Another chapter of my WIP, first draft (990 words approx)

[Mirannan]

Here we go. Trying to convey what happens when street punks run into what amounts to a superhero:

Constable McDonald’s Story


I was the first to see her in action.


I’d ended up with the graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it I suppose. The graveyard shift is often quite boring, but it does have its moments sometimes. I didn’t know it, but this was about to be one of those times. It was quite early in the shift, when I got a radio call that was being sent to everyone. “Member of public has reported screams in the area of Lowther Street – anyone in the area?” As it happened, I was only a few hundred yards away from that street, so I called back. “PC76 here – I’m close and will deal.” “Roger. Report back with details.”


(Street name changed to protect the guilty, by the way.)


I jogged in that direction. I heard some screaming myself – it sounded like a woman, and seemed to be coming from somewhere near an alley between some shops. I was about to cross the road to have a look, when I saw one of the weirdest things I’d ever seen in my life!


Someone was running full tilt down the pavement towards the area, and making an incredible racket. No surprises there, because whoever it was, he was wearing a full suit of armour. Well, this is going to make a good story for the canteen at break time! I’m no expert on mediaeval armour – but it looked like chainmail.


This figure screeched to a halt at the mouth of an alley, and then it got more than a little nasty. Or, at least, I thought it was going to. Two blokes came out of the alley, and both of them were carrying knives. Easy to tell, because they were reflecting the streetlights. I’d just grabbed my radio to call for backup, when I got another surprise.


There was a confused flurry of movement, too fast to see what was happening, and at the end of it both the knifemen were on the deck, looking as if they were out cold. (We later got hold of some CCTV footage that happened to cover the area, and slowed down it was a beautiful thing to see. No wasted moves at all. Armoured guy pivots sideways – way sideways – on the right leg, and does a perfect trip manoeuvre on the left-hand one. Pretty well at the same time, right-hand one got an elbow smash in the face. Both went down like a sack of spuds.)


Half a second later, or maybe a little less, the third one came out – again with a knife. This one came off even worse. Again, the action was too fast to see – but I could hear a crack that sounded painful, and this one ended up on his stomach, with his arm being twisted in what looked like a very painful position. By this time, I’d got moving. I was close enough to hear talking, and it was the armoured one doing the talking in a low voice. “Let go of that knife NOW, or I’ll break your arm and you’re going to have to drop it anyway.”


The knife clattered to the pavement, to join the rapidly-growing assortment of hardware and scumbags already there. Just then, the newcomer must have noticed something – maybe my high-vis jacket out of the corner of an eye, maybe my footsteps, who knows? The figure got up – fast – and went into combat stance. Very well-trained combat stance at that, as far as I could tell. Not that this was much of a surprise, considering he’d just taken out three armed men without working up a sweat.


I thought I’d better take charge of the situation; that’s what they train us to do after all. I said, “Easy there, fella.” (Keeping my hands away from any of the hardware at my belt, just in case.) “Police – what the hell is going on here?” The newcomer did something rather peculiar, just then. I’d noticed he was wearing a helmet – it went with the armour – and off it came.


Time for my third surprise in less than a minute. Helmet off, the newcomer was revealed to be female; or at least if not, one of the best trannies ever. Face straight off a fashion mag cover, and blonde hair streaming down her back. She said something a bit odd and in a rather odd accent, about then. “Police? Does that mean you represent the law?” “Yes, what else would it mean?” “No idea – I’m not from around here. Don’t you think you’d better do something about these three?” The latest one was just starting to crawl away, trying to be subtle about it. I moved to intercept. “One on the right is probably unconscious. One on the left might be. This sack of garbage probably has a dislocated shoulder, and either he’s just committed rape or he was about to.” “And how the hell would you know that?” I said. “Well, when someone’s holding a knife, there’s a screaming woman nearby and his dick is hanging out he’s not setting up a tea party!” She carried on. “Right. If you can summon help, get some healers here and I’ll take a look at the victim – I’ve been around combat damage. No expert, but I’ll take a look.”


I’d unclipped my radio and was in the middle of reporting in to base when I realised that I’d taken orders from this woman without even thinking about it. I shrugged – the instructions made perfect sense, after all, at least for now.


