First 612 words of my novel.

[The Storyteller]

So when I first started on this site I was counting down the posts until I could put something up for critiques. Well I hit the magic number some time ago, but have never actually put anything up here yet! As such, this is my first critique, and I admit I'm a little nervous. I'd tell you to go easy on me, but what would I learn then?


This is the beginning of my novel "Mulgrin's Quest". It is meant to be a book suitable for a younger audience but hopefully still enjoyably to an older audience.


This is from my first draft, so it will be rough. I'm not worried so much about little details (grammar, punctuation, etc.) as I am about how this serves as a beginning. Is it enough to hook readers? Are the characters likable/interesting? Also, if there are things that work well and/or that you really enjoy, I'd love to know that as well!


Lastly, I would like to point out that I did here what I think I have heard called 'head-hopping', which I get the impression is bad! Personally, I have read books where narrative switches between characters within the same scene and without a 'break' to indicate it, and I've never felt this took me out of the story. In fact, I have very much liked this technique! I have used it throughout this story without even thinking about it, as it suits the narrative and tone I'm going for. I'm hoping that I'm clear enough on the switches and that they flow naturally enough that this isn't jarring for the reader, but let me know how it reads for you!


Thanks! (Sorry for the long intro up there, I really need to work on my summarizing skills!!)




Mulgrin stared sullenly out the dusty window, privately mourning the loss of a beautiful afternoon. Master Cobbin was rambling in his old, tedious voice about the very dull and, at the moment, seemingly useless qualities of water weed. More precisely, the method of properly cooking water weed, down to the last exact detail.

But Mulgrin had heard more than enough of Cobbin’s lessons. While the old wizard certainly meant well and was respectably wise and powerful, Mulgrin simply did not have the patience. Most novices his age had long since set out on their quests. Some of them had already been accepted into Wizard-Dumm! But not Mulgrin.
Now Master Cobbin was no fool. Though he prattled on in a dry, raspy voice without pause, he was well aware his young novice’s thoughts were far away. Finally, he sighed a great loud sigh—this was lost on the sullen young apprentice leaning on the windowsill, nor did the gnomeling seem to realize his master’s long discourse on water weed had ended abruptly in the middle of a sentence.

Cobbin felt for the lad. Already he had attempted a half-dozen quests, every last one a brutal and often embarrassing failure. By now the High Masters must have given up hope on him. Cobbin knew well that Mulgrin’s best chance was to study hard and try to pass the oral examination. This would take a full decade or so longer than most novices had to wait—and Cobbin found it no less appealing than did his apprentice—but it seemed the only possible way that Mulgrin would ever be accepted. It was hardly ideal, but, in extreme circumstances, they did resort to it.

Cobbin snorted unhappily into the silence. Examination. Pah! No good wizard was ever made from such boring studies as that. They needed to go out into the Wide World and experience life! Without a quest, what was any wizard? It was on the quest that they found themselves. It was how they developed and honed their skills, how they grew and learnt. Things such as these could not be taught from a book, or from a dusty old master as himself.

Suddenly tired and a little irritated with the situation, Cobbin rapped his staff sharply on the wood table. Mulgrin’s head snapped to attention, and his large brown puppy eyes filled with worry.

He had dozed off, he realized, and now Master Cobbin had that look in his eyes. That look meant trouble; more specifically, it meant he was in trouble.

“I’m sorry master. I was trying to pay attention, really,” Mulgrin hurriedly amended, sitting up straight, and putting on his most apologetic face.

His master held him down in that intimidating, tired old stare for a long time. Then finally Cobbin sighed again, and shifted position.

“You are distracted,” Cobbin stated.

“Yes master. Forgive me-”

Cobbin held up a wrinkled hand.

“Spare me. Seeing as your mind is obviously not in your studies, I suggest you take it elsewhere. Perhaps the fresh air will clear your head.”

Mulgrin’s face lit excitedly, but once again, his master cut him off before he could speak.

“But,” Cobbin continued abruptly, “I expect to have your full and utmost attention for the duration of tomorrow.”

“Oh yes, Master. I will! I promise. Thank you,” Mulgrin blurted, his face filled with excitement and the evident relief to be free of his master’s lessons.

Cobbin almost smiled at the childlike eagerness of his young novice. Almost.

