Max Prime - In The Beginning... - Prologue

[Tim Kinder]

This is the first revision of the first draft of the first book I've written.

I will admit I am both terrified and excited to hear the comments that will be provided to me from those of you who graciously take the time to read the Prologue to my book, Max Prime.

I only hope that it, in some small way, might stand up to the weight of your discerning eyes.

Thank you for your time,

Tim Kinder

***************************************************************************

Max Prime

In The Beginning…

By: Tim Kinder 



Prologue

I can hardly believe it’s already been twenty years. Twenty years to the day actually…which I suppose makes what I’m about to do all the more auspicious.

“Mr. Zednikei.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Notify the fleet to go to full alert status and initiate final preparedness checks. We launch in 60 minutes.”

“Yes, sir!”​

In some ways, it seems like it was just yesterday that I’d meet Dr. Peters and been introduced to the gang at G.S.S.D.N. We’ve come a long way since those early days. A terrible long way.

Thomas Gray once wrote, “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise”. I know, more so now than ever before, what those words really mean for the knowledge I now possess has, from the very beginning, come to me only at great personal cost.

“All Saurinian battle groups are green.”

“All Ionite battle groups are reporting green.”

“All Baltonian battle groups are green.”​

Some might look at where I am today and be envious. Truth is, I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t. I’ve come so far and I’m in so deep that now I’m trapped by the duty I have to holding this fragile alliance together. Too many people have worked long and hard to craft and forge this alliance, sacrificing much themselves along the way, for me to just walk away now…even if it is all I’ve wanted to do since almost the very beginning.

“All Hayokian support groups are green.”

“All Laydeenite support groups are green.”

“3 Taron battle groups are reporting problems. Current readiness condition, yellow.”

“Mr. Zednikei! I want to know what their problems are and I want them corrected 10 minutes ago. We’ve been preparing for this day for last three years. I want green lights all across my operations board when we launch!”

“Yes, sir.”​

The problem is that I’m not the only one to suffer loss along the way. I’m just one of many. Take Mr. Zednikei for example. He lost most of his family and all of his possessions in the war against the Crendorians. He spent nearly 50 years in a Crendorian prisoner of war, slave labor encampment before we liberated him and tens of thousands of others. He doesn’t like to talk about that time much, but when he does, his stories make my skin crawl.

He, like so many others who were rescued from those internments, has proven to be extremely helpful, loyal, and eager to serve the new alliance. They serve as shining examples of bravery, courage, and perseverance. Their stories and their sacrifices only add to the weight that keeps me here, so far away from home.

“All Taron battle groups are now reporting green, sir.”

“Excellent. Give me a report on the current completion status of the board.”

“56% of all battle groups have reported green and nearly 83% of our support groups have reported green. I’d estimate we’ll have a full board in about twenty more minutes, sir.”

“Carry on.”​

The more I think about how this all got started, the more it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I feel like I’m the same person that I was back then, but so much has changed, so much has happened. I’ve never sought out titles or power. I never wanted to be a President, a King, or an Emperor. I never desired to be a Chancellor, a Premier, or a head of state, yet here I stand…

“Mr. Blackson. We have a full board. 100% green.”

“Thank you, Mr. Zednikei. Open a communication line, fleetwide”

“The line is open, sir.”​

How could it possibly have come to this…

“Attention all fleet Commanders, Captains, Generals and Admirals. This is Max Blackson speaking, First Prime of the Unified Interplanetary Alliance. Today is the day we don’t just make a stand but…”

…but perhaps we should start…
​

In The Beginning…​

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hey,

Welcome to the lions' den. Don't worry, the teeth we bite with remove the bad tissue, not the good.

