Second try at beginning my vampire story (470 words)

[Shane Enochs]

Aero peered around the corner of the warehouse, being careful to stay in the shadows. His target, middle-aged and overweight, climbed out of the SUV and was instantly swarmed by his security detail. Aero frowned; he didn't expect so many. "Five guards," he whispered into his headset.

"Proceed."

Aero crouched low to the ground and turned the corner. He inched closer until he felt that the shadows would no longer hide him. He made his move.

* * * * *​

Matthew Harding lit his cigarette and took a long draw. The communiqué was very clear: the informant would be here at 11:00 sharp. Where was he?

"We'll wait another min-"

The attacker moved so quickly that Harding's brain couldn't register what was happening. Three of his security guards simultaneously fell to the ground, their throats spewing hot blood. His remaining detail blindly fired their pistols into the darkness.

Then they fell as well.

* * * * *​

Aero slid the long knife back into its sheath attached to his belt. The fat man stumbled backwards; his arms flailed behind him. For a moment, Aero entertained the idea that the man was reaching for something that would pull him back into a reality that he was more comfortable with. He smiled at the thought.

"Get in the car," Aero commanded. "Don't run. You know I'll catch you. Just get into the car." He could hear the man's heart beating far too quickly for someone his age. If Aero wasn't careful, his target could very well have a heart attack.

"P-please!" the man screamed as he finally backed into the brick wall.

Aero backed up a step and put his palms out, showing him that he meant him no harm. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. Please, get in the car."

He could see that this was going to end badly; he had to take action. He darted forward and bit the man's shoulder with just enough force to break the skin. For a moment, the man's body went rigid, but the serotonin and oxytocin in Aero's saliva went to work quickly. Aero could feel the target's muscles relax and his heart beat decreased dramatically. "There we go. Now stay right here."

Aero spent several minutes loading the bodies of the security detail into the back of the SUV and cleaning the blood from the concrete. He felt impressed with himself that he was able to kill them all and bite his target without losing it. His self-control was improving nearly every day.

After he was satisfied that the area was sufficiently clean, he took his target by the hand, helped him into the passenger seat of the SUV, and he climbed into the driver's seat. "Target acquired," he said into his headset. "Permission to return to base."

 

[Bowler1]

Aero crouched low to the ground and turned the corner. He inched closer until he felt that the shadows would no longer hide him. He made his move. This is very quick and lacks emotion and character thoughts. Not very engaging for me.
He – He who? As this is a new section - could see that this was going to end badly; he had to take action. He darted forward and bit the man's shoulder with just enough force to break the skin. For a moment, the man's body went rigid, but the serotonin and oxytocin – I have no idea what these are in Aero's saliva went to work quickly. Aero could feel the target's muscles relax and his heart beat decreased dramatically. "There we go. Now stay right here."

Aero spent several minutes loading the bodies of the security detail into the back of the SUV and cleaning the blood from the concrete. He felt impressed with himself that he was able to kill them all and bite his target without losing it. His self-control was improving nearly every day. – This feels more like narration instead of characters thoughts.

The section lacks emotion for me. To start the scene I would have liked more stalking from Aero, it could have helped set the scene. I don’t think the switch in POV helps the plot and I think it up-sets the pace. The attack lacked drama. I may be wrong but I’d imagine gore would play a fairly central role in vampire storylines. After the attack there was very little characterisation of Aero. It was hard to place Aero into a plot, why was he there and what was the reason for the attack, what are his motivations if any. So for me the reader it could just be a random attack as no context had been given to me. I suspect all these ideas are in your head and that you have a plan/plot, but you have not given me much to go on in this section. Last time you gave too much away, this time it feels like you held too much back – writing, great fun eh! The plot could just be hints at this stage, but I think Aero needs to come to life more as a character to interest me. It is an interesting idea and has all the makings of a good start, more focus on hooking the reader in I think and you’ll start rocking.

 

[Tecdavid]

I suppose I'd simply echo Bowler's response, in that there isn't much emotion. Perhaps that's the intention, as Aero seems to be quite accustomed to such deeds, and that vampires are (in some appearances) emotionless creatures. But I hope neither is the case, as really feeling what the character's going through can paint a much more vivid picture of what's taking place. If Aero showed some anxiety at the importance of this mission, or some irritation at Harding's nervousness, it would build well on the scene. A simple blink, or lick of the lips, at the sight of Harding's security, or a sign or annoyance at Harding's resistance, could be a good start.

What makes emotion so important is that it lets the reader truly immerse themselves in what's going on, and it helps us understand the character in a more intimate fashion. Without it, a story may read like it's telling us what happened, instead of us being there, as it's happening.

 

[Shane Enochs]

Do you guys think this story may be told better if it were in 1st person?

 

[Bowler1]

3rd Person is the modern style of storytelling - he, she and they. Sort of like following the character around while seeing their thoughts at the same time.
1st Person is - I and we - is being that character.

I guess you could do it 1st person but I think you'd do better if it were 3rd person. From what I can see, it would place you safely in the middle ground of what publishers are looking for today.

 

[chrispenycate]

If 'twere me – which it isn't, I never managed to get properly into the skin of a vampire – I'd say try it in first, a couple of chapters, then compare. Even if you prefer it in close third (and I disagree wit Bowler on the 'modern'. 'Fashionable', perhaps, but there is still a fair amount of good stuff coming out in first) you'll have looked at it through his eyes, smelt it, felt hormones flood through you; you'll know what he's experiencing.

But it's much harder to change viewpoints in first person, so this double movement of character focus you've got here becomes more difficult for the reader.

Aero frowned; he didn't expect so many.

He felt impressed with himself that he was able to kill them all and bite his target without losing it.

These bits would probably be more effective in pluperfect (he hadn't expected, he had been able) as the main telling is past tense, and they're further back.

The communiqué was had been very clear: the informant would be here at 11:00 sharp.

I'm not sure about that colon at all.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Do you guys think this story may be told better if it were in 1st person?

I think the problem is that when we write an action scene, we know the context of the action and it excites us.

When someone posts an action scene here, where none of us knows the context, it can read as very flat - unless the author has been very careful to weave the character experience into it.

Which is precisely what a piece needs anyway.

I don't think the piece was too bad, actually - but as above, the character experience was missing. For example, at the end it mentions that Aero had been concerned that he might not retain control.

This is an element of conflict - but this isn't set up at the start of the piece to show this conflict developing - ie, there's no section of text where Aero is agitated, worried, that he will lose control, and the associated thoughts and actions of that.

Also, your shift in POV from Aero to Mathew Harding seems to lose something. Firstly, is it necessary to interrupt the pace of the story like this? Additionally, you mention "their throats spewing hot blood", but how does Harding know the blood is hot? If it's splatting on him (and it should be damn messy) then tell us, rather than presume we should know.

So overall, I think a decent enough piece, but needs fleshing out more with character experience to help drive a sense of realise. And as you seem to have noticed on some level, the *conflict* in this piece isn't about Aero killing people - it's his fear in himself that he may lose control. But we never see this conflict set up, and we need to *if* this is the conflict.

 

[JoanDrake]

Would a vampire waste all that good blood? I do realise they don't always need it for sustenance anymore but....well...why ARE they vampires then?

Generally, it was good. It was reasonably clear what was happening and there is some intrigue at what seems the mixing of a Vampire and Thriller story (though honestly there I think your other piece mixing what seemed post apocalyptic with Vampire was more original. OTOH this is more appealing to my tastes )

The action did seem a little flat but sometimes that's what you want, as it makes the character seem formidable, and it did here.