Cobbin waved him away without a word, and Mulgrin quickly stopped talking and departed, leaving his master to ponder things a wizardling like him would never consider, and certainly couldn’t understand.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

I'll admit that I'm not particularly fond of this kind of sudden shifting of point of view myself, but that's a personal prejudice. If you like it, that's fine. I certainly didn't get confused.

I don't see any technical problems.

The major problem I have with this section is that it seems to tell me very little in a lot of words. Mulgrin is bored by his lessons and wants to go out on a successful quest. Cobbin understands his feelings. That pretty much sums up what I got out of this.

(A secondary problem I have that others might not have is that a certain very famous series of books have made the "wizard school" concept extremely familiar. Some might react by saying "Oh, no, here we go again." On the other hand, that might be a marketing advantage. There's no shortage of vampire romance novels around.)

The few details you give us that tell us this is a fantasy world -- words like "gnomeling" -- tell us very little. By way of contrast, something like "dusty window," as simple as it is, gives me a really feeling for the setting. You need a lot more of this kind of sensory detail. (Consider something like "beautiful afternoon" which is much more vague. Beautiful in what way? Sunny and warm? Or a good, strong wind, perfect for flying kites? Or, since we're in a fantasy world, is the sky full of miniature dragons, shining like polished gems, ready to play hide and seek? Details!)

I would like to hear something of the lecture on water weed. Make us hear the droning voice, feel the stuffy air in the room, even smell the peculiar aroma of water weed cooking in a cauldron.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's not bad, but think carefully about what you're trying to achieve with this scene. If possible, think about use of conflict - what does Mulgrin want right now? What stops him?

Also, it would be very recommended to read some books on writing - they can't teach someone to write, but they do help someone understand how to best use the tools of the writer. If you don't know much about POV use, then this would definitely be recommended - I can personally attest that trying to write while ignorant of the tools can result in a lot of rewriting later!

As for the piece - you could probably tighten it up in quite a few places, for example, the opening:

Master Cobbin was rambling in his old, tedious voice about the very dull and, at the moment, seemingly useless qualities of water weed. More precisely, the method of properly cooking water weed, down to the last exact detail.

It's probably enough to use one of "rambling", "tedious" or "dull" as otherwise you're being repetitive. Give the reader some credit for understanding the other two adjectives are likely to apply!

Also, won't this be about "useful" rather than "useless" properties?

But Mulgrin had heard more than enough of Cobbin’s lessons. While the old wizard certainly meant well and was respectably wise and powerful, Mulgrin simply did not have the patience.

Both these sentences pretty much say the same thing to me. Be concise and to the point and the text will read better. For example, removing either one of the sentences above does not remove any meaning from the text.

Now Master Cobbin was no fool.

When using omniscient POV - as you are here - it is best used to set up conflict. You're touching on it here, but you don't really develop it. For the gold-standard on omniscient POV, consider reading Dune by Frank Herbert, especially the early chapters - you only see a character's thoughts there were they are in opposition to another character's thoughts. Just in case it helps - though too many writers use omniscient but don't push conflict.

Though he prattled on in a dry, raspy voice without pause

This seems more like Mugrin's perception rather than Cobbin's.

That look meant trouble; more specifically, it meant he was in trouble.

Feels a little repetitive here.

And the dialogue that follows - to me - lacks pace and clarity.

At the end of it we seem to slip into Cobbin and stay there - so we never really seem sure of why Mulgrin is tired, has trouble following this, and what his desires, aspirations, regrets etc might be - which might otherwise help push the story forward.

The danger is - at this point - that you're not going very far very fast. You establish a student-teacher relationship, and that one - for some reason not yet explained - is happy to leave studies he otherwise found boring.

With any age group, it would help to be more concise, but for younger readers IMO you need to be especially concise to retain attention.

So, my opinion is that while there's nothing wrong in terms of putting words together, it would help to be more aware of your structure, aims, and conflicts, to help push these characters to the fore.

Also, a general note - I always warn writers here about opening with anything that invites the reader to feel boredom, because that invites them also to put the book down. Surely there's something Mulgrin would really like to do instead? Such as? Something we can empathise and sympathise with? And what about Cobbin? Has he seen all this before? Does it result in failure and wastrels? Explore what your characters expect to achieve.