I like the format you have here with the narration being split with the dialogue of fleet readiness but I have a few points;

• I wonder if you can streamline or vary the 'reporting green' stuff. Its repetition works once, but after a while it comes across a little humorous.
• There are times where you're straying into telling; Take Mr. Zednikei for example. He lost most of his family and all of his possessions in the war against the Crendorians. He spent nearly 50 years in a Crendorian prisoner of war, slave labor encampment before we liberated him and tens of thousands of others. He doesn’t like to talk about that time much, but when he does, his stories make my skin crawl.This is all telling and could be shown in really evocative places throughout your story where his character - and what made him who he is - is relevant. As you have it here, it's just unreferenced back story. If his stories make the narrator's skin crawl, then surely those stories could be told to the reader in places throughout your story (where, and if, relevant) to make our skin crawl.
• I never wanted to be a President, a King, or an Emperor. I never desired to be a Chancellor, a Premier, or a head of state. So are we to assume from this that he is now all of these things? It could be tighter if he said 'I never wanted authority' etc.
• Is this really a prologue? It seems like it will most likely be directly related to the main story, especially as I am assuming Max and Zednikei are going to be main characters. Ask yourself, if you could change Prologue to 'Chapter One', would it make a difference? If not, then use this as chapter one. Lots of people don't like prologues - I read them and don't mind them at all; if I'm enjoying a story a prologue and epilogue just give me more so I'm happy, but I've seen it said around here that agents and publishers are not fond of them. Not unless strictly necessary.
• All the names of the battlegroups: the only one I remembered after reading is the Saurinian one (and that one, because it make me think of dinosaurs). If all these battlegroup names are important, it's a lot to ask for your readership to recall without giving them particular characteristics that we can use to remember them by.
• What you've done well here is drop us into the action at the start of a battle, which is excellent structure, but the hopping back to the narrator's thoughts strips away the intimacy, or rather the action. For example, we know this person is going to survive as he is talking now about a battle in the past. That can make a reader complacent about a character.
• Speaking of character, perhaps you could introduce a few idiosyncrasies in the narrator's voice to give him a sense of being a person rather than a mere narrator. He seems quite honourable, seems quite committed and intelligent, but we don't have a context for it.

There, that wasn't too bad, was it Congratulations on taking the leap.

One last thing; I only hope that it, in some small way, might stand up to the weight of your discerning eyes.

This will not do, and will get you slapped on the wrist for over-self-deprecation! Have faith in your work!

pH

 

[Tim Kinder]

pH,

Thank you for taking the time to read my Prologue.

I think my failure to explain some things might have made a difference as to the way you have viewed the Prologue.

First, I view Max Prime as a series that tells an unfolding story. Book One is called In The Beginning... and starts us on the journey of following a man, Max Blackson, and how his coercion into something he wanted no part of, changes the course of not just one world, but multiple worlds AND multiple wars. Just for the sake of revealing the future of where I'm going with the series, book two will be subtitled The Captivity.

Second, The Prologue is actually a flash-forward, a glimpse of something that will occur 20 years into the future from the beginning of Chapter 1. In fact, book one actually only covers a few weeks in the initial story. It introduces Max, the multi-national organization whose mandate is to figure out what was found on the moon, and the alien race that has come to conquer and enslave the human race.

With that in mind, does this change any of your critique? I'm so new at this, I wasn't sure how much I should say, frame, or setup what you were about to be reading, but I think knowing the full perspective may change the way you were viewing the Prologue.

I greatly appreciate your time and DO take your thoughts seriously.

Tim

 

[Phyrebrat]

You're welcome, Tim, I hope it was of some help.

Yes, what you have said does make a difference to what I said, in that it does seem more appropriate as a prologue, now.What I would consider, though, is perhaps giving a more grand end to your prologue before book one.

Today is the day we don’t just make a stand but… could be much more evocative, and reveal-y. I'd actually like the sentence finished with something really awe-inspiring. If this is a flash forward, why not go the whole hog and finish that sentence off with a huge statement.

I meant to say earlier, but forgot, that you write clearly and cleanly.

Sounds like an intriguing and interesting saga you have here. Best of luck!

pH

 

[Tim Kinder]

Hey, I really like that pH!!! Believe it or not, I was already considering that idea. Maybe give a lot more before the big "but" ( - couldn't help myself.)

Thank you so, so much!

 

[LittleStar]

Hi Tim, I enjoyed this piece. I tend to get lost in things written like this, but I managed to follow it through and it is clean, I didn't spot mistakes, but I'm not good at that anyway.

