SleepyDormouse
dreaming away....
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2011
- Messages
- 239
ok, this has been discussed a bit in "horse related questions" as I needed a convincing escape for a gypsy caravan from a group of men with horses. Below is the first section (it was over 1500 so I haven't put it all). I want to know if I have enough tension and the right pacing for this sort of scene please. plus any other things that jump out at you.
it is middle grade story.
##
It was a relief to see Clover harnessed and ready to go. At least Farmon and Rowena’s plan had included a quick escape. Kendric scrambled clumsily onto the footboard, his hands still bound, then helped Elene up. They moved inside the caravan as Farmon and Rowena leaped up and Rowena grabbed the reins.
They were soon hurtling along, each rut in the cart-way making the caravan jump up in the air and splash down again into puddles. Kendric was terrified they would shake the caravan apart, but had to trust that Rowena knew her horse and caravan well enough to know how fast was safe.
Farmon helped Kendric and Elene remove their gags, wrist and hand bindings. Then looked down the side of the caravan at the cart-way behind them. “Lets hope it takes them a long time to catch those horses, or we haven’t a chance of staying ahead. Clover can’t keep this pace up for long, and those other horses don’t have a caravan to haul.”
“Even that won’t help if it keeps raining like this.” Rowena looked at the heavy clouds, her hair plastered to her head despite the overhand that protected most of the porch from the driving rain. “We have to cross a ford soon, I’m worried the water will be too high.”
“Mmm, you’re right.” said Farmon, watching ahead with growing concern. “I had forgotten the ford.”
“What if it’s too high?” Kendric asked. “Can’t we go another way?”
“There are no other tracks, we either cross the river or turn around and head back to the village,” Farmon’s voice was sober. “We would just have to make a stand as best as we can. Rowena and I used all of our power on that noose, Elene, Kendric, do you have any left?”
“They… they took my gem Dad. I can’t do any magic at all.” Elene said, her voice trembling. Farmon swept her into a tight one-armed hug and rested his straggly beard on her head. Elene leaned into him and closed her eyes. She stiffled a sob in his cloak.
Farmon looked at Kendric his brown eyes harrowed and yet determined, “What about you Kendric, any more surprises up your sleeve?”
Kendric shook his head. He was exhausted, drained. Having that much magic surge through him on the green had left him feeling hollow and weak. He didn’t think he could even connect to the underflow again without passing out. If it came down to a fight, them against Attor and his men, he had a pretty good feeling how it would go. They had swords, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
Pulling herself together Elene wiped her face roughly with her sleeves and pushed gently away from her dad. “I’ll keep watch out the back,” she said, then walked down the lurching caravan. She climbed onto the raised bed, her muddy shoes hanging over the edge as she knelt up and looked out of a window Kendric hadn’t noticed before. “No sign of them yet,” she called.
Kendric joined her, admiring her determination to not give up. He watched out of the small window, trying to hold in his stomach contents against the jolting of the caravan. Rain pummelled the caravan roof, the noise was deafening. It was also almost impossible to see far behind, everything was blurred by the falling curtain of water. How Rowena could see to drive at this speed he had no idea.
After what seemed like a long time but was probably only minutes murky dark shapes emerged behind them and appeared to be getting bigger.
“They’ve coming!” shouted Elene to her parents, as she scrambled down from the high bed and stumbled over to them, holding furniture for balance.
He followed it seemed luck was not on their side. The caravan rounded a corner and there before them was the ford. For a moment he felt hope, perhaps they could still make it, then his heart sank. On the opposite bank, the cart-way continued, disappearing into the woodland but between them and it was a churning, torrent of water. A large branch washed past downstream.
“Easy, Clover, easy girl.” Rowena’s hands fell lifeless into her lap, the reins loose. Clover slowed to a walk, her ears flicking. “It’s too deep.” Rowena said, pale faced.
Elene ran back to the rear window. “They are getting closer, four, no five men. What do we do?”
Farmon watched the water surge past and looked upsteam, then he grabbed the reins from Rowena’s lap. “Trot on, Clover,” he commanded. Clover surged forwards, her sturdy legs throwing splashes over the footboard and Farmon’s feet.
“What are you doing?” Rowena cried as she reached for the reins, “It’s too deep, too fast, we will get washed downstream, and Clover can’t swim with this caravan attached. She will be drowned!”
“We have no choice.” Farmon shouted back as he held the reins tightly, the rain streaming down his hood and dripping from his bedraggled beard. “We can’t stand and face them! There are five men with swords, we can’t fight them!”
