First Draft of opening of Steel Eye (short story 926 words)

[ralphkern]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them in the tiny viewport. To Emma Grants practiced eye she could see a hundred and one sights that were distinct and unique to Earths neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space as it passed into view. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. She never would, that was not her job. Achilles was here simply proving that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back.

‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the Pre-ignition checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go home Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her and moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue, CRTs and valves of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.


They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming.

‘Roger that Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the engine would fire, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit they were in.

The clock ticked down and at the appointed time a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from is long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice reeling off a list of failures.

‘S**t. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronauts normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’

Grants mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the Earth Return Engine must have been holed and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.

‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view-port sickeningly, getting faster and faster.

He pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would of, should of, got them home.

Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.

Without any more warning than it had already given the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape those shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.

After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.
‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’

 

[JoanDrake]

This is extremely well written, very clear and sounds very genuine. The only thing I'd do is eliminate that very last sentence. It's good, it fits and it's probably exactly what he'd say, but it's also about the biggest cliché in the English language. If you would forgive a suggestion I just can't resist, my own advice is to have them say nothing, to be totally absorbed in the situation and then have Houston break in on them. Maybe even say "This is Houston, do we have a problem?" or somesuch.

OTOH that's probably just my jealousy at seeing such a great story.

I have one other technical question.I have less than no real knowledge of actual space capsule design but I was always told a very fundamental principle they followed was putting layers of redundancy into critical systems. They're depending on just one engine? They don't have a spare? ( I realize that's sort of like saying you should carry a spare engine in your car, but, well, there's really not that much of a weight limit to how big you can make something in space is there? Once you get it moving to begin with that is.)

But again, it's really well written, very clear and realistic sounding. You watched GRAVITY, didn't you?

 

[ralphkern]

Hi Joan

Thank you for your kind words. Very much made me blush!

I've identified three points in your critique which are major ones:

1. The last line is quite literally the only thing I can't change as it's part of the short story competition to have that line in there. Saying that I could maybe do some work around giving it a different twist than just a straight line of dialogue. Something that springs to mind is:

Maynard looked at Grant and said, "We have ourselves a HU-WHAP here.'

A HU-WHAP, Huston we have a problem. That's what they called it when something had gone seriously wrong....

Tidied up a bit of course, but at least takes that cliche, acknowledges it and uses it?

2. In terms of redundancy in the engine I think chances are they would have redundancy in the engine system itself and probably some kind of redundancy in the mission profile but not two engines. Besides I need the drama!

3. As it happens I saw gravity after I wrote this. Awesome film! I actually think I might need to change this story a bit based on it to avoid comparisons. I'm thinking of swapping the sexes, making them both males ( or females for that matter) or swapping roles. They are both supposed to be veteran astronauts in this story but Maynard is senior. Maybe make him a her and Grant a guy. It does screw with my ending a touch as I wanted it to end with the first person being on mars to be grant, a woman though but it's not a huge thing. I'm no feminist crusader or anything I just liked the idea. But thinking about it baxters Voyage had the same thing so maybe I will?

Again thanks for the kind words. Made me beam on a Sunday morning which doesn't happen often!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Funny, I've seen that last line used three different ways in two days...

A couple of grammatical things:

Possessive apostrophes are missing in places (get me, Chrispy, you have schooled me well ):

Emma Grant's practised eye ( she owns the eye)

And

Earth's neighbour, Mars

Also, a comma is needed in front of direct-address names (grammar pedants have a term for this, I'm sure)

Eg

"Roger that, Achilles."

For me, it was a little hard but that's a personal taste. It was well written, but because I don't read hard sci fi I won't comment on the science.

 

[ralphkern]

Thanks springs. I'll get on that. I really need to stop relying on the little green wiggly lines in word (or start writing at sensible hours when i'm actually awake)

Personal taste is personal taste so cheers for reading it through.

 

[Hex]

This is nice. For me the things that would improve it are:

(1) Sometimes the language could be a bit tighter (suggestions below)

(2) I found some of the technical detail in the middle section kind of dull. I get that hard science fiction likes its knobs and buttons etc but without any conflict or tension, it read to me as kind of uninteresting.

More detailed comments:

The second sentence could do with a tweak -- I don't think you need both "to Emma Grant's practiced eye" (springs is, of course, spot on with the need for a possessive apostrophe) and "she could see".

I'd suggest either, "She could see a hundred and one sights that were distinct and unique to Earth's neighbor..." or restructuring the sentence to start with "To Emma Grant's practiced eye..." (and then something explaining why only a practiced eye could see the sights).