Simply my personal opinion, though.

 

[JonH]

I don't think head hopping is bad, so much as difficult (to do well) and unfashionable. It's one of the third person omniscient styles I've never tried myself (so bear that in mind when reading this crit). The only advice I can remember reading about it is, like with dialogue, always start a new head with a new paragraph.

The first switch over wasn't brilliant. I think you could try differentiating by name and see if that works. For example Cobbin in his own head can be Cobbin and in Mulgrin's, Master Cobbin.

The thoughts and feelings seem to clash between exposition in the fourth paragraph and the those expressed fifth paragraph; the move from one to the other could do with smoothing.

Other than that, I thought it worked well enough. The characters are reasonably well handled. The pace might be a little slow, but I don't mind slow starts. I'd read on.

Because this is a first draft, I wouldn't worry too much about the style. You'll polish that in later drafts.

 

[George Ian]

[Now I see what you're working on!]
I'm fine with all of this but I think the younger reader would want a suggestion of the root cause of Mulgrin's distraction - throw them a couple of subtle clues about his lurking ambition - that might answer some of the 'slow' constructive comments above.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, for me it didn't work. The head-hopping stopped me getting immersed in a character, and will be a hard sell if you go for an agent - in sff/fantasy, it's very much out of vogue. But, mostly, this was all telling, and a lot of it seemed to be back story - the past failures etc. For a young readers book, especially, I think, as a start, it would struggle to hold their interest.

Sorry. There's always one...

 

[J Riff]

A bit too many descriptors, perhaps.


Mulgrin stared sullenly (sullen staring, well...) out the (dusty ) window, privately mourning (public mourning is forbidden) the loss of a beautiful afternoon. Master Cobbin was rambling (on- elst he could be walking around) in his old, tedious voice about the very dull and, at the moment, seemingly useless qualities of water weed. (old, tedious, very dull, useless, all in one sentence) More precisely, the method of properly cooking water weed, down to the last exact detail.
Head hopping fine, but not a good idea at the beginning, usually.

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi I didn't see the head-hopping as a problem to read as much as problem that may have hampered your writing.

Let me explain.

The beginning almost sounds like we might be looking at close third for Mulgrin and though it's not the strongest beginning it creates enough interest to continue.

The second paragraph becomes a bit dicey because it starts out full Mulgrin and then flips somewhere in the center into Master Cobbin. This is one thing that does jar me; when the POV Shifts mid paragraph. This was not so much a problem and I think had you proceeded to dig deeper into Master Cobbin at this point it would have carried just fine for me. What happens though is some ambiguous mid paragraph sentences cause one to wonder whose POV this is and pushes the reader into deciding were now in OMNI third POV. The remainder somehow manages to keep the reader far enough away to cement that perception.

Because we don't quite get into the head of Master Cobbin either we get the wrong impression of him or he's not a very good teacher. I get that he has some sympathy with his student but I'm left with a conflict that says he doesn't seem to agree with his own teaching method [or maybe he is following someone else method and that's where his conflict is.] The point is that since his POV seems to drive to the end maybe we should be shown more of what is going on back there that allows him to abandon his student to the call from outside.

I'm not certain that the goal is to make Master Cobbin look weak and easily swayed by the moods of his students. But that seems to be the result, which might mean you succeeded or it might mean that we need more information from his POV to justify the final decision.

Right now the only conflict seems to be between the droning prattle of the master and the call of nature outside. Yet there are crumbs that suggest that Mulgrin has tried and failed and that perhaps what the Master is doing is meant to shore up missing knowledge and since the Master seems well aware of the failures it would seem that he'd be more certain that what he has to offer is more important to Mulgrin right at that moment than anything else. So why does he give up so easily.[That's what's not clear.]

Maybe he's frustrated with the system, or with the method he has to adhere to, or the student, or his own inadequacy, but that doesn't show up here.

 

[Jinxo]

I didn't mind the head hopping too much, but it's not my preferred style. But I would agree that a new head needs a new paragraph.

I also generally agree with the points made above, so I'll not labor on about what they cover.

