Synopsis - need help identifying genre

[AnyaKimlin]

I had promised myself I would critique more before I posted it but this is driving me bonkers. I've had my head down with this for six months and I'm trying to get it polished and ready to submit over the next month. Would it be mystery/fantasy?

For a title at present it is The Cuckoo in Black's Nest. I'd like to change it because of the new Robert Galbraith/JK Rowling book but my only alternative is Old Cobb (I'm rubbish at titles). Its working title was Scary Fairies. .Given the orientation of Ian the latter might be unwise.

Short synopsis for query letters:
Retired senior police officer, Ian Black sets out to prove his grandson innocent of murder. During the investigation Ian uncovers a world of angry fairies, angrier demons and demon hunters on strike. With his family in danger, Ian’s fury is unleashed on all of them.
 

One Page Synopsis:
Retired detective and father of five sons, Ian Black is calcifying in retirement. His days are taken up chatting to the rest of Umber Bridge’s blue rinse brigade and helping take care of his grandchildren. At only sixty-eight he cuts a scruffy and pathetic figure around town. His lover, Wilfred Fischer, is concerned and his children humour him. He’s stood in a queue at the baker’s trying not to discuss the finer points of Mrs Arbuthnot’s hysterectomy when he feels a soul crushing fear that won’t leave him. Are his once renowned gut instincts working overtime or is he descending into senility? Ian can’t decide.

The Duke of Pennshire is a powerful demon who has a pact with the fairy king. If he sacrifices his youngest child every forty years he can retain his immortality. Those forty years will be up on the 21st of June but he has a problem, the promiscuous duke doesn't know who his youngest child is. DNA tests by the Duke reveal that Ian’s five month old great-grandson is the youngest child and the one destined for the sacrifice. When Ian takes his great-grandsons for a walk through the park the duke follows them. This act awakens dormant demon hunter powers that Ian has inherited from his father.

Ian’s adult grandson is in a relationship that is characterised by domestic abuse; his wife beating him. It is one of the worst cases Ian has seen. Fearful for his young great-grandsons Ian gives his grandson an ultimatum, leave her or he will go for custody. That night his grandson’s wife is murdered and his infant great-grandson goes missing. His grandson is the prime suspect and convinced he is being framed, Ian sets out to prove his innocence.

His investigation uncovers long buried secrets about his family’s calling as demon hunters. Forty years ago his father failed to protect the Duke of Pennshire’s youngest child and she was sacrificed. In order to avoid the responsibility he inherited Ian’s older brother joined the priesthood. Ian is approached by the wealthy Earl of White-Bay who offers Ian the resources usually only available to ordained demon hunters. With the knowledge and witches now at his disposal Ian summon's the fairy queen. She is disgusted that a mere mortal would dare but agrees to rein in her consort and promises Ian all will be well. But she double crosses him with the Duke and promises to honour her husband’s agreement. The revelations expose cracks in his relationship and Ian parts company with Wilf after thirty-seven years.

There is a confrontation in fairy glen, the site of the sacrifice. With the help of all his sons and his former lover Ian injures the duke; rescues his great-grandson and takes ownership of the fairy-queen’s diamond of power. He now owns her and she can only enter the mortal realm at his command.

In confession to Ian’s brother his grandson admits the murder of his wife but because of Ian’s investigation he is free. Unable to face his grandfather he leaves; a letter begs Ian to take care of his children.

Over dinner the Earl of White-Bay offers Ian the position of head demon-hunter. The thrill of the investigation has given Ian a fresh purpose in life and he accepts. For the first time in years he wakes up in the morning looking forward to the future. He cannot envisage entering his new life alone and he reconciles with his lover. Ian proposes marriage and Wilf accepts.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Interestimg synopsis. This would seem to fit into the currently popular sub-genre of "urban fantasy" (although yours is much more original than the countless novels out there about young, sexy, female vampire hunters.)

 

[ctg]

I'd say your genre is definitely Urban Fantasy and mixing demons in the play will make it in my mind Dark Urban Fantasy, but then you have murders in the play, so you can probably drop Crime at the beginning.

So, put Crime/Dark Urban Fantasy below the word count and the submissions editors know where to slot your work.

