A fight scene - 1300 words.

[barrett1987]

Started a tiny bit before the fight for a bit of context. I want people to read it and say is it exciting. This is a fight from the main pov. Is there danger/excitement. Do you feel his pain? Do you worry for him a little?
Always willing to take grammar suggestions.
Always looking for input.
Does the fight grip you?
Thanks guys. Enjoy!

-------------------------
“We’ve pledged to bring him back... or die trying.”

Stranger’s heart sank at the finality of their words. These men were ready to die He understood it. They would rather die as men than live with the shame of breaking their word.

The white clad men moved apart, gripping their axes in ready stances. He eyed their sure steps and easy movements. For big men they had a grace that hinted at speed. Stranger glanced at the rising smoke in the distance. If I shoot, the General will be on us in minutes. Stranger forced out a laugh, cold and harsh then sheathed his pistols.

“No one needs to die. We’ll settle this the old fashioned way. Two on two with fists.”

The men cocked their heads and frowned. Except for the ear they were perfect mirrors of one another.

“Why?” one asked, eyeing the pistols on Stranger’s hips.

“I respect a man unwilling to break his word.” Stranger clenched his hands into fists, smiling at the loud cracks. “Besides, I’ll win.”

“Very well, no one dies.”

Stranger stepped back, pulling Wyn with him.

“What’s the plan?” the kid whispered.

Stranger glanced at the guards, who were moving through a series of long sweeps with their axes, warming their bodies for the fight to come. The symmetry of their movements left him in no doubt. Blood brothers. He cursed softly. One soul, two bodies. A fist fight with two men was bad enough but if they were linked then it became impossible.

“I’m going to drop my guns. If this goes bad, shoot the sons of bitches then ride south as fast as you can.” Stranger stared the kid in the eye. “Don’t head towards that farm.”

“But I don’t know how to shoot!” Wyn said.

“Point at what you want to die then pull the trigger. It’s as easy as that,”
Stranger said. Too easy sometimes. He drew his guns and placed them on the ground. “Remember, stay back and be ready to run.”

“I could help fight,” Wyn said, knife still clenched in his hand.

“I know you could,” Stranger said, ruffling his hair and stepping forward. “But these are soul brothers. They will know what the other is doing as it’s happening. Fighting them will be like fighting one man with four arms. I’ll need room to move. A mistake, no matter how small, and it’ll be over.”

Stranger looked across the clearing and gave his neck a twist, feeling it click. “You boys ready?”

The men wedged their axes into the ground. “We have your word you won’t use the guns?”

“You have my word.”

The two men smiled, stepping forward and bowed.

The moment their eyes were off him, Stranger dropped to a knee, yanking the dagger from his boot. The earless man’s eyes widened as the thrown blade took his brother in the throat. Sorry partner, I made a vow too. The stabbed man fell back, hands reaching to his throat. A vow to my wife. With a roar of pure pain, the earless guard charged.

Stranger leapt to meet him and both went down with a heavy thud. The guard’s arms whipped out, wrapping him in a bear hug. Stranger’s ribs creaked as the arms squeezed and lances of sharp pain pierced his body. Every stamp and kick from the last few days came flooding back. Stranger would have cried out if he had the air to do it. The guard grunted and the arms tightened. Stranger snapped his head down - Once. Twice. Three times the charm – and the guard’s nose exploded. Blood went everywhere and the arms loosened. Stranger rolled away, gasping for breath.

Stranger struggled to his knees, sucking in a large lungful of air. He could taste the blood in his mouth, mixed with sweat and saliva, and spat to one side. A faint greyness crept at the edge of his eyes and as he stared down into the spreading pool of blood beneath him.

“Watch out!” Wyn screamed.

The guard’s boot took him in the side and sent him flying through the air. He hit the ground hard and the world spun. Something cracked inside. He’d heard it. More though, he’d felt it. Holding his side, he gritted his teeth and struggled to find his feet.

The guard stomped towards him, only pausing long enough to wrench his axe from the ground. A smile, ugly and full of hate, twisted his face. “For my brother.”