“Control, PC76 reporting. I need paramedics, probably an ambulance, pickup van. It looks like rape or attempted by three men, also aggravated assault. Weapons used – look like flick knives. Suspects were interrupted by a civilian, all three attacked her with knives. Civilian apparently unhurt, currently attending to the victim.” I couldn’t help adding, “And you’re not going to believe the civilian when you see her!”

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

The one technical point I would like to make is that, more than once, you have more than one person speaking within a single paragraph. I would suggest that you start a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker.

I like the realistic, casual narrative voice. To maintain this tone, I might lose the exclamation points.

The woman seems to be unfamiliar with a common concept like "police," but uses common slang and knows what a tea party is. I might suggest that you strengthen her lack of familiarity with things the narrator takes for granted, and have her speak a little more strangely.

Otherwise, looks like a good start.

 

[tinkerdan]

I say ditto on the dialogue.
I've seen it used effectively when somehow we have two people talk almost on top of each other. But it's annoying any way you do it and I'd advise a new paragraph also.

 

[Mirannan]

Thanks, Victoria and tinkerdan. I'll probably make her speech more formal and archaic - it would fit. I did have a problem with the dialogue; the other alternatives seemed to be a new paragraph every time the speaker changed, which would have broken it up too much I think, or the "he said, she said" syndrome which would have been even worse. Any ideas?

Punctuation comments noted.

BTW, the tone of the policeman's speech was deliberate. I don't think anyone would expect a street cop to talk, or write, like an Oxford don. Senior officers in official documents - well, maybe.

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm not sure what you might be afraid of in breaking it up. If it's a problem with pacing I think you should read it as it is-break it up and read it again.

I find that snippets of dialogue like that-even in a stack will read just as quickly as what you have. What you have there looks either like they are talking over each other. Or it becomes stream of though of two different people simultaneous and I'm taking two ibpropen in a moment because of the headache.

You don't need the dialogue tags or you would desperately need them in that rats nest.

I think the way it is it makes the pace too quick unless you are going for dialogue ping pong like that old black and white film His Girl Friday.

 

[Mirannan]

tinkerdan - Which I'm not.

As I said, point taken about the mismatch between use of colloquial English and lack of knowledge of what the heck a policeman is. Rewrite en route!

I'm going to have some fun with the reaction of this cop's seniors to his apparently having caused a major incident.

I have a small question about police procedure for anyone who knows anything about it; I know very little. In the situation described (someone attacked by several armed men and attackers lose) what's likely to happen to the target of the attack? Specifically, is someone like that going to be taken in for fairly aggressive questioning?

 

[Remedy]

Hey Mirannnan, I'm not often in the critiques zone but I pop in from time to time. I enjoyed this.

One tiny thing made me stumble, when you used "hardware" the second time in: " (Keeping my hands away from any of the hardware at my belt, just in case.) " I would change it to gear or weapons else it started to sound a little like he was a builder.

He would definitely handcuff the one that was moving too, I'd chuck that in.

A nice 1000 though

 

[Mouse]

Mirannan - Ralph is a police officer and very helpful. I'm sure he wouldn't mind you dropping him a PM or visitor message. He was very helpful in my 'Irish police' thread and in crits since.

 

[chrispenycate]

Chain mail is just a series of iron rings, all linked together in a network roughly shaped into a garment. Like crocheted wrought iron. It doesn't clink, or jingle; mostly it sort of grinds. Above all, from a distance it looks like heavy cloth, not armour.

To give the impression of armour you're going to need at least some plate – and preferably, if you're going to run and do kung.fu kicks, some of that lovely Italian renaissance articulated plate that they used to boast you could dance in (which would be pretty amazing, considering I can't dance without). Tailor made to one person, and woe betide putting on weight; the stuff is incredibly expensive, and next best thing to unmodifiable. They are so beautifully made they don't clank or grind, even now, centuries after their fabrication, so (combined with the full-face helmet) suggests this might have been an earlier style with breast and back plates linked by leather straps (buckles, no velcro), maybe some chain between them, shoulder pieces, forearm and upper arm protection – but no greaves. Not if you're going to kick sideways. Preferably an elbow joint piece so the guy who got it in the teeth got the benefit of metal, rather than risking bruising her, but that's the start of articulated.