My main 'issue' would be that I reached the end of the text without an image forming in my head. As Victoria Silverwolf said. 'Make us hear the droning voice, feel the stuffy air in the room, even smell the peculiar aroma of water weed cooking in a cauldron.'
I like a story that paints a picture, but not just of the environment.
From this I get that Mulgrin is young and a gnomeling, and that Cobbin is old. But that's all I really learn about what they look like.
I'm certainly not suggesting long, drawn out descriptions of them, down to the finest detail.
But a little of what they and their surroundings look like could help to start build an image.

Hope that helps in some small way. I'm still new to giving critiques.

 

[Bowler1]

Technically nothing stood out for me, so good use of English, or so I think. You have great potential.

Set up however is a different thing. The head hops were not necessary in my view and could easily have been handled in close 3rd with no major problems. The long narrated opening was repeated in dialogue, which brings me to the question I think everyone should ask when writing. Simply – does this add value? For me, your narrated opening doesn’t add much value to the storyline and I felt the opening was slow and not very interesting. A more immediate opening with something of interest to hook me in is needed I think. I would be very worried with your slow pace in the opening and if I’m thinking it I suspect agents may too. The opening is your foot in the door, and it has to be the best you can do. I worry with unwarranted head hops, repeats and actually nothing happening that you may be making life difficult for yourself. As ever, only my thoughts only and as I don’t even have an agent myself, I could well be wrong.

 

[The Storyteller]

Wow guys, thanks so much! I really appreciate getting this much feedback, it helps a lot to hear so many different opinions! (Even if the opinions are largely the same, it helps to know that multiple people are thinking it instead of just one.)

So I have a lot to respond to, depending on how long this gets I may break it up into a few comments!

I'll admit that I'm not particularly fond of this kind of sudden shifting of point of view myself, but that's a personal prejudice. If you like it, that's fine. I certainly didn't get confused.

I'm glad at least that it wasn't confusing; I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm hoping that if it is done right it will either grow on people to the point they don't mind it (or dare I hope even enjoy it?) or perhaps just don't notice it.

The major problem I have with this section is that it seems to tell me very little in a lot of words. Mulgrin is bored by his lessons and wants to go out on a successful quest. Cobbin understands his feelings. That pretty much sums up what I got out of this.

This is something I find difficult, because I personally don't mind reading slow action if I feel the writing is fun or interesting, or if I like the narrative voice. But most people do not feel that way, so for me, I have to find a balance between what I like and what works for other people. (I'm thinking about a change for the beginning, but I'll go into that in a comment at the end maybe)

(A secondary problem I have that others might not have is that a certain very famous series of books have made the "wizard school" concept extremely familiar.

Well I think I'm in the clear here! My story really isn't about wizard school persay. Wizard novices are trained for a few years by a mentor, but they cannot get into Wizard-Dumm (which is not specifically a school, more like a great wizard retreat where they can live, study, meditate, practice magic, discuss important matters, etc.) until they have gone on a quest. This story is solely about the quest, and not about Wizard-Dumm at all! Not to mention, Mulgrin's use of magic is minimal to non-existent, as Wizard's don't use very much magic and are only taught it after completing their quest. So I doubt it will have much connection to this famous serious you mentioned!

The few details you give us that tell us this is a fantasy world -- words like "gnomeling" -- tell us very little. By way of contrast, something like "dusty window," as simple as it is, gives me a really feeling for the setting. You need a lot more of this kind of sensory detail.

I would like to hear something of the lecture on water weed. Make us hear the droning voice, feel the stuffy air in the room, even smell the peculiar aroma of water weed cooking in a cauldron.

I agree, I would like to give the setting some more detail so it makes a clearer picture. Unfortunately, this is already being considered a 'slow beginning' so I'll have to be careful that added information doesn't make it slower. But I am more than certain that I can write some of those details to add interest instead of making it slower, while at the same time providing a clearer picture.

Thanks Victoria, lots of great advice!

It's not bad, but think carefully about what you're trying to achieve with this scene. If possible, think about use of conflict - what does Mulgrin want right now? What stops him?

Yup, I'm getting this one a lot! I think I have an idea to add a little conflict to the beginning, which I will post in the final comment (so I can just type it out once!)

Thanks for the advice about reading books, I know the better I understand writing on this end the less work on the other!

Also, won't this be about "useful" rather than "useless" properties?