Like phrye I though the repeating of green etc was a bit much, and found myself skipping over the latter chunks of them, and the string of unfamiliar battle names was difficult, and having read it last night, I couldn't tell you know what their names were. But if this is a 20 year flash forward, which I did pick up on, (althought then I also got the picture of max as an old man with a blanket in a rocking chair, telling the whole story... Maybe some piece of introduction before the narrator voice kicks in could build sympathy and connection with max aside from his 'voice'?

I don't think there's anything wrong with the structure you've chosen, I think at this can work very well. But agree that if this battle ready scene isn't going to be until Book two or three then it doesn't really matter how much you give away (especially with the narrator possibly already having lived through it, why would he keep the secret from us? Apart from false tension). I would suggest finishing on wow factor and then dropping back into the calm 20 years ago begging. For example, "they destroyed our home planet and everyone we've ever known. Today is the day the last ten humans awake a stand" Maybe something more, certainly something written better

 

[Hex]

Hi Tim!

So, first, don't be terrified -- you write really well. You should have a lot of confidence.

I'll say now that I write (YA) fantasy (and mainly read fantasy too) so my comments are coming from that angle.


Max Prime

In The Beginning…

By: Tim Kinder 



Prologue

I can hardly believe it’s already been twenty years. Twenty years to the day actually…which I suppose makes what I’m about to do all the more auspicious.

“Mr. Zednikei.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Notify the fleet to go to full alert status and initiate final preparedness checks. We launch in 60 minutes.”

“Yes, sir!”​

[You have me here -- I like the voice (I like that he said 'auspicious' because he's reflecting and he's intelligent) and I like that something exciting is happening -- whatever he's about to do, is important and it's happening now. What a cool place to start a story.]


In some ways, it seems like it was just yesterday that I’d meet Dr. Peters and been introduced to the gang at G.S.S.D.N. We’ve come a long way since those early days. A terrible long way.

Thomas Gray once wrote, “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise”. I know, more so now than ever before, what those words really mean for the knowledge I now possess has, from the very beginning, come to me only at great personal cost.[I still like his voice, but I'm getting a little impatient for something to happen. This is partly because I still don't know what "it" was and I'm starting to feel that you're deliberately not telling me. And also, while these ships, presumably full of people, are going off to do battle, he's sitting thinking about himself. I still like it, I'm still interested, but I'd like something to happen soon]

“All Saurinian battle groups are green.”

“All Ionite battle groups are reporting green.”

“All Baltonian battle groups are green.”​

[confess that I wondered here why they were all green, but that's probably because I don't read much sf just now -- I worked it out below]

Some might look at where I am today and be envious. Truth is, I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t. I’ve come so far and I’m in so deep that now I’m trapped by the duty I have to holding this fragile alliance together. Too many people have worked long and hard ['long and hard' is a bit of a cliche] to craft and forge this alliance, sacrificing much themselves along the way, for me to just walk away now…even if it is all I’ve wanted to do since almost the very beginning. [OK. I like that paragraph, but I think I'd like some of the reflection tied in to "it" -- to whatever is happening -- because I guess the ships are going to war. You could probably also add a little description -- right now, I don't know where he is or what's happening]

“All Hayokian support groups are green.”

“All Laydeenite support groups are green.”

“3 Taron battle groups are reporting problems. Current readiness condition, yellow.”

“Mr. Zednikei! I want to know what their problems are and I want them corrected 10 minutes ago. We’ve been preparing for this day for last three years. I want green lights all across my operations board when we launch!” [Nice. I like this dialogue.]

“Yes, sir.”​

The problem is that I’m not the only one to suffer loss along the way. I’m just one of many. Take Mr. Zednikei for example. He lost most of his family and all of his possessions in the war against the Crendorians. He spent nearly 50 years in a Crendorian prisoner of war, slave labor encampment before we liberated him and tens of thousands of others. He doesn’t like to talk about that time much, but when he does, his stories make my skin crawl.