Now, the helmet. When she took it off long blonde hair was streaming down her back, which it presumably hadn't been before, so she'd presumably packed it into the helmet as cushioning earlier – how? Oh, Hollywood can get away with it, but they've got costumiers aplenty and hairdressers on set, and they can shoot the scene where she is revealed as a woman a dozen times. Look at a motorcyclist with long hair and a helmet (any gender); he will probably tuck it into his leather jacket, or wear it loose outside . or plait it up.

All of which is a very long winded way of saying 'probably cut the line about chain mail.

I agree with the separation of dialogue, and wonder when the concept of 'law' took over from that of 'justice'.

Now a personal opinion; the first (all right, technically second) explanatory paragraph, slow and descriptive. No, it's not going to be me that pressurises you into immediate action; I quite appreciate a little scene setting to ease me into a story – old, you know. No, I find the short, choppy sentences, excellent for action, too nervous for here; I'd combine them a bit, reduce the pressure so when it arrives it's more of a contrast.

 

[Mirannan]

chrispenycate - We're going to have to agree to disagree about the chain mail, I think. Well-kept mail glints in harsh lighting, and I've already mentioned the streetlights reflecting off the knives the attackers were using. And whether it makes much noise (and of what sort) depends a great deal on the details of its weave. Large rings do jingle, for example.

How do I know? Well, I've been around people wearing it - used to hang around, at least some of the time, with Viking re-enactors. (Yes, I know only the richest of real Vikings wore the stuff, but...)

The trip was supposed to be just that, rather than a kung-fu style high kick. Perhaps I ought to have said "leg sweep" to make it clearer.

As for the injury risk of the elbow smash - well, as will become clear later, she's quite capable of doing it without the armour. In any case, IIRC mail is usually worn with at least a little light padding underneath; partly against chafing, partly for a bit of protection against blunt impact.

Hair under the helmet? Point taken. Maybe it's tucked under the mail, and I ought to mention something to that effect.

Thanks for the help.

BTW; would an officer usually cuff someone who obviously has something along the lines of a dislocated shoulder? I would think not, but I'm no expert at all in this sort of thing.

 

[Mirannan]

Back to this, after far too long a break. I've been light on the archaisms; does it need more?


Constable McDonald’s Story


I was the first to see the Visitor in action.


I’d ended up with the graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it I suppose. The graveyard shift is often quite boring, but it does have its moments sometimes. I didn’t know it, but this was about to be one of those times. It was quite early in the shift, when I got a radio call that was being sent to everyone. “Member of public has reported screams in the area of Lowther Street – anyone in the area?” As it happened, I was only a few hundred yards away from that street, so I called back. “PC76 here – I’m close and will deal.” “Roger. Report back with details.”


(Street name changed to protect the guilty, by the way.)


I jogged in that direction. I heard some screaming myself – it sounded like a woman, and seemed to be coming from somewhere near an alley between some shops. I was about to cross the road to have a look, when I saw one of the weirdest things I’d ever seen in my life!


Someone was running full tilt down the pavement towards the area, and making an incredible racket. No surprises there, because whoever it was, he was wearing a full suit of armour. Well, this is going to make a good story for the canteen at break time! I’m no expert on mediaeval armour – but it looked like chainmail.


This figure screeched to a halt at the mouth of an alley, and then it got more than a little nasty. Or, at least, I thought it was going to. Two blokes came out of the alley, and both of them were carrying knives. Easy to tell, because they were reflecting the streetlights. I’d just grabbed my radio to call for backup, when I got another surprise.


There was a confused flurry of movement, too fast to see what was happening, and at the end of it both the knifemen were on the deck, looking as if they were out cold. (We later got hold of some CCTV footage that happened to cover the area, and slowed down it was a beautiful thing to see. No wasted moves at all. Armoured guy pivots sideways – way sideways – on the right leg, and does a perfect trip manoeuvre on the left-hand one. Pretty well at the same time, right-hand one got an elbow smash in the face. Both went down like a sack of spuds.)


Half a second later, or maybe a little less, the third one came out – again with a knife. This one came off even worse. Again, the action was too fast to see – but I could hear a crack that sounded painful, and this one ended up on his stomach, with his arm being twisted in what looked like a very painful position. By this time, I’d got moving. I was close enough to hear talking, and it was the armoured one doing the talking in a low voice. “Let go of that knife NOW, or I’ll break your arm and you’re going to have to drop it anyway.”


