The Preacher's Knife, review please Chpt 1

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
Chapter 1

Pushing back the left side of my knitted coat, I revealed the cross draw rig slung low cavalry style on my hip. The reversed holster and curved butt end of the pistol glinted, reflecting the overhead street lamps. Also glinting sharply in the light was my marshal’s badge.

I considered briefly whether I should pull out the large iron but decided against it. I knew the man holed up in the house. This part of Denver was not as rich as some, but it also wasn’t on the frontier. It was well enough to do section that it had lights and I didn’t want to have to listen to my boss chew my ass out again about drawing my weapon when I didn’t need to. I could already hear his gruff speech in my head.

“Discretion Marshal Mollon, this isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood.”

“Minor,” I called out, loud and friendly like. “This isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up. Why don’t you just toss out your weapons and surrender into my custody?”

At first nothing came forth from the old house that had seen better days. Then a heavy clanking followed by a rattle like someone tripping over a pot-bellied stove and had knocked something off it.

“Isss that you M..Marshal Mollon?” A voice called out near one of the broken window panes.“Iiis not going anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong.”

I shook my head in exasperation, hearing the drunken slurred words.

"Them men’s, Marshal, they had it coming. Theyy needed someone to ssshut their mouths, they were speaking bad to the ladies.”

I turned back to the two local lawmen, pushed back the brim of my stetson and said, “He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen.”

The two local cops shook their heads disbelievingly. The older, more seasoned one said, “He killed some of those he claimed he did nothing to Marshal. He cut four more within inches of their lives with a rune blade.”

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly and I saw his fingers tighten around the grip of the pistol he had already drawn. Apparently the men who had been killed must have been acquaintances of his.

“He also killed one,” growled the second lawman, “with magic, he did Marshal. Turned him to ash with an electrical glyph and he’s refusing to lower his defenses so that we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law that way.”

The first cop gave his partner a pointed look. “And all of the witnesses said it was self defense Officer Payton. Most said if he hadn’t used that defensive glyph, he would be dead himself.” The second cop grunted but slid his sidearm back into its holster and removed his hand.

Sighing, I directed my attention back towards the beaten down house. “One of these cops says you did, Minor, one says you didn’t. Why don’t I come up there and we’ll talk about it, all gentlemanly like?”

“Iiis dunno, Kailen, I mean Marshal.”

I turned back to the more sensible local lawman. “You said you had witnesses?”

“Yes, Marshal, they all said he did no wrong and was provoked into defending himself.”

Turning again to the old house I shouted,“I believe we should, Minor. I need to hear your side. One officer here believes the witnesses. I want to be able to convince the second, before he shoots you or puts you in front of a magical killing squad. I’m coming up.”

“M..Marshal, I’ss don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’ss don’t want any harm to come to you.”

Ignoring the comment, and the stares from the two locals, I started up the walk. As I reached the edge of porch I felt them. Several strong wards flared to life around the house. Power radiated from them in a pulsing wave and they should have repelled me, or at least knocked me back onto the sidewalk, if they could have touched me.

A ripple of silver light flashed from the five pointed Marshal’s star on my chest and like oil sliding over water, I felt the wards magic pass around me.

The power in the wards was a testament to Minor’s past life before he had fallen apart and had become what he was now.

Not sure what kind of glyphs Minor might have drawn on the door, and being that glyphs were stronger than wards, I gathered my own magic and sent out a faint trickle of power. As my magical senses began tracing the door,several white hot lights burst to life on the surface. One for fire and another for electricity. I changed the intensity of my magic, and made it into a breaking. A snap, pop and hiss filled the air, then the glyphs faded away.

Opening the door, I carefully stepped inside.

Minor’s life had changed when his wife and children had died during an Indian, elven raid a few years ago. Grief, remorse, alcohol and bad decisions had crushed the will and motivation of a man who had once been one of the best traders and creators of magical trinkets in the Colorado territory.

Immediately I saw that the house was a wreck. Several months worth of dirt and left over food remains covered the wooden floor. Ripped leather covered the expensive chairs,and what looked like claw marks scored several of the wooden tables. Studying what I was seeing, I found myself wondering as I looked at the jagged cuts if Minor had acquired some sort of pet. A fur carpet lay on the floor and for the life of me I couldn’t tell what color it was supposed to be.

Minor’s once opulent attire now looked like the worn out grimy rags of a street hobo. His black hair was streaked with grey and hung lank and listless over his haggard looking face. His large and powerfully built body had become emaciated to the point that it looked almost like something had been eating at him from the inside.

Cold light emanated from one of his hands, a silver sheen that would have been impossible to see unless you were one who was attuned to magic. I was, so I assumed that it had to be the rune knife he had used earlier.

The smell of blood filled the air with a sickly metallic smell and a sudden burst of adrenaline based fear coursed through me leaving an icy cold filling my veins. Out of old habit, I looked about for a corpse or a sacrifice. Seeing nothing of the sort, I glanced again to Minor. He didn’t look at all like the same man I had seen the last time we had met.

