Club scene

[Mouse]

Sorry, I've only just written this today but I'd just like to know if it's too much, too soon. It (the scene) comes straight after what I posted up in crits the other day, so it's still in the very beginning, chapter one.

Probably don't read it if you're easily offended. Also, I'm censoring the swears - they're not censored in the doc.

---

The DJ played the music loud and its heavy beats pulsed through her chest, making her feel a little sick. Strobe lights flashed, people jumped up and down, and the sticky floor bounced beneath her feet. She squeezed past a group of youngsters, teens – probably not old enough to be there, their hot bodies smelling of sweat and alcohol, and made her way across the crowded dance floor to the table where the others sat. She put the drinks on the table and took a seat next to Esme.

"You all right?" Esme asked, leaning over. She wore false eyelashes, making her elfin face appear doll-like, and a low-cut top to show off her ample assets. She smelled like peaches.

Allery pulled her gaze up. "Mm? Yeah. You?"

Esme grinned. "See anything you like?"

Allery couldn't help glancing at Nick, though he couldn't possibly hear them and was deep in conversation with Driscoll anyway, before clearing her throat and looking out at the dancers. "Tall blonde," she said, "dancing with the sweaty guy."

"I think that's a man, Al."

She rolled her eyes. "No, there."

Esme followed her gaze. "Oh yeah. Not bad."

"Not bad?" Allery gazed at the woman, her curled blonde hair bounced around her shoulders as she danced and her dress was tight and short, showing off ridiculously long legs. "I'm going to talk to her," she said, getting up.

"She looks like a slut," Esme commented.

"Good!" She gave her friend a wink, and squeezed back onto the dance floor, pushing through the crowd to reach her target. The woman had stopped dancing by the time she got to her, and was leaning against the bar, laughing at some joke with her sweaty friend.

Allery rested her forearms on the bar, pretending to wait for service, and gave it a moment before saying, "I like your dress."

The woman looked at her. "What?" she asked loudly.

"Your dress," Allery replied. "I like it. It's very tight."

"Are you taking the p*ss?" Then to her friend, "Is she taking the p*ss?"

Allery smiled and shook her head. "I'm not taking the p*ss. I'm Allery, by the way."

"Oh." The woman looked suspicious for just a moment longer before her frown lifted and she smiled. "I'm Caitlin. This is my cousin, Mark."

"Mark, I'm going to pinch your dance partner," Allery said, taking Caitlin's hands. "Dance with me?" She pulled her onto the dance floor before she could protest, smiling at Caitlin's confused laugh.

They danced, Caitlin's hands above her head, eyes closed. Heat radiated off the bodies around them. Allery took the opportunity to put an arm around Caitlin's waist and pull her closer. The other woman's eyes opened and her arms descended around Allery's neck.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

"Little bit," Allery replied, grinning at the drunken eyes-half-closed expression on Caitlin's face. "You don't have to dance with me if it makes you uncomfortable."

Caitlin had come very close to her, leaning in so she could hear. Allery breathed in the smell of her, her blonde hair tickling her face.

"Always wondered what it'd be like to kiss a woman," Caitlin said, moving back.

"Want to find out?"

For a reply Caitlin's lips met her own, smooth and warm, and when she opened her mouth, Allery tasted vodka and orange on her tongue. Love straight girls, she thought. The kiss ended as the next track started to play. Allery lifted a hand to push Caitlin's hair from her face and froze.

Behind Caitlin, standing among the dancers, stood a warden. Though he looked like a teenage boy, he was unmistakable for what he was with his soulless black orbs for eyes and the unnatural stillness with which he held himself. Nobody else seemed to notice him. Allery looked back through the crowd for her friends but Driscoll sat alone at the table.

"Warden," she mouthed to him and it took only the blink of her eyes for him to disappear.

She turned back, took hold of Caitlin's arm to lead her away but a blade burst from the girl's chest, blood red. Caitlin's brow knitted in confusion and a strangled noise passed her lips, her fingers clutched at Allery's shoulder. She looked down at the blade and then into Allery's eyes, her own eyes red and teary, full of fear.

The music seemed to mute and the blood pounding in Allery's head was louder, she opened her mouth to say… to say what? The warden pulled the blade back and Caitlin crumpled. People screamed then and Allery's ears popped.

"No," she breathed, holding Caitlin as she lay dying. She looked up at the warden, heard from somewhere the shout of Caitlin's cousin, felt him shove her aside, and she fell back onto her elbows, staring at Caitlin.