The knife clattered to the pavement, to join the rapidly-growing assortment of cutlery and scumbags already there. Just then, the newcomer must have noticed something – maybe my high-vis jacket out of the corner of an eye, maybe my footsteps, who knows? The figure got up – fast – and went into combat stance. Very well-trained combat stance at that, as far as I could tell. Not that this was much of a surprise, considering he’d just taken out three armed men without working up a sweat.


I thought I’d better take charge of the situation; that’s what they train us to do after all. I said, “Easy there, fella.” (Keeping my hands away from any of the gear at my belt, just in case.) “Police – what the hell is going on here?” The newcomer did something rather peculiar, just then. I’d noticed he was wearing a helmet – style went with the armour – and off it came.


Time for my third surprise in less than a minute. Helmet off, the newcomer was revealed to be female; or at least if not, one of the best trannies ever. Face straight off a fashion mag cover, and gorgeous blonde hair disappearing under the armour. She said something a bit odd and in a rather odd accent, about then. “Police? Does that mean you represent the law?” “Yes, what else would it mean?” I said.


“No idea – I am from afar. Do you not you think you had better do something about these three?” The latest one was just starting to crawl away, trying to be subtle about it. I moved to intercept; it wasn’t difficult as one of his arms wasn’t working. She said; “The miscreant on the right is probably unconscious. The one on the left might be. This sack of garbage probably has a dislocated shoulder, and either he’s just committed rape or he was about to.”


“And how the hell would you know that?” I said.


“Well, when someone’s holding a knife, there’s a screaming woman nearby and his privy member is hanging out he’s not arranging entertainment for a noble!” She carried on. “Right. If you can summon help, get some healers here and I’ll take a look at the victim – I have some skill in healing the hurts of battle at need. ”


I’d unclipped my radio and was in the middle of reporting in to base when I realised that I’d taken orders from this woman without even thinking about it. I shrugged – the instructions made perfect sense, after all, at least for now.


“Control, PC76 reporting. I need paramedics, probably an ambulance, pickup van. It looks like rape or attempted by three men, also aggravated assault. Weapons used – look like flick knives. Suspects were interrupted by a civilian, all three attacked her with knives. Civilian apparently unhurt, currently attending to the victim.” I couldn’t help adding, “And you’re not going to believe the civilian when you see her!”

 

[Bowler1]

I was the first to see her in action.

I’d ended up with the graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it I suppose. The graveyard shift is often quite boring, but it does have its moments sometimes. I didn’t know it, but this was about to be one of those times. It was quite early in the shift, when I got a radio call that was being sent to everyone. “Member of public has reported screams in the area of Lowther Street – anyone in the area?” In red diluted the opening line for me, repeating a little and possibly telling.

I’d like a new line here as it’s a new character. As it happened, I was only a few hundred yards away from that street, so I called back. “PC76 here – I’m close and will deal.”

Separate as this is the radio operator. “Roger. Report back with details.”

(Street name changed to protect the guilty, by the way.)

I jogged in that direction. I heard some screaming myself – it sounded like a woman, and seemed to be coming from somewhere near an alley between some shops. I was about to cross the road to have a look, when I saw one of the weirdest things I’d ever seen in my life!

Someone was running full tilt down the pavement towards the area, and making an incredible racket. No surprises there– clashes with the surprise above, because whoever it was, he was wearing a full suit of armour. Well, this is going to make a good story for the canteen at break time! I’m no expert on mediaeval armour – but it looked like chainmail.

This figure screeched to a halt at the mouth of an alley, and then it got more than a little nasty. Or, at least, I thought it was going to. Two blokes came out of the alley, and both of them were carrying knives. Easy to tell, because they were reflecting the streetlights. I’d just grabbed my radio to call for backup, when I got another surprise. In red not needed.

There was a confused flurry of movement, too fast to see what was happening, and at the end of it both the knifemen were on the deck, looking as if they were out cold. (We later got hold of some CCTV footage that happened to cover the area, and slowed the action down. It was a beautiful thing to see. No wasted moves at all. Armoured guy pivots sideways – way sideways – on the right leg, and does a perfect trip manoeuvre on the left-hand one. Pretty well at the same time, right-hand one got an elbow smash in the face. Both went down like a sack of spuds.)