The axe blurred through the air, a silver flash in the moonlight. Stranger threw himself to the side and felt the whisk of the axe slash through where he’d been. The guard grunted and swung again. Stranger rolled, the axe biting nothing but dirt. The guard slammed it down again. Stranger kept rolling, the axe always a second behind. With the last of his flagging strength, Stranger kicked out, catching the guard’s ankle and sending him stumbling past.

Stranger scrambled to his feet, sharp pains in his side dogging his every movement, and backed away. The guard staggered towards him, dragging the axe behind. That was the problem with those big showy weapons. After a few minutes, they became big heavy weapons.

Wyn stepped forward, the pistol in a shaky two-handed grip.

“No! Don’t!” Stranger shouted.

He didn’t have time for more. The axe was coming again. This time he ducked, letting it sail over his head. The guard brought his knee up and only the luckiest of twists to Stranger’s body kept the full force from knocking him out. Even so, his teeth rattled and he fell back, spitting blood.

I’m losing. Stranger began to circle, his steps scuffing the dirt. The guard’s face was a mask of concentration. Whatever tiredness he felt didn’t show. I’m going to die. The guard stepped forward, axed raised. I can’t die here. Marissa needs me!

With a roar, Stranger thrust his hand into the guard’s chest, creating some space, then whipped out a kick. The guard ducked the high foot but failed to see the following punch. It caught him square on the jaw and the guard stumbled, dropping the axe. Stranger snarled and slammed his knee between his opponent’s legs. The guard seized and toppled forward. Both men stumbled back, locked against each other. Without thinking, Stranger bit down on the guard’s remaining ear and with a savage yank, the ear tore free.

Stranger stepped back, spitting flesh and blood from his mouth and let out a roar. The guard, fell to the floor, his hand clamped to the side of his head. Mouth gritted against the pain, the guard looked up at Stranger with hatred in his eyes.

“Submit!” Stranger roared, his body shaking.

“Never, you honourless dog!”

Stranger brought his booted foot down on the guard’s face. “Submit!” he shouted again.

The guard gurgled something. Stranger didn’t care. His pulse pounded in his ears and he gave in to the fury, slamming his foot, over and over, into the guard’s face. The skull caved and still he didn’t stop. His foot grew numb but still he stamped.

Hands pulled at him and he spun, fists raised. Wyn fell back, eyes wide.
“It’s me, Wyn. It’s over. You won.”

Stranger’s chest rose and fell in big heaves and the rage vanished, leaving him tired and weak. He gazed around the clearing not quite recognizing it. Has the world always been this pale? He looked down at the mush that had once been a man’s skull and felt vomit rise. What have I done? The blood was everywhere. His hands dripped with it, his boots covered in brains and bone. He stumbled towards the treeline, trying to ignore the squelch his boots made with every step.

Sinking to his knees, he stared into the trees in the direction of Nobles Holler. Wyn’s words on honour and monsters floated around his mind. The look the guard had given him just before he’d lost himself. His head drooped. Marissa… What have I done?

 

[Toby Frost]

A few points off the top of my head. I should add that I think your writing is technically pretty good. There's almost nothing in there that made me think "That's wrong", which I think about three times per sentence when I read what I've done. Anyhow...

1) I don't get "settling this with fists". Does this ever really happen among sober people? I suppose that it does, but handbones are fairly easy to damage. It's good to see that they don't spend the entire scene socking one another in the face with no effect, as happens in films. However, I don't see why they would agree to do this so readily. Surely it's like asking a policeman to fight you when he tells you that you're under arrest?

2) I have no sympathy for Stranger in this scene. None at all. He breaks a promise, kills an unarmed man, then stamps on another guy's head. He comes across as an a-hole who deserves whatever they do to him, even in a grimdark setting. When he gets all sad at the end after hulking out, I don't really care.

3) There's not much sense that he's in danger because: (i) he controls the way the fight works by setting out the terms; (ii) he has backup in the form of Wyn; (iii) his thoughts are of regret that he'll kill these men rather than fear that they'll kill him; and (iv) he smiles as he cracks his knuckles. Even if I didn't know already that he's a Man With No Name sort of guy*, I'd assume that he was going to win, possibly because the author wouldn't let him lose.