"Al!"

She came to when someone grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet, and she clutched Nick's arm and backed up with him as the warden paced towards them.

"Where's Esme?" she cried, as people scattered before the knife-wielding lunatic, bumping into one another.

A dark shape crashed into the warden, knocking him off his feet and pinning him to the dance floor, snarling over him, fur bristling.

"Oh sh*t, Nick!" She started pushing people then, shoving them towards the exit, yelling, "Go! Go!"

Nick did the same and she could hear him crying, "It's all right, it's just a dog!"

A dog! Inside she was laughing hysterically. A f*cking dog!

Another warden appeared in front of her, a girl this time, probably about ten years old. Clubbers skirted around her, spilling out of the fire escape into the night. The girl raised her arm; she had a gun in her hand and it was pointed at Nick.

Allery dived across him as the gun fired, the bullet punched into her back and she fell into his arms. As he lowered her to the floor, she saw the wolf leap over them. The darkness closed in on her.

 

[Fishbowl Helmet]

I'm not a fan of not finding out who "she" is until the third paragraph. This adds some confusion to the first line as the "she" there could easily be misread to mean the DJ. Until the third line when the she started moving I assumed the "she" was the DJ.

I like the quick dialogue, makes me think of a loud dance clue. Maye mention the noise a bit more. I'd shorten the "if that makes you uncomfortable" line. Too much to get across in a loud club.

I didn't read the other piece you referred to, but if you're going to have magic, or werewolves, etc, I'd make that plain as fast as possible. I was kind of jarring to suddenly have the straight girl get shanked. Even a stray thought would be enough.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Mouse,

Didn't quite work for me for some reason. I think it's the loud nightclub music and the apparently normal converstion. I think you need a bit more intimate situation - say a piano bar or 'Rick's place' so the 'converstion' can be more normal. :-

Sorry, I've only just written this today but I'd just like to know if it's too much, too soon. It (the scene) comes straight after what I posted up in crits the other day, so it's still in the very beginning, chapter one.

Probably don't read it if you're easily offended. Also, I'm censoring the swears - they're not censored in the doc.

---

The DJ played the music loud and its heavy beat(s) pulsed through her chest, making her feel a little sick. Strobe lights flashed, people jumped up and down, and the sticky floor bounced beneath her feet. She squeezed past a group of youngsters, teens – probably not old enough to be there, their hot bodies smelling of sweat and alcohol, and ( <- doesn't really add anything) made her way across the crowded dance floor to the table where the others sat. She put the drinks on the table and took a seat next to Esme.

"You all right?" Esme asked, leaning over. She wore false eyelashes, making her elfin face appear doll-like, and a low-cut top to show off her ample assets. Even in the dank club she smelled like peaches.

Allery pulled her gaze up( ? Odd Allery nodded to the dancefloor and grinned "Mm? Yeah. You?"

Esme followed her gaze, grinned. "See anything you like?"

Allery couldn't help glancing at Nick, though he couldn't possibly hear them and was deep in conversation with Driscoll anyway, before clearing her throat and looking out at the dancers. "Tall blonde," she said, "dancing with the sweaty guy." (would she really be able tell if the guy was sweating in a crowded dance and in any case wouldn't they all be. better to have the guy in dressed in something noticable or with no shirt or something IMO)

"I think that's a man, Al."

She rolled her eyes. "No, there."

Esme followed her gaze. "Oh yeah. Not bad." (if we are still in a noisey place we need a few shouts or moving in towards the ear of the listener)

"Not bad?" Allery gazed at the woman, her curled blonde hair bounced around her shoulders as she danced and her dress was tight and short, showing off ridiculously long and naked legs. "I'm going to talk to her," she said, getting up.

"She looks like a slut," Esme commented.

"Good!" She gave her friend a wink, and squeezed back onto the dance floor, pushing through the crowd to reach her target (here we have the jarring about the aparent easily seen girl from a sitting position countered with fighting across the dancefloor). The woman had stopped dancing by the time she got to her, and was leaning against the bar, laughing at some joke with her sweaty friend.

Allery stood near the bar, apparently waiting to be served. rested her forearms on the bar, pretending to wait for service, and She gave it a moment before saying, "I like your dress." (more leaning in, more shouting, with perhaps the oportunity to glance down her cleavage as in)

She leaned in close to the blond, using the opportunity to take in the view between her the girl's breasts. "I like your dress she shouted" pulling back to test the reaction.