Personally, I'd go for either "distinct" or "unique". In this context I'm not sure there's much difference in meaning. In general there might be space for a little tightening -- e.g. what does "as it passed into view" add? Surely that's implied?

"She never would, that was not her job." -- something stronger than a comma here? maybe a semi?

‘Let’s go home [,] Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her and moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console.[nice!]

Instead of the analogue, CRTs and valves of those venerable old spacecraft[comma?] this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.


They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming. [OK -- now I'm wondering what the point is. It's probably because I'm not a reader of hard science fiction, but why do I go on reading? Do you actually need this paragraph?]

‘Roger that [,]Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the engine would fire, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit they were in.

The clock ticked down and at the appointed time a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from [its] is long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice reeling off a list of failures. [that last sentence isn't a sentence, not that it matters since fragments are all fine]

‘S**t. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronaut[']s normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’

Grant[']s mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the Earth Return Engine must have been holed and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.

‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view-port sickeningly, getting faster and faster.

He pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would of, should of, got them home. [I know it's character voice, but I want to replace the 'of's with 'have's]

Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it. [I could do with one more tiny indication of stress from Grant -- something she can't control, like sweat?]

Without any more warning [than it had already given -- do you need?][,] the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone [something here -- an 'and' or some punctuation] they had no way to escape those shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.

After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.
‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’ [nice ]

 

[stephen.samuels]

I just wanted to add and say that I thought it was very well done indeed and I'd like to read the rest of it.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them in the tiny viewport. To Emma Grants practiced eye she could see a hundred and one sights that were distinct and unique to Earths neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space as it passed into view. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. This line is telling rather than showing. She never would, that was not her job. Achilles was here simply proving that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back. Maybe split this long 1st paragraph?

‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the Pre-ignition checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go home Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her and moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue, CRTs and valves of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.


They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming.

‘Roger that Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’ As an aside, with a twelve minute delay the usefulness of voice would be somewhat limited. They might as well send a text - a capability they'd surely have??

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the engine would fire, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit they were in.

The clock ticked down and at the appointed time a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from is long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice reeling off a list of failures.

‘S**t. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, You should translate ERE for the less knowledgeable readers an edge to the veteran astronauts normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’

Grants mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the Earth Return Engine must have been holed and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.

‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view-port sickeningly, getting faster and faster.

He pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would of, should of, got them home.
Good drama. Without the damaged engine, they still look doomed.
Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.

Without any more warning than it had already given the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape those shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.

After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.
‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’

There's a general lack of correct apostrophe punctuation here.
This is good stuff (especially for a first draft) and I'm pleased that your spaceship is in the touch-screen era. Well written and no technical howlers that I can spot.
The one thing that troubles me about such scenes is that there have been no manned missions out of earth orbit for the last 40+ years, and the unmanned probes are doing an increasingly good job. And they don't need a return ticket

 

[Ivanya]

I really enjoyed this! Great start, nice little character insights on Grant and interplay between both astronauts (you get a real sense they're fond of each other.) I didn't personally find that it was 'hard sci-fi' like some of the other readers, despite being more of a fantasy reader myself.

On the negative side - people have already mentioned the lack of apostrophes. There were two other things which struck me though:

They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming.

That part struck me as feeling a little off-theme. Maybe something more like 'they began to input commands via their screens', but that's just personal preference.

On the matter of the engine, would they not do system checks before firing it up? I know pilots have to do this prior to any flights, working off a checklist. You'd think if they were advanced enough to be in orbit of Mars, they'd be doing it, or some error message about fuel pressure levels might already have gone off so they never fired it up in the first place.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/Quote]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them

If they are in free fall how can it be 'above'? From a planetary POV it's below, from local perspective it's beside.

in the tiny viewport. To Emma Grants

Possessive apostrophe Grant's

practiced eye she could see

To her eye 'it was', not 'she could see'.

a hundred and one sights that were distinct and unique to Earths

Possessive apostrophe Earth's

neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space as it passed

Is that really 'passed' if it's appearing?

into view. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. She never would,

Comma splice.

that was not her job. Achilles was here simply proving

to prove?

that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back.

‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the Pre-ignition checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go home Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her

I suggest a comma here; I first read it as him moving her hand.

and moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue,

No need for this comma.

CRTs and valves

While sympathising with your Britishness I suggest 'vacuum tubes' like an American, as 'valves', not specified 'thermionic', (yeah, that's how I learnt electronics) can too easily be considered fluid control devices.

of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion

Not a criticism, but why is the 'Achilles' specified as an 'Orion', a proposed nuclear drive system?

could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.


