Blurb Ideas

[ralphkern]

I am just sketching out some blurb ideas for Endurance/Venture, the side-quel to Endeavour. (Endurance was the original name, which was also the name of a ship that is used in the story, however due to Interstellar's ship being called that I am considering changing it)

At the moment I'm not looking for an in-depth critique on the blurb itself, merely stylistically which seems better.

The book is written in the 1st person, and is generally a SF mystery. It starts off as a whodunnit before segueing into a military thriller before turning Big Idea. Hard SF under pins the story - for those that have read Endeavour, it is of the same universe, but the concept is it follows cops and intelligence agents in this universe rather than explorers and scientists. The trilogy arc I have is that either of these books can form a starting point, with the other being book 2. Book 3 is the only one that has to be read in sequence after the first two. (The characters of Endeavour and Endurance will have a protagonist/antagonist relationship with each other in book 3 - essentially, the reader can back which team they want)

Anyway -

1st Person version:

This may be a golden age for most. We’re taming the planets of the solar system and we’re exploring the nearest stars. I’m not a philosopher by trade, I’m just a cop, but even I can see humanity is reaching its potential.

Then something happened. Something that changed all that. Something terrible and that was only the start of it – The murder of a whole moon, hundreds dead and people throughout the worlds terrified.

They sent us to find out what happened. We’ve seen things, the beauty of space, how cold it can be and how near death we all are. We hunted those responsible from one end of the solar system to the other and beyond.

And where we’ve found ourselves, so far from home and knowing what we know now makes us question everything.

This is our story.

Endurance. The sequel to Endeavour and the continuation of the Sleeping Gods story.

Versus

3rd person version

It is a golden age. The far flung worlds of the Solar System have been tamed and the nearest stars are being explored, For most, life is perfect. Humanity is close to realising its true potential.

Yet one event shatters this idyllic future. Io a moon of Jupiter is destroyed and hundreds of people are dead. Whether an act of war, terror or simple madness, those responsible must be called to account. A team is hastily assembled with one goal - Find who did it and bring them to justice.

The hunt will take them on a journey from the burning deserts of Africa to the cosmopolitan space stations of Jupiter and far beyond.

And what they discover out there, will change everything.

Endurance. The sequel to Endeavour and the continuation of the Sleeping Gods story.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I like the third-person one better, but that may be because the first-person one changes from present tense to past and back again.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

The 3rd person one engaged me more.

If I lifted a book off the shelf with the first blurb, I don't think I'd get as far as opening it. With second one I'd definitely be interested in reading more.

 

[LittleStar]

Just to add a contrary opinion... (cause, you know, who doesn't want a bit of indecision) I preffered the first person. I tend to like third person better, but this one seemed more grabbing for me. Characterised and voice-y. I could picture a black and white scene; the cop, wearing a long coat and trilby i might add, looking out the space-window as the nearest ship drifts lazily by at a thousand metres/second, speaking in a raspy smoker baritone.

Third person seemed a bit more upbeat, 'the team was assembled' vs 'they sent us' for example, and the darker tone seemed to fit better with the story for me.

 

[chopper]

third person for me, though note it's possible to "header" a blurb with a sentence of dialogue, if you wish, and that would bring both first and third person into play.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Third for me, but I think Chopper's idea is good. It needs a bit of fixing, punctuation-wise, though.

 

[Mr Orange]

third for me too. i think part of that is because it seems better thought out and polished and more blurby (if that's a word)

i also think chopper's onto something. having a quick look, i plucked this out as possible dialogue to start the blurb:

"They sent us to find out what happened. We’ve seen things; the beauty of space, how cold it can be and how near death we all are. Where we’ve found ourselves, so far from home and knowing what we know, well, it makes me question everything."

2c and all that...

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

I'm no expert and maybe that's why I liked the first person version better.

If the book is first person following the cop, I though it was a nice intro having him narrate the blurb.

 

[HareBrain]

If you go with first, you should change the tenses. At the moment, you've got present tense, then the word "then", followed by past tense. "Something is happening, then something did happen" makes no sense.

 

[ralphkern]

As I said, I wasn't looking for a technical crit, just a feel for which people prefer. Seems to be third so that's anwsered. Cheers folks

 

[chopper]

I think Chopper's idea is good.

i also think chopper's onto something.

i'm beginning to think i should go into business writing cover copy

 

[ralphkern]

you should! Although if you think a first paragraph is hard it's nothing on a blurb! Most important few hundred words of your book!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I do like the sound of the first person, but it's really impossible to compare the two viewpoints because one blurb is so polished (the third person) and the other isn't.

 

[ratsy]

I prefer the third. Even though the book is in first, it sounds a little strange for the blurb to be in first. At least to me.

Looking forward to the book

 

[ralphkern]

Ok, we're getting a little long now, but not overly worried about that at the moment, it can still be drilled down.

Something like this... The only thing I don't like is the fact it's drama - calm - drama. It feels a little disjointed... But I still like the idea of getting the voice of the MC into the blurb, a kind of tired weariness that still says after he's been knocked down he'll still get up swinging... (Thanks Chopper for the combo)

Here goes...

"They sent us to find out what happened. We’ve seen things; the beauty of space, how cold it can be and how near death we all are. Where we’ve found ourselves, so far from home and knowing what we know, well, it makes us question everything."

It is a golden age. The far flung worlds of the Solar System have been tamed and the nearest stars are being explored, For most, life is perfect. Humanity is close to realising its true potential.

Yet one event shatters this idyllic future (although present for the MC?!?). Io, a moon of Jupiter is destroyed and hundreds of people are dead. Whether an act of war, terror or simple madness, those responsible must be called to account. A team is hastily assembled with one goal - Find who did it and bring them to justice.

The hunt will take them on a journey from the burning deserts of Africa to the cosmopolitan space stations of Jupiter and far beyond.

And what they discover out there, will change everything. (To close to the first passage?)

Endurance. The sequel to Endeavour and the continuation of the Sleeping Gods story.

 

[Hex]

I'm not critting, but I do think it was difficult to compare the two.

I had a couple of questions: is the story itself in first person?

And I really liked the "I'm not a philosopher, I'm just a cop..." line, because now it sounds like your story is a kind of space detectives, and that's pretty cool-sounding. I like the character's voice, too. I also thought the destruction of the moon came over more powerfully in the first person version (although maybe it could be trimmed a little).

So, for me, the first person one could be much more enticing and stronger than the third, but right now it's not really pulling its weight.

I personally am not a fan of the sort of blurbs that have "...from the burning deserts of Africa to the...." sort of promises of journeys, but that's probably just me.

I would have picked up the book from the fp version of the blurb, not the third person, but I'm not really your audience.

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked them either way first or third; but felt that they were quite distancing and if they represented the writing inside I'd want to read the pages inside before deciding to commit to it. That's just me.

The last one seems more clinical and very distant and looked like this to me.
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The golden age: the solar system conquered and nearby stars explored; humanity on the verge of reaching full potential. No longer overwhelmed by the delicate nature of sustaining life in space.

The wake-up call: Jupiter's moon, Io, destroyed and hundreds dead. A crime demanding immediate action to restore humanities confidence and to bring the perpetrators to justice.

The investigation: spanning humanities home-world and stars and beyond; to a discovery that will change everything.
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Not entirely bad and I would definitely look into those interior pages for more. But that's the way I read. The blurb means less to me than the first few pages and I always read those.


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