The woman looked at her. "What?" she asked loudly.
"Your dress," Allery replied. "I like it. It's very tight." (shouted - she needs to be heard and she might be offended Allery needs to judge which before going on)

"Are you taking the p*ss?" Then to her friend, "Is she taking the p*ss?"

Allery smiled and shook her head. "I'm not taking the p*ss. I'm Allery, by the way." (perhaps a look showing she finds the girl attractive)

"Oh." The woman looked suspicious for just a moment longer before her frown lifted and she smiled. "I'm Caitlin. This is my cousin, Mark."

"Mark, I'm going to pinch your dance partner," Allery said, taking Caitlin's hands. "Dance with me?" (the girl would have heard the dance partner and would get the idea - pethaps a little hessitation before she stops the slight resistance) She pulled her onto the dance floor before she could protest, smiling at Caitlin's confused laugh.

They danced, Caitlin's hands above her head, eyes closed. Heat radiated off the bodies around them. Allery took the opportunity to put an arm around Caitlin's waist and pull her closer. The other woman's eyes opened and her arms descended around Allery's neck.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

"Little bit," Allery replied, grinning at the drunken eyes-half-closed expression on Caitlin's face. "You don't have to dance with me if it makes you uncomfortable."

Caitlin had come very close to her, leaning in so she could hear. Allery breathed in the smell of her, (opportunity for some more building - smellinig of what?) her blonde hair tickling her face.

"Always wondered what it'd be like to kiss a woman," Caitlin said, moving back.

"Want to find out?"

For a reply Caitlin's lips met her own, smooth and warm, and when she opened her mouth, Allery tasted vodka and orange on her tongue. Love straight girls, she thought. The kiss ended as the next track started to play. Allery lifted a hand to push Caitlin's hair from her face and froze.

Behind Caitlin, standing among the dancers, stood a warden. Though he looked like a teenage boy, he was unmistakable for what he was with his soulless black orbs for eyes and the unnatural stillness with which he held himself. Nobody else seemed to notice him. Allery looked back through the crowd for her friends but Driscoll sat alone at the table.

"Warden," she mouthed to him and it took only the blink of her eyes for him to disappear.

She turned back, took hold of Caitlin's arm to lead her away but a blade burst from the girl's chest, blood red. Caitlin's brow knitted in confusion and a strangled noise passed her lips, her fingers clutched at Allery's shoulder. She looked down at the blade and then into Allery's eyes, her own eyes red and teary, full of fear.

The music seemed to mute and the blood pounding in Allery's head was louder, she opened her mouth to say… to say what? The warden pulled the blade back and Caitlin crumpled. People screamed then and Allery's ears popped (why?).

"No," she breathed, holding Caitlin as she lay dying (hard to believe - I assume Allery is the real target and that Allery knows this. She wouldn't hang about to watch a what is in effect a strnger die. She would be moving before the girl hit the floor IMO). She looked up at the warden, heard from somewhere the shout of Caitlin's cousin, felt him shove her aside, and she fell back onto her elbows, staring at Caitlin.

"Al!"

She came to when someone grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet, and she clutched Nick's arm and backed up with him as the warden paced towards them.

"Where's Esme?" she cried, as people scattered before the knife-wielding lunatic, bumping into one another.

A dark shape crashed into the warden, knocking him off his feet and pinning him to the dance floor, snarling over him, fur bristling.

"Oh sh*t, Nick!" She started pushing people then, shoving them towards the exit, yelling, "Go! Go!"

Nick did the same and she could hear him crying, "It's all right, it's just a dog!" (A bit calm for the situation - just a dog? it would surprise me if a dog suddenly appeared in this situation - whatever it is it isn't just a dog)

A dog! Inside she was laughing hysterically. A f*cking dog! (that's more like it)

Another warden appeared in front of her, a girl this time, probably about ten years old. Clubbers skirted around her as they pushed to flee out side throug what must be a spilling out of the fire escape at the back of the hall into the night. The girl raised her arm; she had a gun in her hand and it was pointed at Nick.

Allery dived across him as the gun fired, the bullet punched into her back and she fell into his arms. As he lowered her to the floor, she saw the wolf leap over them. The darkness closed in on her.

Obvioulsy it gets a bit confusing at the end - well I was confused. I found the ten year old a little hard to take in the situation - how did she get past the bouncers and such like. Why does she need to be young- especially in that particulr situation - hardly inconspicuous- and I'm still not sure who has been killed, bitten shot or what.