The choice of words is 'seemingly useless', which from Mulgrin's point of view it is. Which is one of his problems; the only thing he really takes to heart is legends and stories of heroes, but any practical information he thinks is 'useless' or unimportant, or simply boring. This causes him problems later in the story, as it turns out he knows nothing about anything because he so rarely paid attention, and the things he thought would be useless turn out to not be!

With the POV remark, I will certainly take it into consideration. Personally, I just like the way it feels to slip around and see things from different points; in a story like this, I view the narrator as a presence, unseen and unfelt by the characters in the story, but with the ability to move from character to character, hover right behind their shoulder or go in their head, or pull back and view it all from a distance. I guess I see it sort of how a camera films a movie; how you move the camera, where you focus, what kinds of shots you use, these are all artistic ways of telling the story, and allowing the camera to move in new ways or 'think outside the box' can add a lot of interest and style. (It can also be distracting or damaging, so I have to watch for that too!) This is my personal opinion, and it may prove that even if I feel this is the tone and style I want for my book that it is simply not working for others. If it becomes too much of a problem, I will consider removing the 'head hopping', or as you suggested using it more specifically to show conflict.

This seems more like Mugrin's perception rather than Cobbin's.

You said this about the "prattled on in a dry, raspy voice" bit. However, this is how Cobbin sees himself. Later he calls himself a dusty old master. It is not in self-deprecation, but rather his understanding of things. He is old, and though he is still wise and powerful, he makes no attempts to appear or act younger than he is. He is very realistic about himself and about how his apprentice sees him.

Just to clarify!

At the end of it we seem to slip into Cobbin and stay there - so we never really seem sure of why Mulgrin is tired, has trouble following this, and what his desires, aspirations, regrets etc might be - which might otherwise help push the story forward.

Good point. The very next thing that happens is Mulgrin's POV again, and it holds there for quite a long time. These things are answered almost immediately after I cut off the excerpt, however, that may still be too late in the story to include them, I'm not sure. I could juggle things around to allow more of this to show in the first page perhaps.

The danger is - at this point - that you're not going very far very fast.
...it would help to be more aware of your structure, aims, and conflicts, to help push these characters to the fore.

Again, this seems to be popular opinion!
As for the starting with something boring part, I see what you are getting at. Not sure if I feel strongly about that personally (I think I've read books with beginnings like this, though nothing comes immediately to mind) but it is a good point, and something that at the very least I must consider carefully. And yes, adding what Mulgrin would rather be doing would be excellent! We do get to see him do it, but it would take only a very simple line to add something right in the beginning.

Personal opinions are exactly what I want I, Brian! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply!

I don't think head hopping is bad, so much as difficult (to do well) and unfashionable. ...The only advice I can remember reading about it is, like with dialogue, always start a new head with a new paragraph.

The first switch over wasn't brilliant. I think you could try differentiating by name and see if that works. For example Cobbin in his own head can be Cobbin and in Mulgrin's, Master Cobbin.

I agree about the new paragraph! Also, I liked your idea about using the different names. This is a good way of separating things more clearly, and it makes sense; Cobbin wouldn't think of himself as Master Cobbin (just as a dusty old master ) while Mulgrin wouldn't think of him as simply Cobbin, etc.

As for the clash between para 4 and 5, I'll be honest I don't see it. But I'll try to give it a closer look and see if I catch it!

Other than that, I thought it worked well enough. The characters are reasonably well handled. The pace might be a little slow, but I don't mind slow starts. I'd read on.

Well I'm certainly glad to hear that! I also don't mind slow starts (still needs to be interesting of course!), but I know it's not the popular opinion. Nice to hear someone else say it, and I'm glad that you would read on! Thanks JonH for the comments, I appreciate them!

Yoiks that is long already! To be continued I guess!

 

[JonH]

As for the clash between para 4 and 5, I'll be honest I don't see it. But I'll try to give it a closer look and see if I catch it!

My fault. I meant paras 3 and 4. [I often cut and paste stuff to crit into a word processor to give me a more consistent feel, and I split your second paragraph at the POV change to see if it felt better. I forgot I'd done that when I counted paras.]

It was the shift from, he'd be best off doing well in his exams, to no wizard worth his salt ever came through the exam route. It was almost as though you were implying this new thought was something that only occurred to Cobbin at that point, which is unlikely. It would have been an old internal debate.