 

[jastius]

occult mystery or detective fantasy would be my guess.. why couldn't you call it that fae word for cuckoo, a changeling.. something clever to use it would be a riff off the dylan piece like 'the times they are a changling' but that is kind of cutesy.. 'fae to Black' i must have had too much sugar tonight.. ummm.. 'the Anvil' because a blacksmith etc.. 'hobgoblins and harrowshares' ... 'shadow's child' ...
wait.. or what about from T.S.Elliot? 'the hollowmen' ... that title always creeped me out.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

The Cuckoo doesn't mean changeling in this case more interloper. There's more than one.

Old Cobb is Ian he has an affinity with the old swan in the park

So Dark Urban Fantasy with crime element should cover it. Thanks.
.

 

[Mouse]

To be honest, I'd just called it Urban Fantasy. UF is usually pretty dark and a hell of a lot of it has the crime thing going on too.

 

[Hex]

I really like the sound of this, Anya. Fairy queens and demons = absolutely the sort of thing I enjoy.

So, I think this does the job of making the story attractive (which is the job it should do). I have some details to pick on (of course).



Short synopsis for query letters:
Retired senior police officer, Ian Black sets out to prove his grandson innocent of murder. During the investigation Ian uncovers a world of angry fairies, angrier demons and demon hunters on strike. With his family in danger, Ian’s fury is unleashed on all of them.
 
You could fit in a little more with a "When" construction, e.g. "When retired senior police officer, Ian Black, sets out to prove his grandson innocent of murder, he uncovers a world of...."

"With his family in danger, Ian's fury is unleashed on all of them." is the weakest line. It's a bit vague (what do you mean his "fury is unleashed"? Haven't you already said his family's in danger?). Plus, isn't this sentence kind of suggesting Ian's fury is unleashed on his family (though the context makes it clear it isn't, it might be worth avoiding ambiguities like that in a query?)

I'm hopeless at queries but I think this is a bit short for the sort of query letter that US agents ask for. There are lots of good examples in Query Letter Hell on Absolute Write, and of course the fabulous Query Shark.


One Page Synopsis:
Retired detective and father of five sons, Ian Black is calcifying in retirement. His days are taken up chatting to the rest of Umber Bridge’s blue rinse brigade and helping take care of his grandchildren. At only sixty-eight he cuts a scruffy and pathetic figure around town. His lover, Wilfred Fischer, is concerned and his children humour him. He’s stood [standing, I think, not stood. Voice is great but I wouldn't risk non-standard English in a synopsis -- though I am pathetically cowardly. What I really wanted to say is: This is a killer intro sentence. The stuff before it isn't half as funny or involving. Would it work if you skipped from the first sentence right to this one? And does it matter for the synopsis that he has five sons? You don't need to say he's hanging out with oldies, because this sentence says it.] in a queue at the baker’s trying not to discuss the finer points of Mrs Arbuthnot’s hysterectomy when he feels [feels is sort of neutral -- is overwhelmed by?] a soul[-]crushing fear that won’t leave him. Are his once[-]renowned gut instincts working overtime or is he descending into senility? Ian can’t decide.

The Duke of Pennshire is a powerful demon [do you need 'powerful'?] who has a pact with the fairy king. If he sacrifices his youngest child every forty years he can retain his immortality. Those forty years will be up on the 21st of June [why is the date relevant?] but he has a problem,[:] the promiscuous duke doesn't know who his youngest child is. DNA tests [by the Duke <-- don't think you need]reveal that Ian’s five month old great-grandson is [the youngest child and <-- don't think you need] the one destined for [the <-- don't think you need] sacrifice. When Ian takes his great-grandsons for a walk through the park[,] the duke follows them. This act ['This act' is a bit clunky. Could have: "...the duke follows them, awakening the demon hunter powers Ian inherited from his father"?] awakens dormant demon hunter powers that Ian has inherited from his father.