Rowena stopped trying to grab the reins. Wringing her hands in her lap, she anxiously watched the water swell higher up Clovers legs with each step.
They were a quarter of the way across when Elene called out “The first rider is at the waters edge! He is coming in.”
Feeling useless, Kendric joined Elene again on the bed. One rider was in the water, only a few meters behind them. He was struggling to control his horse though, who was reluctant to go in the water. He was kicking it savagely in the sides, forcing it forwards. The other four horses had stopped on the bank. Attor recognisable by his straight posture. They seemed to be waiting to see if the caravan and other rider would make it across before deciding to enter, perhaps thinking we would be forced to turn back.
Clover made it to the middle of the river, leaning hard into the head collar, the deluge of water pushing past her belly and fighting against every her step.. She would be exhausted after this crossing. If both they and the other riders made it to the other side they would not be able to get away. Suddenly the mad, brave crossing of this swollen river seemed futile. The only chance they had was if the other riders couldn’t make it across.
Exhausted already, Kendric’s head was swimming from fatigue. But he had to find a way of stopping the riders. If only he knew more about how to use magic, it was useless to have this ability when he didn't’ know how to save himself and his friends.If he only had the energy he could, perhaps, make a branch fall from a tree upstream, but he would have no way of controlling where it went, it could just as easily bash into Clover as the other horse and rider.
He had to think of something that would last long enough for them to get a good distance away before the riders crossed. He watched the horse and rider through the window, the horse stumbled and struggled to get its footing then tried to turn its head and return to the bank. The rider kicked it in the ribs again and forces its head round, pulling the bit hard into the horses mouth, and wide eyed with fear the horse continues towards them, slightly downstream now.
The weight of the caravan must be helping Clover stay grounded, she wasn’t struggling as much as the other horse.If he could make the water rise this rider would turn back and the others would have to wait for the water to go down again. The rain wasn’t making it rise quick enough. He looked deeper, searching for an Underflow that he could try and connect to, but there were none.
He went back to the front of the footboard and squatted down, ignoring Rowena’s curious glances. Getting a good grip of the door sill with one hand he lowered the other into the swirling dark water. Even though he expected it to pull him he wasn’t prepared for the fierce tugging, and was glad of his firm grip on the caravan.
Magic filaments run through the water, so fast moving it was impossible to focus on them, they danced in patterns that Kendric felt he should know but couldn’t identify. He withdrew his dripping hand with crushing disappointment, he had no idea how to change or control the water. He had no power left to manipulate them anyway.
it is middle grade story.
##
It was a relief to see Clover harnessed and ready to go. At least Farmon and Rowena’s plan had included a quick escape. Kendric scrambled clumsily onto the footboard, his hands still bound, then helped Elene up. They moved inside the caravan as Farmon and Rowena leaped up and Rowena grabbed the reins.
They were soon hurtling along, each rut in the cart-way making the caravan jump up in the air and splash down again into puddles. Kendric was terrified they would shake the caravan apart, but had to trust that Rowena knew her horse and caravan well enough to know how fast was safe.
Farmon helped Kendric and Elene remove their gags, wrist and hand bindings. Then looked down the side of the caravan at the cart-way behind them. “Lets hope it takes them a long time to catch those horses, or we haven’t a chance of staying ahead. Clover can’t keep this pace up for long, and those other horses don’t have a caravan to haul.”
“Even that won’t help if it keeps raining like this.” Rowena looked at the heavy clouds, her hair plastered to her head despite the overhand that protected most of the porch from the driving rain. “We have to cross a ford soon, I’m worried the water will be too high.”
“Mmm, you’re right.” said Farmon, watching ahead with growing concern. “I had forgotten the ford.”
“What if it’s too high?” Kendric asked. “Can’t we go another way?”
“There are no other tracks, we either cross the river or turn around and head back to the village,” Farmon’s voice was sober. “We would just have to make a stand as best as we can. Rowena and I used all of our power on that noose, Elene, Kendric, do you have any left?”
“They… they took my gem Dad. I can’t do any magic at all.” Elene said, her voice trembling. Farmon swept her into a tight one-armed hug and rested his straggly beard on her head. Elene leaned into him and closed her eyes. She stiffled a sob in his cloak.
Farmon looked at Kendric his brown eyes harrowed and yet determined, “What about you Kendric, any more surprises up your sleeve?”