He, like so many others who were rescued from those internments, has proven to be extremely helpful, loyal, and eager to serve the new alliance. They serve as shining examples of bravery, courage, and perseverance. Their stories and their sacrifices only add to the weight that keeps me here, so far away from home. [this is all good, interesting stuff, but I wonder if you need it now... I'm in two minds because I do like the voice and I do like the way your character feels trapped but because I don't know what's actually happening, I also feel a bit frustrated, and I'm a little annoyed with him too because he's whingeing a bit -- I know that's not fair, but characters get accused of whingeing when they're just behaving like people]

“All Taron battle groups are now reporting green, sir.”

“Excellent. Give me a report on the current completion status of the board.”

“56% of all battle groups have reported green and nearly 83% of our support groups have reported green. I’d estimate we’ll have a full board in about twenty more minutes, sir.”

“Carry on.”​

[Hmm. I feel like we've started to go in circles.

Your writing is excellent. Your story is clearly exciting. However, because I don't know what the count down is about, I'm not really involved in it. Because your main character doesn't seem worried by it, I'm not worried either.

The more I think about how this all got started, the more it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I feel like I’m the same person that I was back then, but so much has changed, so much has happened. I’ve never sought out titles or power. I never wanted to be a President, a King, or an Emperor. I never desired to be a Chancellor, a Premier, or a head of state, yet here I stand…

“Mr. Blackson. We have a full board. 100% green.”

“Thank you, Mr. Zednikei. Open a communication line, fleetwide”

“The line is open, sir.”​

How could it possibly have come to this…[?]

“Attention all fleet Commanders, Captains, Generals and Admirals. This is Max Blackson speaking, First Prime of the Unified Interplanetary Alliance. Today is the day we don’t just make a stand but…”

…but perhaps we should start… [argh! I can feel the significance of that, but I don't understand it: "...we don't just make a stand but perhaps we should start"?]
​

In The Beginning…​

I can't decide, which probably makes this crit not very helpful. You write really well and I like your character's voice. I have to confess that I wonder if this prologue is actually necessary. The information it imparts is essentially that the Unified Interplanetary Alliance is attacking the Crendorians, who are clearly the bad guys because they kept people in horrible internment camps.

Is Max Blackson coming back?

If I were you, I would consider one of the following things:

• Losing the prologue entirely (it's beautifully written and it introduces Max Blackson, but I'm not sure it's pulling its weight). Agents, the received wisdom says, get skittish around prologues, so you need to be careful that yours is really adding to the story if you're going to keep it.
• Adding value to the prologue -- I'd like to know where Max is, what he can see, and I'd like to have hints (you don't need to give away the end) more of an idea of what's at stake. I don't mean screeds and screeds of description, but a few small, telling details, because unless Max is a brain in a jar, he must be seeing things. His focus on himself at a time when he's sending millions of other people/ aliens off to (probably) die feels a bit self-centred. Beautifully as the reflective bits are written, I think there are currently too many such segments, and you could reduce them without losing that lyrical, reflective quality of Max considering his life against the backdrop of the ships preparing for war.

Now I have read your comments to Phyre (I didn't want to read his crit etc until I'd written mine in case it influenced me). I wouldn't call this a prologue, I'd just give the date at the top, and then make it clear in the next bit that you're going back x years.

Given what you said to Phyre, I think it's even more important to make Max sympathetic, and to do that I would remove some of his reflection and get him more engaged in the ships and the people in them.

Hope some of this is helpful.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I found this an engaging and enjoyable, for a first draft - there's a definite sense of tension, and I do like the way you juxtapose Max's introspection with the readiness for combat.

However, I do have a couple of caveats.

Firstly, the danger with "how did it come to this" openings is that they attempt pathos that the writer no doubt feels, but the reader will struggle to engage with because they are not yet emotionally engaged with the story. The second danger is that such openings end up as infodumps - something you do here, which can take away from the immediacy of the narrative. The biggest danger of all, perhaps, is that such openings effectively state "The story has not yet begun, but it will soon". A reader may reasonably expect the story to begin with the first word on the first page, rather than being told to wait until the next chapter.

