10,000! Argh...

[Jo Zebedee]

I thought it was much clearer this time and liked how you closed the open issues from the first draft. It's amazing what a subtle word here and there can do.

I'm great if people tell me what to write.

 

[Juliana]

Congrats on the 10 thousand, springs. And nice work; this has come along quite a way from the initial opening you posted a while back, which was a little too curt and confusing. Now we actually get a feel for the world and situation. I think this is a much better place to start the story. Keep at it! You're getting there.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm here to disrupt another consensus, but since you have a consensus, you'd probably do best to ignore me.

I didn't get round to reading the first version, but I've read the revised one about four times and I can't get a handle on it. It feels "slippery". For me, it doesn't set the scene concretely enough, and nothing much seems to be happening at the moment (or it's not clear why they're doing what they're doing), and I don't get enough sense of Anna as a person. I don't need all three things right away, but I'd like two, or one if it's done particularly well. There's also a bit of disguised information-dispersal, such as slipping in the MC's age by reference to someone else. Maybe it's me being jaded because I've tried all those tricks myself, but it didn't feel natural.

I then went back and read the first version, and found the same thing at the start. But reading on, I found it suddenly took off, for me, with the paragraph:

The air smelt of smoke and grime; they had reached the railroad depot next to the commercial quarter. Blake squeezed her wrist, readying her. She found her breath hitching – they had to get clear of the depot and through the commercial quarter to the mining zone, the centre of Nova Grantia.

(Though I'd lose the last five words: again, it's unnecessary info at the moment.)

Although it seems more vague than your actual beginning, this is actually enough info for me to start building the world around the characters, and they're doing things, and their characters are revealed through their actions. Starting here (with a few adjustments to what follows, no doubt) would give me all three things that (for me) were missing from your opening.

And congrats on the 10,000!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Blagh. There's always one....

I think the first part is rounding out and becoming more lively as I work on it. But if it stays flat, I could easily start where you've pointed out.

 

[Dan Jones]

Hi Springs,

The prospect of the rugby tomorrow - and England's blistering showing in the cricket against Sri Lanka right now - is keeping me awake, so I thought I'd offer my thoughts.

I've read both versions now, and the following comments are on the second version.

As usual

I think "As usual" is a weak opening. I'd lose it. It implies monotony, ennui. Perhaps better to move the recurring nature of this event later in the sentence or para.

As usual, on the twentieth day the courtyard was busy, sacks of food and drums of water unloaded from the first of two carts, the returning mages from the other, helped down by their families and half-carried to the wooden houses surrounding the courtyard.

It's also a dang long opening sentence. I got called on a long opening sentence not long ago and it was a fair cop; unless you're PG Wodehouse (see The Luck Of The Bodkins) it's probably best to shorten it a tad.

[Interjection: Eoin Morgan, you're flippin' hopeless!]

Ten mages, tall and straight, selected as the strongest, joined the line of Council Guards in front of the dark metal gates, closed for now.

In my mind these mages are chained up or something, given what I know from the previous draft. If so shouldn't this be explicit? If not, should there be some other hint as to their incarceration? A first-time reader mightn't understand that the reason these ten mages are being chosen is a grim one.

A silence fell, born of the moment, of the knowing what lay ahead, of the uselessness of it all.

That last part "the uselessness of it all" threatens to jump out of POV. I assume this means Anna's feeling that it's all useless; or is Anna imposing her assumptions upon the audience? If you read the line it's like the audience is collectively conveying that. There's no sense of Anna's individual feelings about it.

Anna’s mother touched her arm, making her jump,

Why does she jump? Is she scared of her mum? Perhaps better to say "someone touches my arm, and I jump, but it's only my mum" ??? Or something like that.

the closest friend he had.

I don't think this coda is necessary. I'd remove it.

Anna winced; only six months older than her and Blake and already eligible for service.

OK, by this point I think, my points above notwithstanding, it's better. There are more breadcrumbs and fewer great big loaves.
I think, perhaps surprisingly for you and considering the first first draft, that we've lost a little bit of Anna's feelings about the situation. It's almost like the POV has shifted subtly and used the audience as a proxy, as I've mentioned above. I'm aware I'm probably being a right pain as everybody else has said that the second version is an improvement (and it's just my opinion etc etc), but I do feel that Anna is more distant in this version.