Something else was also wrong with the room besides the blood smell. Velour curtains covered the windows, but they were open. The street lamps outside barely lit the interior, a room that I sensed shouldn’t have been so dark. A pall of blackness seemed to emanate from…

Before I had even realized what I was doing, I sent out a faint trickle of magic, probing again. The hairs on the back of my neck curled tight. I felt a sense, a sense of …

Hell No!

The words crossed my brain before I could stop them. It’simpossible. My hand snaked out,wrapping about the handle of my peacemaker. It was out of its holster before I even registered the movement and leveled in Minor’s direction, the sight fixed on a point right between his eyes.

Reaching out tentatively with my senses, I poked about the room. I did not need my magic to make contact with what I sensed. What I was afraid I already knew was here.

The silver star on my chest had protected me from Minor’s earlier wards and glyphs but no man was immune to what I knew Minor was clutching in his white knuckled fist.

Damn,I cursed silently, trying not to stare at Minor’s hand. God damn!

“Minor,” I said carefully and calmly, drawing in a hard breath, trying to hide anxiety from creeping into my voice, “please put that knife down, it’s dangerous.”

As if on cue, Minor lifted the knife and I saw the slight red stain running along its keen edge.

I stared at it, transfixed by the almost living line of blood on the edge of the blade. A shiver of spear ran down my spine like a drop of ice cold water. The damn thing shouldn’t exist, at least not anymore.

The ruby gracing the hilt of the dagger glittered a black icy cold, looking just like its creator’s raven colored eyes.

The damn jewel should have been red, it couldn’t be black, not anymore, it was impossible.

Tobias was going to hate this. I heard my boss’s growling voice again in my mind. “Dang it Marshal Mollon, I thought you finished this last time!”

The stone had been red once but blood oath magic had changed it. Now it held a part of its maker’s soul in it and that gave the stone its black color and sentient awareness.

It should not be black though, it was impossible.

I didn’t have to see the crucifix etched into the stone’s face to know who had made it, I had killed its maker. The iron hilt was engraved with ancient blood runes that glowed a slightly reddish tinge. Silvered steel formed the eight inch long serrated blade that was always used over time for blood sacrifices.
 
You're using too many qualifiers to start your phrases (Also, then, at first, etc.). You also tend to be a bit passive at times. I used to have the same problem in my own writing, but it's something that can be easily fixed if you know where to look for it. Check out your first sentence, for instance:

Pushing back the left side of my knitted coat, I revealed the cross draw rig slung low cavalry style on my hip.

This would be a much more powerful sentence if you started it with something more direct. Try to begin with the past perfect tense when you can, as starting with a progressive phrase makes your writing seem weak. Instead, try this:

I pushed back the left side of my coat, revealing the cross draw rig slung low-cavalry style on my hip.

This sort of thing is good to be aware of no matter what you're doing, but it is especially important if you're writing in first person.
 
Agree with Esfires here. You've got the potential, but the execution needs a little fine tuning. First person, imho, can get away with being far more direct with descriptions and detail, unlike the need to be aware of the 'eagle eye' in 3rd person.
 
Chapter 1

Pushing back the left side of my knitted coat, I revealed the cross draw rig slung low cavalry style on my hip. The reversed holster and curved butt end of the pistol glinted, reflecting the overhead street lamps. Also glinting sharply in the light was my marshal’s badge.
I have no idea what a cross draw rig is and I suspect I won’t be the only person with this problem, I fixed it with Google. The light glinting off the gun was fine, but why repeat the image with the Marshals badge? So not the smoothest opening line for me, but the idea got my interest.

I considered briefly whether I should pull out the large iron but decided against it. I knew the man holed up in the house. This part of Denver was not as rich as some, but it also wasn’t on the frontier. It was a well enough to do section that it had lights and I didn’t want to have to listen to my boss chew my ass out again about drawing my weapon when I didn’t need to. I could already hear his gruff speech in my head. – For me, the thoughts below just before the dialogue and actions don’t work, more so when the thoughts are hinted at very nicely in this paragraph.

“Discretion Marshal Mollon, this isn’t Dodge City or Deadwood.”

“Minor,” I called out, loud and friendly like. “This isn’t worth the fight you’re going to get if you keep this up. Why don’t you just toss out your weapons and surrender into my custody?”

At first nothing came forth from the old house that had seen better days. Then a heavy clanking followed by a rattle like someone tripping over a pot-bellied stove and had knocked something off it.

“Isss that you M..Marshal Mollon?” A voice called out near one of the broken window panes.“Iiis not going anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong.”

I shook my head in exasperation, hearing the drunken slurred words.

"Them men’s, Marshal, they had it coming. Theyy needed someone to ssshut their mouths, they were speaking bad to the ladies.”

I turned back to the two local lawmen, pushed back the brim of my stetson and said, “He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen.”
I would have like these local lawmen introduced earlier, as I’ve had to amend the picture of the scene I had in my head – I really thought he was alone.