 

[The Storyteller]

[Now I see what you're working on!]
I'm fine with all of this but I think the younger reader would want a suggestion of the root cause of Mulgrin's distraction - throw them a couple of subtle clues about his lurking ambition - that might answer some of the 'slow' constructive comments above.

Good suggestion! I think I have a few ideas that might help this problem out! Thanks for the feedback George Ian!

Sorry, for me it didn't work. The head-hopping stopped me getting immersed in a character, and will be a hard sell if you go for an agent - in sff/fantasy, it's very much out of vogue. But, mostly, this was all telling, and a lot of it seemed to be back story - the past failures etc. For a young readers book, especially, I think, as a start, it would struggle to hold their interest.

Sorry. There's always one...

No need to apologize Springs! If the feedback isn't honest, then what is the point? I'd rather hear what you really think!

Fair enough about the head hopping. I will continue to consider this, and see how the story reads as a whole using this style. It doesn't happen quite this often throughout the story (It isn't a different POV every two paragraphs, which would be tedious) and it is mostly in Mulgrin's POV. I am worried about agents, but at the same time, I stubbornly (and maybe stupidly) dislike the idea of sacrificing my own personal voice/style in order to get published. If I believe the story is well-written and benefits from this style, I won't change it, even though it may make things difficult for me. On the other hand, if the head hopping is damaging to the story, I will cut it out! Story always comes first!

Ah yes, telling vs. showing. Another point I struggle on. Personally, I enjoy telling if I like the narrative voice/characters. I wouldn't want the whole story to be that (nor is this one!) but I certainly don't mind it and actually enjoy it. But again, not the popular opinion so something I'll have to work on. Thanks for the input Springs!

A bit too many descriptors, perhaps.
...
Head hopping fine, but not a good idea at the beginning, usually.

I see what you are saying for the descriptors. In this case, it is intentional (this is the narrative voice I have envisioned for this story) but it may turn out to be a bad idea. At the very least, I'll try to turn it down a notch in some places where I am extra-over-excessive!

Perhaps a few more para's with Mulgrin before Cobbin would be helpful... it would still head hop at the beginning, but it wouldn't be quite as sudden! Thanks J Riff for the comment!

The second paragraph becomes a bit dicey because it starts out full Mulgrin and then flips somewhere in the center into Master Cobbin. This is one thing that does jar me; when the POV Shifts mid paragraph.

I agree, I don't like the idea of mid-para shifts. I notice I missed a spacing, the switch only happens with "Now Cobbin was no fool..." which is the start of para 3. If it seemed like I was switching before that line, than that is a problem!

This was not so much a problem and I think had you proceeded to dig deeper into Master Cobbin at this point it would have carried just fine for me. What happens though is some ambiguous mid paragraph sentences cause one to wonder whose POV this is and pushes the reader into deciding were now in OMNI third POV. The remainder somehow manages to keep the reader far enough away to cement that perception.

Is it bad if it is Omni third POV? (that isn't rhetorical, I would actually like to know!) I explained my POV choice in the reply to I, Brian. My 'narrator' is very flexible, and can tell the story from any angle and from any perspective. I didn't specifically say to myself "This story shall be written in Omni third!" but reading a definition for it, it sounds close to what I have been writing. Is this a big no-no?

Because we don't quite get into the head of Master Cobbin either we get the wrong impression of him or he's not a very good teacher. I get that he has some sympathy with his student but I'm left with a conflict that says he doesn't seem to agree with his own teaching method [or maybe he is following someone else method and that's where his conflict is.] The point is that since his POV seems to drive to the end maybe we should be shown more of what is going on back there that allows him to abandon his student to the call from outside.

I'm not certain that the goal is to make Master Cobbin look weak and easily swayed by the moods of his students. But that seems to be the result, which might mean you succeeded or it might mean that we need more information from his POV to justify the final decision.

I hope he's not a bad teacher! It is not so much his own teaching method that is bothering him. The view is that Mulgrin's only hope of becoming a wizard (in regards to his record so far) is to pass the examination. Cobbin disagrees with this method, but also is aware it is Mulgrin's only hope. This upsets him, as there is no option he really likes. He is irritated by this, which prompts the decision to let Mulgrin go. It is not giving into Mulgrin, but rather his own deep dissatisfaction with the situation (and irritation) that triggers the decision.