Ian’s adult grandson is in a relationship that is characterised by domestic abuse [why not just "abusive relationship"?] his wife beating him. It is one of the worst cases Ian has seen. Fearful for his young great-grandsons[,] Ian gives his grandson [I think you should name the grandson, possibly also the baby who's going to be sacrificed] and then this paragraph would be clearer] an ultimatum,[:] leave her or he will go for custody [what does "go for custody" mean if he's no longer a police officer? Also, I wonder if Ian's role here is really relevant to the story. Why does it matter that Ian threatens him with the police? What matters is the abuse gives the grandson a motive for murder]. That night his grandson’s wife is murdered and his infant great-grandson goes missing. His grandson is the prime suspect and convinced he is being framed, Ian sets out to prove his innocence.

His investigation uncovers long buried secrets about his family’s calling as demon hunters. Forty years ago his father [I'd like a little more about the father -- why doesn't Ian already know this stuff?] failed to protect the Duke of Pennshire’s youngest child and she was sacrificed. In order to avoid the responsibility he inherited[,] Ian’s older brother joined the priesthood. [new paragraph] Ian is approached by the wealthy Earl of White-Bay who offers Ian the resources usually only available to ordained demon hunters. [if this is the Earl of White-Bay's only appearance, I wonder if you need to mention him?] With the knowledge and witches now at his disposal Ian summon's [no apostrophe]the fairy queen. She is disgusted that a mere mortal would dare [to do what? and does that mean demon hunters aren't normally mortal? also, I think a comma would be good here] but agrees to rein in her consort [and promises Ian all will be well. <-- don't think you need] But she double crosses him with the Duke and promises to honour her husband’s agreement. [things getting a bit dense here. Could you simplify?] The revelations expose cracks in his relationship and Ian parts company with Wilf after thirty-seven years. [I'm not sure this sentence belongs here -- unless the revelations are something to do with the double-crossing Fairy Queen?]

There is a confrontation in fairy glen, the site of the sacrifice. With the help of all his sons and his former lover[,] Ian injures the duke;[comma, not semi] rescues his great-grandson and takes ownership of the fairy-queen’s [I don't think you hyphenated fairy queen before] diamond of power. He now owns her and she can only enter the mortal realm at his command.

In confession to Ian’s brother[,] his grandson admits the murder of his wife but because of Ian’s investigation he is free. Unable to face his grandfather[,] he leaves; a letter begs Ian to take care of his children. [I don't know if this is relevant to the main plot -- is it?]

Over dinner [,] the Earl of White-Bay [okay -- he does come back. Then above I'd like a suggestion of who he is and what he wants] offers Ian the position of head demon-hunter. The thrill of the investigation has given Ian a fresh purpose in life and he accepts. For the first time in years he wakes up in the morning looking forward to the future. He cannot envisage entering his new life alone and he reconciles with his lover. Ian proposes marriage and Wilf accepts. [awww]

I wonder if there's a little imbalance in this. You spend a while at the start setting up the situation but then the dramatic events towards the end feel a bit skimmed over.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks Hex - I'm feeling good about this one. I'm worried about using too many names in the synopsis. Should I just take Wilf out of it? I only put him in because the ending seemed a bit wet without him. Wilf is the son of the fairy-queen and king but has been exiled/excommunicated from the fairy realm. He gave up his immortality for Ian but Ian doesn't see that he just sees the deception.

Do these two paragraphs work better?


Retired detective, Ian Black is standing in the queue at the baker’s, trying not to discuss Miss Arbuthnot’s hysterectomy, when he is invaded by a soul crushing fear that he cannot shake. Are his once renowned gut instincts working overtime or is he descending into senility? Ian cannot decide.

And (by custody I meant custody of the children)
Harley Black, Ian’s adult grandson is being abused by his wife. It is one of the worst cases of domestic abuse that Ian has ever seen and he is fearful for his great-grandsons. He gives Harley an ultimatum: either he leaves his wife or Ian will remove the children from their care. This interaction sets in motion a series of events that result in the death of Harley’s wife and the disappearance of the youngest great-grandson, Tyke (Oliver Black). The police have one suspect, Harley. Convinced his grandson is being framed Ian sets out to prove his innocence.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

This any better or worse?

