Lost - Opening Chapter

[Faisal Shamas]

An opening scene of a romantic sci-fi I am planning..

The door of the train remained open as if held by some force of magic. I stepped around, confused and nervous, a cell phone held close to my ear, taking glimpses at the girl. My heartbeat rose with every look, arrows of cupids fired right and left, those eyes tempting me to get into that train. I had never expected myself going through or doing what I was. Five minutes earlier, I had come out of the same train, a twenty six year old man, who knew nothing about love, and had never been in a relationship before.

The magic of love they would tell me. “It can happen to anyone, at any place, at any time” I never believed.

The time was 13th of March, 2014, my birthday. The place, a metro station.

It was a chilly minus ten degrees in Chicago. I could feel the cold of winter air on my face as I stepped out of that train, a bag tied around my chest. Pushing forward with the crowd, in half steps, slow steps, busy on my phone, I checked the mail for a lucky response from a university where I had applied. Nothing. Then I looked up. On the first glance, I didn’t notice her. It was a mere look up and a look down. Then I felt something, a soft brush of another shoulder against mine. I turned left.

Hair of silk flashed in my eyes. A breath that smelled fresh as roses. A golden lock hung loose as she looked around towards me. Rising along soft fur of a winter coat was a cute face; chubby pink cheeks, a small forehead, and blue eyes that shined behind light spectacles. She excused and moved forward.

I felt a surge of blood across my heart; first arrow of cupid had found its target. I turned around and pulled the phone close to my ear, pretended to be on a call, just to see her walk into the metro. What? Why? I didn’t know. I couldn’t see anything else. Something had happened to me. Something wonderful.

The train didn’t move. Some great luck. Seconds ticked away. I held the phone tighter and stepped around, taking glimpses of the beauty through a door that for some inexplicable reason won’t close. Her eyes twinkled, small face shined like a sun, attracted me. Small steps towards the train, small steps sideways, still on the phone, amidst confusion. Noise of people inside the train increased as the door remained open. A tall man shouted at a metro officer outside who was talking on a cordless.

Another look at the train and a thought. Had it by some magic stopped for me? “A silly thought” World was giving me a hint, a chance. “Sillier”

“Stop it and turn around, go your own way”

I had crushes on girls before. I had gone through these rare moments of magic. But every time I stopped myself. Convictions had become cliques that would play inside my mind. “Not good for the career” “Wastage of time” “Love is ordinary” “Not yet” But the door remained open, like Pandora’s Box waiting to be opened. I realized that if kept standing around, it would close and the train would move, and she would be gone, lost forever with these moments, and I would be lonely. Or, if I got into that train, maybe I could talk to her, bring someone special into my life.

“Love doesn’t happen by itself. You have to make it happen.” I had read once in a poem. But “would she be interested?”

I ran my eyes through the crowd, and stopped at her face. She was smiling; a shy and a cute smile, a smile that seemed to scream out loud and clear; “Make me yours.” For one time in my life, I made a good decision. That smile lead me to make that decision.

The door closed right after I entered. Perfect timing. World seemed on my side. I stood next to her, felt my heart throbbing away. The train started moving.

 

[tinkerdan]

As a scene this has some merit; and I enjoyed the little allusion to cupid at the beginning, but you might want to leave it off in the later references. Unless this is actually a story about cupid.

This is an interesting scene; but not one I would use as an introduction to the story unless its the story of a vapid young man who falls in lust often and is once more on the prowl allowing a pretty face to to turn his head. Oh sure there is the smell of perfume and soft fur of the winter coat and cute cherub-like face with glasses. Not to mention the silky hair of golden hue.

This doesn't show us much about him except that he doesn't have a very good concept of love other than he seems to believe in love at first sight. Of course if that's the whole point of the novel that works because we see him as a man misguidedly driven by his lusts and prone to impulsiveness so perhaps that's the big flaw and conflict in this story; and so far no element that requires it to be science fiction.

It might, in fact, be helpful to tell us what your objective is for the story and the character that makes this a particularly good place to start the story. I have to admit that the character does not strike me as someone I'd want to continue on with and I would likely not go much further unless something starts to happen both to demonstrate this is science fiction and that this character has some redeeming qualities that will make him worthy of my efforts to follow his story.