Half a second later, or maybe a little less, the third one came out – again with a knife. This one came off even worse. Again, the action was too fast to see – but I could hear a crack that sounded painful, and this one ended up on his stomach, with his arm being twisted in what looked like a very painful position. By this time, I’d got moving. I was close enough to hear talking, and it was the armoured one doing the talking in a low voice. “Let go of that knife NOW, or I’ll break your arm and you’re going to have to drop it anyway.”

The knife clattered to the pavement, to join the rapidly-growing assortment of hardware and scumbags already there. Just then, the newcomer must have noticed something – maybe my high-vis jacket out of the corner of an eye, maybe my footsteps, who knows? The figure got up – fast – and went into combat stance. Very well-trained combat stance at that, as far as I could tell. Not that this was much of a surprise, considering he’d just taken out three armed men without working up a sweat.

I thought I’d better take charge of the situation; that’s what they train us to do after all. I said, “Easy there, fella.” (Keeping my hands away from any of the hardware at my belt, just in case.) “Police – what the hell is going on here?” The newcomer did something rather peculiar, just then. I’d noticed he was wearing a helmet – it went with the armour – and off it came.

Time for my third surprise in less than a minute. Helmet off, the newcomer was revealed to be female; or at least if not, one of the best trannies ever. Face straight off a fashion mag cover, and blonde hair streaming down her back. She said something a bit odd and in a rather odd accent, about then. “Police? Does that mean you represent the law?”

New Character “Yes, what else would it mean?” I got confused who was who after this.
“No idea – I’m not from around here. Don’t you think you’d better do something about these three?” The latest one was just starting to crawl away, trying to be subtle about it. I moved to intercept. “One on the right is probably unconscious. One on the left might be. This sack of garbage probably has a dislocated shoulder, and either he’s just committed rape or he was about to.” “And how the hell would you know that?” I said. “Well, when someone’s holding a knife, there’s a screaming woman nearby and his dick is hanging out he’s not setting up a tea party!” She carried on. “Right. If you can summon help, get some healers here and I’ll take a look at the victim – I’ve been around combat damage. No expert, but I’ll take a look.” The lack of separation of character dialogue is a problem.

I’d unclipped my radio and was in the middle of reporting in to base when I realised that I’d taken orders from this woman without even thinking about it. I shrugged – the instructions made perfect sense, after all, at least for now.

“Control, PC76 reporting. I need paramedics, probably an ambulance, pickup van. It looks like rape or attempted by three men, also aggravated assault. Weapons used – look like flick knives. Suspects were interrupted by a civilian, all three attacked her with knives. Civilian apparently unhurt, currently attending to the victim.” I couldn’t help adding, “And you’re not going to believe the civilian when you see her!”

A lot of “then’s” about, or “about then”.

I felt some of the lines ran on and were comma heavy, with pauses where I felt there was no pause.

Separate out characters when talking or doing actions please.

The main characters narrative felt like repeating actions or events at times. This narrative was both a strength and a weakness for me in this section, strong in reflecting the characters thoughts, weak in slowing pace and repeating images. I also felt you could have been tighter in general.

Background was very light, just an alleyway if I remember right. A little more setting would have helped me anyway - not just Chrispy.

That said - the character was very strong with a good voice. Nice dialogue. There was a lot of good too that helped me along. More attention to the small details is all that’s needed. Just my thoughts as ever.


I've only done the first version and sadly don't have time for the second, which I've only just seen.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Am about to take the kids to school, but a couple of things immediately jump out to me:


I was the first to see the Visitor in action. Good strong opening hook


I’d ended up with the graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it I suppose. The graveyard shift is often quite boring, but it does have its moments sometimes. I didn’t know it, but this was about to be one of those times. - and this section is a complete tension killer. Follow a hook with strong words - do not take a step back to ramble, which IMO this line is doing. Keep your prose tight and strong and push the story forward quickly.

It was quite early in the shift, when I got a radio call that was being sent to everyone. “Member of public has reported screams in the area of Lowther Street – anyone in the area?” As it happened, I was only a few hundred yards away from that street, so I called back. “PC76 here – I’m close and will deal.” “Roger. Report back with details.”


(Street name changed to protect the guilty, by the way.) Please don't tell me it's part of the MS - far too self-conscious, unless you're writing a comedy.