They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming.

‘Roger that Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the engine would fire, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit they were in.

The clock ticked down and

Comma

at the appointed time

Comma

a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from is

it's

long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side.

If the viewports are, as suggested in other points, in the nose of the craft (away from the engine) the planet isn't visible in them until the craft starts tumbling.

A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice reeling off a list of failures.

Fragment

‘S**t. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronauts normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’

Grants

Grant's

mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but

Comma

this far from Earth

Comma

the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the Earth Return Engine must have been holed and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.

‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view-port sickeningly, getting faster and faster.

He pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would of, should of,

Would have, should have

got them home.

Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.

Without any more warning than it had already given the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There will be a layer of thermal insulation in the hull; the sound will be considerably more damped than iron sheet (yeah, the bits are harder than rain. And moving faster. But still).

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape those shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.

After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.
‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’

 

[ralphkern]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them in the tiny view port. To Emma Grant’s trained eye she could see a hundred and one sights that were unique to Earth’s neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. She never would; that was not her job. Achilles was here simply to prove that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back.

‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the Pre-ignition checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid the top of his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go home Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her and she moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue dials and CRTs of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.

They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming. To Maynard and Grant though, it told them Achilles was primed and ready to go.

‘Roger that, Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘Telemetry is green across the board. We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the Earth Return Engine would ignite, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit they were in and start them on the long journey home.

The clock ticked down and, at the appointed time, a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from its long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape them and begin heading home.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice began reeling off a list of failures.

‘****. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronaut’s normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’

Grant’s mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth, the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the engine must have a hole and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.
‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view port sickeningly, getting faster and faster. She felt like she was on a roller coaster, the G forces pushing her at angles she wasn’t used to.

Maynard pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would have, should have, got them home.

Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.

Without any more warning, the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape the shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.
After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.
[FONT=&quot]
‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’[/FONT]

 

[ralphkern]

Hi guys,

Once more a massive thank you for all your critiquing and positive comments. Every one of you has added something valuable. Not least that I'm a complete apostraphobe.

There's a massively limiting word count so I appreciate that I have to convey a lot of information quite efficiently here yet still maintain the drama. I've got to rescue them in a plausible way in just 4000 words!

To those that have suggested points in relation to the content as opposed to the grammar:

Cosmic Geoff: the text as opposed to the speech. I actually agree with you that the majority of information would be sent, probably directly to the computers. But I do think they would keep the human touch with a CAPCOM at home to talk to, time delay or not. I would just mean that communications are effectively voice memos sent back and forth (IMHO of course).

Ivanya: Ive added a bit about the systems being in the green to show they have checked them. In a 'pre' first draft I did play around with them going through a check list. To be honest it bored even me and i normally love that stuff. Hopefully just putting in that 'the systems are green (i might change that to nominal)' will sate those that would expect that.

Chrispenycate: The planet would, in my mind be visible in the viewport and I envisage they are 'upside down' relative to it, hence why it is above them. They are in Low Mars Orbit so it would loom quite large. In fact thinking about it as described later that would mean they were spinning pretty darn fast... I'll think about that a bit more.

I've adjusted the contrast of the Soyuz with the Orion a bit more in relation to the tech side of things.

A fellow geek in relation to the Orion! (For those wondering what we're talking about) yes the original concept from back in the 50's i think of an Orion was to detonate a load of nuclear bombs under a pusher plate to drive a space craft along. This is not that craft. The ship they are in is the Orion Multi-Purpose Crew Vehicle. The one that is essentially an evolution of the Apollo program. Its actually on the drawing board and undergoing testing to replace the shuttle as NASA's manned spacecraft with the ultimate goal of being incorporated into a Mars mission.

The actual structure of the spacecraft will be described in the next scene. But great spot Chris, you strike me as the kind of guy I could spend long hours geek talking with.

The noise of the debris strikes, again I agree. In the politest way Ive spent a while playing with describing different noises and ultimately decided I'm going to stick with what I have as the 'muffled patter' that I think it would actually sound like doesn't evoke the same level of danger that they are actually in as the more visceral noise of rain striking metal. I'm going with dramatic license on that one.

Anyway, revision are there to be re-ripped to shreds

 

[ralphkern]

BTW any thoughts on the gender of the two crew? I don't want this to seem like the 'straight to DVD' version of Gravity, so I am minded to change it.