4) Personally, if I was going to fight a guy, I'd keep hold of the axe. Also, if it's big enough to become heavy, then it might well be too big to throw. Or at least, that's how I'm imagining it. Also, I'm not sure I'd bear-hug him unless there was someone else to hit him while he was pinioned.

I haven't read the actual fighting in enough detail to figure out whether it's all credible, and there are probably people better placed than me to do that. I hope this doesn't sound too negative, because the writing itself is good.


* In fairness, the Man With No Name does lose fights and (always a good sign in that sort of story) looks pretty foolish at times. For a man who communicates in snarls, he's actually quite vulnerable.

 

[barrett1987]

Thanks for taking the time Toby

Slight context, he can't use the guns because the General and his men are nearby. He's forced to talk them into a fist fight. They agree because they expected to just get shot down. But your right. Needs work!

The men wedged their axes into the ground. “We have your word you won’t use the guns?”

“You have my word.”

I was trying for the he is dishonest but technically doesn;t break his word because he uses the dagger in his boot.

I'll work on it. But REALLY interesting to read your opinion just then. Thank you so much./

 

[tinkerdan]

I have to agree in part to the idea of giving Stranger a few bruises first. For different reasons.

The knife in the throat is unsettling in that it does lack a certain honor in that it's a deception by omission that I guess only you would know if Stranger has a habit of that.

I'm thinking if there is anyway that you could get the fight underway to where we can see that these two brutes with the advantage are going to double team him and try to make short work; then there might be sympathy and danger all in one neat little package and since Wyn is going to pick up the gun anyway, we should teach him early to not draw unless he's prepared to use it; which means somewhere along the line there will be gunfire. I know; waste of ammo in a world where ammo is like gold. But I think that with the potential for damage to Stranger and possibly having Wyn thrown back a bit as he misses might be the surprise that is needed to allow Stranger to pull his knife and slice one throat.

You could also add to that by having the one who gets sliced draw a knife also, which creates more tension and gives our hero a reason to draw his own once he gets the chance.

 

[barrett1987]

I'm going to watch A Fistful of Dollars. I've never seen the Clint Eastwood Dollars trilogy but if Stranger's that kind of character i better watch some of the movies so i don't make him too similar.

Tinkerdan,

I like the idea that the knife to the throat is unsettling. Grey characters. How far will he go to get his wife back? A few chapters early involved him arguing with Wyn on this very point. If he becomes a monster, will she even want him back? Will he want her?

In an upcoming scene, Stranger will start to teach Wyn how to shoot, wyn is going to be a terrible shot. In this scene though, the gun's can't be fired. It would change the General's path too much. The general is about a mile away, camped at a farmstead. He needs to pass this area by and go to the city. Gunshots would draw him over. Just can't happen. I need the general in the city to 1) kill sammy, pushing Jerrod over the edge. 2) pick up Caleb, another guy with a grudge from Stranger's visit 3) Allow Jerrod to meet the girl strnger saved fromt he steward's keep earlier in the book so that I have a plot for Jerrod in book 2.

At the start of the book, throwing the knife would never be considered by Stranger. Now though, he does it. By the end of the book he'll have slipped further. Its his arc.

Stranger's Descent. See!

 

[john11]

I did like it in an overall sense but did seem a little dragged out,

The point made about hands being easy to break, it all depends on how much conditioning work Stranger may have done i've been hitting a punchbag for years and my hands have become leathery tough perhaps Stranger may have a hidden confidence.

However, i did like the knife bit shows what Stranger is prepared to do to win, added a little surprise as well and showed previously undisclosed depths to the character perhaps, if you so wish, you could make the bad guys cheats as well so it seems like a level playing field -just a thought.

Fights are never fair, especially if you are going to die, a life preserving sense/fear and mindset would take over and also with so much at stake most people would do just about anything to win.

The ear biting is good, in a fight you should always go for the sensitive body parts perhaps Stranger knows this some eye gouging could be thrown in it all depends on Stranger's fighting experience.

I do have to disagree with the fight's outcome being predictable as this is true of all protagonists and all books, perhaps you could have a twist to spice things up like Stranger is about to die so Wyn steps in with the axe, i very much doubt she is going to stand around and watch Stranger bite the dust there must be some loyalty between them at least it would be very unnatural. Or what if a disturbed rattlesnake slithered forward fangs dripping with poison not too sure about this but something to break up the rather obvious flow of events.