I jogged in that direction only jogged? Try and inject a sense of urgency here for the sake of the reader. I heard some screaming myself – it sounded like a woman, and seemed to be coming from somewhere near an alley between some shops and how did it feel? Use this as an opportunity to set up some tension - you need to make the reader feel this, not simply "tell" it. I was about to cross the road to have a look, when I saw one of the weirdest things I’d ever seen in my life!


I'm probably being too hard, but I think my main criticism of the story so far is a lack of urgency - IMO you want to drive the reader into a story, and make them feel it, as quickly as possible.

Here you're in danger of reducing or avoiding any opportunities for tension, and you include irrelevant words and phrases ("As it happens") which make the story sound like lazy-afternoon dialogue rather than a story with anything gripping about it - which as we plainly know your story is.

Of course, I'm speaking of ideals here - but IMO you can make this piece tighter, focus on tension, and really grab the reader. At the moment I think you're being too gentle with the reader which is making your story amble, rather than have a punchy run.

Of course, that could be an entirely stylistic issue. However, feedback provided in case of help.

 

[JonH]

I hope you don't object to a forum newbie commenting.


This is an action piece and need to be much tighter. I think if you gave yourself a target of cutting out say 200 words, the story would be a whole lot better. That might sound like a lot, but it's a great discipline. Let me go through a couple of sections, to help.


The title is fine. The first sentence is good too. Then we hit a flabby bit.


*I’d ended up with the graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it I suppose. The graveyard shift is often quite boring, but it does have its moments sometimes. I didn’t know it, but this was about to be one of those times.*


"well" and "I suppose" are doing the same job. They convey grudging acceptance. You don't want to emphasize it, so just cut out "I suppose". The next clause tells me something about the graveyard shift – it's boring. But you used graveyard shift earlier, and you can often get rid of weak "noun was adjective" constructions, by moving the adjective before the noun. In this case, as the noun's repeated, we can shift the adjective into the first phrase and delete the clause. Your last sentence in this paragraph is a second introduction. Your line about the visitor already did that, and it isn't necessary to prepare me, so it goes. It's now:


*I’d ended up with the boring graveyard shift that week. Well, someone has to do it, and occasionally it has its moments.*


That's cut out 23 words (only 177 to go). Every word has to count, and too many of yours don't. Every sentence, ditto.


The next type of thing I'd look to cut out are weakening adjectives and phrases. Things like "about", and "nearly". (My weakening word is "just" and I have to search and delete them whenever I tidy up.) Let me give a prime example for you.


*She said something a bit odd and in a rather odd accent, about then.*


She doesn't say something odd, she says something a bit odd. It's not an odd accent, it's a rather odd accent. In what way do "a bit" and "rather" change things? To me it means you are prevaricating. It's as though you feel you are going to be challenged on the oddness so you want to give yourself wiggle room – well, I only said it was a bit odd. It's your story! If you say it's odd, it's odd!


While I'm on that paragraph, the order of what you were saying struck me as inverted.


*Helmet off, the newcomer was revealed to be female; or at least if not, one of the best trannies ever. Face straight off a fashion mag cover, and gorgeous blonde hair disappearing under the armour.*


I feel it would be stronger as


*Face straight off a fashion mag cover, and gorgeous blonde hair disappearing under the armour. If that wasn't all woman, he was the best tranny ever.*


As well as prevaricating words, consider whether you want distancing ones. For example,


*I heard some screaming myself – it sounded like a woman*


You start out establishing the constable telling his story, but his is the only POV. The narrative is his words, so saying "I heard" becomes unnecessary. What else would he do with a scream? Later you use "looking as though". These distance the reader from the action. You can state it as fact: A woman's scream came from an alley....


I hope you find some of these ideas useful. It's your story and my opinions are just one reader's, so if you don't agree, ignore them!


Good luck with it.

 

[barrett1987]

JonH is giving some really great advice here I don't have time for a full crit but i just thought i'd second what he said. Each word needs to matter. When you write something, edit it for common sense to the story and grammar THEN go through it and cut words down.

What you will be left with is the same story in much less wordage

 

[Mirannan]

JonH - Don't mind in the least. Wordiness is a fault of mine that I'm having trouble eradicating.

To all - Points taken. Version 3 enroute! As well as making it tighter I might be able to add a bit more within the crits post length limit.