat,

Comma splice

his own beard wore a beard of warm, salty droplets. Eyeing Murph he offered a clammy hand.


Murph chuckled dryly. “Boy, ya must be high if ya fixing to use my gun.”


Pill smiled hard. Almost too hard,

Comma splice

the top of his lips curled upwards. He looked like a cat with a rats

rat's

tail between it's

its

claws.


He reached across Murph slowly, holding her eyes,

Comma splice

his hand was warm and wet, grasping at her belt.


Murph swung towards him

Comma

battering his hand away with the barrel, the Volt-Punch stared squarely at his gaunt chest. The bunker door boomed louder, it vibrated with morose growls which grew and rose then grew louder still. Never stopping.


Pill held his smile, he kept on toying at her belt. His hand dove deeper, snatching up Murph's cigarettes.


Murph dropped the punch to her side,

Comma splice

turning away from pill she shook her head and fished out the matches from her pack, striking one and handing it to pill. He handed her a lit smoke in return, she dragged on it hastily and blew the smoke hard out her nostrils.


“Knew you would'n shoot. I know ya too well

Comma

Murph.”


The raiders slammed against the metal door,

Comma splice

it cracked, rusted metal splintered and split like burnt flesh. A large open wound gaped before them, crusted bronze paint dripped from it like old blood. One by one the pack snaked through, snarling. Jaws wet and hungering for a hunt.

Pill and Murph smoked in silence, watching as five jet black fang machines searched the air for their scents.


“Hew, punch it!”


A procession of pipes popped, scolding

Probably 'scalding'

stream streamed from their veins. Five sharp screams rose from behind a fresh curtain of smog

'Smog' is a mixture of smoke and fog. Whence the smoke? Surely not the cigarettes?

. Then silence, the sirens slept. All power was off…


Hewie's voice bubbled. “I tried

Comma

Murph”...

 

[Vaz]

Just like to say a big thank you to everyone who took their own precious time to read this trash, let alone critique it

Seriously though thanks, it means a lot to get feedback, especially the line by line mistakes.

Thank you folks -Vaz

 

[Tim Kinder]

I like "Hewie"!

Other than that, which is completely biased opinion...I'm nowhere near qualified to be a critic, but I like the possibilities built-in to this section.

If I were tackling the edit, I'd focus on:

1. Defining and clarifying the mission they've embarked on (why are they here, make me care why they are there)
2. Establishing a bit of how they ended up corned in this room (what lead to this current issue)
3. How/why Pill is "high" otherwise it seems like an arbitrary point (is there a reason or is he really just a stoner that at some point is likely to need to be cut away from Murph as dead weight)
4. Look at establishing more clearly what the room their trapped in actually looks like (it's tough to visualize the action when you've got no idea the size, and layout as a reader - My first thought was small, narrow, single level, but as I read it appears to be expansive and multileveled but that's all just a guess)

 

[Bowler1]

Sirens called out, screaming to one another. Tunnels and chambers of the vault were bathed in amber ribbons. Families scattered like terrified mice, back in their nests they retreated beneath blankets and cowered in the comforting blind dark. – I like to see word play and it shows promise, but this didn’t impart anything about your world. It was too poetic and not enough clarity for me.

Murph was up top. Wired and wormed into a central control panel, her fingers danced like spiders on the device implanted in her palm. Her “Hewie”, a glorified hacking tool with artificial intelligence. She was an expert at door hacking, shutting down security systems and being a complete coward.

“Murphy” it chortled. “Scans show 5 life forms of humanoid construction working on Bunker lock A, (full stop) if we stop this now and re-boot the system we could return to our quarters before they break through.”
I see you have already been done by the MIGHTY CHRISPY so I won’t correct more grammar, but a full stop can be a great thing.

I did read on to the end and it shows a lot of promise. Dialogue is a clear strength of yours, but in places your character voice topped clarity for me and I think a little more care needs to be taken to make sure you don’t lose the reader. Placement of the character was not great and description arrived in big chunks (description is less noticeable when broken up and spread around in little bite sized sections). You need to give your reader a mental image of your world, which I didn’t get here. Character emotion was shown but not felt, and emotion is important hold a readers’ interest, which you’ll need to work on. Get closer to your characters I think. It all felt very rushed to me, even for a moment of urgent drama. So slow down, take your time and work on the details, while managing to keep it tight and concise – conflicting advice you might think, but it’s not.

Comma splices were very evident. In a high drama moment, short choppy lines can speed up the flow and increase the tension. Work on your grammar, which wasn’t too bad and only needs a little polish.

Overall I think you already have a voice all your own, it just needs more focus and attention to make it shine. Rough edges to smooth out, but I liked what I saw. Keep at it.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks Bowler for the honest and encouraging critique.

I am glad I now know my weaknesses, which I have worked on in the re-write of this current opening.
I will also look out how to get my audience more involved with my characters emotions. As you mentioned, this is a big point for readers and will keep them engaged and interested in your story. I will definitely work at it and improve .

Interesting that you pointed out that my dialogue had strength. I always thought my dialogue was weak.

Overall I think you already have a voice all your own, it just needs more focus and attention to make it shine. Rough edges to smooth out, but I liked what I saw. Keep at it.

Thanks for this, finding that you do have your own unique voice when writing is a big thing for most aspiring writers . I shall focus, polish then polish some more and generally work my socks off!

Cheers, Elliott.