Another beginning to my WIP - 795 words

[lauren$77]

So I just can't seem to start my WIP. The agents always say its not interesting enough, so I keep rewriting. This is my most recent attempt. I value anyone's comments - good or bad p.s. it hasn't been beta read so there could be grammer errors.

Chapter 1

It was a vertical glass-like sheet that stopped her leaving. Not that it was glass, neither was it flat, but a giant dome that surrounded her world and everything she knew was in it. Umrae tapped its opaque surface, "We call you the Shield, but what do you actually shield us from?" she asked it. The shield was silent on the matter. She leaned close to peer at the blurry shapes beyond. Were those rocks, trees, hills... or the twisted forms of the cursed? She sighed, who knew? No one inside could know as no one ever left.

Umrae glanced over her shoulder; the sun had yet to rise. Already light sparkled off the highest point of shield, causing the mist that hung to the ground to glow. She ran her hands over its smooth surface as far as she could reach, and down to the bottom where it extended deep into the earth. She smiled when a circular area rippled. "Found you," she whispered and prodded it with her finger. It felt like jelly and was bigger than a dinner plate. Her breath caught, this one was far larger than any she’d ever found. She pressed her hand into it… pop. Her hand disappeared. She wriggled her fingers; the air was much cooler on the other side. Yanking her hand back she studied it, relieved to see it looked the same. Did she dare stick her head through? Once the light of the rising sun hit the shield fully, it would regenerate and be hard like glass. She rubbed her neck; she rather liked her head where it was. But she wanted to know, she needed to know.

Umrae took a deep breath and pushed her head through the soft jelly-like substance... pop. A rush of cold air hit her face, it stung her cheeks and made her eyes water. Blinking away tears she gasped. Where were the trees, the grass, the hills? The world outside was all bare earth with a few rocks, a flat landscape devoid of any life. She twisted her head to either side, but there was nothing more to see. Disappointed, she pulled herself back. All that time she’d wondered what lay beyond. She needn’t have bothered, the outside world was a dull, barren place.

Was that voices?She craned her head to listen, then crept further along the path that followed the perimeter of the shield. Up ahead were two figures, their tall forms silhouetted in the pale morning light. "Aeryesh... mai harayai." The foreign words drifted in the mist. Umrae paused. She spotted some undergrowth and dove into it. Peeping between leaves she saw a woman and a man. Both had dark shoulder length hair. The woman's face was obscured by hers and her arm was pushed through the shield.

"Yevai towideer," said the man, who had his back to Umrae.

What language was that? And why weren’t they speaking Andolen? Mouthing his words, Umrae frowned. It reminded her of the vae language. One of her favourite children’s books had been an old book of vae tales and some of the text had been written in vae. Of course no one could understand or speak it... except the vae that was.

"Varais," shouted the man. He grabbed the woman's shoulder and pulled her arm out of the shield, just before the sun's rays hit it. Its hard, glassy surface, glinted in the light. The woman was lucky.

The woman whipped around and disappeared down the well-trodden path away from the shield. Umrae recognised the woman; her name was Highta. Not that she'd ever spoken to her.

The man turned. Umrae ducked lower beneath the leaves as he scanned the bushes where she hid. She knew this man too, it was Councillor Komen. Umrae's face flushed with anger. She'd told the council three years ago that the shield was failing, and no one had believed her. And yet here was a councillor fully aware of the holes now appearing in its surface. A sudden cold washed over her. A shield built to protect her people from the vae; the Morth de Vae. She studied Komen's chiselled, handsome face. Could this man be vae? In her picture book the vae looked human. But the vae were supposedly cursed by demons, all ugly and deformed. They were also supposed to be outside the shield not in it.

The man took a step towards her, Umrae held her breath. He paused squinting at the vegetation, then turned on his heel and left. She let out a long sigh. She rubbed her head in confusion, she needed to think.

She waited until the sun was higher in the sky before following the two down the track home.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I don't think it's particularly boring - not at all, but I think you're making it a little uninspiring because you're telling instead of showing. I think there are also quite a few words that you can cut out to 'pace it up' or at least improve the flow.

For example, the opening:

It was a vertical glass-like sheet that stopped her leaving. Not that it was glass, neither was it flat, but a giant dome that surrounded her world and everything she knew was in it. Umrae tapped its opaque surface, "We call you the Shield, but what do you actually shield us from?" she asked it.