On the whole I found the scene suitably intriguing and certainly 'entertaining' enough to raise an interest although, as I have tried to imply, it could be made more 'interesting' IMO.

Hope I helped.

TEiN

 

[JoanDrake]

Reminds me of Lost Girl, though more violent.

Well written hook, exciting and graphic. Good evocation of a typical sort of tv "club scene" (though I wonder if they really exist. I've not seen one like it and they always strike me as the type of things that would sprout fire marshalls like mushrooms).

However, it's a little confusing at the end. At first I thought Nick had become a werewolf bouncer and was attacking the warden but then noticed it was him who thought a dog was doing it

Also, why did the warden stab Caitlin if he was after Allery, and why would the other warden be a 10 year old girl in a nightclub serving alcohol?

Good reasons to keep reading, but I would resolve some of them quick as our curiousity is now hanging on the strength of your writing alone.

 

[hopewrites]

Fast paced and gritty. Liked that. Liked the combination of nervous and no-nonsense in the voice. Someone right on the edge of being sure of themselves. Impossible for me not to relate to that.
I think I've been in that club, well untill the girl who asked me to dance is respectful and I get shanked, so that's me disagreeing with the difficulty of dialog in a loud smoky drunken slurry of sweaty bodies. It doesnt always consist of "lets get out of here" yelled in one's ear so that a 'normal' dialog can take place on the quiet concrete steeps just outside the club.
That being said, I like this much better than the few times I've been to a club. Her friends didnt ditch her. Things are interesting.

Solidly set in a modern time frame, no room to mistake the setting.

 

[J Riff]

Well you have to have some description of the club. I thought it was OK and Im in these joints, too often. Too loud, too much bass, sweaty feeling, good enough. Then the bad Warden shows up and it's a bloodbath, maybe tis a bit early and I feel sorry for Caitlin, she just got dragged onto the dance floor and kilt off. Can you work it so she survives somehow?
Maybe- Allery dove in front of him..
the last few paras are just a tad cofnusing as to Nick and the dog and what's happening with the mysterious Wardens, which at first I thought was ...a warden from a jail., didn't she just escape from one? Or is that another story. .. Anyway good action if you can keep it up. )

 

[Brian G Turner]

A nice piece, just a couple of pointers:

1. The first sentence feels like it stumbles. You could probably removed the immediate opening: "The DJ played the music loud" as music in clubs is played by DJ's, and music in clubs is always loud, so both points of fact you make are stating the obvious. However, what is missing is what type of music is being played: just general dance? Dub? Hip hop? Rock? Simply stating it could give readers a chance to fill in extra details about how people are dressed. I'm presuming a general dance club, but it may help to be specific to help with painting the scene and avoid confusion.

2. There's quite a bit of conversation in here, but clubs are difficult to hold a conversation in because they are loud (and also people being drunk). If you want to emphasise loud, this would be the way to introduce that. There's always the possibility of trying to find seats or a corner that feels slightly quieter so they'd be able to talk.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

"You all right?" Esme asked, leaning overHere I'd mention that she was leaning to make herself heard over the music: I think it's implied, but it would make it clear that it's loud. . She wore false eyelashes, making her elfin face appear doll-like, and a low-cut top to show off her ample assets. She smelled like peaches.I'm a little surprised this can be smelt over the sweat and drink of a club.

Allery pulled her gaze up. "Mm? Yeah. You?"

Esme grinned. "See anything you like?"

Allery couldn't help glancing at Nick, though he couldn't possibly hear them and was deep in conversation with Driscoll anyway, before clearing her throat and looking out at the dancers. "Tall blonde," she said, "dancing with the sweaty guy."

"I think that's a man, Al."hee

She rolled her eyes. "No, there."

Esme followed her gaze.nit picky me: the last action was rolling eyes, and now Esme is following her gaze? "Oh yeah. Not bad."

"Not bad?" Allery gazedgaze/gazed? at the woman,A bit splicey, I'd have used a semi colon (hee, not that again), but maybe a full stop? her curled blonde hair bounced around her shoulders as she danced and her dress was tight and short, showing off ridiculously long legs. "I'm going to talk to her," she said, getting up.

"She looks like a slut," Esme commented.

"Good!" She gave her friend a wink, and squeezed back onto the dance floor, pushing through the crowd to reach her target. The woman had stopped dancing by the time she got to her, and was leaning against the bar, laughing at some joke with her sweaty friend.

Allery rested her forearms on the bar, pretending to wait for service, and gave it a moment before saying, "I like your dress."