When it comes to openings, we have a thread in the Writing Resources section that deals with the benefits of a strong, punchy, opening sentence:
https://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/546603/

What you have at present does not strike me as a particularly strong opening sentence - rather than wistful pondering, why not open with a line that gives us more immediacy to the situation?

Further comments:

“Mr. Zednikei.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Notify the fleet to go to full alert status and initiate final preparedness checks. We launch in 60 minutes.”

“Yes, sir!”

Sections like this I do like, because you are dealing with immediacy, and apply "show don't tell". We have no idea what's going on, but there's obviously a sense of tension, and you do not leap to explain it to us.

However, in the other sections, you jump away from immediacy, and instead write infodumps - the history of Mr. Zednikei, for example. Your story may be stronger if you focus on the main character's motivations and conflicts to draw us into them, instead of distracting to other personnel before we're properly introduced to Max.

I think this in part may come from incomplete character development - if you read up about emotional development arcs, you can apply that and put your foundations in a section like this.

Additionally, something many books on writing advise is to present the "stakes" as early as possible. In this draft, I struggle to determine what the actual stakes are.

A smaller issue is to be careful with your concepts, and how you present them. This line:

I never wanted to be a President, a King, or an Emperor. I never desired to be a Chancellor, a Premier, or a head of state, yet here I stand…

You would be better off starting from the smaller positions, and then work to the higher titles to show ascension - otherwise you denigrate the importance of the higher titles by going to lower ones, or even suggest demotion - Max was an emperor, then a chancellor?

One more thing about this list is that it clearly implies very different types of government - kings and emperors offer examples of absolute rule, but a president exists on the basis of a democratic mandate. The danger is that you're throwing in every title you can think of, resulting in a confused political background emerging from the start.

Overall, not bad, though - you're doing some things right. However, if you want to fast-track your understanding of specific writing tools that you can use to the benefit of the story, there's a thread on recommended writing books here:
https://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/551724/

All just my personal opinion, though!

 

[Tim Kinder]

I found this an engaging and enjoyable, for a first draft - there's a definite sense of tension, and I do like the way you juxtapose Max's introspection with the readiness for combat.

...

Overall, not bad, though - you're doing some things right. However, if you want to fast-track your understanding of specific writing tools that you can use to the benefit of the story, there's a thread on recommended writing books here:
https://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/551724/

All just my personal opinion, though!

Ok. All of you are making feel a lot better things than I'd initially feared. I'm actually having fun reading your critiques and learning from you all.

Brian (or anyone else who can offer insight),

In order to get the issue of how I open Chapter 1 out of the way, what is good and proper form for post the beginning of Chapter 1 for all of you to read, if you'd like?

Should I let this hang here longer before posting it? Should I post it in a new critique thread?

I just don't want to do anything out of form and against proper protocol.

I have an immense amount of gratitude toward all those who have taken the time to read my Prologue and even more for those of you who have commented on it! I don't want to sully that at all.

 

[J Riff]

Well it's not long so it goes past and has the desired effect of setting up the saga. Is 'condition green' perhaps a more lucid phrase that everyone would understand? I think it's okay to just post the first chapter separately, or maybe in this thread if you are done with discussing the prologue.

 

[HareBrain]

You can post consecutive sections in the same thread if the combined word-count stays no more than 1500 words. Since the prologue is only 650, you should be fine.

(But you're free to post in a separate thread if you'd prefer.)

 

[Brian G Turner]

In order to get the issue of how I open Chapter 1 out of the way, what is good and proper form for post the beginning of Chapter 1 for all of you to read, if you'd like?

It's best to go back and think about what feedback you can use, and apply what you to the next section you consider posting. That way, the same issues are less likely to be repeated. You can't get everything, but it's good to show that you're taking at least a little in. However, it's entirely your call - if you'd prefer to just post a couple of hundred words to this thread, that's hardly going to tax anyone. However, before you do, I'm going to ask - did you think of trying for a hooky opening sentence?