On the other hand if I already had good reason to want to follow the character prior to this scene and this scene were trying to demonstrate a flaw he was going to need to overcome and that would possibly lead him astray then this could work in that order; but it is not likely a good place to start the story.

 

[Faisal Shamas]

Thanks tinkerdan,

You are correct, this does not seem to give a good look into the character I am trying to construct. Will try to begin with his conflict, which is science-fiction.

 

[Tywin]

I like the concept of a protagonist who is struck by some special connection to change his way of looking at the world (ie that love, or at least love at first glance, doesn't exist), and take a chance because of some almost magical draw to a girl he sees. This seems like it could be a plot for an entire story though, and not something that gets resolved in the opening scene.

I liked the concept of being struck by cupid's arrow, but I think the specifics of how you described it threw me for a loop (see below).

Throughout I think you struggled a little bit with the English, especially with the use of articles before nouns (a,an,the) and sometimes with just choice of words which are not technically incorrect, but sounded a little strange to me (ie spectacles vs glasses). I will say that I didn't pick it up in the first two or three paragraphs, but definitely did later. After the point where my comments stop below I think the writing changed quite a bit.

Below are my specific impressions/reactions as I read through:

------------------------------------------

The door of the train remained open as if held by some force of magic. I stepped around, confused and nervous, a cell phone held close to my ear, taking glimpses at the girl. My heartbeat rose with every look, arrows of cupids fired right and left, those eyes tempting me to get into that train. [To get back on the same train? I’m a little confused about what is actually physically happening here]I had never expected myself going through or doing what I was. Five minutes earlier, I had come out of the same train, a twenty six year old man, who knew nothing about love, and had never been in a relationship before. [So, did he ride the train and she was shooting cupid arrows out of her eyes while he was riding with her, and now he’s getting back on? Or was he on the train, got off, and now he sees her through a window or something? The cupid’s arrows thing too, I like the idea, but when they are fired right and left it sounds to me like: 1) they are missing, 2) they are actual arrows, 3) they are coming out of someone’s eyes, which hurts me just to conceive of it.]

The magic of love they would tell me. [‘would tell’ sounds like something that will happen in the future, after he had already had this experience.]“It can happen to anyone, at any place, at any time” I never believed.

The time [date] was 13th of March, 2014, [March 13th, 2014. I say it the way you wrote, but that's because I'm in the Army. Civilians don't give dates this way.] my birthday. The place, a metro station.

It was a chilly minus ten degrees in Chicago [Ah, my hometown. Haven’t been there since I was a kid. Let’s see if you can stir some memories. First memory: the “Metro” in Chicago is the name of a concert hall. The civic trains in Chicago are called the “L”].I could feel the cold of winter air on my face as I stepped out of that train, a bag tied around my chest. Pushing forward with the crowd, in half steps, slow steps, busy on my phone, I checked the mail for a lucky response from a university where I had applied. Nothing. Then I looked up. On the first glance, I didn’t notice her. It was a mere look up and a look down. Then I felt something, a soft brush of another shoulder against mine. I turned left.

Hair of silk flashed in my eyes. A breath that smelled fresh as roses. A golden lock hung loose as she looked around towards me. Rising along soft fur of a winter coat was a cute face; chubby pink cheeks, a small forehead, and blue eyes that shined behind light spectacles [Spectacles infers old age to me. Like my grandmother’s bifocals].She excused and moved forward.

I felt a surge of blood across my heart; first arrow of cupid had found its target. I turned around and pulled the phone close to my ear, pretended to be on a call, just to see her walk into the metro. What? Why? I didn’t know. I couldn’t see anything else. Something had happened to me. Something wonderful.

The train didn’t move. Some great luck. Seconds ticked away. I held the phone tighter and stepped around, taking glimpses of the beauty through a door that for some inexplicable reason won’t close. Her eyes twinkled, small face shined like a sun, attracted me. Small steps towards the train, small steps sideways, still on the phone, amidst confusion. Noise of people inside the train increased as the door remained open. A tall man shouted at a metro officer [CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) officer]outside who was talking on a cordless.