It's that 1000 post time... (640 words)

[Juliana]

1000 posts, so I thought I'd be brave and put up my very first piece for critique.

Its from my shiny new WIP, a YA story set on Earth in a very near future. I'm including a short piece from the end of one chapter for context, but what I really want opinions on is the fight scene. It needs to be believable. The scene happens about 2/3 into the story, between two government agents who are tracking down some runaway teens (the agent named Strike is a MC). The guy agent has been stringing the woman along, acting all lovey-dovey to get under her guard, and she's developed a crush on him. And yes, the names are weird, but there's backstory on why.

So, here goes! (have blankety-blanked the swear words)

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She bent down to see better, back turned to River. Her voice rose, excitedly, as she pointed out the clear mark of a sneaker print. “There. And there.” She straightened up, and felt him move in closer, felt his warm body against her own. It was an oddly intimate moment, and she turned around, slowly. His face was inches away from hers. He looked her in the eyes, serious, his own green eyes dark in the cave’s gloom. He leant in towards her, lips grazing her ear, and Strike felt her heartbeat accelerate.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He raised his hand and Strike heard the warning hum a split second before the stunner’s jolt hit her in the chest.

(end of chapter)
(after a POV break, next Strike POV chapter starts here

Strike staggered from the hit, confused. She heard River’s voice, as if from a huge distance, which couldn’t be right, could it, as his face was looming in front of her, huge and distorted? He was swearing at his stunner. “Half-juiced piece of s***.” He reversed his grip on the gun and raised the butt above his head.

Still dazed, Strike reacted instinctively, years of training kicking in. She slammed her forehead against his, knocking him back. He stumbled, off balance, and swore. The blow he was aiming at her head cracked her across the face, instead, and she tasted blood from a split lip. He hit her again, across the shoulder, and she went down hard on hands and knees.

Before she had a chance to get back on her feet he’d dropped the stunner and set his handgun to her head. “Stay down! Stay down, damn it, stay!” he shouted. She stayed down, though it took every ounce of will not to get up and slug the backstabbing ******* as hard as she could.

“Put your hands on your head, nice and easy now.” She felt River’s knee on her back, and he grabbed her hands roughly, pinning them behind her. Plastic restraints were slipped over her wrists and pulled cruelly tight. He stood up and walked around to face her, flashlight straight in her eyes, dazzling her. “Good. No more c*** from you, okay? I have orders to bring you back in one piece, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get beaten by a girl, even if she is the legendary Strike.”

Strike shook her head as if to clear it, feigning confusion. She felt blood dripping down her face from somewhere, her cheek probably, and she tried to look convincingly slack-jawed. River must have bought it, because he grunted in satisfaction and reached forward to rip out her commlink. He took his eyes off her for one brief moment, to crush the commlink under his boot, and Strike took her chance.

She dropped to one side and rolled, kicking out and sweeping his legs from under him in one smooth move. Taken by surprise, he went down onto the rocky ground. Strike was on him like a snake. She head-butted him again, and again, then jumped aside as he grabbed for her neck. The fallen flashlight threw up eerie shadows on the cavern walls.

His hand closed on empty air; Strike was already up and as he rolled over to get up, too, she kicked him hard in the side, boot catching him under the ribs and sending him sprawling. Then she kicked him again, in the face this time, aiming for the pressure point a martial arts instructor had shown her once, between the jaw and the ear.

River slumped back, suddenly still. She flipped him over with her foot. “Well, what do you know, it works,” she muttered to herself. She made a mental note to thank Sensei Jou some day. Then she jumped as River’s commlink chattered to life.

 

[Mouse]

Very nice. I had trouble with the positioning when he drops the stun gun and grabs the handgun cos I thought he was in front of her but then his knee is at her back. Also, was briefly confused as to who was a he and who was a she. I probably wouldn't have her headbutt him as that'd hurt like all hell (for her).

 

[Juliana]

I probably wouldn't have her headbutt him as that'd hurt like all hell (for her).

She still has her arms behind her back, you see. But maybe she can use her elbow or knee instead. She's a highly trained combat operative.

Thanks, Mouse! I'll have a careful look at the other suggestions. This is very helpful, as I want it nice and clear.

 

[Mouse]

One headbutt and then an elbow strike maybe. I was just worried her head'd crack open.

 

[Tecdavid]

She bent down to see better, (I'd add 'her' here) back turned to River. Her voice rose, excitedly, as she pointed out the clear mark of a sneaker print. “There. And there.” She straightened up, and felt him move in closer, felt his warm body against her own. It was an oddly intimate moment, and she turned around, slowly. His face was inches away from hers. He looked her in the eyes, serious, his own green eyes dark in the cave’s gloom. He leant in towards her, lips grazing her ear, and Strike felt her heartbeat accelerate.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He raised his hand and Strike heard the warning hum a split second before the stunner’s jolt hit her in the chest.

(end of chapter)
(after a POV break, next Strike POV chapter starts here

Strike staggered from the hit, confused. She heard River’s voice, as if from a huge distance, which couldn’t be right, could it (I'd change this little bit here -- I think there's a few too many commas, and it doesn't really read as a question despite the question mark. Is there a smoother way to express her confusion?), as his face was looming in front of her, huge and distorted? He was swearing at his stunner. “Half-juiced piece of s***.” He reversed his grip on the gun and raised the butt above his head.