 

[Gary Compton]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them in the tiny view port. To Emma Grant’s trained eye she could see a hundred and one sights that were unique to Earth’s neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. She never would; that was not her job. Achilles was here simply to prove that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back.

‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the Pre-ignition does this need to be capitalised? checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid the top of his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go homecomma Ems.’

Grant smiled back as he released her and she moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue dials and CRTs of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion thought the craft was Achilles? could damn near fly itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.

They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming. To Maynard and Grant though, it told them Achilles was primed and ready to go.

‘Roger that, Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘Telemetry is green across the board. We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’

At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the Earth Return Engine does return engine need to be capitalised? would ignite, lifting them away from the Low Mars Orbit again does Low and orbit need to be capitalised? For me it pulls you out of the story. they were in and start them on the long journey home.

The clock ticked down and, at the appointed time, a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from its long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape them and begin heading home.

The noise, when it came, was like Thor’s own hammer striking a church bell, nearly deafening. Dont like the simile - describe what they were hearing eg a low-pitched vibration came from the engine and as it reached full power the sound was deafening.The view of the world below seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice began reeling off a list of failures.

‘****. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronaut’s normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude should this be altitude? control.’

Grant’s mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth, the odds were that it would be bad.

‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the engine must have a hole and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.
‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the view port sickeningly, getting faster and faster. She felt like she was on a roller coaster, the G forces pushing her at angles she wasn’t used to.

Maynard pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased early repeat of ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would have, should have, got them home.

Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them like a Catherine wheel. again simile is lazy - describe what they are seeing There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.

Without any more warning, the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the sound of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. simile alert - describe the sound Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.

There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape the shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.
After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.

‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’ great last line LOL

This has the makings of a very good story. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

 

[Mr Orange]

ralph, i liked it except for one thing: I know it's kinda hard SF, but you're 1000 words into a 4000 words story and I don't care about the characters all that much... I know they're in trouble and could die, but I don't know what that means. Presumably Grant is your main character? if so, maybe have her touch a photo of her kids before the engines kick (or something less cliched and corny) so that I care if she gets out of this or not... and perhaps show a bit of fear or stress - give her some emotion

is free fall the right phrase to use? is a craft in orbit in free fall? thinking about it, i can see that it is, but i would personally use "zero gravity" here

also, i agree with Gary regarding the similes

 

[ralphkern]

The rust red surface of the world rolled above them in the tiny view-port. To Emma Grant’s trained eye she could see a hundred and one sights that were unique to Earth’s neighbor, Mars. Here was the huge bulge of Olympus Mons reaching into space. There was the vast angry wound of the Valles Marinas, a canyon that stretched across the surface. So many interesting things, so fascinating and so close. Grant was desperate to touch them, desperate to set her foot on the dusty surface, desperate to be the first. She never would; that was not her job. Achilles was here simply to prove that a spacecraft could enter orbit of Mars and then head home as part of the Ares program. Now, after a month of circling the planet, it was time to start the long journey back.


‘Houston, Achilles, we are ready to go with the pre-ignition checklist,’ Lee Maynard, the spacecraft commander said, snapping her out of her reverie. He reached across the instrument panels between them and laid the top of his hand across the back of hers and gave it a brief squeeze as he looked at her. ‘Let’s go home, Ems.’


Grant smiled back as he released her and she moved her own hand in that dreamy way of free-fall towards the control console. It was a far cry from her first two flights in the Russian Soyuz modules to the International Space Station. Instead of the analogue dials and CRTs of those venerable old spacecraft this cockpit was all touch screens and clean white panels. The Orion command module could damn near fly Achilles itself. Still, humans were not completely out of the loop. Yet.


They began touching the screens, telling the ship to get ready to go home. Graphics and indicators that would be indecipherable to anyone but them appeared in a rush of information that was near overwhelming. To Maynard and Grant though, it told them Achilles was primed and ready to go.


‘Roger that, Achilles,’ the crackly voice of their CAPCOM, Sandy, finally responded after twelve minutes. That was the unavoidable delay in two way communication when they were this far from home. ‘Telemetry is green across the board. We show you will be ready to fire the ERE at 181.12.4.36.’


At one hundred and eighty one days, twelve hours, four minutes and thirty six seconds into the mission the Earth return engine would ignite, lifting them away from the low Mars orbit they were in and start them on the long journey home.


The clock ticked down and, at the appointed time, a rumble started from behind Grant, the mighty engine waking from its long slumber. She began to feel herself being pressed back into the seat. The view at the front didn’t seem to change but Grant knew they were already fighting off the shackles of Mars’ gravity, striving to escape them and begin heading home.


