A different WIP Prologue, around 1,400 words

[The Judge]

Kerry -- the second part you added to this thread, I've hived off, together with the replies, to a thread of its own http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/549195-part-2-a.html

The limit for Critique threads is 1500 words, and although revised versions of the original can go in the same thread, providing the revised version is itself within the 1500, any additional material has to come within the total (ie a first piece of 750 can have another piece of 750 added to it). Your additional bit was, obviously far too long -- and in fact was itself well over 1500 words so I've had to edit it down -- which is why I've moved it. I've given it the uninspiring title of Part 2, so if you'd like that changed let me know.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Oops, sorry. Thank you for your tolerance. I'm ashamed to confess that Springs might have mentioned the 1500 word limit to me but until I saw this I had forgotten all about it. I'll be very careful to keep within the rules from now on and I feel bad that it needed pointing out to me.

 

[The Judge]

No worries! And sorry the new title is so unimaginative!

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I really don't know what to say about this.


I think it could work, but honestly, Niamhin is just a bit too passive. If she really was worried about what would happen, she would be more active in trying to dissuade Emma from going any further. From the thought processes she has, she is worried about it, but her actions-or lack thereof-say otherwise. I would more imagine her voice becoming more shrill and whiny, panicking, trying to pull Emma away by the arm, maybe even making threats about leaving Emma behind and start to walk away, if not run.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Thanks Karn. I'm deep into a full rewrite of this one atm, so I hope I'm giving poor old Niamhín a stronger voice this time around.

Boy, it's a steep learning curve!