Still dazed, Strike reacted instinctively, years of training kicking in. She slammed her forehead against his, knocking him back. He stumbled, off balance, and swore. The blow he was aiming at her head cracked her across the face, (I don't think this one comma's necessary) instead, and she tasted blood from a split lip. He hit her again, across the shoulder, and she went down hard on hands and knees. Things like the split lip bit are nice 'n' darkly immersive. I think dwelling on the sensations that kind of thing brings (if only a little bit) would add to that as well.

Before she had a chance to get back on her feet he’d dropped the stunner and set his handgun to her head. “Stay down! Stay down, damn it, stay!” he shouted. She stayed down, though it took every ounce of will not to get up and slug the backstabbing ******* as hard as she could.

“Put your hands on your head, nice and easy now.” She felt River’s knee on her back, and he grabbed her hands roughly, pinning them behind her. Plastic restraints were slipped over her wrists and pulled cruelly tight. He stood up and walked around to face her, flashlight straight in her eyes, dazzling her. “Good. No more c*** from you, okay? I have orders to bring you back in one piece, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get beaten by a girl, even if she is the legendary Strike.” (Bit of a childish thing to say isn't it? How old is River?)

Strike shook her head as if to clear it, feigning confusion. She felt blood dripping down her face from somewhere, her cheek probably, and she tried to look convincingly slack-jawed. River must have bought it, because he grunted in satisfaction and reached forward to rip out her commlink. He took his eyes off her for one brief moment, to crush the commlink under his boot, and Strike took her chance.

She dropped to one side and rolled, kicking out and sweeping his legs from under him in one smooth move. Taken by surprise, he went down onto the rocky ground. Strike was on him like a snake. She head-butted him again, and again, then jumped aside as he grabbed for her neck. The fallen flashlight threw up eerie shadows on the cavern walls. (Would head-butting be the best attack if she's on the ground, even though her hands are tied?)

His hand closed on empty air; Strike was already up and as he rolled over to get up, too, she kicked him hard in the side, boot catching him under the ribs and sending him sprawling. Then she kicked him again, in the face this time, aiming for the pressure point a martial arts instructor had shown her once, between the jaw and the ear.

River slumped back, suddenly still. She flipped him over with her foot. “Well, what do you know, it works,” she muttered to herself. She made a mental note to thank Sensei Jou some day. Then she jumped as River’s commlink chattered to life.

All in all, I thought the scene was easy to follow, and enjoyable. It'd probably have a better impact on me if I knew more about the characters, and what's going on exactly, but as it stands, I liked it.

 

[Juliana]

Thanks a lot, David. This is great, just what I need.

I can see I'm going to have to rethink the head-butting, though. Maybe just keep the one, when they're still both standing.

By the way, re the childish comment, bit of backstory that gets told earlier on: River is only 22, and when he began training as an agent, Strike had just graduated. She's a very skilled sharpshooter, and as that's River's area of expertise, he had to live with stories of her talent and constant comparisons.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

She could slam her head into his nose -- that would be less of a blow to her and more to him.

I have a hard time with all that stuff she does after her hands are cinched tightly behind her back. I just can't see it.

Otherwise, it's nicely done, and enjoyable.

Congratulations on the 1000!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Very nice. I still think you have too many veils, though. control H and kill your felts and seens etc because your characters are always so warm and fun, I want to get closer to them.

Congrats!
J

 

[Juliana]

Thanks TDZ and Springs!

I actually acted out part of that sequence (my husband thought I was a right nut, rolling around in the kitchen!) but I might try it a different way.

Ah, yes, the dreaded veils! I keep trying to cut them out and they keep popping back... Nasty things.

 

[hopewrites]

Congratulations!
I liked it over all and felt the fight seen was mostly believable. I'd have her stomp rather than kick the pressure point. Probably because I never played any sports and my stomps are more powerful than my kicks.
I especially like that she thought to remind her self to thank her sensei, made her feel more real, less robot.

 

[Bowler1]

Still dazed, Strike reacted instinctively, years of training kicking in – In red was slipping into telling a little for me. I’d assume by this stage the character is well introduced so we wouldn’t need to be told of her training here.

I have orders to bring you back in one piece, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to get beaten by a girl, even if she is the legendary Strike. – The baddy giving away the plot all Hollywood style, which I didn’t mind. The red didn’t do it for me. A trained killer is a trained killer, girl or otherwise. Women have been serving in the front line (Russian troops in WWII) long before I was born (and that was some time ago), so I don’t see what sex has to do with it. The dialogue also felt a little un-natural because of the red bit.

Very good and well handled. The character placement was well done and the action fit too. I would have like a little more character feelings to reflect her initial confusion and later anger maybe. Confused was mentioned a few times, but why not blurred vision, shooting pain and wondering why she was on the damp and dank cave floor (I fell off my bike once (kiddy bike) and when I woke up I couldn’t figure out why I was on the ground. There was a big disconnect and some missing events/memory that had me very confused for the first few moments. Then I had a blinding headache). So I’d like a little more character emotion in what was a very good section.
1k – Well done buddy.

 

[Juliana]

Thanks Hope and Bowler, great input. This'll help me with some of Strike's other action scenes, too.