 

[Tim Kinder]

It's best to go back and think about what feedback you can use, and apply what you to the next section you consider posting. That way, the same issues are less likely to be repeated. You can't get everything, but it's good to show that you're taking at least a little in. However, it's entirely your call - if you'd prefer to just post a couple of hundred words to this thread, that's hardly going to tax anyone. However, before you do, I'm going to ask - did you think of trying for a hooky opening sentence?

I've been given a multitude of things to think about. Here's what I've go so far:

1.) People seem to not like the intermittent breaks with running down the fleet's preparedness for battle. Not sure why that's so disturbing to people, but it was mentioned too many times to not be something I need to figure out how to differently. Maybe find some substitute dialogue for one of the sections to break it up a bit.

2.) Seems like I need to add more to the final setup paragraph at the end. Let Max give a bit of a speech before breaking back to the present.

3.) I thought it seemed obvious that the narrators voice through the Prologue was actually Max himself reflecting, but that seems to have been missed by a couple of people. They seem to think of the narrator as an outside entity. That said, that might need to be clarified some how.

4.) The possibility exists that rather than calling this a Prologue, I should just drop this in to the start of Chapter 1 and run from there OR I've also been kicking around the possibility of shortening this and calling it a back cover intro to my Sci-Fi saga.

As for a hooky opening sentence. Well, let's call that even more food for thought.

Thanks to everyone who has already contributed!

 

[Hex]

For me, it wasn't so much that the intermittent breaks were awkward, it was that they were essentially more of the same -- [such and such] a battle group is green -- so it didn't really feel like we were moving forward.

 

[Phyrebrat]

What Hex said +1

pH

 

[Tim Kinder]

Thank for the clarification Hex and pH! That actually gives me an idea that might solve two issues in one shot.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Be warned, I am one of the people with teeth. Here goes, comments in bold.

This is the first revision of the first draft of the first book I've written.

I will admit I am both terrified and excited to hear the comments that will be provided to me from those of you who graciously take the time to read the Prologue to my book, Max Prime.

I only hope that it, in some small way, might stand up to the weight of your discerning eyes.That's a chrons slap right there. Have confidence. Lots of people will try to knock it on your writing journey; remember only you can write what you do.

Thank you for your time,

Tim Kinder

***************************************************************************

Max Prime

In The Beginning…

By: Tim Kinder 



Prologue

I can hardly believe it’s already been twenty years. Twenty years to the day actually…which I suppose makes what I’m about to do all the more auspicious. As an opening line, I'm not keen. It seems to not have enough oomph about it. Also, in telling us 20 years have passed, it sucks some of your conflict right away - I know someone survived something, if that makes sense?

“Mr. Zednikei.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Notify the fleet to go to full alert status and initiate final preparedness checks. We launch in 60 minutes.”

“Yes, sir!”​

In some ways, it seems like it was just yesterdayAnd still a little reflective - but I'm not that keen on reflective openings, so it might be a personal twitch that I’d meet met? Dr. Peters and been introduced to the gang at G.S.S.D.N. We’ve come a long way since those early days. A terrible long way.Still not actually getting told what the story is. I'd like at this stage to have a hint that this is going to be more than just fond reminiscenes.

Thomas Gray once wrote, “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise”. I know, more so now than ever before, what those words really mean for the knowledge I now possess has, from the very beginning, come to me only at great personal cost.And again - this is all hinting and telling, and no showing. For me, it's the author jumping up and down and saying there's a great story in here, honest! I actually like your narrator's voice, I don't like that he doesn't just get on and tell me what the story is. I fell like I'm being played with and that's something that I hate.

“All Saurinian battle groups are green.”

“All Ionite battle groups are reporting green.”

“All Baltonian battle groups are green.”Okay, cool, we have aliens. Now I'm interested, though struggling to understand how they match the reflective bits. But I'll go along and see where it goes. ​

Some might look at where I am today and be envious.Nope. Because I don't have a clue where he is.... Truth is, I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t. I’ve come so far and I’m in so deep that now I’m trapped by the duty I have to holding this fragile alliance together. Okay, so I'm getting something Too many people have worked long and hard to craft and forge this alliance, sacrificing much themselves along the way, for me to just walk away now…even if it is all I’ve wanted to do since almost the very beginning.And this bit engages me a little more, something reflective but actually telling me a little more about why.