The stakes don't feel as urgent. The final touch of her mother is done "unbearably" but that's about it.

Having said that, the imagery was much clearer, perhaps because you didn't try to explain it too much. I think you're quite ok with not giving away the full grisly detail of what's going on; that can wait. But it seems to me that with this second version you're not playing to your strengths, which is character and emotion, which is a bit odd to me.

Still, there's a very good first scene in there. Hope this all makes sense. Shiraz can be a fickle companion.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think it's rare to capture the freshness of a first draft in a honed later versions, especially at the start. But that might just be for me? I have a history of putting prologues back in for that reason, actually....

All lovely points. Thank you. the shiraz did no harm...

 

[thaddeus6th]

Gentle? Terribly sorry, I only have one setting for beta-reading. *sharpens claws*

The twenty-day selection were called for - 'called for' reads a little awkwardly. I'd axe 'for'

the high metal gates, closed for now - closed metal gates [could add 'high' to 'walls of the mage' if you wanted to]

The storms of the Outland Plain never reached this square of dry ground, nor the wind the streets of low wooden houses. - presuming this is due to the walls? I'd rewrite a little, perhaps describe the walls as a shield against the storm, or even a cloak.

forced herself to calm - be calm/calm down

His eyes, though, were quick, flitting from the guards, - axe 'though', and the final comma here

to the supply cart which had earlier carried food and a supply of water for the next twenty days - are the words after 'cart' needed?

“Ready?” he murmured, reaching her - dislike the order. The murmur should follow his reaching here, not precede it.

She nodded; as much as she ever would be - again, reverse the order. This makes it sound like she's nodding as much as she ever would be.

she of the high-pitched, practiced histrionics - 'practised'. Like licence, this takes an S when used as a verb.

one of the ten: her son, Mattheus, tall, broad and not a little shaky on it - I'd make the description a separate sentence, or axe it, or make the bit after the colon a separate sentence.

Blake burrowed next to her - lots of 'her's in a couple of lines. Change one or two to avoid repetition.

an unbearably final squeeze of her shoulder. - could axe the 'unbearably final' aspect, as it's implicit (she says goodbye)

She needed to sneeze - 'wanted' [unless she ends up sneezing]

encircling her wrist, giving comfort. - axe the last two words, perhaps rephrase the earlier bit [holding hands?]

Blake’s hand tightened - grip

quarter and given a future that didn’t include their service. - service sounds a little mild

chained wrist to wrist, ankle to ankle as ever. - axe 'as ever'

The air smelt - finickity, as I'd usually pronounce it this way too, but technically it should be 'smelled', as 'smelt' literally refers to smithy/foundry-type activities

the railroad depot - railway?

She found her breath hitching - could just be me, but this wording is unfamiliar

Carefully, she sat up -axe 'carefully'.

and she felt horribly exposed. - axe 'and' and make this its own sentence

She hunched over, but didn’t stop. - not sure about this. Stopping would seem madness, so I'd axe that, and maybe rewrite the earlier bit

most of the city took advantage of the Dark to go to their homes. - maybe emphasise resting/enjoying a day off?

Miners couldn’t work until the next twenty-day was started; the cranes to load the trains wouldn’t operate. - should the latter also be 'couldn't'?

“Let’s go,” said Blake. “Final furlong.” - I love the slightly mental imperial measurements. Much better than metres and kilometres.

She ran for the commercial quarter, yells following her, the hard sound of boots. - hard sound of boots doing what? Hammering the pavement/road, presumably, but you should specify

She put her head down, sprinting like she never had before, down alleys, across streets, darting around bins. She didn’t know where she was, what part of town, only that at some point the steps behind her stopped. She’d lost them. - good, except that 'she' is overused. [and after this as well]

----
Quite liked it overall, though I'm surprised you're writing fantasy.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Lovely teeth, thank you.

I do write fantasy from time to time - Waters was. I just don't tend to fantasy in the traditional settings, and this won't be either. The city, once we get to it will be pretty funky. The mage quarter isn't representative. Which brings me back to @HareBrain's crit and if it's starting in the right place. Hmmm.