Opening - take 2 (700 words)

[Avid Scifi Fan]

I'm no expert, but I would outline the hook you wanted first. Then expand it. With my short attention span I saw the following:

Kid scared of storm (character intro)

Small talk (character development)

Kid gets gift (is this the hook to lead into the story?)

Over all I thought it read well, but I think some of the small talk section could have been shorter and focused more on the girl wanting a puppy.

 

[SleepyDormouse]

I really like this piece, it is well written, but I did have the feeling that I had missed things.
As others have said it isn't very hooky. I think the idea of starting with her hearing wolves is great. and keeping the thunder and lightning discussion less metaphorical.

You could have the tea party, hear wolves then new toy.