The woman looked at her. "What?" she asked loudly.

"Your dress," Allery replied. "I like it. It's very tight."I think in this conversation you need to make it clear they're shouting. The previous one you had a sense of pulled in, concentrating on each other, here I think I need a few hints that the music is loud.

"Are you taking the p*ss?" Then to her friend, "Is she taking the p*ss?"

Allery smiled and shook her head. "I'm not taking the p*ss. I'm Allery, by the way."

"Oh." The woman looked suspicious for just a moment longer before her frown lifted and she smiled. "I'm Caitlin. This is my cousin, Mark."

"Mark, I'm going to pinch your dance partner," Allery said, taking Caitlin's hands. "Dance with me?" She pulled her onto the dance floor before she could protest, smiling at Caitlin's confused laugh.

They danced, Caitlin's hands above her head, eyes closed. Heat radiated off the bodies around them. Allery took the opportunity to put an arm around Caitlin's waist and pull her closer. The other woman's eyes opened and her arms descended around Allery's neck.

"Are you gay?" she asked.

"Little bit," Allery replied, grinning at the drunken eyes-half-closed expression on Caitlin's face. "You don't have to dance with me if it makes you uncomfortable."

Caitlin had come very close to her, leaning in so she could hear. Allery breathed in the smell of her, her blonde hair tickling her face.

"Always wondered what it'd be like to kiss a woman," Caitlin said, moving back.

"Want to find out?"

For a reply Caitlin's lips met her own, smooth and warm, and when she opened her mouth, Allery tasted vodka and orange on her tongue. Love straight girls, she thought. The kiss ended as the next track started to play. Allery lifted a hand to push Caitlin's hair from her face and froze.

Behind Caitlin, standing among the dancers, stood a warden. Though he looked like a teenage boy, he was unmistakable for what he was with his soulless black orbs for eyes and the unnatural stillness with which he held himself. Nobody else seemed to notice him. Allery looked back through the crowd for her friends but Driscoll sat alone at the table.

"Warden," she mouthed to him and it took only the blink of her eyes for him to disappear.

She turned back, took hold of Caitlin's arm to lead her away but a blade burst from the girl's chest, blood red. Caitlin's brow knitted in confusion and a strangled noise passed her lips, her fingers clutched at Allery's shoulder. She looked down at the blade and then into Allery's eyes, her own eyes red and teary, full of fear.

The music seemed to mute and the blood pounding in Allery's head was louder, she opened her mouth to say… to say what? The warden pulled the blade back and Caitlin crumpled. People screamed then and Allery's ears popped.

"No," she breathed, holding Caitlin as she lay dying. She looked up at the warden, heard from somewhere the shout of Caitlin's cousin, felt him shove her aside, and she fell back onto her elbows, staring at Caitlin.I think she has to die; knowing you this is setting the tone for the book, and the stakes and if the stakes are this is a dangerous business, wardens can and will kill, and there's no way to heal then you need it.

"Al!"

SheI'd make it clear this was Allery: just with it being fantasy and people's inexplicable belief sometimes to believe characters are dead and not coming back, some might think it's Caitlin. came to when someone grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet, and she clutched Nick's arm and backed up with him as the warden paced towards themA lot of ands, could you break the sentence at She clutched? .

"Where's Esme?" she cried, as people scattered before the knife-wielding lunatic, bumping into one anotherHere, I think you need to pull out, just a little; what is he doing? Wouldn't he have moved forward to her at this stage? Is he just randomly wielding his knife? I just need a little more stage direction. .

A dark shape crashed into the warden, knocking him off his feet and pinning him to the dance floor, snarling over him, fur bristling.

"Oh sh*t, Nick!" She started pushing people then, shoving them towards the exit, yelling, "Go! Go!"

Nick did the same and she could hear him crying, "It's all right, it's just a dog!"

A dog! Inside she was laughing hysterically. A f*cking dog!

Another warden appeared in front of her, a girl this time, probably about ten years old. Clubbers skirted around her, spilling out of the fire escape into the night. The girl raised her arm; she had a gun in her hand and it was pointed at Nick.

Allery dived across him as the gun fired, the bullet punched into her back and she fell into his arms. As he lowered her to the floor, she saw the wolf leap over them. The darkness closed in on her.[/QUOTE]

It's a good scene, but I think the ending needs slowed down, just a little, and get the stage directions in there. Also, I'm not, really, getting the sense of panic from it. Maybe the music grinding to a halt, or a scream cutting across it? In the stampede to the door someone falling and having to be dragged up? Tables being knocked over, that sort of thing? Also, no bouncers? They love a good fight, wouldn't they be right up there? Just a bit more sense of panic and a better idea of who's where (you might already have built this before the scene) but I had no real idea of where Nick was, for instance. I actually thought he was the dog at first.