I agree, I could go more in depth in his thoughts to justify the decision.

Right now the only conflict seems to be between the droning prattle of the master and the call of nature outside. Yet there are crumbs that suggest that Mulgrin has tried and failed and that perhaps what the Master is doing is meant to shore up missing knowledge and since the Master seems well aware of the failures it would seem that he'd be more certain that what he has to offer is more important to Mulgrin right at that moment than anything else. So why does he give up so easily.[That's what's not clear.]

Maybe he's frustrated with the system, or with the method he has to adhere to, or the student, or his own inadequacy, but that doesn't show up here.

Unfortunately, Mulgrin's failing in his quests is very much on account of Mulgrin himself. He has his head up in the clouds, and regardless of what Cobbin does, he remains as he is. The teaching at this point isn't exactly to shore up missing knowledge, as Mulgrin's failures were mostly because of his own over-ambition and foolishness. Lessons like the one in progress are more so to prepare him for the examination (experience trumps knowledge, so the emphasis is on the quest; most novices wouldn't spend a super long time in study before setting out on their quest). Water weed is not the kind of lesson a normal apprentice would be taught to prepare them for the quest; it is instead to prepare him for the examination, which is considered the only option. Cobbin feels strongly against, hence the dismissal. He doesn't hold out any hope that Mulgrin will find or succeed on a quest, nor does he agree with the examination. The only alternative is to take away Mulgrin's wizardling status, which would absolutely destroy Mulgrin (and Cobbin cares about him enough that he wouldn't want to do this)

There is also irritation at his student in addition to frustration at the current predicament, and perhaps a small element of 'feeling too old for this kind of thing.'

Again, you are right; this is not clearly illustrated, which will be why you felt the way you did. I think perhaps a closer look at Cobbin's concerns might solve this problem, and also better set up the importance of the adventure Mulgrin goes on!

Thanks Tinkerdan, these are some excellent points, and I'm very glad you pointed them out!

My main 'issue' would be that I reached the end of the text without an image forming in my head. ...
I like a story that paints a picture, but not just of the environment.
From this I get that Mulgrin is young and a gnomeling, and that Cobbin is old. But that's all I really learn about what they look like.
I'm certainly not suggesting long, drawn out descriptions of them, down to the finest detail.
But a little of what they and their surroundings look like could help to start build an image.

Hope that helps in some small way. I'm still new to giving critiques.

I agree, the detail is lacking! I also like a clear picture of the surroundings/characters, and this can be built with even a few small remarks built in. I think we have Mulgrin's big brown eyes and Cobbin's wrinkled hand, but that is not much. A bit of description to the environment and characters would go a long ways. And as you said, not drawn out descriptions, but tidbits weaved into the story to create a clearer picture.

Yes Jinxo, it does help and I appreciate you taking the time to comment! As far as I'm concerned, honest opinion of fellow readers/writers is always good, and always beneficial. Thanks for the feedback!

Technically nothing stood out for me, so good use of English, or so I think. You have great potential.

This is me, beaming like a kid whose drawing has just been complimented by an adult.

Set up however is a different thing. The head hops were not necessary in my view and could easily have been handled in close 3rd with no major problems. The long narrated opening was repeated in dialogue, which brings me to the question I think everyone should ask when writing. Simply – does this add value? For me, your narrated opening doesn’t add much value to the storyline and I felt the opening was slow and not very interesting. A more immediate opening with something of interest to hook me in is needed I think. I would be very worried with your slow pace in the opening and if I’m thinking it I suspect agents may too. The opening is your foot in the door, and it has to be the best you can do. I worry with unwarranted head hops, repeats and actually nothing happening that you may be making life difficult for yourself. As ever, only my thoughts only and as I don’t even have an agent myself, I could well be wrong.

Right, down to the meat and potatoes. I have a mix of absolute agreement with the above statements and my own varying personal opinions. I replied to I, Brian with a view of my choice in POV, and if I can I'd like to stick with it until/unless I personally view it as damaging to the story, or too many other people point it out.

And I think you have a good point about agents/it being interesting enough/needing a good hook, etc. I have some ideas for altering the beginning which may help. I'm going to post them in a final comment for anyone who wants to take a look!

Thanks Bowler, I appreciate the comment!

 

[The Storyteller]

Okay, phew, that was a lot of typing!