Okay, i did like it, the fight scene itself needs work didn't come across as good as it could have


​

 

[Bowler1]

“We’ve pledged to bring him back... or die trying.”

Stranger’s heart sank at the finality of their words. These men were ready to die. He understood it. They would rather die as men than live with the shame of breaking their word.

The white clad men moved apart, gripping their axes in ready stances. He eyed their sure steps and easy movements. For big men they had a grace that hinted at speed. Stranger glanced at the rising smoke in the distance. If I shoot, the General will be on us in minutes. Stranger forced out a laugh, cold and harsh then sheathed his pistols.

“No one needs to die. We’ll settle this the old fashioned way. Two on two with fists.”

The men cocked their heads and frowned. Except for the ear they were perfect mirrors of one another.

“Why?” one asked, eyeing the pistols on Stranger’s hips.

“I respect a man unwilling to break his word.” Stranger clenched his hands into fists, smiling at the loud cracks. “Besides, I’ll win.”

“Very well, no one dies.”

Stranger stepped back, pulling Wyn with him.

“What’s the plan?” the kid whispered.

Stranger glanced at the guards, who were moving through a series of long sweeps with their axes, warming their bodies for the fight to come. The symmetry of their movements left him in no doubt. Blood brothers. He cursed softly. One soul, two bodies. A fist fight with two men was bad enough, but if they were linked then it became impossible.

“I’m going to drop my guns. If this goes bad, shoot the sons of bitches then ride south as fast as you can.” Stranger stared the kid in the eye. “Don’t head towards that farm.”

“But I don’t know how to shoot!” Wyn said.

“Point at what you want to die then pull the trigger. It’s as easy as that,”
Stranger said. – not needed this time Too easy sometimes. Stranger/He drew his guns and placed them on the ground. “Remember, stay back and be ready to run.”

Wyn clenched a knife in his hand, “I could help fight.” – actions first to explain the offer and also gets rid of a repeating speech tag.

“I know you could.” Stranger (when using said it’s hard to avoid “ings”, but skip the speech tag and it’s easier to use “ed”, which I think can be more immediate. It also breaks up the predictability in your writing, which is no bad thing.) ruffled his hair and stepped forward. “But these are soul brothers. They will know what the other is doing as it’s happening. Fighting them will be like fighting one man with four arms. I’ll need room to move. A mistake, no matter how small, and it’ll be over.” – This speech felt too long and was a repeat.

Stranger looked across the clearing and gave his neck a twist, feeling it click. “You boys ready?”

The men wedged their axes into the ground. “We have your word you won’t use the guns?”

“You have my word.”

The two men smiled, stepped/ing - optional forward and bowed – but ed here, so feels better I think.

The moment their eyes were off him, Stranger dropped to a knee, yanking the dagger from his boot. The earless man’s eyes widened as the thrown blade took his brother in the throat. Sorry partner, I made a vow too. The stabbed man fell back, hands reaching to his throat. A vow to my wife. With a roar of pure pain, the earless guard charged.

Stranger leapt to meet him and both went down with a heavy thud. The guard’s arms whipped out and wrapped (keeps the same tense here) him in a bear hug. Stranger’s ribs creaked as the arms squeezed and lances of sharp pain pierced his body. Every stamp and kick from the last few days came flooding back. Stranger would have cried out if he had the air to do it. The guard grunted and the arms tightened. Stranger snapped his head down - Once. Twice. Three times the charm – and the guard’s nose exploded. Blood went everywhere and the arms loosened. Stranger rolled away, gasping for breath.

Stranger struggled to his knees, sucking in a large lungful of air. He could taste the blood in his mouth, mixed with sweat and saliva, and spat to one side. A faint greyness crept at the edge of his eyes and as he stared down into the spreading pool of blood beneath him.

“Watch out!” Wyn screamed.

The guard’s boot took him in the side and sent him flying through the air. He hit the ground hard and the world spun. Something cracked inside. He’d heard it. More though, he’d felt it. Holding his side, he gritted his teeth and struggled to find his feet.

The guard stomped towards him, only pausing long enough to wrench his axe from the ground. A smile, ugly and full of hate, twisted his face. “For my brother.”