“All Hayokian support groups are green.”

“All Laydeenite support groups are green.”

“3 Taron battle groups are reporting problems. Current readiness condition, yellow.”

“Mr. Zednikei! I want to know what their problems are and I want them corrected 10 minutes ago. We’ve been preparing for this day for last three years. I want green lights all across my operations board when we launch!”

“Yes, sir.”​

The problem is that I’m not the only one to suffer loss along the way. I’m just one of many. Take Mr. Zednikei for example. This I like. I actually wonder if this wouldn't be a better start. It's clearly your narrator, but rather than being maudlin and telling us all about himself, he's telling me a story here. I think it's much more engaging. He lost most of his family and all of his possessions in the war against the Crendorians. He spent nearly 50 years in a Crendorian prisoner of war, slave labor encampment before we liberated him and tens of thousands of others. He doesn’t like to talk about that time much, but when he does, his stories make my skin crawl.Room for an analogy here, to bring a bit of show - made my skin crawl as much as his did when they pulled him out?

He, like so many others who were rescued from those internments, has proven to be extremely helpful, loyal, and eager to serve the new alliance. They serve as shining examples of bravery, courage, and perseverance. Their stories and their sacrifices only add to the weight that keeps me here, so far away from home.Here, I'd love to be shown, not told - if this was blended into the little snippets of the battle, rather than being boldly told, I'd be more engaged. But bear in mind, I am all about character, and that might not be what you're wanting (In fact, the use of a narrator probably indicates not.)

“All Taron battle groups are now reporting green, sir.”

“Excellent. Give me a report on the current completion status of the board.”

“56% of all battle groups have reported green and nearly 83% of our support groups have reported greenLots of green. I'd like more precise descriptions, it seems a way of avoiding tech stuff to be honest (I fell your pain.). I’d estimate we’ll have a full board in about twenty more minutes, sir.”

“Carry on.”​

The more I think about how this all got started, the more it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I feel like I’m the same person that I was back then, but so much has changed, so much has happened. I’ve never sought out titles or power. I never wanted to be a President, a King, or an Emperor. I never desired to be a Chancellor, a Premier, or a head of state, yet here I stand…And now back to himself, and I still don't know what or who he is.

“Mr. Blackson. We have a full board. 100% green.”

“Thank you, Mr. Zednikei. Open a communication line, fleetwide”

“The line is open, sir.”​

How could it possibly have come to this…

“Attention all fleet Commanders, Captains, Generals and Admirals. This is Max Blackson speaking, First Prime of the Unified Interplanetary Alliance. Today is the day we don’t just make a stand but…”

…but perhaps we should start…
​

In The Beginning…​

Okay, I haven't read the crits above. Firstly, your writing is good, nice and clean with a clear sense of voice. However, for me (and bear in mind what I said above about me being obsessed with characters) there was too much hinting and telling going on and not enough story. Having said that, it's very original and that's to be applauded.

 

[Tim Kinder]

Hi Jo,

Thank you for taking the time to read and critique the Prologue. I will be adding your comments to my all my considerations.

The thing I failed to do from the beginning, and maybe this bears noting better from the start in the text, is that this is a reflection from 20 years in the future.

Book 1 in my Sci Fi saga starts from the point of Max getting caught up in the story (the why and how) which occurs, 20 years to the day before the opening of the Prologue. It is, in fact, meant to be reflective so that the story can be told moving forward from Max's beginning within the saga and with the entire series moving forward to the day when this great battle will one day commence. I could easily reveal more details, but thought it best to keep a reflective piece short and only to hint at things to come in my future writings as more pieces of the saga are laid out.

In all honesty, due to other comments, I really rather wonder if my Prologue is even needed at all. Perhaps I should just start the saga without a look at where it's headed...a war that has more moving pieces than ten chess boards. (Hey, that's good. I might need to use that!)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Personally, I don't think it adds massively and if a prologue doesn't add, I usually think it's better to let it go. But then again, I have six prologues in six books, so I don't neccessarily take my own advice....