Kendric shook his head. He was exhausted, drained. Having that much magic surge through him on the green had left him feeling hollow and weak. He didn’t think he could even connect to the underflow again without passing out. If it came down to a fight, them against Attor and his men, he had a pretty good feeling how it would go. They had swords, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
Pulling herself together Elene wiped her face roughly with her sleeves and pushed gently away from her dad. “I’ll keep watch out the back,” she said, then walked down the lurching caravan. She climbed onto the raised bed, her muddy shoes hanging over the edge as she knelt up and looked out of a window Kendric hadn’t noticed before. “No sign of them yet,” she called.
Kendric joined her, admiring her determination to not give up. He watched out of the small window, trying to hold in his stomach contents against the jolting of the caravan. Rain pummelled the caravan roof, the noise was deafening. It was also almost impossible to see far behind, everything was blurred by the falling curtain of water. How Rowena could see to drive at this speed he had no idea.
After what seemed like a long time but was probably only minutes murky dark shapes emerged behind them and appeared to be getting bigger.
“They’ve coming!” shouted Elene to her parents, as she scrambled down from the high bed and stumbled over to them, holding furniture for balance.
He followed it seemed luck was not on their side. The caravan rounded a corner and there before them was the ford. For a moment he felt hope, perhaps they could still make it, then his heart sank. On the opposite bank, the cart-way continued, disappearing into the woodland but between them and it was a churning, torrent of water. A large branch washed past downstream.
“Easy, Clover, easy girl.” Rowena’s hands fell lifeless into her lap, the reins loose. Clover slowed to a walk, her ears flicking. “It’s too deep.” Rowena said, pale faced.
Elene ran back to the rear window. “They are getting closer, four, no five men. What do we do?”
Farmon watched the water surge past and looked upsteam, then he grabbed the reins from Rowena’s lap. “Trot on, Clover,” he commanded. Clover surged forwards, her sturdy legs throwing splashes over the footboard and Farmon’s feet.
“What are you doing?” Rowena cried as she reached for the reins, “It’s too deep, too fast, we will get washed downstream, and Clover can’t swim with this caravan attached. She will be drowned!”
“We have no choice.” Farmon shouted back as he held the reins tightly, the rain streaming down his hood and dripping from his bedraggled beard. “We can’t stand and face them! There are five men with swords, we can’t fight them!”
Rowena stopped trying to grab the reins. Wringing her hands in her lap, she anxiously watched the water swell higher up Clovers legs with each step.
They were a quarter of the way across when Elene called out “The first rider is at the waters edge! He is coming in.”
Feeling useless, Kendric joined Elene again on the bed. One rider was in the water, only a few meters behind them. He was struggling to control his horse though, who was reluctant to go in the water. He was kicking it savagely in the sides, forcing it forwards. The other four horses had stopped on the bank. Attor recognisable by his straight posture. They seemed to be waiting to see if the caravan and other rider would make it across before deciding to enter, perhaps thinking we would be forced to turn back.
Clover made it to the middle of the river, leaning hard into the head collar, the deluge of water pushing past her belly and fighting against every her step.. She would be exhausted after this crossing. If both they and the other riders made it to the other side they would not be able to get away. Suddenly the mad, brave crossing of this swollen river seemed futile. The only chance they had was if the other riders couldn’t make it across.
Exhausted already, Kendric’s head was swimming from fatigue. But he had to find a way of stopping the riders. If only he knew more about how to use magic, it was useless to have this ability when he didn't’ know how to save himself and his friends.If he only had the energy he could, perhaps, make a branch fall from a tree upstream, but he would have no way of controlling where it went, it could just as easily bash into Clover as the other horse and rider.
He had to think of something that would last long enough for them to get a good distance away before the riders crossed. He watched the horse and rider through the window, the horse stumbled and struggled to get its footing then tried to turn its head and return to the bank. The rider kicked it in the ribs again and forces its head round, pulling the bit hard into the horses mouth, and wide eyed with fear the horse continues towards them, slightly downstream now.
The weight of the caravan must be helping Clover stay grounded, she wasn’t struggling as much as the other horse.If he could make the water rise this rider would turn back and the others would have to wait for the water to go down again. The rain wasn’t making it rise quick enough. He looked deeper, searching for an Underflow that he could try and connect to, but there were none.
He went back to the front of the footboard and squatted down, ignoring Rowena’s curious glances. Getting a good grip of the door sill with one hand he lowered the other into the swirling dark water. Even though he expected it to pull him he wasn’t prepared for the fierce tugging, and was glad of his firm grip on the caravan.
Magic filaments run through the water, so fast moving it was impossible to focus on them, they danced in patterns that Kendric felt he should know but couldn’t identify. He withdrew his dripping hand with crushing disappointment, he had no idea how to change or control the water. He had no power left to manipulate them anyway.