The axe blurred through the air, a silver flash in the moonlight. Stranger threw himself to the side and felt the whisk – is what you beat eggs with. Pulled me out of a very good section, but it could just be me of the axe slash through where he’d been. The guard grunted and swung again. Stranger rolled, the axe biting nothing but dirt. The guard slammed it down again. Stranger kept rolling, the axe always a second behind. With the last of his flagging strength, Stranger kicked out, catching the guard’s ankle and sending him stumbling past.

Stranger scrambled to his feet, sharp pains in his side dogging his every movement, and backed away. The guard staggered towards him, dragging the axe behind. That was the problem with those big showy weapons. After a few minutes, they became big heavy weapons.

Wyn stepped forward, the pistol in a shaky two-handed grip.

“No! Don’t!” Stranger shouted.

He didn’t have time for more. The axe was coming again. This time he ducked, letting it sail over his head. The guard brought his knee up and only the luckiest of twists to Stranger’s body kept the full force from knocking him out. Even so, his teeth rattled and he fell back, spitting blood. – I suspect too many actions here and I lost my belief a little.

I’m losing. Stranger began to circle, his steps scuffing the dirt. The guard’s face was a mask of concentration. Whatever tiredness he felt didn’t show. I’m going to die. The guard stepped forward, axed raised. I can’t die here. Marissa needs me! – Getting on a bit now.

With a roar, Stranger thrust his hand into the guard’s chest, creating some space, then whipped out a kick. The guard ducked the high foot but failed to see the following punch. It caught him square on the jaw and the guard stumbled, dropping the axe. Stranger snarled and slammed his knee between his opponent’s legs. The guard seized and toppled forward. Both men stumbled back, locked against each other. Without thinking, Stranger bit down on the guard’s remaining ear and with a savage yank, the ear tore free. – Nice in a grim way, but my tolerance for the fight is waning.

Stranger stepped back, spitting flesh and blood from his mouth and let out a roar. The guard no comma I’d say fell to the floor, his – not needed hand clamped to the side of his head. Mouth gritted against the pain, the guard looked up at Stranger with hatred in his eyes.

“Submit!” Stranger roared, his body shaking.

“Never, you honourless dog!”

Stranger brought his booted foot down on the guard’s face. “Submit!” he shouted again.

The guard gurgled something. Stranger didn’t care. His pulse pounded in his ears and he gave in to the fury, slamming his foot, over and over, into the guard’s face. The skull caved and still he didn’t stop. His foot grew numb but still he stamped.

Hands pulled at him and he spun, fists raised. Wyn fell back, eyes wide.
“It’s me, Wyn. It’s over. You won.”

Stranger’s chest rose and fell in big heaves and the rage vanished, leaving him tired and weak. He gazed around the clearing not quite recognizing it. Had/s the world always been this pale? He looked down at the mush that had once been a man’s skull and felt vomit rise. What have I done? The blood was everywhere. His hands dripped with it, his boots covered in brains and bone. He stumbled towards the treeline, trying to ignore the squelch his boots made with every step.

Sinking to his knees, he stared into the trees in the direction of Nobles Holler. Wyn’s words on honour and monsters floated around his mind. The look the guard had given him just before he’d lost himself. His head drooped. Marissa… What have I done?

This is good stuff and on the whole there’s not much wrong here, good job. I’d like to see you do some work on your speech tags to make them less obvious, cut some out where you can. Using actions first helps this as does other little writing tricks, like the other little switch I used above. Clever editing that comes with practice and something I’m still working on myself, but should give you a nice polish to what you already have. You had nice tension and character development here, but it felt that little bit too long for me. The actions were very well handled, but did we need them all as some only added to descriptions already done. This is a balance, always hard to get right and my view only on what I’ve seen - I may not be right, but this is what I think. So tighter and even more controlled, as you are getting good control of your work, but I think you need to go another step yet. Really hard editing to cut unwanted words out that don’t add value and by doing so increase the pace in your writing, key for a good action scene. Other times you can put words back in, but this time, as it was all action, I felt words got in the way and slowed the pace.

I didn’t mind the character lying to the guards, in a real fight only one thing matters and that’s winning. Anyway, good work, keep at it.