The explosion, when it came, was nearly deafening. The view of the world above seemed to slew, sliding to one side. A hundred and one lights started flashing, error messages appearing on every screen. The Bitchin’ Betty, Achilles’ computer voice began reeling off a list of failures.


‘****. Looks like we have some kind of event in the ERE,’ Maynard said, pronouncing it eerie, an edge to the veteran astronaut’s normally calm voice. ‘It’s not cutting off. We have a slew. Whatever has happened out there has blown our attitude control.’


Grant’s mind flew through the possible failure modes. The engine was malfunctioning, badly. It was sending them into an uncontrollable spiral. God knew where they would end up but this far from Earth, the odds were that it would be bad.


‘Fuel levels are dropping fast, temperatures rising into the red,’ Maynard said as he glanced at the readouts. The main tank in the engine must have a hole and was spilling fuel out. He looked up at the physical handle above him, yellow and black striped warning stickers all over it.


‘Do it,’ Grant said, her voice so low it was a whisper as the red world slid in and out of the viewport sickeningly, getting faster and faster. She felt like she was on a roller coaster, the G forces pushing her at angles she wasn’t used to.


Maynard pulled the handle. Another bang came from behind and the pressure on them ceased. It ceased because he had jettisoned the damaged engine. The engine that would have, should have, got them home.


Maynard took control of the stick and stopped them rolling and yawing just as the ejected engine came into view, spiraling away from them. There was still a lance of flame from the huge nozzle at the rear of the cylindrical module and, as it rolled, they could see another geyser of crystals spraying out of the side of it.


Without any more warning, the engine exploded silently and Grant gave a sharp intake of breath as she heard a noise like the pinging of heavy rain striking a corrugated iron roof. Quickly it abated and the two looked at each other. Maynard slapped the alarms off. Silence fell and they listened intently for the hissing sound of air escaping into space.


There was none of the tell-tale noise of a hull breach, no rush of air, no instruments telling them that they had lost hull integrity. That was the upside. The downside was that with the ERE gone they had no way to escape the shackles of gravity that Mars had bound them in.


After a few moments Maynard pressed the com button on his arm rest.


‘Houston,’ he said. ‘We have a problem…’

 

[ralphkern]

Guys,

Once again thanks for the comments

i liked the similes, but its your anthology Gary. C'est La Vie. They're gone, except the last. Simply because that is probably the line ive played with most, and thats the only one ive managed that evokes the right image.

Attitude is right in this context. It's the direction theyre pointing in which is what they're worried about at that point. Altitude is the height above the surface, which whilst a concern (obviously) isn't a pressing one at that point. As it's direct speech and what he would say i've kept Attitude rather than swap it to 'directional control' or anything like that.

Mr Orange. As ever with these things i guess i have to balance the correct terminology with a common misconception (which you've self identified).

For me, reading this as a reader, saying zero gravity at that point would undermine the authors legitimacy. I feel both mean the same thing to the layman, so that base is covered, but to someone who nit picks that kind of thing zero g would be wrong. (For the F side of SFF readership, free fall is when a spacecraft is in low orbit around a planet. It is still just as much subject to gravity, it is only a few hundred miles above the surface, it merely constantly 'falls' around the planet, hence weightlessness)

In relation to the characterization... an awkward one. I definitely see what you're saying. I tell you what, i nearly have the next couple of thousand words done, they just need to be tidied up some. I'll post them when they are. If you still feel the same (along with general consensus of course) I'll do some work around that. But those parts are more character driven with more conversation etc in and bring out Grant and Maynards personalities more.

 

[ralphkern]

Also any opinion about surnames or first names?

I'm happy they would use first names in direct speech (they've been stuck together for the best part of 6 months by this point following what was likely years of training), but does referring them by their surnames detract, add or is indifferent in the descriptions?

 

[ralphkern]

Also reference the Orion thing.... tricky

The spacecraft is made up of three components (explained in the next part). The ERE (the engine) at the back, The Orion (the command and reentry module) and Endurance, which is a chunk they're mated to it at the front (which is what they live in when not in the Orion)

All together they form 'Achilles' which is the name of the spacecraft as a whole.

An analogy would be the International Space Station. Each module is named on that separately (Columbus, Destiny, Zarya etc) but all together they form the 'ISS'.

Again, i'll run with what i've got for the moment, as its explained a bit more in the next section and if it's still not clear i'll do something with it after that.