 

[Mouse]

Thanks all. Needs to be more shouty, got it. (Incidentally, I've not been in a club since I was about 17/18 but I hated it so much that I remember it pretty well!)

Like I said, this follows on immediately (pretty much, there's about 50 words in between!) from the last scene I posted, so it's obvious who the 'she' is and that it's a fantasy setting.

People who've read my work know that I don't give all the answers straight away and I like to credit the reader with the sense to work things out for themselves. So the age of the wardens and that sort of thing will make sense, just I'm not going to immediately launch into an explanation of it. (Also, as I'd mentioned with the male warden, 'nobody seemed to notice him' - my idea is that they're kinda hard to spot until they start doing the whole murdering thing, again this will become more apparent.)

Also, the 'dog' is Esme, hence why Nick's so calm about it (she's his girlfriend).

But yeah, more shouting. I did think about doing lots of 'she shouted' etc. but wondered if it'd just become annoying after a while? That's why I kept it as 'said' and whatnot. And more panic. Got it.

Ta muchly!

edit: just reading the comments again - JR, yep, same story. I did keep capitalising Warden throughout this, then changing it. Do you think calling them Wardens, will help differentiate from the 'prison warden' aspect? (I changed prison warden to prison guard too).

 

[Glitch]

"Warden," she mouthed to him and it took only the blink of her eyes for him to disappear.

At first I thought it wasthe warden who disappeared. After reading it again I realise you mean Driscoll.

I think part of the reason for my conusion wad the lack of urgency. Allery doesn't seem too concerned by the warden's presence.

 

[Mouse]

Allery doesn't seem too concerned by the warden's presence.

She's concerned but she's not panicking, she's thinking 'get Caitlin out of the way and get out of there as calmly as poss.' She wasn't expecting him to stab Caitlin, so that's what shocks her.

 

[Glitch]

I didn't pick up that this was unusual behaviour for the warden. Or that she was trying to get Caitlin out of the way. Maybe some internal thoughts on what she thinks the warden will do?

No one else mentioned it, so feel free to ignore me.

 

[Mouse]

Thing is, this is the very beginning (well, after that other scene) so these things will be explained. Just not instantly.

 

[Glitch]

I know you like to tease

 

[Mouse]

I know you like to tease

Ha! Careful now.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

So the age of the wardens and that sort of thing will make sense, just I'm not going to immediately launch into an explanation of it. (Also, as I'd mentioned with the male warden, 'nobody seemed to notice him' - my idea is that they're kinda hard to spot until they start doing the whole murdering thing, again this will become more apparent.)

The problem I have with the ten year old is not the age but rather what's she doing there. Even if she's the chairman of the local 'Warden youth movement' unless 'wardens' are blessed with xray vision and super strength all she's going to do on a dance floor is look up and see, well nothing really, certainly no faces.

If it's important she is there, then why not have her on the mezzasine level looking down (where she could see more and see faces). The people trying to leave, especially if wardens are difficult to see, are just going to trample her in their haste and you don't need in involved in the scene to create panic. The girl being stabbed through the heart did that, very effectively.

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[Mouse]

Not really understanding what you're saying, TEiN, sorry! She has a gun, so she doesn't need superstrength.

 

[Glitch]

Ha! Careful now.

I was of couse referring to your earlier comment

I don't give all the answers straight away and I like to credit the reader with the sense to work things out for themselves.

I've just read the other piece. It doesn't lead straight to this one, but I think you already alluded to that fact. It doesn't give any additional insight to this piece, although since both are at the beginning that doesn't matter.

Keep up the good work Mouse. I look forward to seeing more.

Edit: I think TEiN is referring to the height of a ten year old compared to adults. In such a rush they would fall over her before anyone saw her.

 

[Mouse]

It doesn't give any additional insight to this piece...

Except that the 'she' is Allery, and that as she came back to life from being dead it has fantastical elements in it and the 'wardens' had already been mentioned.

Keep up the good work Mouse. I look forward to seeing more.

Ta.

edit: ah right, so would it help if I said 13 instead of 10?!

 

[Glitch]

Being dead to escape prison is used in non fantasy stories.