 

[barrett1987]

Thanks Bowler, I've cut the work down in the places you felt it dragged. Namely, the long speech and the guard kneeing him in the face.

Plus thank you for the grammar edits. Always love them

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

"We’ve pledged to bring him back... or die trying.”

Stranger’s heart sank at the finality of their words. These men were ready to die. He understood it: they would rather die as men than live with the shame of breaking their word.

The white clad men moved apart, gripping their axes in ready stances. He eyed their sure steps and easy movements. For big men they had a grace that hinted at speed. Stranger glanced at the rising smoke in the distance. If I shoot, the General will be on us in minutes -maybe 'thinking if he fired a gun, the general would be on them in minutes'. Stranger forced out a laugh, cold and harsh then sheathed his pistols.

“No one needs to die. We’ll settle this the old fashioned way. Two on two with fists.”

The men cocked their heads and frowned. Except for the ear they were perfect mirrors of one another.

“Why?” one asked, eyeing the pistols on Stranger’s hips.

“I respect a man unwilling to break his word.” Stranger clenched his hands into fists, smiling at the loud cracks. “Besides, I’ll win.”

“Very well, no one dies.” because Stranger doesn't agree to this term, I think it helps him keep a few shreds of honour later!

Stranger stepped back, pulling Wyn with him.

“What’s the plan?” the kid whispered.

Stranger glanced at the guards, who were moving through a series of long sweeps with their axes, warming their bodies for the fight to come. The symmetry of their movements left him in no doubt: blood brothers. He cursed softly. One soul, two bodies. A fist fight with two men was bad enough, but if they were linked then it became impossible.

“I’m going to drop my guns. If this goes bad, shoot the sons of bitches then ride south as fast as you can.” Stranger stared the kid in the eye. “Don’t head towards that farm.”

“But I don’t know how to shoot!” Wyn said.

“Point at what you want to die then pull the trigger. It’s as easy as that,” Stranger said. Too easy sometimes. He drew his guns and placed them on the ground. I think the paragraph spaces here need juggling?

“Remember, stay back and be ready to run.”

“I could help fight,” Wyn said, knife still clenched in his hand.

“I know you could,” Stranger said, ruffling his hair and stepping forward. “But these are soul brothers. They will know what the other is doing as it’s happening. Fighting them will be like fighting one man with four arms. I’ll need room to move. A mistake, no matter how small, and it’ll be over.”

Stranger looked across the clearing and gave his neck a twist, feeling it click. “You boys ready?”

The men wedged their axes into the ground. “We have your word you won’t use the guns?”

“You have my word.” and in my opinion, he doesn't break his word, but maybe that's because I'm a callous bitch...

The two men smiled, stepping forward and bowed.

The moment their eyes were off him, Stranger dropped to a knee, yanking the dagger from his boot. The earless man’s eyes widened as the thrown blade took his brother in the throat. Sorry partner, I made a vow too. The stabbed man fell back, hands reaching to his throat. A vow to my wife. With a roar of pure pain, the earless guard charged. I wondered if single speech marks might help here, for his thoughts?

Stranger leapt to meet him and both went down with a heavy thud. The guard’s arms whipped out, wrapping him in a bear hug. Stranger’s ribs creaked as the arms squeezed and lances of sharp pain pierced his body. Every stamp and kick from the last few days came flooding back. Stranger would have cried out if he had the air to do it. i like that The guard grunted and the arms tightened. Stranger snapped his head down - Once. Twice. Three times the charm and that – and the guard’s nose exploded. Blood went everywhere and the arms loosened. Stranger rolled away, gasping for breath.

Stranger struggled to his knees, sucking in a large lungful of air. He could taste the blood in his mouth, mixed with sweat and saliva. Hespat to one side. A faint greyness crept at the edge of his eyes and delete and? as he stared down into the spreading pool of blood beneath him.

“Watch out!” Wyn screamed.

The guard’s boot took him in the side and sent him flying through the air. He hit the ground hard and the world spun. Something cracked inside. He’d heard it. More though, he’d felt it. Holding his side, he gritted his teeth and struggled to find his feet.