Personally the contradiction is redundant ; Not that it was glass, neither was it flat

and the everything she knew was in it is vague and over-general to my mind.

I'd also open with her name, rather than she.

You've introduced the notion that she talks to it, and I think that technique can get you around a lot of the telling; why not have her talk at the shield, personally, to impart some knowledge to the reader? You'll have to be careful so that it doesn't sound like a contrived info-dump, but it's one method.

Also, take your time; we don't need to know the specifics of the dome right now, just that it is blocking her. You can drip feed its facts and origin etc over a longer time. I think we're introduced to the dome in Stephen King's Under The Dome by a woodchuck being sliced in two as it comes down. Your dome is already in existence so this wouldn't work, but later on a plane flies into it. You could have something thrown at the dome - perhaps in conscious frustration - and describe it bouncing off.

I'm just rattling off the top of my head, but I think you've got a nice idea and should spend time on less telling and more of the action/showing.

pH

 

[Brian G Turner]

We've covered a lot of issues in the Writing Resources section, and one of them is about creating punchy sentences. I can see what you're trying to say in yours, but found it very confusing at first - it's a sheet of glass? No, it's a dome? Oh, it's not glass? Your first sentence is a series of contradictions you purposefully set up, and I can't see that being very enticing.

Afterwards - it all just feels like distant juxtaposition - 'here is my world, here is some stuff about it'. That's not engaging - we need you to provide some reason to care, snare our interest. It doesn't have to be big, glamourous, or exciting - just something we can associate with - an experience - which then drops us into your world.

IMO you should consider doing that in this piece - and especially at the start of a story. Definitely instead of raising irrelevant question, which is what this seems to do.

Read books on structure, and they will tell you to push your stakes into the story as early as possible. What are the stakes in your story? Why should we read? Look to answer those questions, and you can look to shape this into something much stronger.

All my personal and idealised opinion, though.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Teethies in place but I think it's going to be really hard to crit if an opening is effective if it's not pretty well honed...



Chapter 1

It was a vertical glass-like sheet that stopped her - pet hate, not having a character named at the very start. leaving. Not that it was glass, neither was it flat, but a giant dome that surrounded her world and everything she knew was in it. I agree with everyone else - tell us what it is, not what it might be, or what it's not....

Umrae tapped its opaque surface, "We call you the Shield, but what do you actually shield us from?" she asked itcould drop it. The shield was silent on the matter. She leaned close to peer at the blurry shapes beyond. Were those rocks, trees, hills... or the twisted forms of the cursed? She sighed, who knew? No one inside could know as no one ever left.

Umrae glanced over her shoulder; the sun had yet to rise. Already light sparkled off the highest point of shield, causing the mist that hung to the ground to glow. She ran her hands over its smooth surface as far as she could reach, and down to the bottom where it extended deep into the earth. She smiled when a circular area rippled. I'd take a new paragraph here

"Found you," she whispered and prodded it with her finger. It felt like jelly and was bigger than a dinner plate. Her breath caught, this one was far larger than any she’d ever found. She pressed her hand into it… pop. Her hand disappeared. She wriggled her fingers; the air was much cooler on the other side. Yanking her hand back she studied it, relieved to see it looked the same. Did she dare stick her head through? Once the light of the rising sun hit the shield fully, it would regenerate and be hard like glass. She rubbed her neck; she rather liked her head where it was. But she wanted to know, she needed to know.Okay - so why? What are the stakes? How likely is it that she'll get hurt? How's she feeling through all this? Nervous, mouth dry, heart beating? I don't feel close to her at all.

Umrae took a deep breath and pushed her head through the soft jelly-like substance... pop. A rush of cold air hit her face, it stung her cheeks and made her eyes water. Blinking away tears she gasped. Where were the trees, the grass, the hills? The world outside was all bare earth with a few rocks, a flat landscape devoid of any life. She twisted her head to either side, but there was nothing more to see. Disappointed, she pulled herself back. All that time she’d wondered what lay beyond. She needn’t have bothered, the outside world was a dull, barren place.again, why does it matter?

Was that voices?She craned her head to listen, then crept further along the path that followed the perimeter of the shield. Up ahead were two figures, their tall forms silhouetted in the pale morning light. "Aeryesh... mai harayai." The foreign words drifted in the mist. Umrae paused. She spotted some undergrowth and dove into it. Peeping between leaves she saw a woman and a man. Both had dark shoulder length hair. The woman's face was obscured by hers and her arm was pushed through the shield.which side of the glass are they on? I need some geography. Since you mentioned a dome earlier, I was thinking she was under a dome, but now it sounds like she's outdoors? I think it's really important you establish the reader in the scene - these sort of questions are a definite turn-off.