Last thing now, I wanted to take a moment to share some of my thoughts to a change in the opening. The popular opinion was the start is too slow, and that there isn't a source of conflict.

Some possible ideas could be that Cobbin gives Mulgrin a lecture about paying attention, which becomes heated because of Cobbin's frustration with the situation (as described in reply to Tinkerdan). Mulgrin possible walks out on Cobbin, or Cobbin is angry enough that he dismisses him and tells him not to come back until he is serious about his lessons. (Or something along these lines!)

Another possible thought is it could open right after one of Mulgrin's failed attempts, in which he is chastised for his foolishness and reminded the importance of paying attention. This could continue into Cobbin informing him that he has made the decision (against his own desires and thus causing him a good deal of inner conflict) to order up the examination for Mulgrin, and that from now on the lessons will be solely to prepare him for this examination. Mulgrin refuses, pleading that he wants to go on a quest and using Cobbin's past words against him ("you always said no good wizard was made from studies!"), which only causes Cobbin to feel more frustrated. Again, he could then send Mulgrin away, informing him that the following morning they will begin preparation for the exam.

In either case, the story will then continue back into the original plan, with Mulgrin setting off on a new quest instead of returning the next day. If I used the second example, he would be determined to prove Cobbin wrong, etc.

If you are reading this, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it! Would one of these be a preferable opening to what I have, or should I just work with the opening I have to make it more interesting? Or something else entirely that I haven't thought up yet? Is there one the above that stands out as better than the other?

Thanks again for all the comments that have been made! It has been very helpful!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The failed attempt would make a nice show, btw, whereas the others you've suggested move towards telling, I think.

 

[Bowler1]

This is me, beaming like a kid whose drawing has just been complimented by an adult.

Adult - woohoo - Bowler1 leaves this thread blasting RAY GUNS skyward, Wild West style.

 

[JonH]

You could take that further and actually show the end of the failed quest in a sort of prelude. A bit like a James Bond / Indiana Jones film opening, but a skin-of-the-teeth failure. Then we get the scene where he's called into Cobbin's study and the chastisement.

[Jon ducks to avoid stray ray-gun fire, and his features are suddenly rendered pale by his anti-ray-gun shield. He checks the cold-fusion battery—better safe than sorry—then he watches the back of the disappearing Bowler and shakes his head, sadly.]

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I agree about the head hopping not quite working.

For me this feels like the start of the story:

Cobbin rapped his staff sharply on the wood table. Mulgrin’s head snapped to attention, and his large brown puppy eyes filled with worry.

This part gave a lot of the information you had spent several paragraphs explaining. Expand on it and I think you could have a decent beginning.

Your dialogue is good and I did start to bond with your character which for me is why the head-hopping was frustrating.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Ref the original text (#1) I think that the switches of viewpoint are a problem. While few things in writing are wrong if you can make it work, it has to said that this kind of head-hopping is rarely seen in published fantasy fiction these days and, if it appears in an unknown writer's work, is liable to be seen as a basic error.

The style is IMHO too leisurely for the purpose you intend (YA fiction) and a terser style would be nearer the mark.

If you start by describing a boring lesson there is some risk that the reader will take that feeling as their overall impression.

I'm not suggesting that you have Cobbin fly into a rage on noting Mulgrin's inattention and start beating him with a large stick, while ordering him to shape up or go starve to death in the gutter, but there seems scope for injecting a bit more energy and conflict into the piece.

Re your afterthoughts (#14) the idea "Another possible thought is" has potential for a more interesting opening. Don't forget though, that the success of a piece of fiction is as much, or more, about how you tell it than to do with what brilliant story idea you come up with.

The current fashion is for 'showing' the story in TV-like scenes (the huge success of the 'Game of Thrones' books/TV series is no accident).

Novels allow one to do introspection, but if overdone it can be rather dull.

By the way, what is the economic basis of this wizard school? Who is funding Mulgrin's lengthy studies? Even if you don't answer the question in the scene, having an answer prepared may give the story more believability.

Some books that may be helpful, if you haven't covered the groundwork already:
Writing Fiction: Gotham Writers Workshop
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers - Browne & King
Wonderbook - Jeff Vandermeer
Writing Science Fiction - Christopher Evans

Best of luck.