The guard stomped towards him, only pausing long enough to wrench his axe from the ground. A smile, ugly and full of hate, twisted his face. “For my brother.”

The axe blurred through the air, a silver flash in the moonlight. Stranger threw himself to the side and felt too many 'and's? Try 'feeling the whisk of the axe...'the whisk of the axe slash through where he’d been. The guard grunted and swung again. Stranger rolled, the axe biting nothing but dirt. The guard slammed it down again. Stranger kept rolling, the axe always a second behind. With the last of his flagging strength, Stranger kicked out, catching the guard’s ankle and another redundant 'and' sending him stumbling past.

Stranger scrambled to his feet, sharp pains in his side dogging his every movement, and backed away. The guard staggered towards him, dragging the axe behind. That was the problem with those big showy weapons. After a few minutes, they became big heavy weapons.

Wyn stepped forward, the pistol in a shaky two-handed grip.

“No! Don’t!” Stranger shouted.

He didn’t have time for more. The axe was coming again. This time he ducked, letting it sail over his head. The guard brought his knee up and only the luckiest of twists to Stranger’s body kept the full force from knocking him out. Even so, his teeth rattled and he fell back, spitting blood.

I’m losing. Stranger began to circle, his steps scuffing the dirt. The guard’s face was a mask of concentration. Whatever tiredness he felt didn’t show. I’m going to die. The guard stepped forward, axed raised. I can’t die here. Marissa needs me!

With a roar, Stranger thrust his hand into the guard’s chest, creating some space, then whipped out a kick. The guard ducked the high foot but failed to see the following punch. It caught him square on the jaw and the guard stumbled, dropping the axe. Stranger snarled and slammed his knee between his opponent’s legs. The guard seized and toppled forward. Both men stumbled back, locked against each other. Without thinking, Stranger bit down on the guard’s remaining ear and with a savage yank, the ear tore free.

Stranger stepped back, spitting flesh and blood from his mouth and let out a roar. The guard, fell to the floor, his hand clamped to the side of his head. Mouth gritted against the pain, the guard looked up at Stranger with hatred in his eyes.

“Submit!” Stranger roared, his body shaking.

“Never, you honourless dog!”

Stranger brought his booted foot down on the guard’s face. “Submit!” he shouted again.

The guard gurgled something. Stranger didn’t care. His pulse pounded in his ears and he gave in to the fury, slamming his foot, over and over, into the guard’s face. The skull caved and still he didn’t stop. His foot grew numb but still he stamped.

Hands pulled at him and he spun, fists raised. Wyn fell back, eyes wide.
“It’s me, Wyn. It’s over. You won.”

Stranger’s chest rose and fell in big heaves and the rage vanished, leaving him tired and weak. He gazed around the clearing not quite recognizing it. Has the world always been this pale? He looked down at the mush that had once been a man’s skull and felt vomit rise. What have I done? The blood was everywhere. His hands dripped with it, his boots covered in brains and bone. He stumbled towards the treeline, trying to ignore the squelch his boots made with every step.

Sinking to his knees, he stared into the trees in the direction of Nobles Holler. Wyn’s words on honour and monsters floated around his mind. The look the guard had given him just before he’d lost himself. His head drooped. Marissa… What have I done?

I really liked this. It's primal and violent, with great fight description. I found myself clenching my fists, wanting to get a swing in myself!
If I have a criticism it's the excessive use of 'and', which I think can be easily addressed and (haha) maybe some single speech marks for Stranger's thoughts?

 

[barrett1987]

Thank you Kerry, much obliged.

Toby - I watched Fistful of Dollars and enjoyed it but For a Few Dollars More kinda fell flat for me. Considering The Good, The Bad and The Ugly is the one title i recognised i'm hoping the final one will be the best.

 

[JoanDrake]

"Two on two with fists" was confusing until I realized Wyn was there. I also had to wonder why the guard didn't just pick his ax back up once Stranger used a knife. Otherwise, it is very well written, and, yes, very gripping. You write well.

 

[Darkranger85]

Hey,

Overall your story seems interesting. My one main problem is that I'm introduced to these enemies that are so imposing because they act as one. Then in the opening move one is taken down immediately.

I'd have preferred a bit of a demonstration of their abilities.

Good work though and I look forward to hearing more.