"Yevai towideer," said the man, who had his back to Umrae.

What language was that? And why weren’t they speaking Andolen? Mouthing his words, Umrae frowned. It reminded her of the vae language. One of her favourite children’s books had been an old book of vae tales and some of the text had been written in vae. Of course no one could understand or speak it... except the vae that was.And about here, sorry Lauren, I'd put it down. Nothing has happened. I don't have a clue why this story matters? I know nothing about Umrae, and have no reason to care about her. Either the world has to grab me, or the character - here neither are because I don't understand what the stakes are, or what the story is about.

"Varais," shouted the man. He grabbed the woman's shoulder and pulled her arm out of the shield, just before the sun's rays hit it. Its hard, glassy surface, glinted in the light. The woman was lucky.

The woman whipped around and disappeared down the well-trodden path away from the shield. Umrae recognised the woman; her name was Highta. Not that she'd ever spoken to her.

The man turned. Umrae ducked lower beneath the leaves as he scanned the bushes where she hid. She knew this man too, it was Councillor Komen. Umrae's face flushed with anger. She'd told the council three years ago that the shield was failing, and no one had believed her. And yet here was a councillor fully aware of the holes now appearing in its surface. A sudden cold washed over her. A shield built to protect her people from the vae; the Morth de Vae. She studied Komen's chiselled, handsome face. Could this man be vae? In her picture book the vae looked human. But the vae were supposedly cursed by demons, all ugly and deformed. They were also supposed to be outside the shield not in it.

The man took a step towards her, Umrae held her breath. He paused squinting at the vegetation, then turned on his heel and left. She let out a long sigh. She rubbed her head in confusion, she needed to think.

She waited until the sun was higher in the sky before following the two down the track home.



The ending was a little more engaging and raised some questions but I think you're both coming at it too quickly and too slowly:

quickly in that you're dumping us in the world without context or description and sort of hoping we'll keep it

and slowly in the sense that nothing is happening.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I think there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the scene, actually, if you could get it a bit pacier and show the stakes. I think this might be less about selecting a scene to start the book as selecting what you want us to care about. If it's Umrae, we need to be much, much closer to her (have you tried writing it in first) if the world, we need some reason to care about why it's in danger and, usually, those reasons like with the people again.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Bearing in mind I don't have a fraction of the skill or experience of the folks above, I'm still going to stick my neck out here and say I like it.

I didn't like the first paragraph much, and I agree you should name her a little earlier, but other than that it read well for me and held me. I found myself intrigued and definitely wanted to read more. The whole concept of the dome, the holes and the slightly dodgy Councillor appealed. Please keep going.

 

[The Judge]

A problem I had with the first few paragraphs is that I didn't know why she was doing this, and there was a consequent lack of emotional engagement. The "stopped her leaving" made me think she wanted to leave, so I'd have expected to find out why she wanted to go, eg to escape, eg to have adventure, eg just because she's curious, but there's nothing, only a rhetorical question which sounded very unlikely and info-dumpy to my ears (and which personally I'd remove -- she's been doing this for 3 years, so why is she asking questions of it now?) and then a sigh, which sounded as if she were bored. I think you need to establish at once why she is trying to poke holes in the shield, and what she feels about it. Having read on, I'm guessing she's anxious that the shield might be failing, so shove that into the first paras -- eg relief she can't find any holes, which means it's holding, or frustration because she can't find the evidence to prove to everyone that they're in danger; then when she does find one, show us what she's feeling there. We need to know more about her -- not what she looks like, but what she thinks and feels.

Re popping her head through -- do we need to know now what's on the other side of the dome? If not, I think I'd leave this for another time as it's not really pushing the story forward.

After she moves away and sees the other people it all felt very rushed to me, but without actually reading fast, which makes no sense at all, I know. Let's see if I can explain. To me, it's a bit like the written equivalent of a person who talks a lot and very quickly, but who actually doesn't have anything to say, so it's as if time slows down while you're listening politely and you're thinking to yourself "Just cut to the chase." Which isn't to say it's boring, but it's just not engaging my attention enough to make me read quickly to find out what happens.