Retired detective, Ian Black is standing in the queue at the baker’s, trying not to discuss Miss Arbuthnot’s hysterectomy when he is invaded by a soul crushing fear that he cannot shake. Are his once renowned gut instincts working overtime or is he descending into senility? Ian cannot decide.

The Duke of Pennshire is the most powerful demon in the UK. He has a pact with the fairy-king to retain his immortality; the price demanded is the sacrifice of his youngest child every forty years. The date for the next one is fast approaching but the promiscuous duke does not know who his youngest child is. DNA tests reveal that the one destined for the sacrifice is Ian’s infant great-grandson, Tyke (Oliver Black).

Harley Black, Ian’s adult grandson is being abused by his wife. It is one of the worst cases of domestic abuse that Ian has ever seen and he is fearful for his great-grandsons. He gives Harley an ultimatum: either he leaves his wife or Ian will remove the children from their care. This interaction sets in motion a series of events that result in the death of Harley’s wife and the disappearance of Tyke. The police have one suspect, Harley. Convinced his grandson is being framed Ian sets out to prove his innocence.

The investigation reveals that Ian’s father was the demon hunter who failed to protect the Duke’s previous sacrifice. After the child’s death Ian’s father did everything he could to prevent his sons from discovering the calling that had dominated Black family history for four hundred years. Close proximity to the duke awakens Ian’s dormant powers.

Ian is introduced to the wealthy, renegade son of the fairy-king who offers him the resources only normally made available to ordained demon hunters. He now has academics, technology and a paranormal army available to him. With the help of a couple experienced witches he becomes the first mortal to ever summon the fairy-queen to the Earthly realm. The queen is disgusted that he would dare to command her but she agrees to rein in her consort and assures Ian all will be well. But she double crosses him and renews the agreement with the demon duke.

At the head of the army he marches to the fairy glen, the traditional site of the sacrifice. The confrontation is bloody and there are losses on both sides. But Ian saves Tyke and wounds the duke. He also locates the fairy-queen’s diamond of power which makes her his slave. For the first time in four hundred years a member of the Black family prevents the sacrifice and the now mortal duke escapes to lick his wounds.

The thrill of the battle has rejuvenated Ian and when he is offered the position of head demon hunter he accepts.

 

[tinkerdan]

I like this story but had a few issues that are probably just me.

[Retired detective, Ian Black is standing in the queue at the baker’s, trying not to discuss Miss Arbuthnot’s hysterectomy when he is invaded by a soul crushing fear that he cannot shake.]

If I were in line trying not to discuss Miss Arbuthnot's hysterectomy I'd have just that same soul crushing fear, though I'm not clear that it would be the way you meant this to be read here.

I'm being ridiculous here but there is a point: the gutting you preformed on this synopsis has caused me to come back with too many gaps in the story and plot line. Do you really want to confuse the people you are trying to sell this to?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Naturally my intention is not to confuse but it would be helpful to know where you feel the gaps are and where you find it confusing otherwise I cannot do anything about fixing it?

 

[tinkerdan]

Perhaps I should have started with I like some elements of this story.

I admit it was mostly my laziness that prevented me from specifics, plus a rather poor connection with the server for the forum.

Either way, you are an excellent writer and I was hoping that at best I would send you back to read both versions and see for your self or at least say I was all mucked up in the head.

As it is now, this synopsis doesn't contain enough information, or perhaps too much information and not enough important information. I'm very unclear what the main plot is in the sense that it seems all over the place. My understanding is that a synopsis should be a tight telling of the whole main plot while displaying some of your vast writing talent, and I could be all wrong about that: I'd be the first to admit.

As it is what I think I see is:
The fairy king has some relationship with the duke that allows him to kidnap and abuse children. It's difficult to say if the queen is involved in this or not; as it almost seems that when she renews her agreement it implies she might have had some issues. Or maybe she just is upset that Ian has tried to control her and she never was in for all this child abuse or maybe she was.This is all unclear to me.

Next there is the puzzle of the linked family connections Ian's grandson's wife seems to have had some relationship to the duke which is very unclear other than an offspring, if I understand this correctly. Also unclear is whether Ian or his grandson know this. What is their feeling about this if they do. If they don't know what will be their feeling about it and the great-grandson when they find out. Ian also seems to have some connection to the duke left mostly unexplained.

