Game! Random item generator

[Victoria Silverwolf]

The Exo-Cosmic Orbiter, as its name implies, is a probe designed to bring back information from outside the universe we inhabit. Composed of non-quantum matter, it was created (if that term can be used at all for something that never existed in our own reality) in 2156 and launched in 2089. (Don't ask me how that works.) As far as getting back whatever it finds out there, well, not all the bugs have been worked out.

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Coins of sorrow

 

[Ihe]

A penny, a nickel, a dime, and two quarters. Sixty-six cents was all stingy Nigel Ryenbeck had on him when the strange beggar cursed his considerable fortune. Nigel was bankrupt by the end of that morning. He hung from the rafters of his expensive loft by nightfall. The cursed coins found their way back into circulation and dispersed all along the east coast, as cursed objects do, seeking out eager hands to spread the disease. Each Coin of Sorrow can ruin lives on its own, but it cannot take lives alone. So they resonate. They call each other out; gather in the same pocket. Once they reach the sixth victim, they disperse once again, until next time. And so the saying goes: "One for cinders, all five for cold ashes in burrow. For sixty-six Charon furrows the Styx, as the other two seek the twin third number. The math of Sorrow equals six souls with no morrow. You should've given to the beggar who asked to borrow."
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The Scale of Galimenedes

 

[chrispenycate]

Galimenedes the elder was the founder of the Mensurationists, a philosophical movement who believed that everything, to be real must be gradateable. He set out to generate reference values for all human activity, and some of his values, such as IQ, are still in use.

His wife left him as he attempted to make accurate measurements of sexual ectasy, earning her a 6.8 on the betrayal scale and ensuring that Galimenedes the younger inherited only the name, none of the genetic predisposition. He was rated 8.2 on the 'layabouts' scale, and earned his living playing pandura in a brothel. However, when the name of the scale comes only with the name, rather than what was being measured, it is invariably his musical scale for stringed instruments, based not on the pitch of the chord but the difficulty in producing it while inebriated that is referenced, rather than, say, the 'sketch funniness scale' which caused an 8.6 reading on the 'philosophers argumentitiveness scale' as to whether the dead parrot sketch outfunnied the booted gorilla (the drunken philosophers' sketch obviously being totally unfunny, agreed upon at 6.9).

Potifor's dilemma

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Potifor's dilemma: Philosophical conundrum first proposed by Professor Periwinkle Potifor of Princeton. Since this problem deals with the existential positiveness of negative nonentities, it is difficult to express in layperson's terms. Perhaps it is best analogized by the following dialogue:

"I'd like coffee without cream."

"We're all out of cream. Do you want it without milk?"

"No, I'll have it without half-and-half."

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Wheel rats

 

[sinister42]

Wheel rats were a briefly innovative solution to the age-old problem of having to replace all four tires at once on an all wheel drive vehicle. Wheel rats would be placed inside of each tire and would be trained to automatically patch any punctures with a special sticky solution that they would excrete from special glands that had been genetically engineered into their forepaws. Unfortunately, all wheel rats quickly suffocated and died upon placement into the tires, which rendered the whole experiment pointless and led to the expensive problem of having rat corpses bouncing around your tires, which then had to be replaced anyway because ew.

Cheese pants

 

[Ihe]

Come right up, come right up! Cheese pants for the adventurous gals and the peckish lads! For those intimate moments where you are aroused AND hungry. It's a self-explanatory pro-sexual item, as you can see. Have wipes at the ready. Things WILL get gloriously messy. Not safe for those of lactose-intolerant persuasion.
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The Nacho of Death

 

[Alex The G and T]

This is nacho garden variety of death, Homie. This is nacho ordinary hangin'. This is nacho reg'lar shooting', this is nacho ninjer garroting'. This is nacho daily freeway, road rage slammin' and bammin'.

This is yo Nacho of Death, Gangsta; prepare to meech yo Taquerista!


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The SIM card of the illuminati.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

The SIM card of the illuminati allows the members of that secret society to communicate with each other via the so-called "negative net" (which is much more secure than the "dark net" associated with criminal activities.) In the unlikely event that such a card falls into the wrong hands, it alerts its controllers, infects the unauthorized device with a virus which completely destroys all data contained therein, and destroys itself.

There's a reason why those smart phones caught fire.

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The slow trees