I think it would help if you did cut to the chase. And in that light, you need to work out what the chase is -- ie what's the point of the scene. Then look at every sentence and ask yourself whether it's necessary for plot, world-building or characterisation. If it doesn't fulfil at least one of those (and preferably at least two) you should ask serious questions as to why it's there.

I won't do a nit-pick, but there is some punctuation which needs fixing, and a bugbear of mine -- "dove" is best left as a bird; "dived" is the better use here.

As a matter of interest, is the story YA?

 

[lauren$77]

Thanks all for looking and commenting on this for me. I've rewritten and changed this first scene so many times I've lost count. Truthfully I've probably written better beginnings for this, sometimes I wonder if I should return to the very first one!

Anyway thanks Phyrebrat, I like your idea of drip feeding the facts over a longer period of time, and your other ideas of showing its a dome as opposed to telling it.

Thanks IBrian - I will have a think about how to raise the stakes in this and snare people's interest.

Thanks again Springs - I know I have tried writing previous versions of this first chapter in first person - perhaps I'll try it again. I think getting it pacier and showing the stakes would definitely help.

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi,
I liked this as it is but have to agree that there is something missing though I beg to differ a bit.
In this instance I was struck by an image that should have stricken you whilst writing.

Picture a guillotine set within a wall like a doorway with a remote unseen timer that will release the blade at some indeterminate moment. The only way you can see on the other side is to thrust your head through the opening and hope the timer doesn't release the blade because this is not a magic trick or a game and when the blade falls there won't be time or another chance there will only be swift death.

That's just what your character did.

Imagine those stakes and determine if what is beyond is worth that. What would make you take that risk because right now your character is too blase about this.

Once you get the feel for how this would effect you try to put it down into words and situate that dilemma in the first paragraph with as much emotion as you can show and you might have a better beginning.

Otherwise you write quite well.

 

[SleepyDormouse]

I liked it too and found the idea interesting. oh, and I've lost count of how many times I've re-written the start of my WIP!

I agree the first paragraph needs work. Character name in first sentence if possible and tell us what the shield is, rather than isn't. Add more of a sense of why its so important to see outside the shield. Is she frightened because the shield is failing and wonders what is out there that needs keeping out? That would make me even less keen to stick my head through the gap! Is it the first time she has tried putting something through? Wouldn't she put something like a stick through first, rather than her hand to check it was safe (ish). Also, if the shield becomes solid with daylight wouldn't she make a careful observation of how long before the sun reached the part she was about to stick her head through? You said that the hole was low down, I had imagined it near the ground, but don't describe her crouching or dropping to the ground to stick her head through.

I get the feel that the most important element you are tying to show is that the shield is failing, and Umrae is worried. So try and bring this closer to the start. Has she been monitoring it herself since discovering it three years ago, when no one listened. Has it taken her three years to dare putting her finger/hand/head through a gap.

Sorry, I'm waffling a bit, but try placing yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel. Getting close to and caring the character and how they will solve the dilemma is one of the key things to keep you reading.

 

[jastius]

i agree you need to amplify the tension of the beginning. set up your conflicts and risk immediantly..
reading this over i wasput in mind of sigmund freud's treatise upon totems and taboos. the instilation of a taboo from the idealization of a totem as a catch all to allieviate a potentially dangerous situation by ingraining its prevention as a social necessity..
it seems to me that the shield is being used in such a manor.

anyways if the activity is interdicted that she is engaged within, perhaps that would make a start at tension building... something along the lines of..

The night shielded her crime in anonymity from the watchers in the village. Dancing at the edge of her world, in this unsanctioned zone, she felt again for that yielding upon the armor of her world. She felt along its roundness in the shadows of the night, hoping for and dreading that there may be a way...out. Feverishly she dug, racing against the dawn, intent upon this act that could destroy her world's only protection. But it was failing already. If only she could see outside.

smaltchzy i know but you see what i mean? then if you add the bits you have in it gives her activites perspective.
give the countdown early on.. like

with a shiver of fear she watched the sparkle of sun upon the shield

or something.
anyways, i thought it to be very classic scifi in tone. nicely written, but as the others have suggested, classic sci fi is character driven.
very nice piece, overall. just needs a bit of frosting on top.