I'm assuming here that the main plot involves Ian and so we need to know where he is at and where he is going in the story and how he will end up. Which is sort of here. But his feelings and his obstacles and shortcomings and strengths are missing. Again it seems this great-grandson is important to Ian, but we don't know what he does know about the relationship with the duke. That he's only a great-grandson by name and that's only if I understand this correctly. For all I know right now Ian's involvement in finding the great-grandson might be only to exonerate his grandson. His feelings for his great-grandson and his knowledge of his great-grandson's connection to the duke seem to be very important to this story and I don't fully grasp those feeling might be.

The renegade son of the fairy-king seems to be out to get his mother and father by assisting the demon hunter.

In the last lines we know that being a demon hunter seems important, although it was not so important to Ian's father; who gave it up. We have no clue how he gets appointed or who he works for as the demon hunter and from this we only know he should be protecting the sacrifice that goes to the fairy king. But in my confusion, for all that I know his father may have been working for the duke or against him. It just isn't clear to me.

With all this information, there seem to be mostly questions left unanswered, which might be fine for a blurb of something the real final reader might see. My understanding is that this synopsis is not for that group, but for someone who is has been asked to hear your story and you've said would you like the long or the short version. His answer is,'Give me the short version and we'll see if I want to hear the long one.' He wants the whole story in short form with the mysteries all laid out eviscerated for his examination. I'm assuming too much mystery left unsolved might be a bad thing.

I hope, if anything, my confusion is a bit clearer to you. What I'm looking for is the plot that drives Ian from complacency to his final better self and his feelings and reactions to the events that drive him from here to there with all the necessary plot twists and turns fully revealed if they have to be mentioned at all.

I may be asking for too much. But I want the shortest version of a full story in the synopsis.


As always, feel free to toss this in the trash if it remains unhelpful.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I never disregard any readers' views they are all helpful even the ones that initially leave me wondering. Whilst I am trying the UK market they will also have the three chapters which will give a good indication of Ian's character. But i'll try to get more of his intense desire to protect his family in which is his main driving force. My favourite things to write seems to be family trees that resemble a large, unkempt and very thorny bush. Its kind of Buffy/Torchwood with an OAP and his cobbled together family.

I've only got around 500-700 words to sum up the story so I'm not sure I'll get it all in however hard I try. There is a huge cast and I can't really sum up his feelings about Tyke without introducing the family which consists of five sons, (four still living but Harley's father's suicide is part of the plot) one son of Wilf's, his mother, the wives/partners and grandchildren/step-grandchildren.

Ian's wife wasn't exactly faithful (neither was he, he had Wilf on the side) and didn't use contraception much. He married her knowing she was pregnant with his brother's child (this was 1964 before the abortion act and the pill was only prescribed to married women - Ian and Wilf were still illegal). Another one of his son's also belongs to his brother. His third son is the son of the duke which he discovers during the story. (there were several candidates for the duke's youngest child and Ian has connections to three of them. The other is the duke's legitimate heir whose aunts are hiding and who is in a relationship with Wilf's son) Maybe I can get Ian's line about Peter (his/the duke's son) and Tyke when he confronts the duke he is clear they are his and if they need a kidney he can rip it out of the duke. Only two of the six boys (seven if you include Harley who they raised from a baby) that Wilf and Ian raised together were actually fathered by Ian. Wilf only fathered one of them.

The main plot is Ian going from scruffy old man to demon hunter but that happens because of two major plots the death of his granddaughter-in-law and the disappearance of his great-grandson.

His partner Wilf is brother to the renegade fairy. They were both exiled from the Fairy Realm for organising an almost successful revolution they wanted it to become a republic. That's the revelation that breaks him and Wilf up - the fact that Wilf not only knew about everything but he had recruited three of Ian's sons as well.

Ugh ok time to think. Maybe more of Ian's passion running through it would help.

 

[Mirannan]

Regarding the title, you might find it easier to get away with it if you use the old spelling: "Scary Faeries".

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I still think it might be a tad unPC given my main character Who my best friend did class as a scary fairy but he didn't mean the winged kind.