The two local cops shook their heads disbelievingly. The older, more seasoned one said, “He killed some of those he claimed he did nothing to Marshal. He cut four more within inches of their lives with a rune blade.”

The second lawman’s eyes glowed hotly and I saw his fingers tighten around the grip of the pistol he had already drawn. Apparently the men who had been killed must have been acquaintances of his. – Some telling here, but I could live with it.

“He also killed one,” growled the second not much description of the character here lawman, “with magic, he did, Marshal. Turned him to ash with an electrical glyph and he’s refusing to lower his defenses so that we can arrest him. It ain’t right him defying the law that way.”

The first again, no character description cop gave his partner a pointed look. “And all of the witnesses said it was self defense Officer Payton. Most said if he hadn’t used that defensive glyph, he would be dead himself.” The second cop grunted but slid his sidearm back into its holster and removed his hand. – What’s a pointed look? Is the character named Payton, then you missed a direct address comma – but I’m not 100% sure here.

Sighing, I directed my attention back towards the beaten down house. “One of these cops says you did, Minor, one says you didn’t. Why don’t I come up there and we’ll talk about it, all gentlemanly like?”

“Iiis dunno, Kailen, I mean, Marshal.”

I turned back to the more sensible local lawman. “You said you had witnesses?” – define sensible, the one with his gun drawn ready for action seems sensible to me, but I suspect you mean the old one? Ill defined background characters is the root of my confusion here.

“Yes, Marshal, they all said he did no wrong and was provoked into defending himself.”

Turning again to the old house I shouted,“I believe we should, Minor. I need to hear your side. One officer here believes the witnesses. I want to be able to convince the second, before he shoots you or puts you in front of a magical killing squad. I’m coming up.” – This dialogue line felt very off to me, not very natural.

“M..Marshal, I’ss don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’ss don’t want any harm to come to you.”

Ignoring the comment, and the stares from the two locals, I started up the walk. As I reached the edge of porch I felt them. Several strong wards flared to life around the house. Power radiated from them in a pulsing wave and they should have repelled me, or at least knocked me back onto the sidewalk, if they could have touched me.

A ripple of silver light flashed from the five pointed Marshal’s star on my chest and like oil sliding over water, I felt the wards magic pass around me.

The power in the wards was a testament to Minor’s past life before he had fallen apart and had become what he was now. – This is telling and to me doesn’t help the scene here, in the middle of some action.

Not sure what kind of glyphs Minor might have drawn on the door, and being that glyphs were stronger than wards, I gathered my own magic and sent out a faint trickle of power. As my magical senses began tracing the door,several white hot lights burst to life on the surface. One for fire and another for electricity. I changed the intensity of my magic, and made it into a breaking. A snap, pop and hiss filled the air, then the glyphs faded away.

Opening the door, I carefully stepped inside.

Minor’s life had changed when his wife and children had died during an Indian, elven raid a few years ago. Grief, remorse, alcohol and bad decisions had crushed the will and motivation of a man who had once been one of the best traders and creators of magical trinkets in the Colorado territory. – Telling again and stepping away from the action, this should have been earlier when setting up the scene or after the arrest.

Something else was also wrong with the room besides the blood smell. Velour curtains covered the windows, but they were open. The street lamps outside barely lit the interior, a room that I sensed shouldn’t have been so dark. A pall of blackness seemed to emanate from…. – Four …. For a line end, three for a pause. As this is the end of a line, one more full stop needed.

Before I had even realized what I was doing, I sent out a faint trickle of magic, probing again. The hairs on the back of my neck curled tight. I felt a sense, a sense of ….

Hell No!


In general, from here to the end where your describing the magic, the weapon and the stand-off, for me it was a little too long and that reduced the impact for me.

The scene set up felt odd to me, I really though the lawman was alone until we were well into the scene. The house, the street, the two other lawman are never described in much detail that allows me to form an image, so background information was light and didn’t pull me in. Then we enter the house and just about everything is described, when it could have been shorter and tighter I felt.
The thoughts asides didn’t do it for me, mostly as they drew me out of the action but could well work better elsewhere - so not a bad idea, just not in action I felt.
Direct comma address is inconsistent.
Dialogue felt forced in places. The snake dialogue didn’t work for me, but I like the idea and it was close to the mark, just slightly off for me.
Some work to do to smooth things out in my view, but I liked the idea ok. I think you needed to set the scene and then move into the action, the two cops and details about Minor’s family coming so late didn’t feel right as I was reading – especially in the middle of action. Yet I still liked the idea, cowboys and magic, nice.
 
Some things might need sorting, as the other critics say, but for me it mostly worked. I liked the idea of cowboys & magic (and I'm not really a fan of big magic). Makes a change from medieval +elves + wizards +warriors stuff!
 
I think that this story just needs a bit more application, you're pushing things out of perspective then bringing in harsh new concepts too much
 
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