 

[HareBrain]

I've just got round to reading this, and I agree with a lot of the points raised by others. There's a lot of potential here but you sometimes sabotage interest in it, for example by telling us what the shield is not, and by painting the place outside as barren and devoid of interest -- in the latter case, I'd either her have be interested in it despite its nature, or delay her putting her head through. (If you depict her as being easily bored, we lose our engagement with her as a character.)

I think you also need to work out why you're starting the story now. It seems at first to be because this is the first time she puts her head through, but then it seems to be because she spots the councillor. I don't think you should have two first-time things happening together, unless they're linked, which they're not. There doesn't seem to be any particular reason why today is the first time she's put her head through, and she doesn't discover anything particularly interesting when she does, so I would lose that. The mystery of what's outside the shield could serve you well to keep reader interest going.

I think too that although we don't need to know the history of the dome yet, you need to think how it affects her perception of the world. For example, the sun: I'm guessing from what you've written that they never actually see it, as it's always behind the dome. So how do they think of it? And how much light actually gets through it? Enough for plants to grow? How, if it doesn't let them see through it?

 

[lauren$77]

Thanks everybody - this is amazing stuff!

Kerry - your comments are very kind and positive, propelling to rewrite something stronger and much better;

Tinkerdan - I agree there needs to be more tension and I really like the idea of the guillotine as a way to achieve that, thanks;

Sleepdormouse - you posed lots of questions I haven't given thought to and you're definitely right I need to bring it closer to my MC;

Jastius - your magical description made me smile, I hadn't thought of it as classic sci-fi before ;

Harebrain - your suggestion that I shouldn't have two first time things unless linked isn't something I'd even thought of, thanks. Today is meant to be the shortest day of the year for my MC, hence the shield is weaker due to lower sunlight levels - again I didn't make this clear. And yes I need to give more thought to how one would see the sun through an opaque shield... I have lots of resolving to do

I will rewrite this - and hopefully repost, thanks again.

 

[Bowler1]

Technically good writing but your set up and presentation need work. This section is really slow. I got the idea early on and yet I still had to read on through more with very little happening. This is the problem for me - you’re not looking at what you do with a critical eye. Is this good (technically yes), is this entertaining (not really) and does every section advance the plot (yes, but a snail slow pace). Having a character on their own is always a problem as internal thoughts can drag and it takes a lot of skill to make single character actions shine. I try and avoid these lone characters where ever possible and bring some mates into the scene, this always fixes pace issues quickly. If you had two characters here, one could be adventurous and the other cautious etc. etc.
Having a character with a lack of interest does make me wonder why I should show interest in what your character is doing.
Lots of very good stuff here, so keep at it.

 

[Dan Jones]

I agree with @springs in his post above inasmuch as you need to have a punchier opening, and especially the first sentence. In the very first sentence I'd like to see something memorable, something happening, something that gives us a picture. That first sentence has to be punchy, bam, baby!

OK, so I like the concept and there's definitely the seed of an idea in there but it's buried under a little too much exposition, and exposition which isn't even seemingly very absolute - what I mean is there is a little too much vagueness; is it a shield, is it not a shield; is it a threat, is it not a threat; should she stick her head through, should she not stick her head through, etc etc.

A couple of posters have said give us the stakes but, pace, I don't think you necessarily have to do this. What you could do instead is give us Umrae's motivations for her actions. Give us a little more of Umrae's own feelings and character, even in this short period. Is she apprehensive, afraid, ballsy, desperate, or just plain bored?

Couple of technical notes: grammatically it needs to be tightened up - learn to use semicolons better to break up sentences more evenly. Some of your proper nouns are inconsistent with respect to being capitalised, such as vae, shield, the cursed (is this is a proper noun? Sounds like it is). The sentances probably could be tightened up in places; couple of examples:

Once the light of the rising sun hit the shield fully, it would regenerate and be hard like glass. Could read better as: once the rising sunlight hit the shield, it would harden like glass. And: The world outside was all bare earth with a few rocks, a flat landscape devoid of any life. Coul d read better as: "Outside lay a flat, rocky landscape devoid of life save for a few rocks." Generic descriptors such as "any" or "all" in this instance add pretty much nothing, so best to remove 'em.

Like I said, the idea is potentially pretty exciting, and with a few drafts I'm sure would read very nicely.

EDIT: just remembered. If you want to describe the Shield before Umrae sticks her head through, why not do it through some dialogue with a second character on the 'inside' of the Shield? I find it's a better, more flowing way to do exposition and background. It would also reveal some of her motivations for sticking her head through the shield.